"I hate you," Kanda says for the millionth time since they first met. Allen just gives him a halfhearted glare, a mere shadow of the looks he once gave the other Exorcist.
He hates those horribly fake smiles that belong to Allen.
He hates how Allen loves everyone, whether they are human, Akuma, or even Noah.
He hates Allen's stupid martyr complex.
"I hate you so much." Allen doesn't say a word, not even when Kanda weakly presses his fist against his jaw in some sort of mockery of a punch.
He hates seeing Allen struggle to hold onto himself.
He hates how peaceful Allen used to look when he slept, and how he now wears a pained expression even when he's out cold.
He hates that he understands what Allen's feeling and going through.
"I really, really hate you."
He hates the worry that makes it hard for him to breathe whenever anything happens to Allen.
He hates knowing that no matter what he does, Allen will never feel the same way about him.
He hates the way Allen looks at him.
And then Allen, of all things, smiles that heartbreakingly broken smile of his, and Kanda just can't take it anymore.
He hates that Allen got involved in his fight with Alma.
He hates the fact that Allen saved him by interfering that day.
He hates that because of Allen, he found closure.
"I hate you more than I hate the Akuma, the Earl, the Noah, the Order, myself…!"
He hates Allen's ability to forgive everyone but himself.
He hates that he can't lie to Allen, but at the same time is unable to tell him the truth.
He hates that he wants to fix Allen.
It's not a lie, because no matter how hard he tries, Kanda can't lie to him. But it isn't exactly the truth, either, because while he can't lie to Allen, he also can't be honest with him.
He hates how much he cares for Allen.
He hates loving Allen.
He hates everything.