So this whole thing was kind of spawned by the meeting with Bianca in Dragon Age Inquisition, combined with the fact you are unable to romance Varric in the game. Usually I try to respect the canon of a characters feelings in game, ie trying not to ship Dorian with any woman and the like but this one was hard. When I met Bianca I wanted to like her. I wanted to see her and Varric happy. I kept hoping if I picked the right dialogue options that I'd be able to hook them up or at least see a hug or a nice good bye or something.
And then she spouted off with that comment if anything happened to Varric she'd kill the Inquisitor. I have never had feelings for a character go straight to hatred so fast before. Not for the comment she made, but just the completely out of left field feeling to it and the utter inappropriate thing to say. It wasn't even the, "Bitch, please. I could kick your short ass all over Thedas," reaction I've seen from other fans (though that was a small part of it). Just the way she twisted her mess up onto me when I was trying so hard to stick up for her frankly pissed me off.
I can see why it didn't work out between her and Varric, honestly.
The fact I have a bit of a fan crush on him also didn't help. I just want to see him happy in a relationship and I can understand how you're not allowed to romance him because, like Dorian being gay so tough if you're a girl, it's part of his character. Still, I had to do something to get me over the feels so I wrote this. I did my best not to bash Bianca though, because I know she still has fans and I'm sure her character hurts just as much as Varric over the whole doomed relationship. Still, if it comes out a bit bitter towards her at moments, you'll know why.
In game I actually paired my female Lavellan with Cullen. It didn't help that I gave her pale skin, big black eyes and the long black hair braided and pinned up that sort of made her look a bit like an accidental elven Disney Snow White and Cullen couldn't be more Prince Charming if he tried so they seemed so perfect together. It was fun though imagining her as a love interest to Varric instead of the former Templar though, especially since I ended up writing her as I played her. Curious about everything but not really gelling well with the whole Herald thing because it just has too many strings attached but knowing she can't fight it because no one would let her anyway. I love Cassandra but I also resented her a bit for allowing the rumors to grow, even encouraged them basically to use me as the Inquisition mascot. It was initially supposed to be vague on details to allow anyone to attach their own Inquisitor to it, but as it grew and became more detailed it just didn't come out that way.
Anyway, I've rambled enough so I'll just get this started. I hope you enjoy.
You Made it so I Could Never Have Him
"Get him killed, and I'll feed you your own eyeballs, Inquisitor."
Ellana's eyes widened for a second, shocked by the words. Wait... what? The elf couldn't believe it. She'd just defended this woman from Varric's ire, and for what? To be threatened like that?
Her fists clenched, a pit of anger swelling in her stomach. She was the Inquisitor, had legions of armies behind her, had worked so hard to gain the support of allies, saved more lives in Thedas than she could count and had ended even more, and this dwarf honestly thought she could spout such a venomous threat and just walk away? Just who did she think she was?
The elf sighed softly and her fists relaxed after a moment, though she didn't feel better for it. She knew exactly who this woman was. A stubborn dwarf who had thought she'd known best, who had gone and done something foolish and stupid despite all of Varric's warnings and then gotten chewed out for it. A woman who had been shamed and was looking for someone, anyone, to blame.
After all, it was so much easier to say if anything happened to Varric it would be the Inquisitor's fault, not her own. It wouldn't be her fault for leaking the information, for giving away a key of all things to this dangerous Lyrium. No, it would be Ellana's fault, because she was the leader and clearly none of Bianca's actions had led up to any possible tragedy.
The elf had been so close to snapping at the dwarven woman, telling her exactly what she thought of such blame laying, but something held her in check. It wasn't fear of Bianca. A dwarf from a merchant guild? Right, because that was terrifying compared to the forces to tear open and close the Fade and everything else that wanted the elf dead. It would be just another drop in the bucket, and a small drop at that.
No, it was fear of Varric. The dwarf wasn't far away. He had to have heard what was said, and he would have heard anything Ellana had shot at Bianca, any horrible truth she threw back at the woman would not be appreciated, even hated.
Ellana had never wanted the Inquisition to give her leadership. She hadn't wanted to receive all this responsibility just for the sake of humans who worshiped a religion that hated her people, and she certainly didn't want to be named the fated chosen one of Andreste no matter how often she had tried to insist she didn't want to be bowed to or loved. Still, she had it, and all that power, fame and influence was still nothing in comparison to an angry female dwarf who might have possibly doomed them all.
Because Varric was in love with her and they all knew it.
Ellana couldn't have fought back even if she'd had the courage to, not without risking Varric's anger on herself. That was the crazy thing about love, it made people do foolish things.
She'd knew. After all, if she herself wasn't in love with Varric, she wouldn't have cared if he got mad at her for telling Bianca off.
The Inquisitor just stood there for a while, not bothering to follow her party. They seemed to notice before they got too far, but still, she didn't move. She just closed her eyes and sighed softly.
The elf had never intended to fall in love with anyone, least of all a dwarf. It wasn't that she had anything against their kind, but they were so... well, different. Ellana had grown up a hunter for her tribe, learning how to build traps and skin animals, polishing her skills with a sword to fight and running through the forest to catch prey and stay alive. Every day of her life had been to take care of the clan with her friends who were all Dalish, just like her. Her life was above ground, in the fields or trees, scaling mountains to find food and water. Dwarves were about machines, wealth, mining and crafting.
Well, that was a gross generalization. She was sure there were plenty who didn't fit the mold, but she certainly hadn't known that before Varric.
His stories are what had drawn her to him at first. She'd bought a copy of his book about the champion, a worn and used copy she'd gotten for a few coppers during a trading meeting with some Shemlins. It had been so fascinating, but parts of the story had confused her and hadn't made much sense. When she'd met Varric after the conclave and they'd all settled down in Haven, she couldn't help but ask him about it to get answers to her questions. It had led to stories about Hawke, and then other adventures he'd known or heard of, then legends about dwarves and old places, and everything in between.
She'd listened to him for weeks, often joining him at the campfire and begging for another tale before she had to run off for another mission the Inquisition needed done. After all, she'd always had a love for history, even more so than the others in her clan. She could have easily been a keeper, her thirst for knowledge always foremost on her mind, except of course for the fact she had no magical talent to speak of.
She'd always been curious, wanting to know more about how the world used to be. Not just history about the elves, but everything. She'd often been one of the clan chosen to meet with outsiders for trade, just because she wanted to know more about them, and it had led to her being chosen to be the one to go to the Conclave, her Keeper sure she was the one who knew the customs of outsiders best so as not to be a perceived threat as she gathered information about the war.
In Haven it had been no different. She'd asked everyone just about everything she could think of, questions to Cassandra about the Circle and faith in the Maker, Cullen the traditions of the Templars, and she'd begged Solas for every tale he could tell her, eager to memorize anything he would be willing to gift her with and take it back to her clan whether he approved of the Dalish or not.
Yet she'd always liked Varric's tales the most. There was a romantic way to a tale he recited, overblown and ridiculous. She had always known half the things he said couldn't be true, and yet she longed to hear them anyway. History was fascinating, but the things he spoke of, even if she knew they couldn't be true sounded so wonderful and alive, she loved them anyway. The way he spun a tale made the world sound so full of wonders she'd never seen for herself, heroic and brimming with deeds just waiting to be done, riches to be claimed, dragons to be slain in over the top and yet still such amazing ways. It was no wonder she'd come to love his tales.
That love had lead to other things, like loving the way he told them as well. Something about the way he looked right at her when he would recite these tales, how he would watch for her reactions as he spoke. It was as if these stories were for her and her alone. Even if he told the story a hundred times that day to a hundred different people, it would always be different, curtailed and suited to exactly what the listener wanted to hear. It made it feel special to her, like she was a once in a lifetime audience, hearing a tale just for her and no one else, crafted just right for her ears. The way he gestured, the way his voice wrapped around her and seemed to burrow into her core, she loved it all.
Then she'd begun to love the way he looked. Something about the way he smirked roguishly all the time, or the mischievous spark of intelligence in his eyes. Even his crooked nose, and the way he was so stout and strong looking. Before him, there had only been other elves, slender and small like her.
She'd been loved before, had touched and been touched. Her first time with a boy her age, a mage now the first to the Keeper, growing up with him and bonding over love of history. It had grown to affection in their later years and final experimentation when they were old enough before differing roles in their clan had made it impossible to get much time together. Then other hunters, more often than not because of mutual desire or a need to keep warm in winter months.
None of them had been short, thickly muscled, or hairy. She'd never even thought she could find those things attractive, and yet the more time she had spent with Varric, the more she'd looked and wondered. What would it feel like to kiss someone with stubble? Would it be warmer to hold someone like that? It was easy to stare when he wasn't looking, to admire him and feel her preferences for what she desired in a man start to grow into a more open direction.
She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment she'd come to love him. It had all been so gradual, but when she realized it, saying anything was impossible. The reason why had been staring at her not minutes ago. Even though he'd never mentioned who Bianca was in the stories, the name of a crossbow and his blatant skimming of details just screamed lost love. She'd never asked him for tales about where it had come from because it hadn't seemed appropriate. It was better not to know.
Not that life had been listening to how she wanted things to go lately. If it had been, it'd been doing everything to do exactly the worst thing to her each and every time.
"Inquisitor? Is something wrong?"
Cassandra had come back to collect her and the elf sighed. It's not like she could have just stood here forever, but she wanted to. She wanted to be left alone.
"Everything is wrong," she said softly before turning to face the Seeker. "Let's go. I don't want to be here anymore."
The trek back was confusing and miserable. It wasn't like Ellana never had her moments of depression. She'd been confused and hurt before. She was no stranger to it. Yet she couldn't shake it this time, nor did she really want to.
Everything that had happened since the conclave, she'd been determined to see it through. Even if she didn't agree with the Chantry, even if she disliked the title of Herald, she wanted to help people. She wanted to save lives, and not just of the humans. When Solas had told her an artifact of their people had started this, it had scared her, but it had scared her into accepting leadership, of telling the people she would stand as a Dalish elf and save everyone. If she hadn't, and if they'd found out the truth, it could lead an Exalted March against them and kill them all. She'd been terrified and confused, but she'd met it with determination to save her kin. Maybe she'd always be seen as a tool of Andreste for it, but if it meant they'd all be alive years from now, she'd accept that history would remember her any way it wanted to whether it was truth or not.
This though? This just made her want to crawl into a hole and then never come out again. She'd never felt so damn pathetic.
It wasn't just the love issue. It was the fact she'd lost before it even started. She knew he was taken, that his heart was not available and never would be. How could it be such an obvious trap and she fell into it anyway? The Dalish weren't foolish people, and here she was making a mistake so clear there might as well have been a map leading right to it.
Skyhold was more than a welcome sight, and she slipped away from the party the moment they weren't watching her, taking her steed back to the stables before running for it. It didn't even matter where she went, as long as it was away from anyone.
Sadly, it was easier said then done. Their fortress had become the home to many people lately and it seemed every space had someone in it. Her quarters were no good because anyone could find her there. She'd not been subtle about her mood after all. By the time the day was out, someone would come looking for her to ask her what was wrong, or worse yet, try to cheer her up.
Perhaps it was childish, but she didn't want to be cheered up. She wanted to sulk. It was her right after all. Everything going on, everything that was happening, she had a right to be a little upset. The world could have its Herald tomorrow. Today she just wanted to be a Dalish hunter in a bad mood.
Of course, finding a place had still proven to be a little tough. The tavern was no place to hole up. Everyone would be bugging her to spill her guts. She considered expressing her woes to Iron Bull, but he and Dorian had been spending a lot of time together lately and she would have felt a little guilty complaining about her lack of good love life. He'd once offered her a shared bed, but she had shied away and rejected him... mostly out of fear of never being able to walk again, and he'd shrugged and went on. Even if she wasn't going to him for a sexual itch, going to him to whine about being rejected before she could even try to start something felt tactless.
Dorian though... No. He'd probably try to cheer her up and hook her up with someone. They'd become really good friends lately, which was odd considering she'd once been so nervous around him because of the whole slave issue. He was genuinely apologetic about it though and seemed to hate the evils of his homeland more than anyone else. After letting go of what little grudge she did have against him, she'd found him to be excellent company and a good reading partner. Still, she didn't think she'd have any interest in any solution he proposed.
Yes, it was clear. She didn't want to cheer up. It was much more satisfying to be miserable right now and no one would let her do that... well, except maybe Sera. She and the other elf couldn't agree on anything and there were moments Ellana wanted to kick her out just to get her out of her hair and make her shut up about how all nobles and elves had it coming. Surely she'd never think to comfort her... but she wouldn't allow Ellana to just get everything off of her chest either. The rouge was merciless when she thought she had a victim to pick on and Ellana wasn't so stupid as to give her the chance. The blond would probably post fliers about the Herald's feelings just to get back at her for all the times they'd argued.
"Cullen," she groaned, knowing there was no other choice. She'd just go to Cullen. They had a decent understanding of one another. He respected her and she him. If she went to him and told him she wanted to be alone, he'd let that be. He wasn't the type to meddle and while he was no better an option to get things off her chest, he would at least allow her to hide from the others no questions asked.
She trudged up the steps to the main hall and slipped through the several doors that led to his office and quarters. Like always, his desk was covered in paperwork and he seemed up to his elbows in work. He looked up when he saw her, though he did smile softly at her approach.
"Inquisitor, when did you get back?" he asked. "Has everything with the Red Lyrium been handled?"
"I... More or less," she said with a sigh. "Actually... Things have gotten very complicated. I need time to think, and I don't want the others to know where I am, especially Varric. I know this sounds odd but is it alright if I hide upstairs in your room?"
She'd expected to have him blush or stutter, maybe to get the wrong idea and she was already ready to explain that's not how she had intended it. The second the words had been out of her mouth she felt foolish, but he surprised her when he just gave her an understanding smile.
"You confessed and he turned you away, is that it?"
"W-what?" she asked, her eyes going wide in shock. "What are you talking about? How did you know about..."
"Inquisitor, may I speak frankly?" he asked as he straightened up and rested his hands on his sword, a pose he always seemed to do when he was thinking deeply. She mutely nodded, still surprised. "It's pretty obvious, at least to me. Well, and Leliana as well. You can't get anything past her. I don't think anyone else has figured it out yet though. You've tried hard to hide it well."
"Leliana is a Spy Master. How do you know about this?" she asked, her mind muddled by the way the conversation was going. She liked Cullen, but she'd always seen him for the very shy type. To have him speaking so frankly about her love life was frankly a bit shocking and very embarrassing.
"I recognize the looks, the way you seem to glow after you talk to him, the way you seem distracted afterward. It's not hard to put it together when you've lived that out yourself," he explained. "After all, I went through the same thing."
"Really?" Ellana asked. Her curiosity was shinning through again, and she wanted to know more. It almost made her forget about her misery, to listen to him talk about himself. He was very private after all, and she had a feeling he wouldn't have shared this easily.
"There was a woman I cared for deeply, a long time ago. It was before Kirkwall, but the circumstances were impossible. She was a mage and I a Templar. She was so kind and friendly, but it was... well, because of who we were it could never happen. She once asked me for... well, it doesn't matter. I rejected her, turned her away, and she ended up with another man."
"That's awful," Ellana said, genuinely feeling bad for him. "I'm so sorry."
"So am I," he confessed. "I didn't have the courage to tell her I loved her, to break the rules for her. I tell myself that it worked out for the best, and yet it still haunts me at times."
"How is her being with someone else better? It sounded like she loved you too, or at least wanted to."
"I'm a former Templar that committed horrible acts against people I was supposed to protect, and who is struggling with an addiction while fighting a war just to survive while she married the King of Fereldian... after the whole scandal of her being a mage was pretty much dealt with. There's no comparison."
Understanding dawned on her after a moment and her eyes widened. He'd loved the Warden?! The one who stopped the Blight?
"Oh my... That is... Suddenly I feel foolish for feeling so sorry for myself," she admitted. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drag up old wounds."
"I brought it up, not you," he assured her. "It was years ago, and I'm much older and more experienced now than I was back then. I think I only would have broken her heart if she'd seen what I'd become, but I still can feel the hurt and regret. Thoughts of what if I'd only done such and such are very easy to fall into, especially considering... Well, you probably don't want to hear about all my woes again."
"Actually, I think it put things into perspective for me," she admitted. "I wanted to act like a brat and just hide away. Feels stupid now."
"You're a very wise and level headed woman," he said with a smile. "You have so much you've been thinking about, and I've never seen you try to back away from any of it. I think you can afford to spend an afternoon addressing your troubles. If you want to hide away up there, feel free. I'll chase away anyone looking for you until you're ready, unless of course it's an emergency."
"There are holes in reality that pour demons and spirits in from the Beyond, and war looming on us from every front. Everything is an emergency," she lamented. "I'll be grateful for what I get. And Cullen? Thank you. I appreciate it."
"Any time, Inquisitor," he assured her before he went back to work.
She climbed up the ladder to his bedroom. It was amazingly dirty for a former military man of the faith. Only went to show how busy he was, and was that a hole in the roof? Shaking her head at how far he was pushing himself, she chuckled and grabbed another nearby ladder and set it against the hole to climb up that as well. This would have to be repaired soon, but until then it would make a good place to hide away.
Treading carefully over the creaky boards until she found a corner that was fairly solid and stable, she sat down and peered up at the sky. The blue seemed so expansive right now, and while there was still a threat out there, Ellana couldn't feel it right now. Thedas didn't have to exist right now. She could just relax here and think things over, now without all her thoughts being clouded by anger.
When she thought about it, she had no right to be upset in such a way. Not logically anyway. She cared for Varric deeply, loved him, but love should be about putting someone else's needs in front of your own. She'd been trying hard to do that, but it didn't count if it built this resentment inside of her. She'd always suspected there was another woman and when it had been confirmed, not to mention she'd seen the relationship hadn't been all that healthy, she'd gotten mad. It hadn't been for Varric's sake though, but her own. It felt like she was being held away from something she wanted, ruined by someone else just for the sake of keeping the elf away.
However that wasn't the case and she knew it. She didn't know how they'd come together or how they'd split. Bianca could still very much love him, or at the very least care for him. Maybe things were keeping them apart that they both hated and Bianca had taken it out on her in a moment of frustration. The elf was building her up into some horrible wench in her own mind when she'd only been trying to find a way out of a mistake.
A mistake she'd only made because she'd wanted to help Varric help Bartrand. She'd done something dumb because she obviously still cared. Ellana couldn't fault her for that. After all, the elf was currently sitting under the open sky in the cold air, figuring out her own feelings because she cared for the dwarf. What could she expect?
"This is all so incredibly stupid," she sighed, resting her head back against the stone wall. She felt tired all of a sudden, emotionally exhausted. After the way she'd acted earlier in front of her team, she didn't relish the thought of having to explain to them her bad mood. Maybe she should just blame the mission upsetting her and not worry about it any more. They'd probably all accept that.
In a while though. For now, she just wanted to be lost in the sky.
#-#
"Inquisitor? Hey, Your Inquisitorialness. Wake up, will you?"
Ellana opened her eyes in confusion, her vision blurry for a moment. Confused why she felt so achy and tired, she looked around and tried to get her barrings. Despite growing up in the forest as a hunter, she was always slow to wake up, lazy even. It felt dumb of her, being so negligent that someone had been able to walk right up to her when she'd been snoozing away in bed.
Only, she wasn't in bed. She was still on Cullen's roof. It was the middle of the night even. She'd fallen asleep here? No wonder she was so cold.
She looked up to thank Cullen for collecting her before she did something foolish like getting a cold but her general wasn't the one standing over her curled up form.
It was Varric.
The elf was torn between cursing herself and the traitor human that had clearly let him up here.
"Before you start to rave, he was getting worried about you," Varric said when her expression turned sour. "He said you had been up here for hours. I don't think he knew you were asleep, otherwise he would have just collected you and put you in bed. In fact, I think he believes you were in his room. He didn't say anything about you being on the roof, in the cold. I swear, what is it with female elves I know and insisting on going places you know are dangerous. At least Daisy only went through Lowtown at night. You want the die of frost or for the roof to collapse or something?"
"I think your stocky build is much more likely to bring a board down than I am. And elves are resistant to the cold and you know it," she mumbled. Varric had never scolded her before, and she didn't like it. It was if he were talking to a child, and it stung her pride a bit. "I fell asleep on accident. I came up here to think."
"I know. Cullen told me about it," he said and her eyes went wide. He'd done what? Ellana had trusted him and he'd done that?!
The dwarf saw her reaction and quickly raised his hands to placate her.
"Relax. He didn't say why, only that you were upset and you might want to clear the air with me," Varric explained. "He kept pretty tight lipped about everything, even with me pushing him for details. He just said I was probably the only one who could get you down."
She sighed and buried her face into her knees. She must have scared Cullen, staying up here for so long. Of course he would have tried to help, and of course he wouldn't have felt right about getting her himself. He'd thought she'd been up here to get privacy, hadn't realized she had just passed out.
"I'm going to have to apologize to him soon," she stated as she stood up. "I didn't mean to worry him."
"You have been acting out of sorts the whole way back," he said with a sigh. "I think I know why too. Look, I heard what Bianca said. Don't worry about it, okay?"
"I'm pretty sure you don't know why that upset me," she informed him, hoping he'd drop it and leave her alone. Right now she was more interested in getting out of her armor, eating dinner and slipping away to take a hot bath, not wade through her feelings again.
"It's pretty common," he stated. "Look, you're a leader now. Everything that goes wrong gets attributed to you, but everything that goes wrong lands on your shoulders too. Things haven't always gone right for us. It's normal to get upset when things go wrong and you worry about those under your charge getting hurt. I should have said something to Bianca about-"
"I hate her," Ellana confessed suddenly. She couldn't stand another word about her leadership. She didn't want Varric to see her as a leader, or that her problems all came from that. Dammit, she cared about him. Even before it had been love, she'd wanted him to know she wanted him as a friend and not yet another follower. She suddenly felt jealous over Hawke, a lucky woman who had probably never had to work so hard for his friendship.
Varric faltered at that. Clearly that had been the wrong thing to say, but it had gotten him to stop talking. Probably a feat in and of itself. Still, the hurt in his eyes stung. He probably expected her to begin dressing him down, telling him off for allowing his former lover to do something like this, risk the Inquisition and everything else. He was probably ready to hear all sorts of stupid accusations, not that she had anything to say down that line.
"She did what she thought was right," the elf said, wanting to get the good things out of the way first. Easier that way. Mad her feel less guilty about all of this. "She wanted to help you and Bartrand. I've never even had a sibling, much less lost one in such a way. It's hard and a powerful motivation for such things. I... I don't blame her for wanting to help out, especially considering how much she cares about you. I don't know your past... and honestly don't expect you to ever share it. It's none of my business. That's... that's why I hate her."
"I'm sorry. I'm a little lost here. What in Andreste's ass cheeks are you talking about?" he asked her.
She rubbed at her face and wondered if she really wanted to do this. Confess and get shot down, or refuse and leave him in the dark. She couldn't blame the mission anymore, and if she put it on Bianca it would only hurt him.
Maybe she still wanted to grab the other woman and show her just who'd be force-fed eyeballs in a fight between them, but she didn't want to cause Varric even a moment of emotional grief. She'd heard other women clambering for his attention and how easily he could laugh it off. This wouldn't be so tough on him. He'd relax, laugh, say he was flattered and maybe tell her in another life he wouldn't have minded trying. Then she'd smile and feel smitten by him all over again before realizing she needed to move on.
She just had to be an adult and admit the truth.
"Varric," she said as she turned away from him and rested against the wall. She peered out over the courtyard, watching the fires burn merrily and the people down there. So much was riding on all of this. Confessing her feelings would be easy in comparison. "I'm not mad at her about the Lyrium. Maybe I should be, but I'm not. In fact, the sight of you two arguing, I hated it. Not because I wanted to defend her. By the Dread Wolf, I thought you were right about everything, but I didn't like you being mad at her."
"This is only confusing me more, I hope you know that, hon," he informed her. "There's a point right?"
"Of course there's a point. Sorry, I'm not a story teller like you do," she said with a soft smile. Same old Varric.
"Darn right. Your pacing is awful."
"Well, then I'll just say it," she informed him as she straightened up. "I'm in love with you, Varric. I don't know when it happened, but I know what I feel and I know why. I admire you. Everything about you is a treat and I don't ever want to see you hurt. That's why I was upset. I was angry at her, because her mistake had upset you, maybe even put you in danger and then she said if anything happened to you it would be my fault. I... I hated her. I wanted to yell at her, scream and say every nasty thing I could think of, and trust me it was a lot.
"I'm not proud of it. In fact, I think it was very petty of me. As your leader only, I would have let it go as a woman who was just trying to alleviate her own guilt. As someone who couldn't bare to see you hurt... If I told her it was her fault, it only would have gotten you mad at me and I couldn't bear the thought. I felt powerless and pathetic, for the simple fact she had you before I even met you."
She didn't glance back at him, though the silence was a little stifling. She chewed on her lip in nervousness but didn't move or turn to see his reaction. The fact he wasn't saying anything was bad enough.
"This is where you're supposed to laugh and let me down easy," she informed him.
"Inquisitor..."
"Please don't call me that," she said, hanging her head in defeat. Nothing could ever be easy. Usually she rolled with the punches easier than this. Couldn't he even reject her the right way? It wasn't like her to get so upset like this. "I have a name, you know. I'm a person, not a symbol."
She felt herself getting mad all over again. Maybe it had just been a long time coming. Maybe she needed to vent after all, no matter how illogical she knew it to be. Maybe she just needed to be mad. She turned to him suddenly, about to ask him just to forget it because if he didn't walk away now she'd say something awful to him, but it died in her throat at the look on his face.
He looked guilty, and damn her for making him look that way.
"This really is the part where you're supposed to laugh," she said softly, her tone almost pleading with him. "I expected you to tell me no from the very beginning. Not once have I ever thought I could have you. I'm not expecting anything out of you. I just wanted to be let down easy."
"I don't think I've ever had a woman ask me to do that before," he admitted. "Though Hawke made it way easier somehow."
She blanched.
"You and Hawke?" she asked weakly. How many woman had gotten his heart before her?
He laughed and shook his head.
"Gotcha," he said with a wink. "No, we joked about it, but by that time she was long involved with Fenris. I mean, they were on their three year break by that point, but she and I talked about it. It was all in jest though. Hell, most of the time it comes up with women it's all just jokes. I don't get real confessions left, right and sideways after all."
She found herself smiling a little. She could hear the fact he was saying no, but his lighthearted nature was making it much easier. It hurt yes, but it hurt a lot less than it could.
"For what it's worth, Ellana, you're a good woman," he said with a shrug. "I don't know if that helps though."
"It... It does actually," she informed him after a moment before she leaned over and kissed his cheek. "It helps a lot. Trust me."
"So we were going to get a game of Wicked Grace going," he mentioned, and she was glad for it. Best not to dwell. "Would you like to warm up and join us? I promise to keep the gold stealing from you to a minimum."
"I don't know the game," she admitted.
"That's why I'll go easy on you."
She chuckled a bit and nodded her head. She could use the company of the others right now. It had been a heartbreak that had been hard, but it could be okay if she let it be.
"Sure," she said. "If I stay up here any longer Cullen is going to get even more worried."
"Here in the cold?" he asked. "Yeah, I can't imagine why in the world he would have been concerned."
"I know. He's probably going to get on me for this. I'll have to make it up to him. Do you think saving the world will be a good make up gift?"
"Couldn't hurt."
"Look, Varric, I want to say thank you," she confessed. "I know this whole thing is a little awkward, but I appreciate everything. This might sound terribly cliché, but I'm still happy to have known you. If you ever don't want to be here anymore, I... I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I just feel so foolish about all this. Can I have a moment? I'll be down in a second. I just need to collect myself I think."
Varric said nothing, but he seemed to get it or at least the gist of it. He nodded slowly and left her alone to look down once again at the grounds of Skyhold. She was still cold and sad, everything still chewing away at her, and she didn't feel any better. She'd thought it would help, getting it all in the open.
It had a little but not enough.
"I'll face it tomorrow," she told herself as she ran a hand over her thick, black braided hair. "There's always tomorrow."
Because if nothing else came of this, she'd make sure of that at least. Thedas wouldn't discover her people's involvement in the orb. She'd be the hero, pretend to be more than just a hunter from a small little Dalish clan who might have just stumbled onto saving the world. She'd beat the odds and make sure there would be no Exalted March against her people. If it meant being Andreste's Herald or tool then she'd just have to accept it. There were worse lives than the one she'd been given.
Still, for a moment she found herself wondering how nice it might have been to have had Bainca's, at least for a little while.
#-#
They'd won. Ellana could still barely believe it. It felt like wading in a dream, one she kept expecting to wake up from. It felt a little empty. Solas was gone, and she didn't know why. Something about the things he'd said had been so... ominous, but like Leliana had said, it was a time for celebration. Thanks to the Inquisition, there would be another tomorrow to worry about everything else. It felt nice.
She was so happy she didn't even worry about the promise of more nobles wanting to meet her, or everyone clambering to talk and meet with her. She accepted the thanks, congratulations, claps on the backs, offers of drinks, and bowing. She was already making plans of going home. Mother Giselle had told her how the Inquisition had put the sword away when the time of fighting was over, and that's exactly what she planned to do.
She'd saved the world, ended the threat, and maybe history would think of her as some holy savor for a religion she didn't even believe in but for her life she'd do exactly as she wanted now. She felt the world owed her that much. If the nobles wanted to find her, they could track her down in the Free Marshes.
It was actually easy to slip away from the party, more so than she'd figured. Everyone was so joyous to talk to each other after she'd said a few words to some people that it hadn't been hard to get to the hallway leading to her room.
With a sigh, she sat down on her bed and fell backwards on her mattress. Half-made escape plans were already forming in her head, ideas on how to get away and half of them included a rope out the window. Solas had run. Why couldn't she? It would be interesting to see if Leliana could find her in the wilderness.
"I've been starting to think about putting all of this into a book," a voice stated in the quiet of the room, making her sit up immediately. Varric was at the door, looking pretty relaxed, a mug of beer in each hand. "What do you think of, 'This Shit is Weird. The Inquisitor and Our Story'? It's a working title."
"I'm glad you've gone back to writing," she said softly, wondering why he was here. She'd barely been able to find him amongst all the people at the party. Had he come to find her?
"Well, nothing is certain until it's in print. I still haven't decided if I should do this book. As if anyone would believe this story if I told it," he said with a soft chuckle.
"I always liked the unbelievability of your stories," she admitted. "When I first met you, I thought you had a way of making the world much more magical than what it was. Maybe more noble too."
"Why, thank you. I'll keep that in mind when I write about you then," he said, though when she made a face he only laughed more. "Want me to tell the version where you hated the Maker and never wanted any of this?"
"No, I believe in the Maker... in my own way. I don't think gods are as strict as some would believe. If we care and do what is needed, then do they honestly care what we call them?" she asked. "Why can't the Maker be just an elven god who was twisted in his or her meaning by fanatics and only wanted things right again?"
"Interesting way to look at it. I don't think Seeker would agree, but in the end of the day, what you think matters," he said as he approached her bed and handed her the drink. "So, how do you want me to write it? The ending has to have some punch, you know."
"Just write the truth about my feelings on the matter," she said. "Say I did it for good reasons, but those reasons aren't what everyone assumes. It's all I can ask. Even if that's the only book that says it. Though feel free to lie about my escape. Maybe you can say I found the last griffon in the world and rode if off back to the Free Marches. Bound to be more exciting than anything I'll actually do."
"You're planning to run?" he asked with an eyebrow arched in surprise.
"Not immediately, but soon," she admitted. "The threat is over, and I have no desire to play politics anymore. The world doesn't need me to get on alright. People just need to wake up and stop all the silly bickering. No Dalish elf is going to be accepted trying to dictate how humans should conduct themselves, and I don't want to make them think they have to."
"You know, it's a shame," he said as she began to drink down her mug. "I was sort of hoping the ending would include a spicy love scene with a dwarf before the pair went back to Kirkwall, or would that be too egotistical on the writer's part?"
She choked on her beer, barely keeping from spitting it out all over the floor, and it burned when it finally went down, though not as much as her face was at the moment. She stared at him when he smirked, and damn him for looking so delicious she couldn't even get irritated with his cockiness.
"W-what?" she sputtered. "What are you talking about?"
"This is kind of reminding me a bit of Broody," he admitted, and Ellana had to do a quick calculation in her head to remember that name referred to the elf by the name of Fenris, someone even she didn't think she wanted to meet any time soon. "Waiting so long, I mean. I wasn't ready for a confession back then, and it feels damn stupid to come back now that it's all said and done."
"Why?" she asked softly.
"Ellana, babe, there is so much work left to do I don't even want to think about it," he admitted. "Looking at it though, there's a lot I haven't faced up to yet. You know Bianca and I have been talking by letter for fifteen years? I'm the head of my family, in a guild that likes to gut people over profits and I have a brother who... well, I don't know if he'll ever be better. Even if you take out all the world saving and relief effort needed in Kirkwall alone, I've got a lot to do and fix. There hasn't been a lot of time for me and what I want lately, and because of it I haven't seen-"
"If you say 'what's been right in front of you this whole time', I think I'm going to call you drunk and kick you out," she warned. "Those kind of lines work on Cassandra but I'm not a sucker for the cliches like she is."
"You think a world made of bullshit heroics is better than one that is only slightly heroic with a hole in the sky," he said with a smile. "Don't tell me you don't like that stuff."
She blushed a bit and had to admit he had a point.
"Maybe, but don't start using cliché lines anyone could say. Tell me how you feel for real," she whispered.
"Like a damn fool for not noticing your feelings, and then not letting myself honestly consider it," he admitted. "You're a good woman. You're smart and kind, and while I'm not much for taller woman, I can't say I find your figure something to sneer at. I've clung to the complicated shit too long. It's about time I just do something to make me happy. I know it's not exactly a sweet love confession, but when I tried that you-MFFF!"
She'd decided he'd talked enough, and the mugs fell to the floor as she tackled and kissed him. The beer was no doubt staining the carpets, but she didn't really care. She just wanted to kiss him and be done with it.
The hands suddenly grabbing her arms wasn't expected, nor was being thrown to the bed as Varric climbed over her. She swallowed a lump in her throat, feeling shocked by all of this.
"It's not a dream, right?" she asked him.
"You dream of me?" he asked as he began unbuttoning her shirt.
"All the time," she croaked.
"I'm flattered."
Turned out flattery got her exactly what she wanted as he bent down and kissed her again. Part of her was still sure this couldn't be real but no dream had ever felt this good. Slender fingers went to his red shirt, slipping into the opening and tracing over his chest. Soft hair greeted her seeking touch, and she heard a distinct groan when she traced over his nipples.
"Babe-"
"You're so hairy," she mewled in interruption, her face flushed. "I've never been with anyone like this before. Is it like this everywhere?"
"You show me yours, and I'll show you mine," he offered as he opened her shirt and palmed one of her breasts. His leather gloved felt crisp and rough against her skin, but she loved it. The sensations were all new to her, and she felt almost like this was her first time again as he lifted up her legs to unlace her boots and toss them aside before taking off her breeches as well. She looked up at him as he stared down at her body, total bare and unhidden, and for the first time since this start of this Varric looked like he'd lost a little control.
"You don't wear smallclothes?" he asked softly.
"Not many Dalish bother with it, no," she admitted, feeling a little empowered by the look she was receiving. "At least not in my clan. I didn't even wear shoes until the Conclave, trying to fit in and all that."
She spread her legs a little and let him see, feeling very pleased with herself when he nearly choked. She was bare for him, naked and smooth, ever inch of her.
"Do you like it?" she whispered softly. The way he was looking at her made her ego swell. This alone had been worth the wait, though she was sure if he tried to stop here she'd grab him and make him stay.
"Very much so," he groaned. He untied his sash and quickly tossed it on the floor before his gloves and coat followed. Just as he was about to start on his shirt, he was distracted by the feel of her knees rubbing up against his hips, making little circles against him until her legs wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer.
"Varric," she breathed softly. "I love you. That's alright to say, right?"
"Yes," he hissed in answer. "Maker, yes that's alright to say."
"Good," Ellana replied before her hips bucked up right into his crotch and made him grunt at the sudden feeling of intense heat from her core. "I have a feeling I'll be saying it often tonight, all night. You don't mind, I hope?"
He had a feeling even if he did, it wouldn't matter. She began unlatching the few clasps he bothered with on his shirt to reveal his more of his skin. His hair only got thicker down by his pants and she ran her fingers over it while he watched her lick her lips, actually lick her fucking lips, in eagerness.
"Holy shit," he groaned. "You look like you're about to eat my alive."
"And yet your still on top and in control," she informed him with a giggle before he took her hands and gently kissed her fingertips. "Varric?"
"It's not about control," he whispered before he sunk down on top of her. He couldn't kiss her lips quite like this, but it was the perfect position to find her breasts right at eye level. A squeak escaped her as his tongue flicked out and lapped at her breasts. For all her assertiveness, suddenly she seemed perfectly happy to let him do as he liked. Her back arched as his lips closed around her nipple and began to such softly while his hips began to move against her body, rubbing at her. She sighed and whined, shivering happily against him.
"What is it about then?" she asked breathlessly.
"Not sure yet, but whatever it is, I like it," he answered her before kissing right over her beating heart. One of his hands went down to unbuckle his belt and he wasn't surprised when she started to push his pants off with her legs. It was a bit of a struggle to get them off with his boots and socks, but the look of admiration he earned from her was more than worth it.
"You're very thick... and so much hair," she whispered in awe. "Nothing like the men of my clan. Is this normal for a dwarf?"
"This might surprise you, but I'm not nearly popular enough to go around and check with other men, in or out of my race," he said teasingly as he took her small hand, calloused by all her sword fighting, and led it right to where he wanted so badly to be touched. "Go ahead. Do whatever you want."
She bit her lip and nodded, slowly closing her hand around him and stroking him gently. Her touch was feather light, but still damn pleasing to him and he didn't bother to give her direction, just let her touch as she wished to. He'd heard male elves were just as hairless as the females, and he could only figure that they were like the rest of their bodies were, thin but long. This would certainly be different for her, and he was determined to make her enjoy it. From the look in her eyes though, he didn't think it would take much.
He really hadn't expected her confession. As much as he joked about being good with woman, he didn't think he gave off the vibe of serious potential for a partner. Yet this woman wanted him, not just for a night but seemingly forever. It was certainly nice after fifteen years of being tempted by a woman he knew he shouldn't even be in the same room with, much less touch.
Varric loved Bianca, always would in some way, but it would be downright foolish not to take a chance on some happiness for himself.
Ellana looked up at him, seeing him lost in thought and leaned in, kissing him softly. The position was a little awkward, but the surprised look he gave her was worth it.
"Hey, come back to me," she whispered, stroking his face with her hands. "Unless you have something else you'd rather keep yourself busy with?"
"Heh. Not on your life, babe," he assured her before giving her the attention she deserved. His fingers drifted down over her stomach, tracing nonsensical little patterns over her skin before they sunk even lower. The sight of her mouth falling open with a little gasp was reward enough when his fingers wiggled into her wet cavern, curling inside of her and making her whimper.
"You like this?" he asked her huskily, and she couldn't even answer, her teeth sunk into the flesh of her bottom lip as she nodded jerkily. So little and she was already loosing control? "You must have really needed this."
"Desperately," she confessed. "There are so many people here. Hard to get any privacy sometimes."
"I can imagine, and you haven't had any attention from anyone else. I would have noticed," he stated.
"You were watching me?" she asked him, her face flushed. "Concerning that?"
"I kept expecting you to end up doing something with someone, before you told me anyway," he admitted. "Interest was purely for the book."
"The book you don't even know if you'll write? UGH! Oh, by the Dread Wolf... that's not... fair," she panted after a particularly well placed thrust of his fingers.
"No sassing the dwarf," he warned her with another twist of his fingers that made her buck her hips with a whine. "You're no good at sarcasm anyway."
She didn't argue him, too busy moving her hips to his ministrations as her hands gripped the sheets and the pillow her head was resting on. She couldn't stop the funny feeling that flooded her stomach and made her see stars. Her body was getting so warm, like liquid heat was pooling in from her nether regions.
"Varric... oh please, Varric," she gasped out as he played her like an instrument. Sweat was beginning to collect over her body and she writhed as he licked it up off of her taunt stomach and quivering breasts. She was desperate for his attention, eager for more, even greedy for it. Somehow he had turned her into a quivering mess with only a few minutes of effort. She couldn't stop moving, even if she had wanted to, and every second worth of movement of his fingers pushed her even further, made her beg for more. The hotter it felt, the more shameless she became, no longer thinking rationally about how she must look to him like this or what would happen if someone walked in because she had become so loud. "Oh by the gods above, I love you!"
Her orgasm made her scream out her confession all over again, but he didn't stop. Not exactly anyway. Somehow her legs found their way over his shoulders and she was crying out even louder. The feel of his stubble against her wet skin was divine, almost as much as his tongue pushed inside of her and lapped away at her body. How could this feel so good? How could anything feel so wonderful as this?
It was like a desire demon was in her dreams, making her feeling things she knew should be impossible and yet was so wonderfully real. She covered her face with her hands and sobbed as another orgasm ripped through her, the pleasure relentless and yet he still didn't stop.
"Varric!" she cried out, her toes curling as he continued to fuck her with his tongue. Every name of all her gods dripped from her lips and she whined out and she pivoted her hips to actually feel more. The feeling of his hair scratching her was driving her insane, and still she couldn't bare it if he had stopped. It was like a terrible beast was clawing at her, holding her down, but she was clinging just as desperately as if she was afraid to be let go of.
It wasn't until her third did he finally give her peace. She felt his gaze and met it shakily, and he had all the confidence befitting a man who'd made a woman scream to all her creators in only minutes. The look in his eyes fascinated her and gave her a feeling of both fear and excitement when he took a hold of her ankles and straightened up, her legs held up in the air and his intention all too clear.
"Are you ready?" he asked her, the glistening juices on his lips making her quiver in delight.
"Do you love me?" she asked him hopefully.
"I'm sure going to fucking try to," he replied honestly and she nodded her head.
"Then yes. I'm ready," she breathed.
The sensation was unlike anything she had felt before. Even sex with other men, this just felt different. Maybe it was the difference in body type, or maybe it was the way her love for him made her heart beat so much faster in her chest, but she had never felt anything so wonderful before. The feel of him inside of her body, the heat enveloped in her core as he moved inside of her, the look of pleasured concentration of his face as he moved, it was all magnificent to her and her adoration for him only grew.
She knew she wouldn't last long, her body already sensitive due to his earlier actions. It was hard just to think, and he was showing her no mercy. Every thrust was met with a deeper moan and silent prayer this would go on forever. He just felt so good, so wonderful, so unlike anything she'd ever experienced. Tears stung her eyes as the pleasure began to be too much for her and she screamed to the heavens as her walls of resistance broke down and she lost herself in the waves of sensations rocking at her body.
The feeling of his seed pouring into her as he yelled a bit himself before stilling inside of her barely registered in her mind. Ellena had just had the most beautiful and mind blowing sex she could ever imagine, all thanks to Varric. She still expected to wake up, to see him gone and she was simply asleep under her blankets and wishing vainly for what had just happened.
He didn't disappear though, no matter how long she stared at him. He didn't fade away or leave, and the feeling of contentment washed over her as he eased down into the bed. She curled up against him and he didn't push her away, instead curled an arm around her and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
"That was... nice," she whispered to him as her fingers ran over his chest. A smile crept onto her lips as he gave a chuckle, the feel of his body shaking a bit against her every bit as nice as the sound was.
"You were very nice yourself," he informed her. "You always this receptive?"
"Only when it feels this good," she answered. "Do you think anyone in the hall heard?"
"Even if they didn't, they'll know soon enough. No way I could leave something this juicy out of my book."
She laughed along with him and hugged him even tighter. She wasn't sure if he was teasing or not, but if the price to have him was letting him brag via book over the fact they were now an item, she'd gladly pay it.
"So, about your daring escape?" he asked her after they'd both calmed down. The faint noises of the party drifted up into the room, letting her know things were getting into full swing downstairs, but she paid it little mind. All she really cared about at the moment was what was in this room. "Are you really going to go now?"
"You mean, after this happened?" she asked him. "In my opinion it's all the more reason to leave. After all, you're not going to stay, are you?"
"No. It's enough responsibility to take care of my own interests, much less everyone else's mess. I wasn't joking when I said I had a million things waiting for me back in Kirkwall, and I still don't think Hawke feels comfortable enough to go back there in order to help out. Honestly, she'll probably try to find Fenris or help the Grey Wardens get their crap together. It's going to be a busy time for everyone, and I've got to handle my own corner of the world too."
"I have such an urge to run away, to flee from all of it," she confessed. "I've done my part, right? Do you think I should stay?"
"You know the truth?" he asked her. "She asked the exact same thing after the whole Templar and mage fiasco. She wanted to run and never look back, yet she wondered if she could stay and help. She ran to keep an Exalted March from happening. She based her decision on what she could do to help most. I told her to go for it, not for fear of what would happen if she stayed but because of what she wanted. Kirkwall was starting to weigh her down, make her sick with stress and worry. I guess she would have stayed if she thought she had to no matter what I said, but I'm still going to tell you the same thing. If you don't want to stay, than don't. You've done way more than what could have been expected of you. Do something for yourself now."
"I did plan to go back home, to my clan," she admitted. "If they would have still taken me. I'm not sure now. After everything that happened, I might be a target for them. I do want to see them again, maybe fall away into obscurity and never have to hear myself called Herald again."
"Will you?" he asked. He looked almost pensive. "I mean if this has been it and I came too late to honestly expect it to have been more than a one time thing than I understand. I mean... well, I guess I understand. It wouldn't be fair to expect anything else."
"Varric," she whispered, pushing her face into his chest. "Don't look at me with that sad expression. I feel guilty whenever you do. How could you even ask if you came too late. If my feelings for you had died I would have said so the second you suggested this."
"So then-"
"I want to be with you," she assured him. "I don't know how I would do in a city though. I still want to go home first. I don't expect you to come with me to see my clan, but I can certainly go to Kirkwall afterward. It will be easier to hide away in the woods though. I hope you're prepared to hide me from the others."
"I'm sure I can figure something out," he said with a grin. "After all, I'm good at misdirecting Chantry members when they come snooping around for heros."
It would be more difficult to hide, she knew that. She'd never even been to Kirkwall, much less ever considered moving there. To go into the city seemed like a dangerous choice to her. If she was found would she be taken back? Would her advisers accept she wanted to be left alone if they came looking for her and found her.
She couldn't imagine him living in the woods though, away from taverns, card games, profits and everything else city life had to have to entice him. The thought of him with the rest of her fellow hunters trying to set up a tent was too cute to consider seriously. He'd no doubt be asking for ale and reciting outrageous tales by the end of the first day. She imagined she would make him visit though, someday but that was far into the future.
"So, we run for it in the middle of the night after everyone else is passed out drunk?" she suggested.
"Sounds like a plan to me," he said with a grin. "For now, we just enjoy the bed. We have the rest of our lives to haggle out the happily ever after bit."
"Happily ever after," she noted. "I don't think any of your tales have ended that way before."
"Well, here's to hoping this one does."
She smiled softly and kissed his chest before she sent a silent prayer to whoever was listening, be it Andreste and the Maker, the elven gods, or maybe even the dwarven ones that it would be.
The End
Well, I hope everyone enjoys reading this as much as I did writing it. It's always nice to have a good ending, and to be perfectly frank Varric really needs one. The one shot was a bit longer than I had anticipated, but I feel I got everything in it that I wanted to without it dragging on for too long.
If you found it a fun read, please review. I'm always eager to hear from fellow fans.