Author's Note: So, as the summary states, this is a little collection of random Bleach oneshots I co-wrote with my sister, Princess Malika. And, if you're familiar with "Naruto Randomness," you'd know that this is a companion fic – only a Bleach version, of course! So if you're into Naruto, feel free that check it out on Princess Malika's profile. Anyway, just so you know, the following oneshots may contain violence, character deaths and bashing, suggestive themes, crude humor, and mild swearing. Enjoy the humor, the OOCness, and most of all, the randomness!
Disclaimer: We do not own Bleach or any of its characters in any way. All credit goes to the incredible geinus, Kubo Tite!
Crazy Love
One day, Ichigo pulled Renji aside after school, dragging him out into the hallway.
"Hey, what gives? What the hell is wrong with you, Ichigo?!"
"Just shut up, will you?" Ichigo demanded, and then carefully glanced around to see if anyone was nearby. "Look...I know this sounds stupid and outta nowhere, but I—"
"Hey, Ichigo!" Without warning, Rukia suddenly appeared next to them.
"Gah!" Ichigo immediately backed away from Renji and turned around to face his dark-haired companion. "Uh, Rukia...what are you doing here?"
Rukia just raised an eyebrow. "Well, it's after school," she said. "Shouldn't we be heading home now?"
Ichigo let out a nervous chuckle. "Hehe, yeah, right..." He turned to face Renji. "Er, 'tell you later, Renji..."
And so they walked off, leaving a very baffled Renji behind. He could only stare as the two of them walked away as a horrifying thought suddenly crossed his mind. Oh, crap! I don't believe it! I think Ichigo seriously likes me!
Renji shuddered at the thought, disgusted at the recently visible evidence before. I thought Ichigo liked Rukia, but suddenly pulling me into the hallway like that, talking to me in secret, the "sounds stupid and outta nowhere" statement, and then shutting up when Rukia appeared? He was coming out of the closet!
What's worse, Renji continued in thought, he was about to admit he likes me, even though he knows that I'm not gay! ...Unless he thought I was because I was treating him so differently from when we first met... Maybe I should stay away from him from now on, just so he won't get the wrong idea.
But before he gave that idea a chance, a new idea came to Renji.
Wait. What if Ichigo's only pretending he's gay, just so I'll do exactly what he wanted me to do, which is to stay away from him, thus staying away from Rukia, therefore him having more alone-time with her!
He gasped at the realization, then his eyes hardened in resolve. So, that's the way you want to play it, huh? Well, I'll play your game for now. I'll pretend to be gay, too. Let's see how you like that.
--
Meanwhile, walking down the hallways...
"So, Ichigo," Rukia began, staring up at him with her penetrating violet eyes. "You've been awfully quiet lately...is something bothering you?"
Ichigo froze. Oh, great. She's onto me! "No..." he hesitated. "What makes you say that?" He kept his eyes focused on the floor, careful not to make eye contact with her at all costs.
Rukia suddenly stopped walking, forcing Ichigo to turn around and face her. She now had her arms folded across her chest. "What?"
"What do you mean 'what'?" Rukia repeated. "Something's bothering you, Ichigo. I can tell, so don't even bother trying to hide it from me."
Ichigo could only stare at her in panic, sweat starting to drip from his face. What do I do? What do I do?! If I tell her...no, I can't tell her! There's absolutely no way I can tell her! He began to scratch the back of his head, a chronic habit he'd apparently developed around her. "Rukia, you know, you're not making this easy—"
"Hey, Ichigo! Rukia!"
They both turned to see none other than...
Renji, with a huge grin plastered across his face.
"Renji, what are you doing here?" Rukia asked.
Ichigo was just grateful for the interruption. Grateful, that is, until Renji suddenly slung his arm around his shoulder. "Hey, what are you—"
"Oh, just saying 'hi' to my good ol' buddy here!" Renji explained cheerfully, before glancing pointedly in Ichigo's direction. "Right, Ichigo? You know, you always get so lost without me!"
Ichigo could only gape at him in horror. "What? Are you crazy?!" He backed away in embarrassment, and quickly looked over in Rukia's direction.
"What the hell?!" was all she could say.
"Rukia! I can explain!" Ichigo pleaded, but was cut off by Renji.
"Too late, Ichigo! Just let it out! Tell her the truth!"
"What truth?" Rukia asked, growing more and more confused by the second.
Bewildered by Renji's wacko behavior as well, Ichigo asked him, "Yeah, what truth?"
Just what is Renji doing? Ichigo inwardly wondered, staring at Renji suspiciously. He's making it look like we're—
"Ichigo's gay!" Renji announced with a perky grin.
"WHAT?!?!?!" both Ichigo and Rukia exclaimed, except Ichigo was gaping at Renji and Rukia was gaping at Ichigo.
Renji went on as if the declaration was old news and, before either Rukia or Ichigo could speak, revealed, "And I'm sooo glad you told me that, Ichigo, because if you hadn't, I wouldn't be able to do this."
"Do—?" Ichigo began.
Only to be silence with a kiss on the lips by Renji!
Rukia could only hang her mouth open as Ichigo turned red-face and shoved Renji away.
After spitting everything out of his mouth and wiping his lips with his sleeve, Ichigo snapped, "What the heck did you do that for?!"
"I'm gay too!" Renji replied. "That's why I'm so glad that you—"
"I'm outta here," Rukia abruptly announced in a quiet tone before sprinting away.
"Rukia, wait—!" Ichigo began, his arm stretched out in an attempt to reach her.
Which he would've.
If he wasn't tripped by Renji.
"Renji..." Ichigo growled as he used both hands to push himself upwards before he stared at Renji with killer intent and barked, "I know you're not gay, so why the heck did you do that?"
It seemed that Renji returned to his old self. For instead of being the elastic grinning guy he was earlier, he was back to his serious, narrowed-eye frowning face.
"You started it," Renji accused with crossed arms. "You were the one that tried to trick me into thinking you were gay so that I would stay away from you so that you'd get more time alone with Rukia."
"What? I wasn't... where did you get...?"
"So I decided to pretend I was gay too."
"But now Rukia thinks we are gay! And we aren't!"
Renji nodded.
"But I thought you like Rukia!" His logic doesn't make sense. With Rukia thinking he's gay, how will he ever try to win her over?
"I do. That's why I decided that if I can't have her, neither can you."
Ichigo glared at him, a mixture of both surprise and anger. But mostly anger. "What did you say?"
"It's over, Ichigo," Renji said with an evil smirk. "It's obvious by now I can't get her. Not with you around, that is, I'll admit it. But if I can't, neither will you. And I'll make sure of that!"
Ichigo couldn't believe what Renji was saying. "So you would stoop to such a low level – even pretend we're both gay so neither of us can have her? Well, you're just SICK! I can't believe you'd be willing to do that!"
Renji scoffed. "That's not all I'm gonna do, Ichigo," he told him, reaching for his pocket and popping a soul candy into his mouth. Before Ichigo could do the same, Renji jumped into the air, raising his Zanpaktou for a killer strike. "Now Roar, Zabimaru!"
Ichigo barely dodged the blow at the last second, accidentally bumping into a wandering Orihime.
"Kurosaki-kun!"
"Hey, don't bump into me, woman!" he yelled, shoving her onto the floor. Ichigo then turned to Renji. "Are you crazy, Renji?! It's dangerous to go Shinigami in public!"
"Do you honestly think I care about that?!" Renji barked fiercely. "I'll kill anyone who stands in my way, so long as it means killing you!" He took another vicious swing, his snake-like Zanpaktou slicing through the air, aiming straight for Ichigo.
"Eep! Save me!" Ichigo shrieked, ducking behind Orihime.
Orihime blushed so hard because her beloved was cowering behind her while clutching her shoulders. "Oh, Kurosaki-kun!"
Too bad she didn't know he was using her as a shield.
Which, a few seconds later, fell into half a dozen sliced pieces.
"Whew," Ichigo said, wiping the sweat off his forehead with his arm as Renji scowled.
"I missed," Renji seethed, glowering at Ichigo. "But don't look relieved just yet. For you won't survive my next assault!"
He raised his Zanpaktou, ready to unleash his Zabimaru.
Only a blue arrow whizzed past Renji's wrist, creating a paper-cut like wound and sting, only much larger.
And since it was that wrist that was connected to the hand that wielded his Zanpaktou, Renji dropped Zabimaru, which reverted back to a regular Zanpaktou as soon as it hit the ground.
Clutching his wounded wrist, Renji locked eyes with the one who'd injured him. "Uryu..."
"That's right...Renji Abarai," Uryu stated coolly, flipping his indigo hair over his shoulder for dramatic emphasis. "Prepare to meet your match!"
Renji gritted his teeth in anger. "So what's this about? Helping Ichigo, I see? I thought you hated all Shinigami!"
"I do," Uryu reassured him. "It's just that..." His voice trailed off as he turned to lay his eyes on the bloody corpse beside him as his Quincy bow (A/N: we don't know what it's called XD) faded. "You killed my precious Orihime! A-And...!" His voice cracked. "I loved her so very much! I loved her ever since I met her, I tell you! It was love at first sight! We would sew together, and I knew then that she was my true love!"
As Uryu went on his little tangent, Ichigo made his escape, unbeknownst to Renji.
Five minutes later...
"...And when we were paired up to work together in the Soul Society..."
Ten minutes later...
"...So I knew I had to protect her from Mayuri's clutches at all costs...!"
Fifteen minutes later...
"Okay, okay, I get it!" Renji said in annoyance. "You loved her! Now will you please shut up already?!"
Uryu was now bawling, sobbing into Orihime's school uniform as blood mixed with tears. "And all I ever wanted to tell her was how much I loved her, but Ichigo kept getting in the way! She would never stop talking about him! It was always—"
Slice! Thud!
And there went Uryu's head, rolling on the school floor.
Renji slung his Zanpaktou casually over his shoulder. "Gosh, that was annoying!"
"Now, where did Ichigo go to?" Renji said, squinting his eyes as he scanned the hallways for his target.
"Ah-hah! There you are..." Renji smirked as he briefly spotted the unmistakable orange hair turning a corner.
I've got you now... Renji sneered, restraining the evil laughter he thought would be suitable for the situation as he crept up on Ichigo.
Ichigo, though, became aware and turned around.
To face a Renji whose eyes were red with blood lust and whose Zanpaktou was about to fall upon him!
"Renji, what—?"
Slice!
And so Ichigo's body collapsed in two halves.
Except, with closer inspection... "Huh? This isn't..."
"RANGIKU!!!" a familiar voice shrieked.
Gin's.
The very instant he sensed the plummet in Matsumoto's reiatsu, Gin broke the Shunpo record (and the sound barrier) by literally teleporting all the way from Las Noches, a heavy-set frown replacing the ever-present smile on his face.
Uh-oh, this can't be good, Renji thought. If Ichimaru isn't smiling, well then...that can only mean...
"What did you do to my precious Ran-chan?" Gin wailed, trying in vain to put the two halves together. "YOU KILLED OUR CHILD!!"
Now that caught Renji by surprise. "WTF? You mean you and Lieutenant Matsumoto did...?" he didn't even have to ask.
"YES, WE SLEPT TOGETHER!!" Gin barked. "And now, I'm gonna kill you!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" Renji shrieked. Without thinking, he acted on instinct, running right down the hallway, as far away from Gin as possible. Not that that mattered to Gin, though.
"Shoot to kill, Shinso!"
And kill Renji Shinso did.
Although, as Renji was dying (and bleeding cups of blood a second), he managed to choke out, "I-Ichigo... I... I love you..."
Yes, before Renji fell face down into his own vast puddle of blood (which killed him quicker, as he couldn't breathe), Renji had come to the realization that it wasn't Rukia he had loved, but Ichigo instead.
Meanwhile, Ichigo had finally caught up to Rukia.
Achieving the feat only by tackling her onto the ground.
And landing in a rather compromising position on top of her. Ichigo's face flushed bright red, while Rukia only shoved him off her. "Idiot! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" she exclaimed, venom dripping from her voice. "Do it to Renji! Gosh!"
Ichigo pulled himself to his feet, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. "Look, I didn't mean it—" He cut himself off. "Wait, what did you just say?!"
Rukia brushed her clothes off in irritation, as if freeing herself from "Ichigo germs." "Don't kid with me, Ichigo," she told him impatiently. "I think you and Renji both made it clear, since you guys are such an item now." The bitter sarcasm in her voice was obvious to anyone, especially Ichigo.
"No, Rukia! You don't understand!" Ichigo protested, "I don't have a thing for Renji! Hell, he doesn't even have a thing for me! It was all just some sick, twisted plan he came up with – getting close to me and making you think I'm gay so I wouldn't be able to get close to you..." He glanced over in her direction, but only saw wide violet eyes staring back into his soft amber ones.
"And why would he do that?" Rukia asked, still as confused as ever.
"Because I—" Ichigo was cut off by a sudden voice.
"Hey, Rukia! There you are! I've been looking all over for you!"
Ichigo turned around and came face-to-face with Ashido! The deep crimson hair was unmistakable. How he managed to get to the human world, he had no idea.
What the hell? Ichigo was left speechless.
Rukia, on the other hand, lit up the moment she saw him. "Ashido-kun!" she gushed, prancing over to him. "How'd you get here?"
He smiled at her with an oh-so sexy grin. "You told me you'd come back for me in Hueco Mundo...just thought I'd surprise you by coming here instead," he replied.
Ichigo could only gawk at the spectacle in front of him. Rukia was...flirting with Ashido? Just what had happened when Rukia went missing that day? Ichigo was afraid to find out.
But he had to. The uncertainty of not knowing would kill him more than never finding out.
"So," Ichigo began, trying to sound as casual as possible—even attempting to look so, with his hand in his pockets. "Just how close are you two?"
The two stared at Ichigo in surprise and Ashido looked at Rukia and questioned, "You mean you didn't tell him?"
"Tell me what?" Ichigo asked, his calm look fading fast as he began to have bouts of nervous twitching.
Rukia avoided Ichigo's gaze, her face red.
Yet she didn't move at all when Ashido tenderly wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
WHY ISN'T SHE SHOVING A**HIDO AWAY?!?!?!
A**hido, smiling with a grin Ichigo would very much like to cut off, answered, "Rukia and I are going out."
"..."
"As in dating," Ashido added when Ichigo's visage took on an idiotic stare.
Though that wasn't the case at all.
They're... going out? Ichigo repeated, dazed. As in, dating? As in—?
"As in, she's my girlfriend," Ashido concluded.
Ichigo snapped.
By chucking a soul candy in his mouth, transforming into a Soul Reaper, and then butchering Ashido with his Zanpaktou.
All before Ashido (or Rukia, for that matter) could defend himself.
All less than five seconds.
"ASHIDO-KUN!!!" Rukia sobbed before she could reach for him.
Only Ichigo grabbed her (again, by the shoulders) before she could even move one step, except his grip on her was hard.
"Lemee go!" Rukia ordered, futilely struggling.
When he wouldn't, Rukia continued on her grieving mad vent at Ichigo.
"You murderer! You killed Ashido! I loved him!"
"AND I LOVED YOU!!!" Ichigo roared, wondering how in the world Rukia could've chosen Ashido over him.
"You... did?"
This never occurred to Rukia.
Grim faced, Ichigo put Rukia down and bitterly said, "Too late now."
The last thing Rukia saw was Ichigo's teary eyes bringing down Zangetsu upon her.
"You love me...and now you're gonna kill me?!" Rukia repeated in disbelief. "Just what kind of screwed up mind do you have, anyway?!"
Ichigo just ignored her, his Zanpaktou still poised above her. "I...I don't want to do this!"
"Well, I do!" Rukia replied, quickly sneaking a soul candy into her mouth and – before Ichigo could even react – making a decent-sized slash across his chest.
Ichigo could only stare in stunned horror at the wound, blood soaking into his Shinigami robes. "R-Rukia...why?" he rasped.
"Do you even have to ask?!" Rukia snapped. "I told you why! You killed Ashido! My one true love! I can never forgive you!" Tears poured from her eyes as she slashed wildly at Ichigo with Sode no Shirayuki, slashing and slashing until there was nothing left by a bloody, mangled body.
Once she was through, Ichigo's overkilled body fell to the floor and Rukia breathed out a sigh of relief. "Well, that was fun!" she said to herself, sheathing her Zanpaktou. "If only I'd thought of killing him sooner!"
Back in Karakura High, Gin wept over Rangiku's two halves. He had managed to put them together, but they wouldn't stay together.
"Ohh Ran-chan," he mourned, cradling her body, "If only I had remained by your side, instead of going to Aizen! Then I would've been able to protect you from harm!"
Suddenly, the two halves fell apart again. Gin cried harder as he tried for the tenth time to make his beloved whole again.
But this time, Gin caught sight of a tiny, blood-covered hand that emerged from Rangiku's womb.
Gin gasped, stunned. Is that what I think it is?
Hoping that it was, Gin gently gripped the hand and carefully pulled it out.
'It' turned out to be a premature baby girl, in the exact image of Matsumoto (or, at least, in Gin's eyes, it was close enough)!
Gin's tears continued to fall, but instead of sorrow, they were created from joy. "Ran-chan, you returned to me, reincarnated in your daughter's body!"
"Ugh, disgusting..."
Gin turned his head to see none other than the young white-haired captain of the Tenth Division. "My, my, if it isn't Hitsugaya...what are you doing here?"
"Avenging my lieutenant," Hitsugaya replied in a dead-serious voice, popping a soul candy into his mouth and unsheathing his Zanpaktou. "You'll pay for killing her!"
"Kill her?!" Gin repeated in disbelief, horrified that anyone could even suggest such a thing. He held the infant closer to him, as if shielding the child from the onslaught of Hitsugaya's words. "Why would would I ever kill her?! I loved her—"
Hitsugaya cut him off. "You loved her?! You who betrayed the Soul Society – betrayed Rangiku – just to serve Aizen?! You can never love her the way I did!"
Gin opened his eyes at that. Real wide. And that's something he close to never did. That, and frown. "Say what?!"
"That's right!" Hitsugaya shouted viciously. "I loved her! More than you ever could, Gin!"
Gin glared at him. "Well, sorry to break to to you, but you've wasted your efforts, captain," he retorted. "Or should I say Toshiro? You never had a chance with my precious Ran-chan...so buck out, Shortie!"
Hitsugaya could feel his nostrils flaring. "What did you call me?" he glowered.
"Shortie! Little kid! Imp!" Gin continued, sticking his tongue out at him, which of course, only made Hitsugaya grip the hilt of his Zanpaktou harder.
"Why you...!" he snarled between clenched teeth. But then he caught sight of the baby in Gin's arms (yeah, he just noticed) and gasped. "Who does the child belong to?"
Gin glanced down at the child for a moment, as if just realizing it was still in his arms, and then an idea came into his head. His lips settled into that trademark smile of his. "This child?" he asked, feigning ignorance.
Hitsugaya nodded.
"Oh, well her name's Gin-a..." Gin declared. "She's my and Ran-chan's daughter. So sorry, shortie! Looks like—"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Hitsugaya's scream tore through the air as he acted on sheer impulse: the instinct that told him to kill Gin. "Reign over the frozen skies, Hyorinmaru!"
"Uh-oh," Gin squeaked. He then glanced down at the small infant in his arms and did the only thing he could think of. "You must live!"
So he tossed the baby over the stair railing.
Right before his body was shattered into a million shards of ice.
As for the baby...it didn't die, if that's what you think! No, it just fell into the unsuspecting arms of Mizuho, who had followed Ikkaku around the entire school grounds flirting with him. She stared down at the small child that had literally dropped from the skies. "Oh, well aren't you the most adorable little angel! Once we get you cleaned up, you'll be irresistible!"
Ikkaku finally allowed himself to look over in her direction. "What the—?"
Mizuho linked arms with Ikkaku. "Isn't this just perfect, my love?! We'll finally be parents! I think we should name her Mizuku – after you and me! What do you think?"
What did he think? Ikkaku wanted to barf, that's what! Forget Mizuho! Now he had a freaking bloody baby to deal with!
...But whose baby was it anyway? He examined it closely. Upon first glance, it looked like the splitting image of Matsumoto. But wait! That smile, that fox-like smile...
"CURSE YOU, ICHIMMMMMAAAAAARRRRRRUUUUUU!!!"
A/N: So, what do you think? Please review and let us know what you thought of this chapter! Feedback is greatly appreciated!