Ronan Lynch and Adam Parrish are both incredibly complicated beings, not easy to figure out or predict or understand. Really understand. Gansey tried to make sense of who they are as a person, maybe without realizing it. Because he can't resist a challenge, a puzzle of sorts. It's the reason he's so passionate about Glendower. Probably why he surrounds himself with difficult friends, even though he will never truly get them.
Adam and Ronan, though. They're different together. They do understand each other, because they want to, because they're more themselves when it's just the two of them, because you don't have to hide certain parts of yourself when you know you'll be accepted anyway.
They don't take each other's shit. When Ronan is being an even bigger asshole than he usually is, Adam will call him out on it. When Adam is being unreasonable, Ronan will not hesitate to tell him. And they work.
Anger is something they both struggle with, something that they don't particularly like about themselves, but which simultaneously means it's something they share, so they don't tiptoe around each other, they don't pretend to be fine, to hide that anger.
They've understood each other long before they even realized it.
And they work together.
Anger isn't the only thing they have in common, though. Jealousy is a feeling that's so incredibly woven inside them, that it's now simply a part of them.
Adam Parrish has spent his life dreaming of things he can't have, carrying water in cupped hands to the shore and ending up with not much at all, but slowly and surely seeing his hole in the sand fill, while surrounding himself with people who have those things without ever having had to work for it. It's a particular brand of torture, but it's worth it if it means he'll be able to call himself one of them some day.
And Ronan Lynch, who's experienced too many losses a person his age should ever have to go through – his father; his mother's soul that only existed when his dad was there to breathe the life into it and then it wasn't just her soul, it was her body too and now he's officially an orphan at the tender age of eighteen and really, he's just a child, or he feels like one anyway; his glitter loving friend, partner in crime, confident though he never actually told him anything, the creepy fucker who was but a faded image of a person Ronan does not know at all, so did he really? Lose him? Maybe that's what hurts the most in the end; his best friend and brother whose death were possibly the most antagonizing moments of his existence. No wonder he's a little territorial. It's what each of his heartbeats are saying don't lose anyone else, I wouldn't be able to take it.
So, really, the jealous feelings that arise when they officially become a thing (and even before that), shouldn't come as a surprise.
1.
Blue.
Ronan hates her. She marched into their lives, like she'd been there forever, as if they didn't just meet her a couple weeks ago. She thinks she belongs amongst them, amongst the four of them. And the worst part is that Gansey, Noah and even Adam, who Ronan frankly expected better of, believe it too. Without as much as a blink they've accepted her as part of their group.
Noah adores her. Gansey is fascinated by her. And Parrish is fucking dating her, holding her hand, laying his head on her lap, whispering things in her ear that make her laugh. It's unfair. He barely knows Blue and Adam already likes her better than he liked Ronan. As if Ronan wasn't the first to see how brilliant Adam is. As if he hasn't been trying to say the things she does since they met.
He hates Blue for the things he hates about himself. He hates the fact that all he does is exasperate Gansey, cause him trouble while Gansey smiles wistfully every time Blue lashes out at him. He hates the fact that she makes Noah laugh as if it's the easiest thing in the world, while he can't stop making crude jokes at his expense. He hates the fact that she gets to feel the grooves of Adam's hands in hers when he has been dreaming about doing that almost since he met him, when he's the one spending all the classes he attends staring at those very hands.
A match has been lit under his skin and every time he sees Adam and Blue interacting, fuel is added to the fire and the heat is getting harder to bear with every touch, look, laugh exchanged between them. It's consuming him from the inside, gnawing at the edges of his heart. It makes him want to kick something, to destroy a building, burn down a forest with the fire inside; all it would take is for him to open his mouth. Calla compares him to a snake and she's not wrong exactly, but not completely right either. If he had to choose, he'd pick a dragon to compare himself to. A creature out of the realms of reality, breathing fire every time he opens his mouth and scorching anyone who happens to get too close.
He doesn't blame Adam for liking Blue better. As far as Ronan knows, he's not interested in boys at all, anyway. And he doesn't know if that makes things better or worse. At least now he can tell himself it has nothing to do with him personally, though he's not sure he actually believes that.
Sometimes he wonders if talking about it would be a relief, wonders if he could tell Gansey maybe. He's familiar with all the other dark parts of Ronan's soul, he doubts this would be the thing that makes him turn his back on him.
But then the other Gansey – the one from his dreams, who sneers and spits insults you're disgusting at his feet like he's no better than a piece of dirt – appears before his eyes and he decides to be a coward instead of risking ever having to meet that Gansey in real life. So instead of dealing with his feelings in a healthy way, he resources to what he does best.
Dreaming, drinking, driving.
It's the only way he knows how to deal with everything inside. It may not be a healthy or good method, but it's a method nonetheless and honestly, that's all Ronan needs. To forget. To feel better for just a second, for just one night.
Blue.
He hates her because she's everything he isn't and manages to do what he wants to do, but can't. He doesn't truly hate her; it's merely a side effect of hating himself.
2.
A month after their first kiss, after everything, it's like they picked up right where they left off. Only now the familiar ways of life have a nightmarish undertone. Every time Adam looks at Gansey he has to force his mind to push away the image of him lying on the ground Blue, kiss me. Every time he looks at his hands he has to suppress a shudder and hopes with all he has that he's never rendered so helpless and dependent of anything ever again.
After all that has happened, they try to regain a sense of normalcy, try to pick up their routine. Adam has no choice anyway. The end of the world may have come and gone, he still needs to work and manage to make it out of here. And maybe it's better this way. Being busy doesn't allow them that much time to dwell on the traumatic events.
Not everything is exactly as it was before, though. For one thing, he and Ronan are dating? Are a thing now? He's not sure how to define it, but there's something.
When Ronan kissed him on his birthday, Adam had known this was real and something serious. He knows Ronan. And Adam wants it to be real and serious, too. He's all in. And it's been good so far. It's nice to have someone warm his nights, someone to kiss and hold when things are rough. It's more than good and it's not like they didn't spend every free moment together before anyway. Only now, when Ronan used to lie next to Adam's matrass, he can sleep on it.
It's sweet too, the way Ronan is clearly inexperienced and is surprised every time Adam randomly kisses his cheek or his mouth. And Adam's found it's surprisingly easy to make Ronan blush, which is not something he would've ever imagined. It's not like Adam himself is that experienced, but he's also pretty sure he was Ronan's first kiss. He's been meaning to ask him about that.
Tonight, Ronan had barged into Adam's room and proclaimed they were going for a drive, the same way he always does. And Adam got up and followed him into the BMW, like he always does. It's something they've been doing for a while, but it feels bigger now. Than it did before.
Adam's been sneaking looks at Ronan, because even though they're allowed to do that now, it's hard to get rid of old habits. When he catches Ronan's eye, he gives a shy smile and turns his attention back to the road, and feels Ronan do the same thing.
Suddenly, Ronan jerks the wheel and pulls over on an empty field. He cuts the engine and opens his door. 'C'mon, Parrish. Come watch the stars with me?', he says, his voice sarcastic, but his eyes honest and open. Adam doesn't know what to with that. He gets out of the car, slams the door and settles on the hood. About five seconds later, Ronan joins him. They're silent for a while, listening to the light the stars leave behind. Adam wonders if this a date now.
A light breeze leaves goosebumps on his arms and he moves closer to Ronan so their arms are touching and he instantly feels warmer. Ronan radiates warmth at all times, which is good because Adam is always cold. Ronan seems to feel it because he wraps an arm around Adam's shoulder and pulls him close to him, rests his chin on top of his head, stars rubbing his arm. His fingers seem to eject warmth.
'Can I ask you a question?', Adam says eventually.
'I think you already did.'
It is possible, Adam thinks, that Ronan feels him roll his eyes, because he then says. 'Sure.'
'Did you ever – Did you and – 'He does not know how to ask this. He has no idea how Ronan will react. If this will offend him.
'Just say it, Parrish.'
'Was there ever something between you and Kavinsky?', he lets out all in one breath. Ronan tenses at the name and Adam immediately thinks Shit, I shouldn't have asked that.
But then Ronan starts to curse: 'Jesus fucking Christ, Parrish. What the fuck? I would never – ' and so on, until he's done ranting and voicing his disbelief at that question.
'Well, I don't know!', Adam exclaims. 'I figured I was your first kiss, but I couldn't be sure. I was curious.'
'Well, no. Nothing ever happened. He wanted to, but – I never thought of him that way.'
'Good.'
'You happy I never kissed anyone before you?'
Adam nuzzled closer to Ronan, breathing in his scent. 'I don't really care. I'm just glad that you never kissed kavinsky.'
Ronan hums in agreement. If Adam thought Kavinsky was simply an asshole before, he's something way worse after the things he did to Matthew. Adam wasn't sad to see him go.
'What about you?', Ronan asks then. He seems strangely nervous.
'What about me? Did I make out with Kavinsky?'
'Asshole. You know what I meant.' Adam does indeed know what Ronan meant.
'No, I'd kissed some people before you.'
'Really? How many?' Ronan's grip tightened on Adam's hip.
'I think there were two girls.'
Ronan makes a noise in the back of his throat and Adam wants to laugh at his reaction. 'Were they pretty?'
'Sure', Adam answers, amusement clear in his voice. He turns his head and looks up at Ronan, a smile dangling on his lips. 'Not as pretty as you, though.'
'Shut the fuck up.' Ronan shoves Adam, who bursts out laughing. Then he throws a leg over Ronan's lap so he's straddling him. He brings a hand up to lightly trace the blush on Ronan's cheekbones. He kisses him.
The two girls he kissed before Ronan were nice and sure, they were pretty and the kisses were fine, but they were nothing compared to the way Ronan's mouth on his makes him feel. Ronan's kisses make him feel alive, they spread through his body, send electricity down his spine. He's so full of it that sometimes he's surprised there are no sparks when their lips brush. That they don't produce electric shocks.
When they pull back for air and are breathing heavily, Adam says: 'They were nothing compared to you, believe me.'
'They better not.', Ronan growls and flips them over, so Adam's back lands on the hood and Ronan's looming over him. 'I don't care who you've been with, but I might just try to make it so you forget their names, anyway. To be sure.'
Adam wants to roll his eyes and tell Ronan how ridiculous he is, but then he starts leaving a trail of wet kisses down Adam's neck, his jaw, his collarbone and, well. He locks their lips together once again, leaving Adam breathless just by kissing him. Adam responds with enthusiasm. It might not be the best place to do this; Adam's not entirely comfortable, but he would rather do almost anything than move right now.
3.
Adam's eyebrows lift and his mouth molds into some sort of mixture between amusement and annoyance. He catches Ronan's eyes and shoots him a look. Ronan shrugs, acting like Adam's looks don't affect him, when in reality one glare from him could make him do anything. Or stop him from doing it. But he's not about to admit that, ever, although he's pretty sure Adam's figured it out, anyway. He's always been able to see through Ronan.
He turns back to the conversation they were having with Declan and one of his friends. It's boring as fuck because it's Declan and Declan's friend, but here they are anyway. At least Matthew and Adam are here, otherwise he would've stormed off ages ago. He and Declan are better now, after everything. Ronan's coming to realize Declan, though maybe not handling it right, didn't always have bad intentions. And Declan's coming to realize things of his own and the relationship they are rebuilding may not be more than a wisp of smoke – deformed and the result of the fire they harbored towards each other for years – nothing like how they were before, but it's something. They're trying.
That doesn't mean Ronan is going to willingly listen to some conversation about politics of all things. So it's not exactly his fault he zoned out while waiting for Adam to come home from work after church service. Adam was taking a long-ass time and then Declan's friend joined them and well, Adam may be a constant in his mind, always there in the back even when he's doing something else, but Ronan's still only human and very gay and Declan's friend would be considered hot by numerous people, so he can't be blamed for just appreciating what he could see of the guy's body, right? Right? He was fucking subtle about it, too. It's not his fault Adam arrived at the exact wrong time and notices every little thing even when it's done subtly. No, Ronan is definitely not to blame.
He certainly doesn't deserve Adam's smirk and that look. As if Adam never looks at other people when they're walking down the streets or something. And like, Ronan knows for a fact that Adam still thinks Blue is pretty, but Ronan doesn't make a problem of it, does he?
His eyes shifted to Adam the second he arrived, anyway. How could Ronan look at anyone else when Adam's there? Ronan will never stop being mesmerized by the elegant, almost otherworldly, lines of his face. His cheekbones higher than Ronan's self-esteem (which, to be honest, is not all that high, but whatever). His golden freckles that look like they were painted on his face by the careful pencil brushes of God himself, his slightly chapped lips; the most beautiful shape Ronan's ever seen. His eyes the color of a morning sky in spring; soft and intense at the same time. He's fucking beautiful. Declan's friend, what's-his-name, does not come close. He might as well be on a different goddamn planet for how far off he is from the mystical beauty of Adam Parrish.
The effect Adam has on him is a little scary at times if he's being honest, but he wouldn't trade it for anything.
'We should go.', Declan says to his friend, dragging Ronan out of his own thoughts. 'Matthew, you coming?' He twirls his car keys in his hand.
'Yeah.' Matthew quickly pulls Ronan into a hug and ducks when Ronan ruffles his hair after they pull back, but he lets out a little laugh, a sound Ronan would kill to protect. He bumps fists with Adam and, after Declan says goodbye too and the friend nods at both of them, they're gone.
Now that his brothers are gone and the parking lot is close to being empty, Ronan pulls Adam to peck his lips, then pulls him closer by the hip and drops a kiss on top of his head. His brothers have no problem with their relationship, but it still feels a little too personal to do in front of them. He's supposed to be tough and that's not really possible when he's kissing a beautiful boy like this, all tender and soft and shit. Adam smiles at him.
'So, who was that?'
'Those were my brothers, Parrish. Declan and Matthew? Matt's great. The other one is kind of a dick, fucking annoying sometimes.'
'Ah, runs in the family, then.', Adam retorts, while they make their way to Adam's apartment.
'Asshole.'
'How original.', he says, unlocking his door and pushing it open. He drops his keys on the desk and kicks off his old, beat-up sneakers. Ronan sprawls on the tiny mattress on the floor and opens his arms, a sign that he wants Adam to lie down.
Adam looks at him, but doesn't move. He stands still in front of the mattress, looking down at Ronan. 'I have homework.'
'Do it later.'
Ronan can see Adam calculating if he can, contemplating if he'll have enough time to do it later. 'Parrish, it's ten on a Sunday morning, you don't have to work at all anymore today, I think you can spare ten minutes to cuddle with your fucking boyfriend.'
Adam sighs. 'I guess.' And he lowers himself onto the mattress in Ronan's arms. They're crammed onto the small surface, but they've done this enough time that, at this point, they're experts at making it work. Ronan pulls Adam to his chest.
'No, but seriously. Who was that guy?'
'Just one of Declan's friends. No one special.'
Adam hums. 'He was kind of cute, right?'
'Sure, Parrish.'
Silence, except for both their thoughts whirling through the room.
'He's an asshole, though.'
'You're an asshole.'
'You're right, Parrish. On second thought, we'd be perfect together. Maybe I'll just go fuck him instead.', Ronan says, all the while playing with Adam's hair, combing through it with his hand, twirling strands of it between his fingers. He's being gentle, an ability he thought he'd lost when things got really dark.
'Asshole.'
'You said that already.'
'Yeah, well. The situation asked for a second one.'
Ronan snickers when Adam moves as far from Ronan as is possible on the mattress without falling off. Which is not a lot. They're both lying on their sides, and even then there would barely be place for a Blue-shaped person between them. Ronan is smirking, Adam is glaring.
'Loser', Ronan says fondly and takes Adam's wrist. 'Come and kiss me.'
Adam shakes his head. 'Nope', he says. 'Not when you were talking about fucking some other guy like, three seconds ago.'
Ronan rolls his eyes. 'More like thirty seconds.'
'Point still stands.'
'You know I only said cuddling but really meant making out, right? I thought you knew me that well at least. Are you seriously not going to kiss me?'
'Na-uh, you'll have to wait.', though he shows no sign of getting up and doing his homework, and keeps looking at Ronan, so Ronan knows he's not actually mad. Doesn't mean Ronan likes this either way. He groans.
'Who knew you were such a petty fucker, Jesus Christ.'
Adam shrugs. 'Should've thought about that before you started dating me.'
Ronan lets out a deep, dramatic sigh. All through church service and then the painful conversation with Declan and Friend, the only thing keeping him from going completely insane of boredom was the prospect of Adam's lips on his later. They haven't seen each other all weekend because of work and the distance between The Barns and here. Ronan couldn't just leave Opal alone that night and normally Adam comes over, – either on Friday night, either on Saturday – but he took an extra shift and that wasn't possible anymore and fuck it may have been only two days, but Ronan's in too deep and two days is enough for him to miss Adam. And now he won't even kiss him, God.
'If I make it up to you, will you kiss me then?'
'Depends.'
Ronan straddles Adam in a fluid motion, taking Adam by surprise. So, maybe his lips weren't the only thing Ronan missed about Adam. The little gasps he lets out when he's surprised, are another. He looks him in the eye, asking a silent question and at the same time daring him to say no when Ronan knows Adam's about to drop his act in a mere couple of seconds. It's clear in his eyes that Adam wants this as much as Ronan does.
So, Ronan starts leaving kisses down Adam's neck, while Adam tries to stay silent and not give in to Ronan's advances. He lifts his shirt and leaves kisses on his stomach, chest, following the fine trail of hair under his navel, dipping lower and lower and apparently that's a little too much for Adam, because he grips the back of Ronan's head and groans.
His pants are off in a second and yes, fuck, Ronan is definitely forgiven after that, if the sounds Adam's making are anything to go by.
4.
From where he's standing, Adam can see the back of Ronan's head and his shoulders moving in time with his words. The guy in front of him, listening with an attentive face, is tall, nearly as tall as Ronan himself, with a thick flop of dark hair, a jawline as sharp as glass. He's… handsome, Adam has to admit.
Ronan's shoulders are tense and he keeps fiddling with his wristbands. His face is turned the other way, but Adam knows those things mean he's bored and wants this conversations to be over. Adam's seen him act this way countless times before. In fact, the only time he's seen him differently is when he's in the presence of their friend group or his brothers, and if Declan's there that's not even always the case. But still, there's something bugging Adam.
The man has a way of raking his eyes up and down Ronan's body, that makes Adam uncomfortable. He can't blame him for thinking Ronan's attractive, he's not the only one, but it's bothering Adam that the guy can't seem to say a word to his boyfriend without smiling flirtatiously. Ronan probably doesn't even notice. That doesn't mean Adam hasn't noticed, though. He has and he's been watching them for a good five minutes.
Around him, the students of Aglionby are getting ready for the weekend, clapping each other on the shoulder, throwing around words like bro dude no homo and Adam can't wait to get out of here. Ronan was supposed to pick him up, which he did. But he wasn't supposed to get hit on by some random guy while he's waiting for Adam against the BMW.
Adam hates himself a little for the churning of his insides. He does not want to be this person. He does not want to be that person who doesn't let his boyfriend talk to others. He does not want to become a controlling asshole. The jealousy unfurling inside nauseously conjure memories of his father, claiming his mother, treating her like some sort of doll only he was allowed to play with, treating her like a possession. Adam does not want to be that person.
(He does not want to become his father, but he's afraid it's going to happen anyway.)
So, Adam tries not to be that person, but it's hard sometimes. With how much he loves Ronan. Adam shrugs his bag straighter on his shoulder and makes his way across the parking lot to where Ronan's standing.
'Parrish', Ronan greets him when he sees Adam arrive, a smile instantly lighting up his face. The difference is so obvious; Ronan's shoulders relax and his face softens at the sight of Adam. He drops his hand from where he was gnawing on his wristbands and uses it to ruffle Adam's hair instead. Adam ducks and good-naturedly swats his hand away, but he's too slow. Ronan's hands in his hair, messing it up, make all the annoyance he had pent up all day disappear in just one touch. It scares Adam sometimes, how dependent he is of Ronan's effect on him, how much the thing getting him through the day often is the thought of Ronan at the end when it used to be only getting out of here. It's a tie now. The prospect of college is nice, but it's nothing he can look forward to that's available right now. Ronan's smile is.
Adam returns it with a smile of his own and greets the guy Ronan was talking to. Apparently their conversation wasn't that interesting, because he's gone after less than thirty seconds.
'Who was that?,' Adam asks.
'Fuck if I know. Just some guy who liked my car apparently. He wouldn't fucking leave me, kept bugging me.'
Adam raises his eyebrows. 'Really?' He can't help taking in Ronan thoroughly himself, the way he looks today. Leather jacket, black ripped jeans, a day's old stubble that makes his jawline more pronounced.
He really, really does not blame that guy for thinking Ronan is hot. Adam has some trouble breathing evenly. He desperately wants to touch, to kiss, to – .
'Come on, I want to show you something.' Adam grabs Ronan's hand and pulls him with him through the mass of boys, back into Aglionby.
'Where are we going? I swear, Parrish, if I have to spend one more goddamn minute wasting my time in this hell hole I'll – '
'Lynch, have some patience. I promise you, you'll like this.
Adam looks before pulling Ronan in an empty corridor to make sure no one sees them. Then he opens the door to a classroom, peeks through the small opening and when it's clear the classroom's empty, pushes open the door, pulls Ronan inside and closes it behind them. Before the door has time to properly fall in the lock, he shoves Ronan's back against it. Ronan, who's wearing a wicked smile, lets out a laugh and says: 'I take it back, Parrish. I will gladly spend more time here if it's to violate the classrooms.'
A pair of lips shut him up. Adam places one hand on against the door next to Ronan's head and the other on his chest, while he kisses him intensely, moving their mouths as if his life depends on whether this kiss makes Ronan's head spin or not. As by instinct, Ronan's hands nestle in his hair and lightly pull at the seams, emitting a moan from Adam.
'Shut up.', Adam rasps when he pulls back after a while. 'Someone will hear you.'
'What, you couldn't wait thirty minutes to get home? Are you that desperate for me?', Ronan says, choosing to ignore Adam's warning, with a smirk on his lips, a nonchalance that could fool almost anyone into believing he does this every day. Almost anyone. Adam isn't fooled. Ronan's eyes glimmer and his cheekbones are a little red. His breathing is a tad faster than it normally is and almost unnoticeably hitches anytime Adam as much as brushes his hands over his arm.
Somehow he only looks better than he did outside; lips kiss-bruised by Adam, matching his red cheeks. Adam's pretty proud of himself.
'The way you looked outside, that – that really wasn't fair', Adam answers, equally out of breath. 'And what's even worse, is that some random guy got to see it up close and I was to observe from afar how he looked at you and how you got hit on.'
At Adam's words, Ronan's lips twitch up and a smug look appears in his eyes. 'Were you jealous, Parrish?'
Adam could simply tell him the truth, but Ronan wouldn't let him live it down, though that would make him an unbelievable hypocrite. Not that Ronan would care. But Adam isn't really feeling up to a lifetime of jokes remember that one time you dragged me into an empty classroom to make out with me just because I was talking to someone that wasn't you?
Adam almost grimaces at the smug tone he can hear Ronan use in his head. And instead, he nestles his nose in Ronan's neck, breathing in his scent and starts leaving small, wet kisses. When Ronan's breathing accelerates, Adam smiles because that's what he was hoping for. 'Maybe I was. I'm selfish, you know.' Adam lightly bites down on his collarbone. 'Want you all to myself.'
'Well, shit, Parrish. Possessive.' The words don't have any of the mocking sharpness to them when they're said half out of breath and stuttering.
Doing this does not in any way mean Ronan will let him forget this moment, but at least Adam will have jabs of his own. He can retort by commenting on the way Ronan's heartbeat sped up under his fingers and how the boy was blushing to the top of his ears. How he let out small, desperate moans every time Adam's teeth came in contact with the delicate skin of his neck. How Ronan let his head fall back on the door with a heavy thud as if it became too heavy to keep upright. How his hands were gripping Adam's hair and pulling, seemingly by themselves.
Adam allows himself a moment to swim in the warmth spreading inside him when he thinks that he's the reason Ronan is utterly wrecked. Ronan Lynch, the boy accustomed to pain and who wears it like angry spikes meant to keep people away; who used to find small bits of light in his otherwise dark life in racing and seeking adrenaline in dangerous places; the boy who punches people in the face without a second thought and gets arrested for it without a care.
(Ronan Lynch, the boy who lost his mom and dad and friend; who likes to dreams of light and brings that to life by bringing angelic brothers and mystical girls and pet ravens into the world; who punches the Robert Parrishes of the world because they deserve it.)
The fact that he can make that Ronan Lynch vulnerable when most of his life is spent behind an armor to hide that vulnerability, makes Adam feel like he's on top of the world. God, he loves him so much.
He doesn't grace Ronan with an answer, but sinks his teeth in the soft skin of Ronan's collarbone in lieu of answering. The only way of describing what he's doing, is by saying Adam is simply assaulting Ronan's neck. He's sucking, licking, biting the skin, desperate to leave marks, to leave his mark, to claim Ronan as his own. In truth, he's only doing this because Ronan likes it. He would never treat him like that otherwise. But he knows Ronan likes it when Adam calls him his, likes it when he's a little rougher, a little less careful and it's a testament to their mutual trust because all Adam was comfortable doing in the beginning of their relationship, was softly caressing his cheek while pouring all his love in kissing Ronan. Because Adam didn't want to lose control, to turn out like his father, hurt Ronan in any way. He needed to be reminded of the fact that he could be soft and gentle if he wanted to. He has that now, he knows he's not hurting Ronan in any way, that he has the ability to be gentle and treat Ronan like something to be treasured, which he is, and that's why he can allow himself to tuck that gentleness away at times. And of course, the noises Ronan's making only encourage him.
'God, Adam', Ronan obscenely gasps when he licks the bits of his tattoo peeking out of his shirt.
'Shh, don't make so much noise. Someone'll hear us.', Adam pauses his previous activity to look up at Ronan.
'Don't fucking care.', Ronan says, breathless.
'Well, I do. So keep It down.'
And God, Ronan looks so good like this. Crumbling against the door, shaved head resting behind him and breathing heavily. His blue eyes wide and glossy, kiss-bruised lips and several bruises painted on his neck, courtesy of Adam. It takes a lot for Adam to resist simply dropping to his knees right now and take Ronan's noises of pleasure all the way out. But no, that's a little too much. He definitely wouldn't be able to keep quiet then and Adam really does not want to be found out. He has built himself some kind of reputation around the teachers at Aglionby and seen as he needs the recommendation letters for his college applications, he would like for that to stay the way it is now.
Adam traces the hickeys on Ronan's neck with a feather light touch that makes the other boy shudder, before saying: 'Now everyone will know you're taken.'
'Jesus shit, Parrish.'
'Come on. We'll finish this off at home.'
Ronan is already wearing his marks like badges of honor, which okay, that was kind of Adam's point, but he still hopes they won't accidently run into anyone on their way home. The drive home is going to be incredibly excruciating, Adam knows; he's so turned on right now. Maybe he'll make Ronan stop on the side of a deserted road. That has to be one of Ronan's fantasies, right? He probably has a playlist ready for when it happens.
Adam takes Ronan's hand in his and, after checking to see if the coast is clear, drags him out of the classroom to the BMW.
5.
Red.
That's a good way of describing Ronan's feeling at the moment. Because red means love, but also anger and maybe, possibly blood, although he's trying not to think of that too intensely. It won't lead to anything positive.
(It's also a color he's learned to associate with himself – apart from black for obvious reasons – because it reminds him of anger and blood and the devil. He's getting better at not immediately thinking of those in regards with himself, though. It's getting easier now, to associate the color red with himself, but to think of love and the paint on the sheds at The Barns and Opal's new red skullcap instead.)
He's trying not to stare, honestly. He's trying to ignore it and to – to brush it off, but now there's a hand being placed on an arm and he's not sure he can just ignore this much longer. He knows he's being unreasonable, but he can't help it and anyway, when has Ronan ever cared about being reasonable?
He's sitting in a booth at Nino's, listening to Gansey talk about another one of his discoveries he'd absolutely love to visit on his road trip with Cheng and Blue. Or well, he was listening. What he's doing now can't exactly be called listening. The words are said at him, enter his ears, but don't quite reach his brain. They're stuck somewhere between begging for entrance and not actually caring where they end up as long as they're being said.
What he actually is doing could best be described as staring a hole in the back of Adam's head. He thinks there's a real possibility his eyes are spitting fire. Good thing Adam's fireproof.
'Ronan?', the mention of his name momentarily snaps him out of his intense concentration. 'Ronan, are you listening?', Gansey sounds somewhere between concerned and annoyed. It's a voice Ronan's heard countless times over the past years, so much that he's named it the 'Ronanvoice'.
'Sure. Something about haunted ruins.' He doesn't take his eyes off Parrish and the girl still holding his arm.
'Yes!', Gansey sounds delightfully pleased that Ronan listened to him. He wasn't. 'But it's not only that. It's much more complex and I realize my explanation might have been confusing, so – What are you looking at?'
Gansey follows Ronan's line of sight and inevitably finds himself looking at Adam and the girl. 'Ah, I see.'
'What?', Ronan snaps. He doesn't like it when Gansey talks like that, like Ronan's so easy to see through. It makes him feel way too small. Ronan who spends so much of his life under an armor of tattoos and shaved heads and leather to ultimately hide the pain underneath, is rendered vulnerable when Gansey immediately sees what's wrong because what does that say about his armor? Admittedly, he's not exactly subtle and anyone could guess what was going on, really. But Gansey just has a way of doing that, that gets under his skin. 'You don't have to worry, you know'.
'The fuck would I worry about?' Gansey's right, though. Ronan does worry sometimes. He worries that he's not enough. That eventually, Adam will get bored of him. Adam, who's been dreaming of leaving this fucking place and never looking back, who's been working himself to ruins his whole goddamn life, why would he stay with Ronan of all people, when he'll have the chance to forget about Henrietta entirely. Why would he stay with Ronan who'll probably just remind him of all the horrible things and nightmares? In college, he'll surely meet lots of smarter, kinder, healthier people than Ronan and will he realize then? That he deserves better?
Ronan would move to the other side of the world with Adam, as far from his hometown and childhood house possible if only it meant Adam would not associate himself with this town of horrors.
Maybe some of it is tied to insecurities still.
'He's been talking to her for twenty minutes at least.'
Adam went ordering some more drinks for them, when this girl had just started talking to him out of nowhere. And it's been way too long, his ordered jug of ice tea waiting for him on the counter seems to be decaying already.
Ronan groans. When did he become this dramatic?
'It has not been more than five.'
'Whatever. I'm going over.'
'No', Gansey, the voice of reason, tries to stop him. But again, when has Ronan ever listened to reason? 'Ronan, don't. You know Adam won't – '
But Ronan doesn't hear the end of that sentence. Parrish won't what? Approve, like it, appreciateit? Ha.
Five strides and he's standing next to Adam, putting an arm around his waist, pulling him closer. Adam turns his head and looks up at him. There's a look on his face. One that says he's wondering what the hell Ronan is doing, but at the same time knows exactly what the hell Ronan is trying to do. It's a little intimidating if Ronan's being completely honest. Because once again, someone can make Ronan feel like he's not that unreadable as he likes to think he is. That he's actually as transparent as clear water. The difference when Adam does it, is that, even though he finds it a little intimidating, he doesn't mind. He wants Adam to know him, all of him. To understand him the way others have failed to do. The way even Gansey sometimes fails to do. And, if Adam lets him, he wants to understand Adam the same way. All of it. The good and the bad. (Though Ronan likes to believe nothing about Adam could ever be entirely bad.)
Ronan turns to the girl. She's objectively pretty, as far Ronan can tell, with big, green eyes and dark hair. She has a sparkle in her eyes, which Ronan guesses means she likes Adam or some shit like that. He musters up the scariest, most intimidating look he can, the one that could make powerful men lose all their influence and the bravest men lose their courage. (Though, all his friends seem to be immune to it. Especially Adam, who's never once seemed to show discomfort by it. He's not sure what that means, but he can't say he hates it.)
He throws it at the girl like a weapon meant to cut her down. At once, her eyes widen and she drops the hand that was playing with a loose strand of hair. Her posture seems to stiffen, she's uncomfortable.
She scrambles up her purse and pretends to check the time on her phone. 'Uh, I gotta go.', she shoots Adam an apologetic smile. 'It was nice seeing you again, Adam.' Her eyes nervously flick to Ronan, back to Adam. 'So, yeah. Bye.' And with that she's gone. Ronan didn't even say anything. He allows himself a moment to feel smug.
But then Adam pushes the arm from around his waist and turns to Ronan and Gansey might have been right, goddammit. He hates it when that happens. Because Adam does not look like he approved, liked it, appreciated it. Fuck.
'What the fuck, Lynch?'
'What? I didn't even do anything.'
'Um, sorry? So you didn't just scare away the person I was talking to?'
Ronan decides to ignore that question because he figures Adam doesn't expect an answer. 'Where did you know her from anyway?'
'I used to go to school with her. Before Aglionby. I don't see how that matters.'
'She was clearly flirting with you.'
'No, she wasn't.' Ronan can hear the frustration creeping into Adam's voice. He's not raising his voice, but that might make it worse. 'And even if she was, that still doesn't give you the right to just swoop in and scare her away. I can decide who I talk to for myself, thanks.'
'Are you actually pissed right now?' Ronan realizes it maybe wasn't the best thing to do, but he didn't actually expect Adam to react like this.
'Is that a serious question, Lynch?'
'Whatever. Let's not do this here. Not with Gansey looking at us like he's going to have a stroke or something.' And the fact that Ronan Lynch wants to wait to fight until they're somewhere private shows how much he's grown. The Ronan of last year wouldn't have cared where they were or who saw them.
Adam lets out a sigh and rakes a hand through his hair. Then he makes his way back to the table, forgetting the pitcher of ice tea he initially came for. Ronan lifts it and goes to join his friends.
Truth is: Ronan hates it when Adam is angry with him. He wants to make things right. He desperately wants to tell Adam he's sorry. But his relationship with those words is still a little complicated. It's still a challenge to get over his pride every time he says them. And he just can't do it here.
Maybe he'll say them later, when it's just the two of them in his room at Monmouth or St. Agnes or The Barns or in the car, with the open road as their only company when they go for an impromptu late night drive. Maybe he'll whisper them in the crook of Adam's neck while he leaves the smallest, lightest kisses. Maybe he'll say them with Adam's knuckles brushing against his lips, leaving the words on each one of his fingertips. Maybe he won't be able to wait until then, won't be able to bear Adam being angry with him and take his hand under the table, out of Gansey's sight and gently brush over every tiny scare Adam has collected after years of hard work, and he'll bump their shoulders, look at him from under his lashes and try to convey what he can't say out loud, in his touch, in his eyes.
I'm sorry.
And Adam will understand what he's trying to do. Because that's how they function. Through touch and actions rather than words. And although they're getting better at actually communicating out loud, they both prefer the other way.
English is not their language of choice.
+ 1
It's late in the evening. The window next to the bed is halfway open, making the white curtain move. Through it Adam can see the stars littered across the night sky. He feels at peace.
Ronan's bed is big enough for both of them to be comfortable. It's bigger than the one at St. Agnes, but they're used to sleeping there and they've formed the habit of sleeping wrapped up in each other to save space.
Adam is currently lying on Ronan's chest, the rhythmic movement lulling him into sleepiness. With Ronan's hand softly going through his hair on top of that, he probably won't be awake much longer.
It's moments like these Adam prefers to almost all others. It's simple, quiet, peaceful. The silence is wrapped around them, hovering over them like a summer breeze, relieving after a day of noise. It feels sacrilegious, almost, to break it, but there are words weighing down his chest, desperately fighting their way out and Adam knows he won't be able to get full peace if he doesn't allow them access out.
'Hey, Ronan?' Adam shifts so his face is turned towards Ronan's general direction. 'You know you have nothing to be jealous of, right?'
Although Ronan's getting better at controlling his jealousy and at simply ignoring it when it gets too bad, Adam knows it's still there, even when he doesn't show it. It's clear in the way Ronan stiffens sometimes, or clenches his fists, look the other way. Because he doesn't want to cause a scene. Because he knows Adam doesn't like it when he acts like that. And Adam's grateful that he's trying and that he's getting better, but he also wants to make sure Ronan knows he loves him, only him. The insecurities tied to those feelings have never been admitted out loud, by neither of them, but Adam thinks they probably should.
'Where's this coming from?'
Ronan's hand had stilled for a second, before resuming the movement through Adam's hair.
'Just want to make sure you know that.' Adam pushes himself up in his elbow so he can properly look at Ronan. 'And that I love you.'
It's not the first time he says the words, and definitely not the first time he's shown it, but they still send a thrill through him.
'I know.', Ronan nods. 'I love you too.'
Adam plants a sweet kiss on his mouth, then his cheek and lays down next to him. He takes Ronan's hand in his and starts playing with his fingers.
It's silent for a while, their breathing the only sound in the room, until Ronan quietly says. 'I just – sometimes – ' he breaks off and Adam figures he needs a little time to form his thoughts and that he will say them when he's ready. It doesn't take too long. 'Sometimes I'm afraid you'll realize you don't really want me after all.'
Ronan lets out the words all at once, like a river suddenly starting to flow and coming to a halt as abruptly. They feel like a confession to Adam, coming from the deepest rooms in Ronan's heart and Adam knows they're fragile and should be treated with care. Everything Ronan says is the truth, but some truths bear more weight than others. He knows this wasn't easy for Ronan to say.
'I want you, Ronan. And I don't think that's going to change anytime soon.'
'Parrish, you've wanted to leave this place since fucking forever. Why would you – '
'Doesn't mean I want to leave you.' Adam tries to put as much truth and conviction in his words, because he needs Ronan to understand that although he has wanted to leave Henrietta since the day he learned there was more to this world than this tiny town in Virginia, he never wants to leave Ronan. Ronan may live here, but he's sure they'll find a way to make things work. They're stubborn like that.
Adam can't picture the rest of his life without the presence of piercing blue eyes and a whimsical girl.
'Rationally, I'm aware of the fact that you wouldn't be doing this unless you're one hundred percent sure, because you're Adam Parrish and you don't do things halfway, but it's easy to forget at times.'
'I understand. But I promise you, you have nothing to worry about.'
He nuzzles closer to Ronan and Ronan wraps an arm around him, pressing Adam to him and pressing a lingering kiss to the top of his head, making warmth spread through Adam's body. They don't say anything for a while, Adam tries to tell Ronan he doesn't need to worry again, by holding him as close as he can, hoping he understands.
Then: 'It's still hard sometimes, for me to believe I'm worth loving.' Adam hates that his voice sounds so weak.
Above him, Ronan tenses, no doubt thinking of the people that made Adam feel this way. He takes a deep breath, releases it, wraps his arms around Adam and pulls him, if possible, even closer and simply holds him tight for a moment.
It's hard for Adam to admit this, to talk about things like this. Still, after all this time, he's used to working alone, relying on himself only. His parents were never any kind of comfort to him, so he's learned to console and wipe away the tears on his own. But he's trying to realize he doesn't have to do that anymore. He doesn't have to go through life alone, he's got a shoulder to lean on now, people to share the weight with. It's… nice. And he's trying not to keep all his fears and insecurities inside. After Ronan's confession, he wanted to voice his too and, honestly, it's relieving.
Because the way Ronan is holding him now, reminds him of the fact that there are people that care about him, that Ronan's feelings run deep and that Adam's not alone anymore. Ronan doesn't have to voice his thoughts aloud for Adam to understand what he's trying to convey.
'Adam, I – fuck.' Arms tight around him, lips on his forehead, fingers brushing his arms. 'I love you so fucking much. And not only me. Opal, she fucking adores you. I swear she likes you more than me. Always whining when you're not here, Jesus Christ, she drives me insane. Gansey, too and Blue and', he swallows. 'Noah. You're, God, Adam, you're – ' He breaks off his sentence, frustrated by his difficulty with words, but the message has been received; Adam understands and he's suddenly choked up. He swallows his tears and plants a kiss on Ronan's collarbone.
Although words don't come naturally to them, sometimes it's satisfying to hear them anyway. Rationally, he knows this. He knows Ronan loves him and has been in love with him for quite some time, now. He knows Gansey and Opal and even Blue – they're pushing through the awkwardness and their friendship is newer and fresher as his friendship with Gansey, but equally as wonderful – love him and he loves them too. Noah loved him, maybe he still does. Time is a circle, after all. But there's a big difference between knowing it on a purely logical level, and having Ronan proclaim it to him in a voice overflowing with sincerity, honesty, emotion. He's thinking maybe they should learn to use their words a little more often. Maybe Ronan needs to hear certain things himself out loud sometimes: that he's a good person; that his mistakes don't make up who he is as a person; that his mother's death wasn't his fault – Adam knows guilt gnaws at his heart when he thinks of her in the dark, when the night is silent and the feeling can creep up on him unknown; that he's not wrong – because of his dreams, his past, his sexuality. He probably needs to hear all of that as much as Adam needs to hear he's worth loving. Adam promises himself to remind Ronan of these things until he believes them.
Adam is happy, he realizes suddenly. He has everything he's worked for all these years. His efforts have been rewarded. There are several acceptance letters from various Ivy league colleges lying on his desk, almost all of them include a full scholarship. He actually has a choice to make for once in his life. It's a new feeling and he's immensely grateful for it. He can get out of Henrietta and try to leave the memories of his parents behind for good. He's got time. Which is something he never had. This summer has been amazing. He dropped two of his jobs, just because he can and without the homework, he actually has time to read books because he wants to and not because he has to, he can figure out what he likes to do in his free time, he can take long walks in the woods without it being for Cabeswater.
And he has love, which for so long he thought was a privilege, only granted to a handful of people, people like Gansey who get everything handed to them. But certainly not people like Adam Parrish who don't have an ounce of love and warmth in their blood because they were never taught how to. They didn't have meals prepared with love. They didn't have loving touches growing up, loving words said to them. Why would he suddenly find love. No, love was a privilege. Adam had believed that for most part of his life.
But here he is now. Being loved by a wonderful boy and loving him in return. So much that sometimes he thinks people surely see it on his face, smell it on him, or like, see it in his eyes or something cliché like that. See that he's in love with Ronan Lynch in his eyes and that Ronan Lynch is in love with him too.
'I love you too.'
Adam Parrish is happy. Who would've ever thought?