Return of the Death Star

by QUACK Inc

Luke Skywalker, desperate to defeat the Empire once and for all, teams up with his father Darth Vader to kill the master behind the evil plans: Emperor Palpatine. Will this unlikely partnership be successful? Meanwhile, the Rebels make another attempt at destroying the Death Star, but will they resist the temptation and destroy the blasted thing? Or will desire conquer all?

"There is still ice cream in here," Luke Skywalker remarked, looking around the Death Star 2.0, "I feel it."

Darth Vader looked guilty. "I know, son, but it's strictly for work. My boss is really cracking down. It's nothing but work, work, work! I want to go home, take it easy, do some fishing, but noo, he says, we have to make more ice cream, we have to kill the Rebels-"

"But Dad, I'm a Rebel."

"Aha. You see the problem."

"Yeah. Not good. Can't you just quit your job?"

Darth Vader looked incredulous. "Quit my job! Emperor Palpatine would have my head! Don't you know what happens to officers who fail to do their jobs?!"

Luke pretended to think. "Hmm...you Force-choke them?"

"Worse than that!" Vader was panicking. "He'll put me on a sugar-free diet!"

"Yeah, chill out. Let's think this through, now."

"Think it through! Skywalkers do not think things through! Although… that is how we got into this mess in the first place."

"Right. So how about you join me, and we can defeat the Emperor and rule the galaxy as father and son, and, y'know, junk like that."

Darth Vader slowed his breathing so that he sounded less like a winded elephant and more like an asthmatic hippo. "All right, son. Let's cook up a plan."

Luke's eyes lit up. "I love insane plans."

"Darth Vader. A pleasure, as always. "The Emperor croaked. "And who have we here?"

"Well, you see, sir, Captain Vermeers said it was Take-Your-Son-To-Work Day. This is my son Luke. He wants to join the Dark Side."

"Hey!" Luke protested. "Dad, you made me come here! I'm not joining the Dark Side!"

"But Luke, doesn't every boy want to grow up to be a Sith Lord?"

"No! I want to be a Jedi!"

Vader shrugged hopelessly. "Kids these days. You see, Emperor? What l have to deal with?"

"You're not getting your boss to nag me too! I want to be a Jedi!" Luke shouted, flipping on his lightsaber.

Darth Vader took out his as well. "OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT!"

They began to duel.

"Join the Dark Side!"

"NEVER!"

"We have ice cream!"

"NICE TRY!"

Lightsabers whirled and clashed as the Emperor watched. "Good, good!"

Luke winked at his father. "You're doing great!"

"Think he's buying it?" Vader asked with a smile in his voice.

Though Princess Leia has not been trained in the ways of the Force, she can feel the mass of cold, sugary cream contained in the Death Star that hung overhead. It was a dark force, even more overwhelming than Death Star 1.0.

"That thing is full of ice cream…" she murmured dreamily. "We should go there."

Han started. "Ice cream! No thanks! I've had enough frozen goods to last me a while, thanks (See The Death Star: A Twisted Sequel). My buddy Lando will invade that thing."

Lando looked more than eager to do the job. "Yes, sir!"

Han raised an eyebrow. "Remember: It's a quick job; blow it up ASAP. NO eating the ice cream!"

"Aw," Lando complained. "Then why can't Skywalker do it? He likes to blow stuff up."

"He's...um...a little busy right now."

Despite being in a space station filled with ice cream, Luke was not enjoying himself. Far from it. He writhed in pain on the ground as they executed the next stage of their Insane Plan, which unfortunately, involved Emperor Palpatine blasting him with Sith lightning.

"Ok Dad, a little help here? Throw him over the edge already!"

"No."

"What's taking so long?!"

"Not yet, son."

"Why not?! It's time!"

"No. Not yet."

"Now?"

"Patience! He has to be convinced that he's won before we can catch him off-guard!"

"Oh, sure! Sure, I'll just hang around until he lets his guard down! I'll just be having a nice massage! Come on, I'm dying over here!"

"Ok, ok," Vader grumbled. "There's no need to be so dramatic. I'm on it, I'm coming."

He stormed over to the Emperor.

"Surprise, Boss!"

Palpatine looked up, confused. "Eh?"

He realized what was happening too late. Vader tossed him over his shoulder, strode over to the pit overlooking the massive pile of ice cream, and swung him in.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" The Emperor cried as he fell. "I mean, AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!-"

THUMP.

He landed in the ice cream and instantly froze. Luke and Vader cheered.

"Frozen Emperor for dessert!"

And where were the rebels this whole time? Where was Lando? He was piloting the shuttle into the heart of the Death Star as fast as he could. There was an important task to be done. A freezing wind blasting through the cockpit told him that he'd arrived at the ice cream vat. The shuttle screeched to a halt and the whole crew clambered out, ran to the ice cream, and began stuffing their faces.

"Hurry!" Lando urged. "We only have a few minutes 'till this thing blows!"

THE END