A/N: Yes… finally I'm posting it. Took me forever to get around to it! TT TTU

///~~~~The Kanda Genesis Theory~~~~\\\

(As recorded by Lavi Bookman, who may become the Dearly Deceased Lavi Bookman) (THERE'S NO "MAYBE" ABOUT IT!!! -Kanda)

Chapter one: Boredom

Kanda was bored.

Yes, Yu Kanda was actually bored. Not just "I'm the only person at HQ and I've run out of things to cut up" bored. More like "I'm bored outta my skull" bored.

When pushing Allen down a flight of stairs just to watch the baka usagi chase the sorry moyashi to attempt help doesn't keep Kanda entertained, you know something bad is going to happen. Run for cover now.

So, Kanda decided to make something. Yes, he had nothing better to do than that. Also, he didn't want to have another charge for murder on his already-too-big criminal record. He had suppressed any memories of the times when General Tiedoll had to come pick him up from the station. The tears… the tears…

And so, Kanda decided to make light.

Chapter two: Light

And so Kanda got work on creating light. It was a complex process, you know, you can't just flick a switch and boom there's light. Nope. Not if you're gonna do it the Kanda way.

First you have to make a list of the things you need:

1. Light-bulb

2. Matches

3. Baka usagi

4. Soba

5. Smiley faces

6.

Screw this. He could go on for days. And that was more boring than being bored. So, he moved onto just making the light.

People wondered exactly what was wrong with the young Japanese exorcist. This was not normal for him! It was the apocalypse! The apocalypse! Kanda was making something!!! The world was gonna blow up! Everything they had worked for, lost sleep over, lost limbs and lives over was going to be ruined because somebody was bored! Kanda was bored! Kanda was making something!!!!

So the Kanda Support Group went into action.

"This could be a good learning experience for my little Yu!" Tiedoll argued. "I've been trying to teach him this lesson for years, and now he's going to experience it on his own, making it all the more valuable!"

"Yeah, and Kanda could turn over new-leaf!" Lenalee added, in her annoyingly whiney way.

"Exactly! Maybe he'll be more pleasant! You all want a more pleasant Yu, correct?" Tiedoll continued.

The congregation conferred and said no, they did not wish for a pleasant Kanda. His Gothishness made the family of the Black Order come full-circle. It balanced the overly-happy Lavi and smited the Emoness of Allen (AKA Emo King extraordinaire). (Author's Interruption: It also made the dream of Kanalee a reality~!)

Anyway, back to Kanda. He was getting annoyed. What was with this whole creating things and being hard?! He was also bored. Still. Maybe the un-bored-ness came after the goal had been achieved. So he kept on slaving away at Light.

Finally, finally Light was created.

And it was more boring than the process. Dammit. He was still bored and now annoyed with the cheerfulness of the whole thing! Gah! What did he have to do to not be bored?! Growling and completely ticked off, he prowled around until he came up with a better idea.

Kanda decided maybe making just one thing wasn't enough. So he made an executive decision.

Yu Kanda, making of Light, decided to make Darkness.

Chapter three: Darkness

Darkness was even harder than Light! Ugh! How hard did it have to be to not be bored?!

But he finally decided it was time to do something else. So Kanda decided to make things to make Light more appealing (which is harder than it sounds.)

Kanda thought about how to make it quicker. He'd get around to finishing darkness later.

So, darkness just kinda sat around near his bed. Lurking below where the sheets met the floor, hiding in corners, creeping around Komui's desk (it became a black hole after Komui got tired of getting out his frying pan to crush the darkness creeping across papers, because then he had to fix his broken desk and apologize repeatedly to Reever for getting coffee-hyped… it was a long and grueling process.) and jumping out from behind people or tapping their shoulders, causing mayhem of the worst kind. He also didn't watch it very carefully and Road Kamelot would repeatedly steal it just to see what she could do with it. Komui couldn't make Kanda listen to reason and just tie it up or simply get rid of it, because Kanda blamed Komui on getting in the middle of scientific exploration. Komui couldn't come up with a good response to that one. Shoot.

Kanda was slowly coming up with things to make Light better and less boring. So he put a one week time limit to make Light good before he simply ignored it (because a Kanda Cold-Shoulder would kill Allen if Allen weren't able to miraculously come back to life every time) and waited for it to go away, making his life a little less boring in between missions.

So on the first day he made dust and soot and chimneys and roofs and dogs and cats and frogs and soot (more soot) and tigers and jam and honey and lemons and blood (lots of blood) and socks and shoes and bagels and tea and shirts and finally said "That's enough for today, I'm tired and bored and want to watch moyashi fall down the stairs again". So all those things just kind of dispersed and went their separate ways.

On the second day he made apples and soot and frogs and smog and coffins and metal and diamonds and shiny things and beds and dust and soot (Author Interruption: let's count how many times soot comes up) and quilts and telephones and cats and rabbits and shoes and biscuits. And then he took a soba break (because he got hungry and bored with all the soot) and then kept on making things. There were more complaints.

"Kanda's wreaking havoc! I'm allergic to cats!" Johnny sneezed loudly.

"The tiger won't leave! And it's so dusty!"

"How many times has he made soot?!"

"Easy, easy, everybody calm down…" Tiedoll put both hands up and fervently hoped his status would make them pause in attempting to run him and Lenalee over. "Okay. Now, let's think for a second. Yu is new at this. He doesn't know how to do this kind of thing. Would you rather he be breaking things and pushing people down stairs…"

"Little late for that!" Allen called from the back.

"...That's not the point! But you all know what happens when Yu gets bored. Let him go with it. It'll all be resolved eventually."

"Yeah, probably with everything blowing up." Muttered a random Finder to another, who snorted.

While all this was happening, Darkness had roamed off was then poisoning all the food. Allen was in for it.

Chapter four: Lists

Day three. Kanda had gotten basically nowhere, and decided it was time to make a list…

He hadn't made one previously, so Kanda created lists. And pencils and soot.

His list looked something like this:

1. make lists

2. make pencils to write lists with

3. make some more soot, because it's easy and I feel like it

4. go alphabetically when making things

The first three were checked. Number four would be hard. So Kanda created protagonists. He put himself next to that blank for pictures in the dictionary. Kanda then exercised the ability to be a protagonist and ate some soba.

When he finally got bored enough to do something, he started to make things. He started with armadillos, allegory, apples, and avenues. He got bored of a and moved onto b. he came up with bandages, balance, blades… c. moving onto c. He got camping, che, and chasms. Then he got bored and ripped one after the other off. Dragons, drabble, elephants, epic… blah. Screw this. He gave up and decided to continue tomorrow.

Chapter five: the end

Kanda had slept through half the week and gave up on everything else. Somebody else could make this stuff.

He decided he may as well finish up Darkness.

Kanda fixed up the few issues and made Nighttime (so that Darkness wouldn't get lonely) and set the two loose. They wreaked havoc in their odd little way.

And then the threesome was bored again. So darkness and Nighttime set up a schedule and Kanda became a full-time protagonist.

And all was well.

Chapter six: Kanda's rant

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! BAKA USAGI! I'LL EAT YOU!!!

///~~~~-----~~~~\\\

A/N: Yeah, so I finally got it down. I take requests and ideas (please send me a private message, thnx.). There will be a section every chapter or two called "Surviving the World- for Dummies" which is a commentary by Tyki. Please enjoy.