Disclaimer: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation is copyright and not created or owned by me. References to characters, episodes and all other intellectual property related to the made show below are for entertainment only and I do not profit from it in any way.
Warnings: PLEASE NOTE: Sexual assault, sexual references, references to child abuse, references to incest and coarse language. Very dark subject matter but ends on a (comparatively) positive note.
"Fi...Fiona!" Sara hissed as they both stumbled through the door.
Catherine paused in the darkness, amused as ever at seeing people's end of night antics after a few drinks. Fiona had apparently had a few more than Sara. But the two women didn't make it much farther than the front hall.
Some sort of hand-slapping battle ensued that ended up with Sara against the wall of the hallway.
"This is not okay, Fi. Stop it." Sara's head dropped back against the wall, and Catherine could read her frustration and anxiety clearly in the moonlight.
"Or else what?" The younger sister laughed a little, reaching up to kiss Sara, who twisted her head away angrily. "You gonna hurt me, Sar?"
Catherine's heart started to pound with adrenaline, but she was frozen with uncertainty as well as curiosity.
"I know you won't hurt me." Fiona said seriously, and began a teasing dance against the taller woman's body. "You're so gentle. You were always so gentle with me."
Another brief battle of wills followed that Catherine could now categorise as the dance of unwanted advances. But she had never seen it played out quite like this.
"The first one to ever make it feel good. Because you cared. I love you, Sara, you know?"
"Fiona." Sara's voice was strained. "I have a girlfriend. You have a boyfriend. We are not doing this." Fiona snorted a little, clearly unimpressed by the logic.
"You're not dating. She told me tonight that you split, she's just letting you stay here out of pity 'til you find a new apartment."
Catherine ground her teeth together silently, wanting to protest that she had never said anything like that.
"We're...on a break right now." Sara's voice was a little less certain, a little more broken, and Catherine wanted to charge in to her defense. But she couldn't make herself move.
"Sure. Is it 'cause of what you can't do for her? Can't show her all the dark and dirty corners in your mind? Or is it 'cause of what you won't let her do for you? Won't let her take care of you, play the loving girlfriend. Or...is it the sex?" Fiona was grinning and Sara gave her another, more forceful shove away, but the younger woman was quickly back in her space.
"What's the matter, Sara? I know you too well. You can't hide from me. I bet any time she tried to go down on you all you could think about was how dirty you are. How she'd be better off licking the floors at Grand Central. At least there it's just foot-traffic. I bet you thought about how going down on you would be like getting a mouthful of the half of San Francisco that had been there before her."
"Stop it, Fiona!" Sara tried to wrestle her way free, but Catherine could tell that she was hampered by the fact she was trying not to hurt the other woman at all in the process.
"It wouldn't be like that with me. 'Cause I'm just as dirty as you." Fiona sounded painfully sincere, rather than vindictive, and all Catherine could bring herself to feel was numb and sick.
"Please, Sara, I need you. I let them fuck me, whoever wants to, but you're the only one who ever cared about me. I need you." This last was mumbled into Sara's clavicle where Fiona had dropped her head, out of drunkenness or desire.
"I'm not touching you, Fi. Never again. And I'm not letting you touch me again, even if it means hurting you. Do you hear me?" Sara's voice was clear and firm.
"Then just like this. Please, I need you so bad..." Fiona had drawn one of Sara's legs forward so she could straddle it, and had started to rub against the taller woman with abandon. "Oh fuck. Yes, Sara...you feel so good..."
Sara's face turned away, clearly trying to distance herself from what was happening. Fiona was oblivious, her face still buried in her sister's neck. The change of angles and light on Sara's face showed Catherine what she hadn't yet been able to see, that her girlfriend was crying.
"They hurt me, Sar. Why does...unh...why does it only feel good with you?" Her movements were speeding up, and Catherine had a million answers rushing through her mind.
She wanted to rip Fiona away and spout them off furiously. That she regularly chose harsh sexual partners to ensure there was no emotional connection. That her emotional connection with Sara had formed long before fucked-up parents had destroyed her ability to relate to others.
"Oh God...Sara, I'm..." and the girl's erratic movements, if not her words, gave away that she had reached orgasm. She rose the remainder of her pleasure out without words. What followed, though, was eerily familiar to Catherine.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry, Sara...oh God, I'm sorry..." Fiona was now holding onto her sister out of an entirely different need, for comfort.
Catherine might have assumed the shorter sibling was apologising for the sexual assault, if she hadn't seen Sara break down and apologise in a very similar way after losing her tightly held control and just enjoying herself one time.
Only seconds earlier Catherine had wanted to take violent revenge on Fiona for the pain she was causing Sara...but now she found herself wanting violent revenge for both of them, against whoever was managing to torture them still.
"You're okay, Fi." Sara was holding the younger woman's shoulders tightly – a strange mixture of comfort without intimacy that seemed to be all she could muster at that moment. Catherine didn't fail to notice that Sara was saying 'you're okay' rather than 'its okay' and wondered if it was because she didn't want to condone what had happened, or if it was habit in comforting her sister. Because whatever had upset her in years past, it was clearly not okay.
"Come on, Fi. Time for bed." Sara maneuvered the finally unresisting drunk over to the fold out couch she had been staying on, dropping her fairly unceremoniously down and covering her with a blanket.
"Sara?" Fiona asked, sounding groggy and half-asleep.
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry. Are we okay?"
"We'll be alright, Fi. Go to sleep." She spared a moment to pat the other woman's hair comfortingly before finally making her escape to the kitchen. Catherine could hear her retching from her hiding spot on the stairs.
Catherine's thoughts were a jumble, and while her first impulse was to comfort Sara, she knew that it would not be welcome just yet.
Aside from this, she wasn't entirely sure how to feel about everything herself.
It was clear that what had happened tonight was entirely one-sided. Sara, no matter what her thoughts or feelings may be, had clearly said no, and Fiona had forced the matter by using Sara's guilt and fear of causing any injury against her.
But more than that, Fiona had implied that the two had sex previously. Had it been just once? Youthful experimentation? Or an extension of the control of their parents? Or was it something darker than that, an ongoing liaison Sara now regretted? Catherine wasn't sure how much difference each scenario made.
She had always known that Sara had a past, but could she really date someone who had had a consensual affair with her own sister? She needed to get some answers from Sara, but was hesitant to ask. Aside from the obviously taboo nature of it all, Sara had enough shame and guilt to fill the Canyon even before discussing or admitting to even non-consensual incest.
The noises of Sara being sick had faded, and Catherine came up with a plan of action. Coming down the remainder of the stairs at a regular night volume, she entered the kitchen and went straight to the fridge, jumping in surprise when she supposedly noticed Sara out of the corner of her eye.
"You scared me." She put a hand to her chest and took a second to evaluate Sara's appearance and pretend to slow her heart-rate down.
She continued with the motions of pouring herself some water before approaching her girlfriend. She stood next to her for a moment, saying nothing and sipping her drink. Sara seemed to relax slightly, and Catherine felt an intense bolt of joy that her presence could calm, and that she seemed to be making the right decisions so far about approaching the situation.
When her glass was half-full, she set it down and turned to the brunette.
"Sara? May I"? Catherine reached a hand slowly toward the taller woman's face, stopping about half way to wait for permission. She could read in Sara's posture that she desperately wanted to lean in to the touch, but was hesitating.
"Are we...broken up?" Sara asked, awkwardly.
"Not unless you want to be." Catherine answered, brushing the younger woman's hair behind one ear and dropping her hand to rest gently on Sara's closest shoulder. "We have some things to work on, but I love you. I want to be with you. Do you want to be with me?"
"Yes." Sara closed her eyes and the distance between them, resting her head on Catherine's.
"Then we'll find a way."
They stayed like that for a long time. It was sometimes difficult to find a balance of intimacy that Sara was comfortable with, but when they did it always seemed to relax her.
Catherine didn't want to guess at the kind of thoughts Sara might be struggling with at that moment, and she was very relieved the other woman was even willing to allow her touch after what had happened earlier. But they couldn't stay in the kitchen all night.
"Sara?"
"Mm?"
"It's hard to sleep without you. Will you come to bed with me? Just for sleeping?"
"Of course." The brunette sounded relieved, and Catherine was once again encouraged to find she had chosen the right approach.
It was no accident that she had framed the request in terms of her own comfort. They both needed each other too badly tonight for Sara to refuse out of a misguided concept of weakness, or a suspicion of pity from her girlfriend.
As they settled under the covers together, Sara made the unusual choice to wrap an arm over the blonde's waist.
While the taller woman had often signalled a willingness for contact by lying closer to Catherine, she very rarely initiated non-sexual intimacy.
Catherine lay her hand over Sara's and gave it a squeeze, snuggling back into her girlfriend slightly. Moments like these were the ultimate reward for navigating the minefield of Sara's thoughts and emotions.