Don't Let Me Die Here
(Author's Note: Characters below to Bioware)
He deteriorated far quicker than we had anticipated. It seemed to me we were just in my room talking, my head resting gently on his lap as he spoke of his past, taught me numerous passages from his scriptures, teaching me of the many gods and goddesses that he prayed to every day. And then before I could even have time to prepare, he collapsed on a recon mission on Illium, having insisted on helping me after he had been with Miranda and I when we completed the mission months ago. Watching the man I love fall to the ground behind me, Miranda's worried shouts of my name calling my attention behind to see him sprawled there. For a moment I thought he had stopped breathing all together, my heart leaping in my chest, hardly able to comprehend everything as I pulled him off the floor, frantically wiping stray dirt from his cheek. I faintly remember Miranda calling for assistance when I was too busy trying to coax Thane awake, but nothing I did would rouse him.
For the first time in my life, I felt helpless.
Now, there I stood, watching him sleep in the medbay with an oxygen mask over his face, IV drips stabbing into his arms. He looked pitiful and a far cry from the stealth expert that I knew him to be. I watched as his chest fell erratically with each struggled breath he took. Was I selfish for wanting to prolong his suffering just so I could have a few lingering moments with him? I have never been good at relationships or being alone with my emotions. As I watched him lying there, I felt my chest heave and my eyes swell up. I went into this doomed relationship knowing how it would end. Yet, perhaps there was a part of me that wished that there was a way. Some miracle could happen, so that it didn't have to end this way. I realize now more than ever than I don't want this. This wasn't the way he wanted me to remember him, yet leaving his side wasn't an option. I knew my feelings ran deeper than I let on, but I never thought I could need another person the way I need him.
I don't want him to die.
It was in that moment that his black eyes shifted open, his gaze falling on me as he reached an outstretched hand to me, his webbed middle fingers dipping closer toward his palm as he beckoned softly, "siha." I didn't hesitate as I walked to his side, my pale hand reaching for his upper arm as I slid it over his familiar flesh. It was smooth, soft like it always was. My throat was dry as I attempted to speak, the dehumidifier in the room sucking the moisture out of the air, making it harder for me to talk. It was a vain attempt to prolong the inevitable. "come closer." he whispered to me, his words muffled slightly by the mask over his face. I did as he asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed so my upper body could hover above his ever so slightly. his hand found my side as he ran it over the shirt I was wearing. He took in a deep, shuddered breath as he reached to pull the mask off. I tried to replace it, but he stopped me. "I don't want to die like this." He said softly, his eyes connecting with mine. I didn't know what to say as I continued to stroke the side of his face, my fingertips memorizing the intricate lines. He looked away, his lips parted as he thought of what to say next. I watched intently as tears welled in his own eyes before he finally looked back at me.
"siha, don't let me die here." He croaked and that was when I finally allowed the tears in my eyes to fall, having been fighting them for too long. I whimpered as I shook my head, my hand moving from his face to his chest, almost as if I were attempting to change his mind. Where could I take him? "Thane, please—" I began, the knot in my throat halting any further speech, his hand reaching up to wrap around my wrist, his thumb stroking the skin. "Please." He practically begged me, my eyes forced to meet his. I then found myself nodding to him, my hand went up to rest against his face before I rose from the bed. I look to the machines that were sustaining him, my chin quivering as I grunted. I pressed the buttons, turning the machines off as Thane forced himself into a sitting position, yanking the IVs out of his flesh and pulled the mask off entirely. He coughed harshly, his eyes latching onto the dehumidifier in the room before he finally stood to his feet, his towering frame hovering above mine as he grabbed my arm. "Prep a shuttle." He requested and I just nodded, my gaze lifting to his as he reached for his clothing.
Dr. Chakwas wasn't thrilled when she saw Thane stepping out of the medbay, his eyes locking on hers for a moment before we left, making our way to the airlock. It was as if we were walking to the death march, each Normandy crew member staring as he passed. Even Kelly stared at us as she shook her head, almost as if she were begging Thane herself, begging him not to do this. As we reached the airlock, Joker's somber voice ripped the silence.
"Shuttle secure, Commander. Thane," He paused, causing Thane to lift his head to look toward the cockpit. "It's been an honor fighting with you." Thane nodded his head in response, before he moved to enter the shuttle. I locked eyes with Joker who gave me a pained expression but I just lowered my gaze then followed Thane into the shuttle. We landed on Terra Nova in the Asgard system, landing closer to the equator so it was warmer, but I could still handle it. I watched from the shuttle's door as Thane jumped down onto the ground, his eyes scanning the dry land before him. He closed his eyes, inhaling the dry air. It was the first deep breath he took that didn't tax him. "Almost like Rakhana." He muttered to himself before he turned to me, lifting his hand to me once again. I moved off the shuttle, taking his hand in mine before he pulled me tightly into his arms. My face rested against his chest, my hands latching onto his back. We stood there in the hot air, not letting go of each other for anything. He attempted to shield me from his coughing fits, but I wasn't a fool. I ran my hands down his back slowly, hoping it would help him a bit.
We stayed there for hours, staring at Terra Nova's sun, knowing that Thane was finally feeling the peace he wasn't while laying in that medbay. But that meant I needed to prepare. I felt him slump a bit as he leaned his head against my lap this time. We had traded places now, his hand gripping my arm tighter than I expected, causing me to jolt forward a bit as I looked down at him. "This is where I want to be." He said hoarsely. A part of me thought we should have contacted Kolyat, perhaps had him come here with us. To say their goodbyes, but I knew Thane wouldn't have it. This was his weakness and I was to be the only one to see it. I wrapped my arm across his chest, my hand latching onto his side. His hand then move to grab my arm again, holding me still as my other hand moved to rest against his head. I stroked his skin gently, feeling his body start to quake with each cough he made. I stared straight ahead, listening to Thane's lung capacity reader spike, signaling that his lungs were about to collapse.
"I love you, siha." He choked, tears trembling down his face as he gripped my arm even tighter. I nodded vigorously, tears swelling in my own eyes. "I love you." I whispered back to him, feeling him relax in my arms a bit, despite his coughing fit. I listen as he spoke hoarsely between fits, reciting a drell scripture, committing himself to the sea. I whimpered as I grip him tighter in my arms, his hand tightening on my arm. "I'll be waiting for you." He whispered to me and that was when his reader screeched at us, his lungs collapsing. He choked softly, trying to breathe, but failing.
"I'm coming for you, I promise." I whispered to him in the last moment, his hand gripping at my promise before it loosened. His hand fell from my arm, smacking to the dry dirt below us. Tears streamed down my face as my lips fell open, a choked gasp leaving me as I held him in my arms. He was dead weight, his life lifting away from me as I felt him sink against me. "Thane?" I whispered to him, but I got no response back. I don't understand why I called out to him when I knew the truth. I shrieked as I shook my head, denial creeping into my chest as I shook him slightly. My arm was still firm across his chest, my hand tightening on his side. "Thane-?" The urgency rising in my throat as I slowly looked down at him, his eyelids shut, his mouth open slightly. I shook my head, tears flooding down my face.
"Thane!" I screamed out to him before I pulled him harder against my chest, resting my face against his head. It was in that moment that I let go, let the walls crumble around me and I let myself feel the agony as it clutched at my chest and ripped it open. I sobbed, my body trembling as I clutched the body of the drell — the man — I loved. For months, I dreaded this day, and as I laid immersed in it, what I wouldn't give to have the same gift and curse the drell possessed. I longed to lose myself in the vivid memories I had with him, the moments in which I held so dear to me now. I cradled his head in my hand, staring down at him as my tears dripped down from my chin and onto him. I then leaned down, letting my lips fall on his forehead gently. I knew my life was only about to get worse, the appending Reaper invasion looming in the back of my mind. Yet now I didn't have the one person who I knew could get me through it. I was alone again. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be for me from now on. For always.
I re-boarded the Normandy, my eyes red and alone as I walked my way back to the elevator. No one dared look at me, no one but Kelly. She reached out to me, her hand grazing my arm. I brushed her off, however, my hand pushing hers away from me. "Jacob has the ship." I whispered to her and with that, the doors of the elevator shut behind me. I would be human for a day, I think I deserve that much.