The first time I found out I was in love with a girl was when I was seventeen years old. I knew I've been a lesbian since I was twelve and news spreads around fast in school. Most people treated me exactly the same because there were tons of homosexuals, but they couldn't express it like I could. It was right after spring break I met her.

Because we had such a big school, I didn't know half of the people in my grade and that included her. She was definitely one of those well-known people, or popular rather, except I didn't know her and I really regretted that. If I wasn't so reserved and closed, I probably would've dated her earlier.

She knew me though. She knew my name since the day we stepped into the same classroom in kindergarten. Strange, isn't it? Someone who is expected to stalk everyone in school because she didn't have a life barely knows anyone in our grade and the queen bee who is supposed to be stuck up knows the least popular, nerdy girl.

It took me seventeen years for me to actually notice her. When I was twelve and told one of the people in my grade that I was a lesbian, the news went around the school fast. She told me that was also when she began to notice me more. She followed me to my classrooms, even though she wasn't in any of my classes. She was an overachiever while I was the average loser.

Coming close to the present day of when I was a senior, after spring break, was when she talked to me and I was sitting alone at a table in our crowded cafeteria. She introduced herself saying, "Hi, I'm Alex," I looked back up and saw she had her hand out and I grabbed it and said,

"Mitchie,"

"Oh cool. Anyways, I couldn't help but notice when you won that contest for writing the best essay. Are you in AP English?"

"Yeah, are you?"

"Yeah and I entered the contest, as well, but I came in third. Didn't you notice?"

"No, I came in late, sorry,"

"No problem. Anyways, I just wanted to congratulate you on your job well done,"

"Um, thanks," I smiled. She smiled back and walked away to her table.

I think about two days later, she talked to me again, but this time she looked kind of in need. It was during gym class and I pretended I needed to go to the bathroom. I guess Alex needed to go, as well because she left right after I did. Instead, she dragged me into a corner of the hallway near a staircase that led to the boy's locker room and told me something I never expected in my life. She said, "You told everyone that you were a lesbian in seventh grade, right?"

"Yeah," I shrugged,

"Well, I have to tell you something," she placed her hands behind her neck. I waited for her to talk,

"What is it?"

"Mitchie, in case if you haven't notice, I've been keeping an eye on you for the past few years,"

"Um-,"

"And I just wanted to say that I've been in love with you since the day you said you were fond of girls,"
"Alex-,"

"Please, don't think of me as a stalker. It's just… I've been somewhat protective of you,"

"What do you mean?"

"When you came out with your secret, it would've not been surprising if everyone began to pick on you,"

"No one has ever picked on me. They've ignored me, but that's pretty much it,"

"Well, I told my friends to not pick on you and they usually listen to me,"

"I um, don't know what to say. I guess thanks,"

"Yeah…no problem,"

"So, you love me?"

"Yeah, I do,"

"Do you want to kiss? I don't know if I have the same feeling towards you,"

"Yeah, we can kiss," she smiled with joy. She leaned in and our lips pressed against each other. I guess the friction between our lips made our lips hot. Luckily, no one was in the hallway because right after the kiss we had a heartbreaking conversation:

"That was…wow," my knees were wobbly,

"Yeah, I know,"

"So, now what?"

"I don't know,"

"Do you think we should tell people we kissed?"

"No!" Alex quickly answered without hesitation. I looked at her weird and asked,

"Why not?"

"Because I'm scared what might happen if I tell people that I don't like boys,"

"Well, everyone knows that I am a lesbian, but they've all treated me the same,"

"No offense, that's because I actually have friends and they look at me on what I wear or how I look and I don't think they'll take it well when I tell them that I kissed a girl," her voice was shaking. I just stared at her and said,

"Love is something you can't hide. You either have to face it sooner, or later,"

"Mitchie, I can't have people judging me everywhere I go," tears flowed down her face. I looked down and shook my head. I said in a harsh tone,

"You're a coward,"

"Excuse me?"

"Alex, you're like the rest. I know people in this school who are like us. They just can't express it to other people. I can see it because I am that kind of person. Those people are cowards!"

"They're not cowards. Maybe they're just confused,"

"People who are confused are insecure and people who are insecure means that they're scared and people who are scared can't even see the fact that they're HOMOS!"

"But I know that I am one,"

"So, if you are one, why don't you just tell them? Tell your friends,"

"Didn't you hear me from before? The only reason why they don't pick on you is because I told them not to,"

"Well if they were your real friends, they would accept the way you are, whether you're straight or not,"

"You don't understand, do you? I have a reputation,"

"And I don't?"

"No, you don't have to tell people you've known for a long time. I actually have to struggle through that,"

"Are you saying that I don't have friends?"

"Well, I see you sit at an empty lunch table everyday," She scoffed. I was becoming defensive,

"I have friends in a different state and they are perfectly happy of who I am," she just stood there, thinking of an explanation. I stood there smirking until I wiped it off saying,

"Come back to me when you're ready to tell the school. If you don't I'll tell everyone at the end of the year," with that, I walked back to gym class, leaving Alex all by herself.

April was the month that every senior got their college letter. I only applied for one college and that was Sarah Lawrence College in New York. I lived in Texas, so it was definitely going to be a long ride because, I got in! I heard they were a good liberal arts school. Usually I don't express my happiness, but I did a happy dance in the auditorium, where I sang and acted.

I stopped when I heard very light footsteps from outside the auditorium. No one was supposed to be in here because this was the time where no one had free except for me. I froze and waited for the person to come in and they finally did. It was a slow entrance and I waited for about fifty seconds for them. The sun light from the lobby showed only the shadow of the figure, so it was hard to see the face. It was certainly a girl because no boy would strut like she did. As she got closer, I figured out it was Alex. I blinked once and asked, "Alex, what are you doing here?"

"Well, there were footsteps from the lobby,"

"What are you doing in the lobby? I didn't know you did any performing arts,"

"I knew you'd be in here," Alex quietly mumbled,

"What do you want?" I sat down,

"I just wanted to know if you got accepted to your dream college,"

"Yeah…Sarah Lawrence,"

"Never heard of it,"

"It's in New York,"

"So it's far from here,"

"Yeah," I looked down, "So, what college did you get into?"

"Stanford, Yale, and U Penn,"

"Wow, Ivy leagues, as well. I'm officially jealous,"

"Ha,"

"You have always been the overachiever. I'm guessing you're going to be the first female valedictorian?"

"Yep,"

"Congrats,"

"Thanks," there was that awkward silence everyone hated. I picked up the conversation again,

"So have you decided which one you want to go to?"

"Yale,"

"Oh, that's in Connecticut, that's pretty close to New York,"

"Yeah, it is,"

"Is there a specific reason why you want to go there?"

"It's a comfortable campus for me, I guess,"

"Oh cool," I nodded. She came up onto the stage and sat next to me near the edge and continued her reason,

"I also just picked it a few minutes ago right after you told me you were going to New York. Yale is the shortest distance from New York than any of the other colleges I got into,"

"So you're saying-,"

"Yeah, I chose Yale just to be close to you," she smiled. I smiled, but then I realized that I was still mad with her and my smiled dropped and she noticed,

"Look, I have to go,"

"Mitch-,"

"No, Alex. If you're not going to say anything, then we obviously have no reason to be together," I turned my back but I could sense that she was feeling disappointment, but most of all, heartbreak. I couldn't turn back because I couldn't stare into her eyes, which were probably felt with sadness and resentment at the same time. I closed the auditorium door behind me. I didn't cry, but I was feeling the same way as Alex.

It had been a month, therefore, it's May. Alex found herself a boyfriend. When I saw them link arms, I felt angry. Not only because she was trying to forget about me with some guy, but because she was still a coward. Why on earth couldn't she come out like I did? I understand that people's personalities are different, but in order to live, secrets or hiding wasn't going to keep a person alive.

There was a time in a hallway and I passed them. I stuck out my foot and tripped the hot stud that I hated. He almost fell on his face, but he caught his balance and turned to face me. Call me hypocritical, but I scared. I guess calling other people cowards wasn't right of me to say. He came towards me and asked, "Did you trip me?"

"Um, yeah,"

"Why did you trip me?" He was definitely not happy. I looked back at Alex and she was just staring at me with an expression that was hard to determine whether or not she was on my side or his. I looked back at him and said,

"Sorry, I did it by accident,"

"Well don't let it happen again!" He turned around and walked back to Alex. Alex took her eyes off of me and put her arms around that jerk's waist. I stood there in disgust because she was obviously trying to get me jealous. I know it sounds like I'm flattering myself, but it's the truth.

Prom was every girls dream. It was a girl's dream to find a handsome guy and let them take her to the prom. Well, that wasn't my dream. I like to think realistically and to be realistic I don't think I'll ever find a guy to go on a date with. I don't think I'll even find a girl, either. Alex was obviously going with her boyfriend, who should still remain nameless because that's how much I hate him. I told my mom that I didn't want to go, but she insisted because it was my one and only prom, unless if I decide to become a chaperone at the dance.

All of the girls were wearing their expensive dresses and their hair were well-done. Not meat well-done, but looked really good. I went to a barbershop to get my hair done as well, but not to a point where I couldn't even touch it otherwise it would fall. My mom gave me her old dress from when she went to prom. I was reluctant to where it because then I would just make a fool of myself, but then I realize, I've already done that in seventh grade.

As I expected, the prom was boring as hell. I sat a table by myself, looking at the others as they were having the time of their lives. I spotted Alex dancing with her boyfriend. When I caught sight of her, I honestly couldn't stop looking. Her hair was put up into a perfect bun and she left her bangs curly. Her dress was magnificently sparkly and blue. There were actually a lot more girls who looked as stunning, but she certainly took my breath away.

When the prom was finally over, I ran out of the gym and got into my mom's car. Did I mention that I was the only senior who didn't have a car? Yeah, and that's because my mom got all freaked out when we went to a faculty meeting about drunk driving. It wasn't that she didn't trust, she just didn't want to see me fall under the influence. Really, I couldn't care less.

I took off my dress and stared at it. It was just white and it wasn't sparkling. It was not strapless, and there was no curvy design. It was dull, just like me. I sat on my bed thinking about who knows what. I didn't even know what I was thinking about. As I was just about to lie down, the phone rang. I cursed under my breath and picked up the phone yelling to my mom, who was downstairs while I was upstairs, "Got it!" I answered with a grumpy, "Hello?"

"Someone's a little irritable,"

"Alex, how the hell did you get my number?"

"It's in the school directory,"

"Oh yeah," I murmured through the phone, thinking myself as a great dumb butt. I continued, "What do you want, Alex? I was just about to go to bed,"

"It's only eleven,"

"What's your point?"

"It's Friday for heaven's sake! Live a little, you just got back from prom and I saw you there,"

"You did?"

"Yep, you kept looking at me like I was some sort of goddess from the planet beautiful,"

"I only stared at you when you weren't looking at me and dancing with your boyfriend,"

"I knew you were staring at me because I have good peripheral vision,"

"I'm sure you do," I slightly amused, "Seriously, why'd you call?"

"I wanted to talk to you about what happened in the hallway,"

"Alex, didn't you hear me? It was an accident,"

"No it wasn't. You were jealous of me being with a guy and now you really hate him,"

"The second part is true, but the first part…I think you need to reconsider,"

"Yeah right, you kept giving us death glances at us when we held hands,"

"Fine I did," I sighed, "Why'd you do it," there was silence for a while. I put my hand to my forehead, "Come on, I need an answer so I can to sleep,"

"The reason I got a boyfriend was to see your reaction. And now I know," she laughed, "You're a jealous bitch,"

"I am not a bitch!"

"Yeah you are,"

"You know what? I'm not going to argue, good night," I sternly said,

"You know you love me,"

"Shut up Alex, I'll see you on Monday," I hung up and smiled.

From that point on, Alex and I had been talking to each other more lately. Her boyfriend didn't really approve, but who the hell cared? Every single week, we'd go to Starbucks and get coffee and talk. I still didn't accept the fact that we were going out secretly. We'd continuously argue, but then make up. It pissed me off really. I need to talk to her and set the record straight. It was a week before graduation and I was sitting at Starbucks. I stared out the window, looking for Alex, who was five minutes late. She came through the door and apologized, "Sorry I'm late,"

"Yeah, never mind that, look, we have to talk about something,"

"Sure, what is it?" She said as she placed her backpack on the floor,

"Alex, have you been noticing that we constantly fight about our relationship?"

"Yes I have,"

"I think if we are going to keep a healthy relationship, we really need to say something to the public,"

"Damn it, Mitchie, I'm not going to talk about this," She turned away,

"No, seriously, Alex, we can't keep this in hiding. We'll never pull this through. After August, we're already in different places and I think we should tell everyone,"

"No, Mitchie, don't do this,"

"Please, we have to. If I don't, I'll explode,"

"What about me?" She screamed, "Mitchie, the world isn't going to accept us. If I tell everyone who I really am, they'll start judging me,"

"So what? People who do that are narrow minded!" I began to shake from the release of my emotion, "Alex, if you can't even tell anyone at a high school that you're a lesbian, there is no way you'll survive in college," I sat up and exited the café. I looked back and saw her just sitting there with her eyes gazing at my seat which I sat in. I sighed and walked back home, moping.

Graduation was every senior's emotional time for the year, even the boys. I learned that Alex had broken up with her boyfriend because they were arguing about their long distance relationship. He wanted Alex to stay in Texas because he was going to a community college while she said that it was her dream to go to Yale. Unfortunately, she never lived to see that day.

We were all in our graduation gowns. The hat was a little tight on everyone because someone messed up the orders and the hats came in all wrong. Anyways, Alex was wearing her valedictorian outfit. Even wearing a nerdy outfit made her look hot. All of the seniors were by the gym, talking and telling each other how much they were going to miss this place. I sat on the curb thinking about my future and what would happen if I actually did marry a woman. I looked around to see where Alex was. She was nowhere in sight. Luckily, we had an hour before the ceremony started. I stood up and walked through the people, searching for Alex. The gym was near the lobby, so I walked there to see if Alex was there. Nothing. I spun in circles and even looked up to see if she was on the roof. I heard a voice that sounded unsteady, "Looking for me?" I turned around and saw Alex. She was abnormally pale. I walked up to her saying,

"What are you doing? You need to get over there. You're a valedictorian for fuck sakes!"

"Don't curse," she sighed and placed her hands on her head like she had a headache. She kept shutting her eyes then opening them and rolling them. I looked at her uncertainly,

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just nervous," she weakly said. She began to sweat and breathe hard. I held her hand,

"Alex, do you want to sit down?"

"Okay," we walked over to some steps. I patted her back as she coughed. When she eased down I stared straight ahead to the parking lot. I knew she was staring at me, "Mitchie," I sighed,

"God, Alex," I stood up and went near a railing and grabbed it. I felt her coming towards me and placed her hands on my shoulders. She spun me around and kissed me. I kissed back for a minute, but then I pulled back, "Alex, don't, we're going to be graduating in a couple of hours," I was about to walk away before she pulled me back,

"No, don't go. I need you," she whispered. It sounded as if she lost her breath,

"Alex, we're going under the tent in about ten minutes, we have to,"

"Just-,"

"Seriously Alex," I interrupted her grabbed her hands. We made our way to the rest of the group. As we entered the hug tent on the field, we heard the pomp and circumstance song playing and everyone was clapping. It felt like after a Broadway musical, everyone one was giving a standing ovation. Alex was behind me the whole time and she kept placing her hands on my back, subtly, so no one would see. Finally sitting down at my seat, the principal came up to the podium and began his boring speech. I just sat there, not listening but playing with my hair. I should've been listening because I was never going to graduate high school again.

It took an hour for every single person to make their speech before Alex could. When they called Alex's name, she jumped. I guess she was bored because she was caught off guard, as well. Her walk up to the podium wasn't too smooth. She almost tripped over her feet as she walked up the steps. From behind I heard a, "Yeah Alex!" It was probably her family. Alex smiled and began, "I'd like to say that I am actually the first girl to be valedictorian," everyone cheered, no surprise there, "There are a lot of things I'd like to say, but I think I'm going to make it short," I was surprised. Alex always talked a lot, why did she choose now to be concise? "This graduating class is very close to me," she gulped and wiped away a sweat, "From kindergarten," she stopped, but continued, "I've seen everyone grow up to be extraordinary people. Each having unique-," she stopped again, leaving everyone confused. I was confused as well, she always talked so smoothly. What was wrong with her? I kept asking myself. She managed to continue, "Unique talents and-," she placed her hand on her head. I turned around to see her family. They all looked pretty worried. I looked back at Alex, who was breathing hard into the microphone, "Um, and I also have to say that…uh….I also found love in my senior year," everyone laughed, releasing the tension from when she was stumbling in her own words, "I just wanted to say that I'm not what everyone thinks I am. I had someone tell me that love is something that is impossible to hide. Whether that was a girl or a boy," the crowd was bewildered again, "You see, I actually fell in love-," she stopped and coughed violently. The seniors surrounding were mumbling asking whether she was okay or not. The coughing stopped and Alex stared at the audience, who were looking at her. She found me in the crowd and just stared at me. I stared at her back with intense eyes. I was the last thing she saw, before collapsing onto the floor. I heard gasps and "oh my gods" from the audience. The principal said,

"Everyone, stay where you are," since I was the rebellious one, I did the total opposite. I ran up to stage with her family. There she was lying unconscious. Her mother was crying out her name while touching her face. I stood there with other seniors who didn't follow the principal's direction. It was that night that Alex was pronounced dead.

The people on the ambulance found poison in one of her shoe. I was stunned when they told us that on the announcements. It was suicide. People in town were talking about her death and were asking why she would do such a thing. She was a perfect student and the prettiest girl, which was why she was named homecoming queen. I knew why.

It was my fault. I told her that college wasn't going to be easy if she didn't tell everyone who she really was. Not only that, she couldn't stand being judged. Since she was not used to being criticized, she could take the judgments of other people personally. She's grown up having a perfect life. She was rich, charming, beautiful and smart. She participated in everything in order to get into a good college, which she now couldn't do.

The funeral was the most depressing point of my life. I've been through depressing things, but this was just horrid. After the burial, her mother came up to me and said, "I knew she loved you," I looked up,

"You knew?"

"Yes, I was the very few people she told,"

"Who else did she tell?"

"Her father, as well. She didn't tell her brothers though because she thinks that your generation will never understand,"

"I'm sorry. This is fault,"

"No it's not. It's the people who aren't like you. They don't know how much in love you guys were,"
"I never showed my love,"

"Yes you did, you guys constantly fought, that's all," she was right, we had been expressing our love and it people were certainly now open minded. It's a shame to see these kinds of people be so judgmental. It's because of us that Alex is dead. She couldn't handle the pressure.