Her story

by hannah boo 123

TRIGGER WARNING: This is a story about a girl, and what she is going through and her struggle with depression.

Once upon a time a beautiful little girl was born. Her mother loved her very much, but her father left them both all alone because he didn't want the girl. When the girl was still just a baby her mother met someone, and as she got to know him she fell in love. The new man loved the girl and her mother and he adopted the girl as his own. Around the time the girl was three, her parents noticed she was different. She was extremely hyper and never stayed still. As she grew into a child she only got worse. Now she couldn't focus on top of being extremely hyper. She had wild fantasies that often put her life at risk when she acted on them. Through this all her mother and father loved her no matter what. Around the time the girl was twelve her fantasies morphed into twisted and sick things but she knew she couldn't act on these. The thoughts floated in and out of her head, they were often cruel and mean towards the people around her but still she kept them in her head. She began to act out in the hopes that somebody would see it and help her, but she never let anyone in and all she did was get in trouble. Two years after that the girl felt lost, isolated, and she hated herself. She would get up in the mornings and before she got ready for school, she would say horrible things to herself in the mirror. Around this time the girl made a friend. This other girl made some of the evil things in the girl's head feel normal. Her and this other girl had a wild and poisonous relationship, and it ended within the span of a few months. In the aftermath of this friendship the girl felt her reality slipping but she was fighting to be all right. Then other girls in her school started to tease her. It started out innocent, children just being mean, but then it started to escalate. Eventually they wrote a letter and slipped it in her locker. The letter said she was a worthless cow. She went home that night and stared at herself in the mirror watching as tears rained down her face. "You are nothing" she whispered to herself " worthless and ugly" at her last word the girl sank to the ground and cried. She cried for a while. When the tears finally stopped the girl felt like she was slipping away. She had seen the other girls at school with scars and cuts on their arms and suddenly it was stuck in her head like a song. She wanted to feel the pain. She tried to walk out of the bathroom and forget the idea ever came to her but then she saw it. A razor sat on the edge of the tub and upon seeing it the girl froze. She had her hand on the doorknob about to leave the bathroom but she couldn't take another step. She fought herself in her mind and tried to fight the dark urges she was having but the girl realized she was too weak. She stepped forward towards the tub, and when she leaned down and picked up the razor, she felt something dark rising up inside her. She shut her eyes for a moment as she tried to talk herself out of it but then she gave in, with her eyes open and her hand shaking she slid the razor over her ankle. Blood welled up and she drew in a deep breath as she identified the dark feeling that had risen in her heart. It was hatred. Towards herself. She did it again this time more confident. She drew in a sharp breath when she realized that it hurt but she still didn't stop. She couldn't stop because she felt the weight of life lift off her shoulders, and it was like she could breath again.

The day after she felt a little bit better. Her heart didn't feel so weighted. She was still thinking terrible things but it wasn't the first thing in her mind all the time.

The girl was happy for a little while after. She even made a new friend. The new friend was a kind girl, she had rainbow hair, and she was amazingly smart, and the girl really enjoyed her company. The girl and her new friend grew close, but the girl didn't let her see what was wrong with her.

After a while the girl noticed that the bad thoughts were getting louder in her head and she felt that dark feeling again. She walked through the halls and she hated the people around her, she blamed them for her pain. She never realized she was the cause of her pain. The girls had never stopped picking on her, and they turned the dark thoughts towards the girl. The girl knew what she needed. Then one night she isolated herself in the bathroom. She didn't look in the mirror because she hated her reflection. She calmly grabbed the razor she had hidden in the chemicals cabinet and lifted her pant leg. But then she stopped, she froze in midair as she realized something. She had realized her chilling reality, she was insane. Then she spurred back into motion, she pulled up her pants with a renewed fervor and slashed the skin underneath. That's when the tears started. She cried and with each silent sob she made another red, bleeding line.

When the girl went to high school, the next year, she hadn't made another cut since that night. She thought she was ok. She was in a new school that she had to actually go to but she also did all the work online. The other girls there were great and she made friends really fast. She didn't feel so alone anymore. She found herself happier than she had been in months and even when one girl started to pick on her she didn't let herself fall back into her dark state of mind. She told herself she was ok and that she had so many friends now so how could she be upset. She didn't want to see the darkness that was threatening her mind again so she just ignored it. It was a huge mistake. When the girl who had been picking on her got two or three of her friends to join in and the girl felt betrayed and hurt. But still she told herself she was ok, and she didn't realize she was breaking again. Each day more of the girls friends started to join in with the bullying, until she had only two friends left. With tears in her eyes she locked herself away again.

"Just this once and I will feel better" that's what she told herself as she cut into her wrist. The next day the girl put on her sweater and smiled at everybody, pretending she was ok. But the principal said her sweater was against the uniform policy so she had to take it off. She went back to her desk and took off her sweater keeping her arm hidden. She almost made through the entire day by hiding her arm, but then one of the last girls who were still her friend saw it. She made the girl go to the nurse to get it cleaned. When the nurse asked how she got the cuts the girl said it was her cat. The nurse sat the girl down in her office and told her she knew those cuts were not from the cat. The girl insisted they were for a while but then she admitted to her self harm. The nurse swept into action alerting the principal and the girls parents, no matter how much she begged her not to tell. When the girl's parents came in they looked at their daughter and for the first time the girl saw disgust in their eyes. Something hardened in the girl's heart and she blocked out the pain of her parents new view of her. She promised herself she would do it again.

During this time the girl had believed her dad was her biological father. But then one night her parents were arguing, then the girl was dragged into the fight. She got upset and started to yell at her dad. She yelled for a little while but then, he started trying to smack her for her mouth. The girl ran into a different room because she didn't want to be hit. Her father cornered her in the room and her mother put herself between them. They started to argue again but this time her mom was protecting the girl. The girl stopped listening and tried to breath, but as she did so four words cut deep into her heart. "I'm not her Father!" he screamed and the mother froze as the girl's head snapped up. Her mother got angry and yelled about them not wanting to tell her. The girl felt something inside her harden as she spoke up. "What does that mean" both parents looked at the girl who was sitting on the floor with her eyes already watering. That was when they told her. The girl felt a need to meet her biological father, so she could meet the man who helped create her. She begged her mom to contact him and eventually her mother gave in and tried. Her bio never replied. It wasn't until later that her mother told the girl that her bio didn't want her, that he wouldn't even claim her. The girl felt unwanted and rejected and her pain showed in her eyes but her smile tricked them all.

She was kicked/pulled out of that high school and put back into the regular high school. None of the people she used to know even recognized her. Except for the girl with rainbow hair, except now her hair was green and another girl that she enjoyed making laugh [lets call them Emma and Cara}

Cara and the girl started to grow closer and the girl constantly made her laugh. The girl and cara started to become closer than just friends and she trusted her. They were always there for eachother and they had a great friendship. The girl began to consider Cara her best friend. And that was when their friendship got toxic. Cara had started to want the girl to be more than just friends, she wanted to date the girl. She started to constantly talk about how the girl should date her and eventually the girl said yes, even though she didn't feel the same. She accidently told somebody that she didn't want to date Cara and the day after they got together they broke up. Their breakup was a inferno of anger and the girl had to walk away from the argument because she didn't want to hurt Cara. that was the first time they fought. The night her and Cara argued was the night the girl started to cut again, but this time she didn't stop, she continued doing it about once a week. Soon her and Cara became friends once more and now the girl was dating a new boy [let's call him Peter]. The girl was almost happy again for a few days but she couldn't truly be happy because something was bothering her. Then she realized Cara had a crush on Peter. The girl didn't really mind it but she watched a little closer when Cara talked to Peter. The girl realized peter was flirting with Cara right in front of her and she began to grow dark once again.

Then one night the girl reached a breaking point. She pulled the razor apart so she had the blade itself. Then she slit her wrist. She was so tired of the dark feelings and the self hate that she gave up. Her sister found her and called their mom, while screaming that the girl was crazy and saying the girl didn't have a good enough reason to hurt herself. That was the first time the girl left her home and went to a hospital. She grew quiet and stopped sleeping due to the sudden change in her surroundings. She began having terrifying nightmares almost every night. The girl knew she had to get out of that place. She put on a fake smile and eventually people started to believe her. She got out within a week and then went to the partial program. She eventually was discharged after two weeks.

When she finally went back to school she saw Cara and Peter together, They had gotten together while the girl was at Bradley even though the girl had still been dating Peter. The girl wanted to scream at them both but she had learned self control at Bradley and she was able to smile and pretend nothing was wrong. Except even though she looked ok on the outside she was changing. She became bitter and mean, but she still played nice and pretended to be Cara's best friend, but in reality she was biding her time until she could tear apart Cara's and Peter's relationship.

She watched them and figured out their weakest point in their relationship, which ended up being the girl. Then the girl got Peter to kiss her and admit to still loving her, but she didn't tell him that she was really planning on hurting him and Cara in the worst way she could.

At the end of the summer the girl maliciously told Cara about the incident.

Cara and Peter fought and eventually Cara broke it off, unable to handle the betrayal. Even though she had finally hurt both off them like they hurt her the girl felt so empty. She started cutting again. Except now it was daily, and she couldn't stop. No matter how hard she tried. Cara cut her off, telling her she hated the girl. The girl didn't even care. She went completely numb for a few days, those were the only days she didn't cut. Then one night when she was in the shower, she sat down and pulled her knees to her chest, and she cried. She cried the worst kind of tears, the ones that you have to cover your mouth to muffle sobs and you feel this pain so deep in your chest. She finally had to acknowledge what she had done. She hated herself because she knew she had broken her morals and her own heart, yet she wasn't done hurting Cara. she was still angry and she finally felt hate towards somebody towards somebody other than herself. She hated Cara. She decided to date Peter and she used him to hurt Cara, when Cara looked at them she would kiss him or hold his hand just so she could see the hurt in Cara's eyes.

By this time the girl and her friend Emma were growing close. They hung out all the time and eventually their friendship grew to outside of school. She also started hanging out with another girl who was amazing in every single way. [lets call her Hope] All three had sleepovers all the time. Then the girl started to be happy. She felt less like a monster and more like a person again. They stayed friends for a long time. Then it started to fall apart. Emma started to drink and skip school and ignore the other two girls. Hope and the girl got closer, the girl eventually considered Hope her best friend. Then she started to feel things for her. She denied every feeling she felt for Hope, believing hope could never feel anything towards her. Her feelings started to pull her apart inside, bit by bit, and the girl started to feel self hate because of how she felt. She started dating boys so she could forget the feelings, and forced herself to love them. Then she started to feel like she was trapped.

After a lot of things started to happen at home the girl went to hope's house. She slept over. In the night she didn't feel so nervous around her. Hope kissed her and the girl kissed back. It escalated quickly. The girl was able to pretend that Hope actually cared about her during that time. They did the same thing the next night, even though Hope had said it was Lust not Love, the girl was already in love.

The girl got worse after those nights. She hated herself even more because now she couldn't deny that the feelings were there. She cut all the way up her arms and down her legs. She started to skip classes so she could type out suicide notes in the library. Then The night came when she finished the notes. She locked herself in the bathroom and pulled out the bottles of chemicals from under the sink. She laid all of the notes out neatly on the ground, making sure everybody she needed to explain this to had their explanation. She looked at the bottle, and suddenly she felt a sense of peace that she had never really gotten before. Her heart felt light and carefree. She picked up the bottle and just as she put to her lips, her mom knocked on the door. She swept the notes under the clothes on the floor and hide the chemicals. She opened the door and smiled out at her mother. "Are you ok?" her mother asked her, and the girl couldn't lie. She sat down on the floor and pulled out the notes. She started to cry as she held them up to her mother. "I want to die" she said, and she broke down.

They didn't send her to the hospital right away, but eventually they did. As she stayed there on the first night, she couldn't sleep. The next day she started a countdown to Hope's birthday and promised herself she would be out before then and that became her reason to get better. She agreed to medicine so she could start to fix herself. She made friends there but she knew she wouldn't be able to speak to them outside of the hospital so she didn't really get close to them. She stayed an entire two weeks. Then they sent her to Caritas Arts and she stayed there for one week. On the day she got out the first thing she did was text Hope. she told her about everything that had happened there.. Eventually she found out about Emma skipping school to get high and drunk. She immediately texted Emma. She worked it out with Emma and they came to the conclusion that Emma would stop skipping school and get her grades back up.

As the days went on Hope stopped texting back and the girl began to feel like something was wrong, but she didn't want to make herself look stupid if nothing was actually wrong. Then one day she was texting Hope and when she said she had to go the girl asked if she was mad at her. Then their argument started. The girl didn't know how to handle it and she thought Hope didn't want to talk to her. She started to disclude hope in her list of friends and when Hope found this out she got angry and cut the girl off entirely. Suddenly it was like all the air was gone and the girl couldn't breath, she felt like all the light had been sucked away from her. She shut down. Nobody noticed the subtle change in her but the girl was not in her own mind for a little while. Then a few days later the girl broke down in the shower. She cried for almost an hour and a half. That night she came back to life, and with her life she brought anger. She was enraged and felt almost violent towards the people around her but she controlled herself, playing her life like a game and moving carefully across the board. She didn't blame hope for leaving at first but then she felt more of her heart harden and she turned stone cold in the realization that when hope said bestfriends it was a lie. Their friendship had meant nothing to hope and the girl couldn't cope with that. The girl would catch herself reaching towards the phone to call or text hope only to catch herself, knowing she could never reach out to her. The anger quickly turned to sadness and the sadness turned to emptiness. She stopped allowing herself to think about hope and dived into her schoolwork, so she could forget. She knew it wasn't healthy to feel the way she did but she couldn't stop it. Her mind was poison again and she felt the pain on a new level. This time around she felt both the normal sad and her heartbreak all at the same time. She wanted Hope back but she didn't know the right words to say and she didn't even know if Hope would ever want to be her friend again. So she kept going, trying to move on. She dealt with the pain that shot through her when she saw Hope, because at the end of the day it was Hope's choice and the girl wanted hope to be happy.

The End

The only thing I know is that I have destroyed my life by hurting the people I love. In the decisions I have made pushed everybody away and in the end I regretted what I have done and i don't want to believe they are all gone but I need to wake up and see that it was my fault and I can't fix my mistakes now.