The adventures of an asshole: Naruto

Chapter 1

Before all this happened I was just an ordinary everyday asshole. But you don't want to hear about that do you, no you want to be entertained because just like me and everyone else out there you are an asshole, you just don't want to admit it. Very well asshole I will tell you a story, it is about your ordinary everyday asshole (me) dying and getting reborn into a world, a world you and I know very well. The world of Sasuke …. I mean Naruto.

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I was your above average guy before this happened you don't need to know how I looked because it won't matter long anyway. I was just walking through the streets during a big ass storm to buy some cigs as I was running low and could not be fucked waiting till later to get some. While I was walking I put my head down to stop the rain while lighting a smoke and that's when it happened, a bolt of lightning came down from the sky and hit my all metal lighter, just like that my mind went blank just before I blacked out.

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When I came to I was standing in a line with a bunch of other people all looking just as confused as me. I looked around a bit and saw that we were in a never ending white hallway and at the front of the line was a door with a sign above it saying 'reincarnation office'.

I just sat there staring at the door with a blank face realising that I had died. I pondered that I was dead and that I would never see my family and friends again and that I would never be able to actually do anything with my life and with that came just one though.

'Meh who fucking cares.' Ah the wonders of being a complete ass will you ever cease.

While I was having that internal monologue someone inside the office called out "next" and the guy at the front of the line went in. After seeing this I realised that there were twelve people in front of me, so being the kind, considerate person I am I waited there patiently for my turn. Yeah right, I quickly started pushing people out of the way soon making my way to the front, Luckily most of the others were still to disoriented to care or were actually happy it would be longer until their turn, well except for one.

"Hey what do you think you're doing get ba-AHK." A rather elderly man started to say from behind me before I elbowed him in the throat. What? He should mind his own damn business. While he was on the ground clutching at his throat the person inside called out next again and I happily went inside leaving the man on the ground.

As I went inside I took a quick glance around and saw a normal looking office with a wooden desk and a pretty advanced looking computer sitting on it. Behind the desk was an average looking guy with black hair and brown eyes in a business suit. The man motion at the seat in front of him for me to sit and I did so.

"Name and date of birth." The man said while staring at his computer.

"Scott ****** born 25th of September 1996." I replied wonder what he was going to do.

"Let's see here." He said typing what I can only assumed to be what I had just told him into the computer. "Okay looks like you died by lightning a painless death so no added reincarnation benefits and you were a complete selfish asshole and maybe a sociopath as well, Well looks like we got your reincarnation right here." He said turning the screen around to show me what it said.

I stared in total belief at what I got. Which was so eloquently written on the screen as and I quote 'Retarted war orphan in Africa.' Yeah well fuck that. As I put on a fake shocked face and saw the man smirk happily I did the only thing I could do. I kicked him in the balls under the table. While he hunched over in pain I ran around the table and repeatedly smashed his head into the table until he was unconscious.

After catching my breathe I walked over to the door and locked it just in case. Walking back to the desk I kicked him under the table and sat down in his awesomely comfy chair and looked at the screen while starting to go through the files. I was amazed any were and as anything you can imagine that was how expansive you could be reincarnated. I had just realised that asshole was the one that got to choose where I went and chose that on purpose, I gave him another kick for good measure.

I looked through the list wondering where I should go before realising that I was basically what every fan boy and girl wanted to be. A self-insert fuck yeah. I cracked my fingers before clicking the Naruto world and started thinking on who to be and had to make myself Gary stu as all fuck. What you thought I was going to work hard for my skills and become another run of the mill ninja, fuck no I'm an asshole remember now let's op this shit up.

Okay first was the world design which being the lazy shit I am just chose canon world where history before my arrival was normal and bijuu are actual chakra constructs and not stupid ass demon or yokai or whatever the hell their called. Okay now background and name well I need to be op along with having strong protection before I achieve Gary Stu ness which means strong parents and as many bloodlines as I can get.

Hmm okay I got this my first name is Zero because I'm that fucking original and my last names yes names will be Uchiha Senju and I'm the son of Tsunade and a random returning from mission Uchiha who on his way returning from said mission decided to get drunk in a local bar and ran into an equally drunk Tsunade and they spent the night drunkenly fucking. In the next morning he would fuck off never knowing of his son and eventually dying in the Uchiha massacre, meanwhile Tsunade will only remember having sex and not with whom and will not have it in her to kill the unborn child. In nine months one month before Naruto is born I shall be born in all my magnificent glory with pale white skin even whiter hair and a pair of 3 tome Sharingan staring coolly at Shizune who delivered me.

I will have perfect chakra control and kage level reserves edidic memory super genius intellect superb body structure and will naturally unlock the EMS, Rinnegan and wood style because of my Senju, Uchiha and Uzumaki genes mixing perfectly. That reminds me better set language to English because fuck learning a new one.

I laugh evilly as I push the accept button before slowly fading out of view. When I am gone the man I knocked out earlier gets up looking perfectly fine and dust down his suit.

"Keep me entertained ill you." God chuckles lightly while wonder how many times people will fall for the same trick he has used hundreds of times before. Why because just like me and you god is an asshole to.

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"AHHHHHHH" Tsunade screamed as she sat on a bed in a the clinic of the town she was in while Shizune sat at the end of the bed trying to coax her to keep pushing as she could see the head of the baby coming.

"Shut up Shizune and just get the damn thing out." Tsunade screamed while pushing as hard as she could to get the baby out.

A few minutes later and she had finally pushed the baby out and was in the bed recovering. After three minutes and not getting her baby or hearing any crying she looked over to Shizune and saw her holding a blanket which she assumed had her child in it while gaping like a fish.

"Shizune stop gaping like an idiot and give me my baby!" Tsunade yelled and saw Shizune snap out of her trance and shakily walking over with the baby. Tsunade did not know while she was acting this way but found out when she was passed her baby.

Looking down she saw spiked white hair and immediately got pissed thinking that Jiraiya had taken advantage of her while drunk and she had his baby, those thoughts completely self-destructed when she looked down past snow white skin and saw a pair of fully mature sharingan staring back at her coolly. She was shocked to say the least.

"So his father was an Uchiha." Tsunade said emotionlessly slightly scaring Shizune knowing the rivalry between the clans and hoping she didn't do anything to drastic.

"Um Tsunade-sama what are you going to do with him?" Shizune asked hoping it would not be anything bad.

Tsunade looked at her like she was an idiot and replied "I'm going to raise him of course Shizune he is my son no matter who the father is." She said while looking down at me lovingly with Shizune sagging in relief before saying.

"Yes of course Tsunade-sama but what about his name and there is also the fact that well um HE IS A NEWBORN WITH A FULLY ACTIVE SHARINGAN!" Shizune yelled at the end while looking at the baby.

"Yes he does 'sigh' I was hoping not to but it looks like we will have to start his training early when he is able to stop him from hurting himself. As for his name how about Zero Senju it has a nice ring to it and just like his name his enemy's will have nothing on him." She said smiling at the end while Shizune sweat-dropped thinking it was a stupid name.

Meanwhile I was looking stoically on the outside while on the inside I was cackling evilly everything was going swimmingly soon I would become the most powerful Gary Stu to ever exist.

End chapter one