Listen to "Green Onions" Booker T and the MGs

It was a very strange Tuesday, the sky was grey and the sickly sweet smell of London hung in the air like someone just threw rotting fish into the Thames on some sort of protest or other. Arthur and Francis strolled nonchalantly down the South bank when suddenly they were distracted by a bloke in a long coat. Arthur knew him cos they lived in London, and Arthur knows all Londoners…or any British people as a matter of fact.

"Arfur!" Came the cockney voice of the man "Watcha me ol' mate!" he said and hugged him suddenly.

"Awwight!" Arthur replied "Yous lookin' good innit? Yous looking like you's running from the Sweeney!" he said much to Francis bewilderment, as he had no idea about the way London folk actually spoke. It made absolutely no sense.

"Yeah mate, been down the old apples and pears…" Laughed the Londoner "Aint no fun, the Sweeney's after my arse, gotta get outta this dump! Look after me wheels will ya mate?" he said quickly and handed him a set of keys. Just then they heard the sounds of sirens in the distance and the bloke hugged Arthur quickly. "Awwight mate, I gotta go, know wot I mean? Nice bumpin' into yer and your poncey friend… see ya." He yelled and sped off, mouthing "Call me" and making a telephone gesture with his thumb and forefinger.

Bewildered Francis stared after the man. "What language was he speaking?" he asked as he hadn't understood a word of that.

"English." Arthur replied.

"What?"

"You know…folky England talk… cockney… that sort of thing…"

"Cockney?" Francis said quietly "Is…is that a … sex thing…?"

Arthur scowled at him and shook his head. "NO!" he mumbled "Idiot…" he continued "It refers to someone who was born within the sound of the bow bells… in London…"

"So its got nothing to do with …cock..?"

"No…" replied an exasperated Arthur "Are you obsessed with cock or something?"

"Well…" Francis said nonchalantly, much to Arthur's annoyance.

A few policeman ran past them looking for the criminal that Arthur had been talking to previously and he waved them in the right direction.

"Look it's the Sweeney…" Arthur cried. "He went that way!" he said and the policemen ran where he directed them.

"What's the Sweeney?" Francis asked.

"Sweeney Todd… PC Plod.. you know.. the police…"

"I do not understand this… Cockness…"

"Cockney!" Arthur snapped. "Anyway, that bloke gave us his car keys, lets see what car we have to drive then. In the car park there were BMWs, and Volkswagens and limousines. Arthur pressed the key fob to see which car would light up, and was really disappointed to see a three wheeler yellow van that looked really dilapidated. Not only that it looked as if it had never been washed. It was a really run down horrible little vehicle. When Arthur went to open the door it came off in his hand. "Bollocks.." he mumbled, as he got inside and tried to fix it back on. Francis got in the other side and that door came off as well. "Le Bollockess.." He uttered and Arthur laughed hard.

"Le Bollockess…? Is that your attempt at impersonating me?"

"Oui… it is what you say." Chuckled Francis "And you call people Le Wankerrr…" he chuckled. "You are funny mon petit Angleterre."

Arthur chuckled as well, Francis could be funny sometimes, and his impersonation of him was hilarious.

"Right mate, where'd you wanna go to..?" Arthur said doing London Taxi driver speak. "Oh I know.. lets pop down to Brighton innit?"

"Brighton? But aren't we in Britain…" asked a confused Francis who was growing more confused by the minute.

"No Brighton… you know… beside the seaside… for some good old British Fish and chips and all that… tally ho!"

The stupid horrible little car actually started, after a few turns of the key, and off they went down to Brighton in it. Of course it wasn't the best of days and it started to rain like the end of the world happening as they drove down on the motorway, the van leaked and shook and weaved all over the road but Arthur didn't care. He put on the car stereo which was a remnant from the 1980s with tapes in it. It was the popular group "The Kingsmen" … and the song "Louie Louie" which was all weird sounding because it was so old. Not surprisingly Arthur knew all the words.

"Yay…to Brighton!" Yelled Arthur, as Francis sat there looking terrified.

So… eventually they got to Brighton and the rain stopped as if by magic, and the sun came out, it was really warm and lovely. The old van trundled through Brighton's seaside streets, playing crappy old records from the 70s and 80s including "Green Onions" which Francis liked actually. Nothing to do with Onions at all.. ok.. don't even go down that road.. seriously now.

Anyway… upon arrival in Brighton the car fell to bits, and so they left it where it was, and went off to explore lovely Brighton in the sunshine. They went to a fairground, because it was the seaside, and British seasides are full of fairgrounds with rides and gypsies and that. As part of the Great British day at the seaside, Arthur bought him and Francis some Fish and Chips to eat as they walked along the prom. The Frenchman could have thrown up because they were utterly disgusting and dripping with oil, and the fish were too salty and covered in batter which was again to oily, so when some seagulls came and stole Francis' meal he was actually really happy about that, of course he pretended to Arthur that he was annoyed.

"Curse those birds!" he said "They 'ave stolen ma fish and cheeps…" he said "Your superb English er… food…"

"Aw never mind…" Arthur replied. "Come on, lets go up the big wheel…" He said indicating to the Brighton ferris Wheel. Francis could have thrown up, even the thought of going up there made his head spin.

"Um… how about we pop round the fairground first…" he uttered, trying to sound like he was enjoying himself. He really REALLY didn't want to go on a huge ferris wheel, having a fear of heights which he had not disclosed to Arthur.

As they walked around the fairground Arthur spotted a gypsy caravan, not a new one with mod cons and a car, but an old horse drawn one, and there was a sign outside of it which said "GYPSY ROSIE LEE. Come in and have your Tarot read, or your palm… Consult the spirits. £20."

"Wahey!" Cried Arthur excitedly "Lets go see Gypsy Rosie Lee!" he said "Come on!"

Francis was unsure, because he knew that Gypsies in Britian probably knew their stuff and he was a bit scared to go into the caravan. However he didn't want Arthur to think he wasn't enjoying their impromptu day at the seaside and decided that he would go in after all.. I mean…what was the worst that could happen? Right?

Inside the caravan it was strangely quiet and smelled of burning rose incense. There was red material on the walls and there were all manner of strange spell books, and objects that were laying around, such as magic wands and paraphernalia and that sort of thing. The gypsy wasn't there at first but then an old lady stepped into the main area from the back of the caravan.

"Come to have your tarot read have ye sirs?" she mumbled "That will be £20 each…" she uttered and sat herself down at the table which had a star patterned cloth and a crystal ball in the middle of it. Arthur handed over £40 and he sat down opposite with Francis beside him.

"Ohhhh…." Cried the old lady spookily. Francis immediately got up in order to get out of there, but Arthur sat him down again. He reluctantly stayed.

"Ooooohhhh…." Groaned the old lady again… "I am Gypsy Rosie Lee… the greatest Tarot reader and psychic of all time… ooooohhhh.." she said "Well … grand daughter of the original anyway…."

"Get on with it …ma'am." Arthur said sarcastically at first but then trying to move it along a bit.

She got our her Rider Waite Tarot pack and bid him to shuffle it. "Shuffle the cards sir… and then give it to your poncey friend to also shuffle."

Francis scowled at her. Why did England's friends always call him Poncey? That was weird. Anyway.. .after shuffling the cards, she got Arthur to pick a card… lo and behold it was THE DEATH CARD!

Arthur's facial expression was one of shock, but Gypsy Rose Lee just laughed. "Do not worry sirs… for the Death card merely means the end of an old way of life and the beginning of a new one… but pick a few more cards so I can see your true fortune…"

Arthur picked a few more cards. Ten of swords, nine of swords, the Devil, four of pentacles and the Wheel of Fortune.

"Beware gentlemen…" Gypsy Rosie Lee said "Ooooooh bewaaaare!" she moaned as if possessed with Evil spirits "This is a terrible omen… a terrible…terrible omen… "

"Whhhhyyyyyy?" Moaned Arthur somewhat sarcastically.

"Do not …. Go on the… on the…"

"On the what?" Arthur asked. "Come on … speak up you old tart… do not go on the what?"

"Uuuuuurgh…" uttered the old lady as she breathed her last breath and fell slowly to the floor, dying … it was a death rattle. She slumped on the floor of the cabin gurgling away.

Francis sat there looking all panicky and strange. "I am thinking she has died Arthur, we must 'ow you say…? Scarper…"

"You're right Francis, before the Sweeney get here and find her brown bread!"

"What?"

"Dead…"

Francis looked puzzled but he didn't have time to worry about it, Arthur grabbed him and they left the caravan, whistling innocently so no one would know anything was wrong. A little girl and her father went in next and they were half way along the beach when they heard a scream.

"That was scary ey?" Arthur gulped. "Remind me never to go and see old gypsies ever again."

"Oui … I will remind you." Francis said as he bought some candy floss from a stall.

"Right lets go up the big Wheel… come on…" Arthur said dragging Francis along as he was trying to eat his candy floss. He really REALLY didn't want to go up there… but he felt he had to…

To be continued…