Summary: Shepard just wanted it all to stop; the constant what-ifs, the nightmares of all the loss and bloodshed. So when blowing off steam turns into something deeper, how will Shepard deal with it all? [Rated T for Language, maybe a few suggestive themes and sensitive materials.] ShepardxGarrus

A/N: First Mass Effect Fiction. Do not own anything. You get it. I'm just playing with my Shepard's history. [Colonist/Sole Survivor] and Garrus' romance. It takes place after the collector base and Arrival - when Shepard is going to Earth to turn herself in. FEM SHEP!

EDIT: Fixed a few errors here and there, thanks to my brother reading it over.

EDIt2: Thank you The Dandy Lion, for pointing out a few other errors. =3

Together

April 22, 2011

By: SilverShadow140

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Another nightmare.

Hazed blue eyes snapped open and the screaming began to vanish from the raven haired infiltrator's mind as she sat up, her chest heaving for breath. At first she had half expected to see a batarian standing over her, sneering down at her pale, human frame - but no batarian slaver met her; only the cool blue light of the aquarium with brightly coloured fish swimming around contently met her gaze in the silent room.

Letting out a deep sigh, Lavian Shepard slid a shaky hand through her black hair, her fingers playing with the ends that were only a few centimeters from her shoulder. Of course it was only a dream; nothing could harm her on the Normandy without her knowing ahead of time - no batarians, no thresher maws... But she was still shaken, a deep chill settled in her bones making her feel sick to her stomach. How unseemly of her; the first human Spectre, to be sick and frightened of a few bad dreams.

Not dreams, memories, She reminded herself as she slid out from under the covers, letting the cool air of the cabin to wash over her sweat covered skin. It felt wonderful; it made her remember that she wasn't there where the fires and the screaming and the monsters were. She was safe.

Safe but ashamed really. Back on her home world; back on Mindoir she remembered her friends and family calling her 'Leviathan'; a word for something big and fearless, but that wasn't true. She had been scared when the batarians attacked and killed everyone and everything she held dear. But she had moved on from that after the Alliance had saved her; eventually she had joined the Alliance and volunteered to go to Akuze. Only for another bloody scene to tarnish her memory and mind.

So she had vowed never to let herself be drawn close to anything again; she'd do everything she could to help others, but she wouldn't open up her insides ever again. She even shot Alenko down when he had openly flirted with her. All because she was afraid of getting hurt again. Though she should have been use to it by now; anytime anyone mentioned Mindoir or Akuze she always felt a pang of hurt in her chest. But she wouldn't show it.

Shepard was a model infiltrator, not letting anything bother her; taking every challenge with a stoic face.

Out in public at least. The moment she was alone during the nights she found it hard to hold that reputation. A few times she had considered going to Dr. Chakwas about her insomnia problems but didn't want the crew to notice anything strange. So she dealt with the consequences of commonly waking up sick to her stomach, or just waking up constantly during the night; it all depended on how bad the memories were.

And on top of it all now she had the stress of saving the whole galaxy.

Yes, she had defeated Saren, and yes, she had just recently defeated the collectors with no casualties, but the reapers were coming and she felt terribly, terribly afraid that she would fail everyone. Especially Garrus.

How she hadn't realized she had been opening up until it was too late. At first it was suppose to be 'blowing off steam', and now it was something more affectionate then that. Part of her was ecstatic about being able to have someone there for her, but Shepard had lost so much already that she was afraid of losing the one thing she came to love.

And Lavian knew that Garrus felt the same way; with so much already having gone wrong for him. They were so similar in that matter; with nothing to lose but each other, and it killed Shepard to know that one wrong move and everything would be gone, including herself. It was these thoughts that had made her consider breaking it off with the turian, but the 'what if everything turns out fine and you ditched him for no reason' kept stopping her from doing such.

Giving a sharp shake of her head, Lavian got to her feet, her pale skin only covered by her undergarments as she made her way past the fish tank and all the other assortment of things in her room to go into the bathroom, stripping down and flicking on a warm shower.

After five or so minutes, she turned off the taps, drying and dressing, before exiting her room and down the elevator into the Combat Information Center. She was greeted by the usual cheer of Kelly; just a simple 'no new messages', but it still reminded Shepard of how she had almost lost her crew - how close she had been to not ever hearing that from Kelly ever again. Lavian sucked in a sharp breath, forcing those thoughts from her mind. She hadn't lost anyone then so she wouldn't let herself think of the other possibility; instead she turned her attention to the Galaxy map, eyes focused on plotting a course to Earth.

So much had gone to hell; she had destroyed the collector base, and a mass relay, sending a big 'fuck-you' to the Illusive Man, and angering so many batarians, so she figured she'd let the go finish up what she had started and face anything thrown at her.

With the course set, Shepard was content just to go back up to her room when Kelly stopped her. "Commander, are you well? You seem paler then usual." The question was one that Shepard didn't mind, so Lavian turned back to Kelly, thankful for the concern but it wasn't something the infiltrator was use to.

"I'm fine Kelly... Really."

But Kelly looked unconvinced, her mouth pressing into a line as he brows creased in thought. "Perhaps, Commander, you're suffering from stress. In usual cases as such I'd suggest down time to relax. I'm sure the whole crew could use some considering..." Kelly had a point; Shepard knew that, but could they really spare time when they should be preparing for the reapers...? "If the crew were all overstressed, that could affect their performance on the field. I'm not suggesting a long term vacation but rather that we take our time reaching Earth." Lavian gave a small nod at the comment; Kelly was right. So the human Spectre turned with a small sigh, already going to figure out what to do with her 'relaxation' time. She slid into the elevator and up to her personal quarters, sitting at her private terminal, with nothing in mind.

Her thoughts wandered as she blankly stared at the ship models that she had collected. They had never had any particular to her, except maybe the one of the SR1 Normandy, but they made a good filler and distraction for those times when she wanted to relax and not think of those billions of lives needing to be saved. Lavian was unsure how long she had been staring, but her mind was snapped back to reality when the doors behind her slid open with a hiss, causing the commander to jump slightly, hand darting instinctively to the hidden pistol. Mid way her hand stopped when she recognized the click of turian feet against steel, and he glanced over her shoulder, strands of black hair tickling her cheek. Of course it was Garrus, still fully armored and looking as awkward as he usually was when he was in her cabin.

But seeing him brought a smile to her lips; even if it was an awkward relationship, it still brought her solace when she was mixed up. Garrus knew details here and there but he never tried to dig anything up or ask her; he was just there if she needed a shoulder or a hug. The turian was there for Shepard when she really needed him, and for that she was thankful. And because of that she was always worried when she took him on a mission with her; she recalled back when they took the fight to the collectors when he had gotten shot - the cold that had wafted over her until he shrugged it off. If Lavian lost him then she was sure she'd just snap like an over stretched rubber band.

Garrus set a hand on her shoulder, looking down to her as she looked up to meet his gaze, taking in the scars on his right side and the glowing blue of the visor on the left. Sure Lavian had never been one for scars on men but it seemingly just worked with Garrus; it was like a reminder that he had been through hell and back and was still standing. Just like her before the Illusive Man had patched her up, getting rid of the scars from Akuze and Mindoir.

That didn't matter now though; all that mattered was why was here right now. "Garrus...?" She could guess a few things, but could never exactly guess what the turian was thinking; she just couldn't catch what thoughts rolled through his eyes. But by the way his mandibles flexed slightly in almost a helpless manner, the commander could tell that he was here for her.

Evidently Kelly had told him of Shepard's distress, and the ex C-sec officer just wanted to comfort his... lover?

Was that right?

Either way it felt right, and the tired commander was willing to settle with that – after all it was true... ish. They were together yes, and hell, Shepard did love the turian, but they had never told each other and Lavian wasn't sure now was the time; not when so much depended on them holding strong.

Giving a small inward sigh, the Spectre rested her head on Garrus' arm, blue eyes slipping closed as she practically drank in the calm atmosphere and warmth that the turian sniper gave off. This was tearing her apart, and Garrus was the tape that kept her from falling to pieces at the seems, but could it last? What if the turian did die during the reaper invasion? What if-

"Lavian."

Her name – he spoke her name only when they were alone, and she had always loved the way it sounded coming from his mouth. It sounded foreign because of the way the turian's voices fluxed, but it also reminded her that she wasn't in this all alone. But that was partially what scarred her. She had grown use to the death on the battle field, but the woman in her didn't want to see Garrus leave her side, even for an instant. But the warrior was the one to always win because it was for the good of the galaxy. So was it wrong to want to make one terribly selfish request?

Shepard's blue eyes slid open as Garrus pulled her up to him so he could hold her, letting her head rest against his shoulder as his covered talons gently stroked her fine black hair. For the first time in a very long time, the commander could feel tears welling up in her eyes, and the burning behind her nose told her that these were tears that needed to fall. And so they did, sliding silently down her cheeks as she tried her hardest to keep her voice even and flat. "Garrus... promise me that you won't leave my side. Ever. Please..."

It was very unlike and unbecoming of her to resort to that small plea that her voice fell to, and perhaps it drew her partner to pull away slightly, his eyes over looking her face as she casted her eyes elsewhere in shame.

"Lavian," Garrus' voice was firm, but oddly soothing to the near-hysterics commander. "I told you that I'd go to hell and back for you, and I meant it. Just because you made a few sacrifices – a few necessary sacrifices, doesn't mean that I'd just back out of it all right now."

Yes, his words made her feel better, but the tears still flowed as he gently set a hand on that scar that spanned the right side of his face. It was a common gesture that she used when comforting him, but now she was using it to remind herself that he had survived a lot; they would survive this together, but only if they all worked together.

And then Lavian froze, feeling his talon gently glide across the side of her face – from the top of her cheek up to the top of her brow. In that instance Shepard knew that Garrus was tracing what would have been her most prominent scar from Akuze – one that he had remembered through all this time.

A smile cracked her lip as she looked up to her turian partner, his eyes caring as they slowly pressed forehead. Yes, this was how they would survive – together.

~Owari