I was with EJ when the knock resounded through the house.
Edward had been gone for a year now. He had enlisted into the national guard, saying he wanted to help our country the way not many have the courage to do. He loved this country and he-he…
Anyways, I was sitting there, cooking for me and EJ and he was laughing in his high chair, playing with the toy Edward had bought him for his birthday. It was a russet brown color bear with a blue riddon on the front.
Edward Jacob was three years old. He had the mind of his father and my eyes. He was a very happy baby, not causing many problems for me when I was alone, which was most of the time. Its true that Edward had been away for a year but before he had been at training and all of that, so it had taken him awhile, almost four years.
Back to EJ though. He had his fathers hair, that he hated being touched. He loved his father with all he had. EJ had gotten boots and a camo outfit from Edwards parents the Christmas before Edward had left for Afghanistan. EJ loved wearing this outfit because he said he looked like 'daddy'.
"Baby, do you want macaroni or peas?" I repeated myself, running around the kitchen to put ice into his baby bowl. Pulling a spoon out to put it into whatever he said, I turned around and raised a questioning eyebrow.
"Boff'," he spat out before laughing again at his bear. I smiled and put a little peas and a little macaroni in a bowl. I had just given him his bottle and he was drinking away, ignoring his food for now. I grabbed my bowl of macaroni and was getting ready to sit down when…when there was a knock at the door.
"Coming," I yelled at the door, kissing EJ's forehead before walking down the hallway to the door.
Now that I think about it, it was a long walk. I could feel something in the pit of my stomach, telling me to turn around and grab EJ but I ignored it and kept walking. The back door was locked and all of the windows. Along with the basement door. So, whoever wanted EJ would have to come through me first. That was I was focused on when I opened the door to see a tall man in uniform, looking at me with misery in his eyes.
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to inform you…" that's all I heard before I put my hand over my mouth and reached out for the letter he extended towards me. I started sobbing uncontrollably, clutching at my chest before falling to the floor and curling into a ball. I could hear EJ calling my name but I just couldn't get up, I felt immobilized.
Miss. Isabella Marie Cullen, we are sorry to inform you that your husband, Mr. Edward Masen Cullen, has passed away while on a mission in southern Afghanistan…
I read it over, and over, and over again. Thinking that it would stop the aching in my chest.
Two years later and my heart still hurts.
The man in the uniform had bent down and crushed me to his broad chest, trying to sooth me.
"He died for something he loved, he died for you, and everything you were," the man said. I cried harder, starting to panick.
"No…no…NO! He cant leave me like this! He wouldn't! its not him, its not Edward! He loves me…he loves me…" I started crying harder and harder, pounding my fist into the man's chest. Eventually, the tears had subsided and I was just gingerly sobbing into this mans nice jacket. EJ was still crying and yelling for me. I picked myself off the ground and walk slowly into the kitchen, stopping in the doorway to stare at my sons tear stained face…
"Mommy, what's wrong?" I shook my head at him and walked over to pick him and his teddy out of the high chair. When I walked back down the hallway, EJ gripping at my shoulders, I had realized the door was closed and the only car in the driveway was mine. I started crying again and went into my room, cradling EJ to my chest.
I had slept and cried and gotten sick for about a week after that, never getting out of bed. Edward's mother eventually got the news and she immediately came over. She stayed for a while, taking care of EJ and…me.
When Edwards funeral came, I got out of bed, dressing in black and putting a veil over my face. When I looked in my mirror, I had realized that exactly two years ago, I was dressed in white. I started sobbing again, but soon sucked it up and started walking downstairs so I can get in the car and arrive to my husbands funeral.
"You okay, Bella?" Charlie asked, hugging me to his chest. I sighed into his embrace, shaking my head no and pulling out of it. I walked to the door and got into my car, pulling out the driveway, not thinking about EJ or anyone else, standing on my front porch with empathy on their faces.
When I walked into the church, I saw the casket and starting running. Everyone was looking at me but I was just looking at him…
He was there. In the casket. Dressed in black. Eyes closed and mouth shut, never to be opened again, never to look at me and give me that dazzling smile that always knocked the breath out of me. I fell to my knees, putting my head on the casket, and sobbing. Someone came up to me and picked me up, turning me so I was clutching them to my chest.
"It's okay…" he was hushing into my ear.
"No, it wont be okay, he's gone, he's laying there. Never to move again, and his son will never learn anything from him, and I'll never…I'll never…" I stopped crying and wiped the tears from my face. I turned around, ignoring my husbands pale face, and bent down to pick my flowers up. I turned around and sat in the front row, trying to recollect my self.
What felt like a few minutes, everyone was following my husbands casket down the narrow pathway to the doors of the church. The man that had given me the letter came up to me and handed me a folded up flag. I sighed, and hugged the flag to chest.
I somehow got into a car and got down to the graveyard. Everyone was letting me go to the front of everyone, but I didn't want to be up there. I didn't want to watch my husband go under ground, never to be seen again.
I was scared.
I was scared that I wouldn't remember him. The way his voice was the only thing to calm me down. The way he would caress my face, his kisses… I didn't want to forget anything, ever. I wanted to leave, I wanted to go with him…
When the casket lowered into the grave, I stayed. When they started to pile dirt onto my husbands coffin, I stayed. When Esme hugged me and tried to pull me away, I stayed. When the rain came down, I stayed.
When everyone else was gone, I stayed.
Eventually, I bent down and kissed the grave stone, apologizing again and again. Telling him that I loved him and that nothing would change that.
That was two years ago, nine months, and three weeks ago. EJ was now five, enrolled in school, and more like Edward than ever.
I still went out to the graveyard to talk to my husband but now, I didn't crumble into a ball. I just sat, and told him about EJ and everyone. How we were doing and how everyone missed him. How I missed him.
Esme and Carisle had bought me and EJ a shed and I have everything of Edward out there so I wont have to cry everywhere I go in my house. At first, I didn't touch anything, thinking that he would come home. But then I realized he never would…
So, I gingerly packed everything up and put it neatly into the garage, where me and EJ can go out and he can hear stories about his dad.
He still loves his father, almost as much as I do. I am happy though. I have friends to keep me occupied. Sure, the nights suck…when I have a full bed and I don't want to roll onto his side of it. I havent gotten over the little things but Sam is helping me through it, little by little.
Whose Sam, you ask? He was Edwards best friend. I hadn't met him, that's why I didn't know who he was when he gave me knocked at my door years ago.
He makes me smile when I want to cry. I know that Edward would be happy if I was, no matter who made me happy.
I still love Edward, more than anything. No one and nothing is going to change that. But maybe, one day, I can have some room for someone else…
Review, please. not beta'd, so all mistakes are mine. sorry about that.