THE EVENING LIGHT

A/N: I have started, wrote, rewrote, tossed away and cursed this fic over and over again for the past four years if not longer. I have become a better writer in the process (I hope) but the idea has not let go of me and I feel like if there is a story I need to write than it is this story. I have no update schedule, no next chapter written no nothing at the moment but I know one thing. This fic will get written. I hope you'll read along as I continue my struggle with this story.

Disclaimer: I own nothing JKR does

Necessary warning: Apart from obviously being my own interpretation of the characters and the canon this fic WILL put our beloved pair through a whole lot of messy, sometimes permanent pain. I like watching them suffer, you have been warned.

Also, I am working without a beta on this thing so all the mistakes are mine.

For the core four who believed in me: dust2dust-34. colubrina, ibuzoo, dissilusionist9

"Some tourists think Amsterdam is a city of sin, but in truth it is a city of freedom. And in freedom, most people find sin."

-John Green

"So wake me up when it's all over. When I'm wiser and I'm older"

-Avicii

Amsterdam was once again full of tourists. Severus Snape maneuvered himself in between a group of screaming kids scowling at all of them. The bag with apples he held hit one of the kids in the shin and she glared at him, opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again looking at him with narrowed eyes. Fuck you too. He had no time to deal with stupid tourists. He was lost. Truly and terribly lost for the first time in the three years that he had been in this city. Amsterdam was a delicately crafted maze and he had learned to navigate it quite quickly but now he had no idea what the street he was in was even called or where it would lead him.

He decided to follow it anyway, there was not much to it, at some point the canal he was currently following would bring him to something recognizable. The sun shone embarrassingly brightly for this late in august, dancing on the water next to him as if trying to taunt him into jumping. The air was filled with the coming of rain though and Snape had no desire to wait until it hit. He followed the canal until it brought him to an even busier street one filled with café's and shops. He cursed himself for not having a wand on him. A simple spell would have told him exactly where he was.

He was still deciding what to do about his situation when the world stopped. One minute he was looking around for something familiar, something to help him determine a way home, the next Hermione Granger was sitting in the café window across from him.

Recognizing her was painful. The bag fell from his hand and apples thumped everywhere, on the pavement, the biker's path and into the water behind him. Severus stood frozen, knowing that he needed to move and move fast before the girl looked up, but his mind had come to a halt providing him only with a line of single 'no' which was not very helpful. He wanted to run inside and shake the girl making her disappear. He was going to be sick. He shivered, tried to take his eyes away from her and found it impossible. There was no doubt that it was her. She was older, thinner, more weary looking but the bushy hair was the same as was the way she signaled the waiter waving her hand in the air impatiently.

He didn't recognize her companion, a blond girl, beautiful and cheery with no touch of war upon her. She turned towards the waiter and was smiling at him. Granger on the other hand looked exactly like war. He could see her tense, aware of his staring, her hand touched her side pocket and he knew it was where she kept her wand. She was sitting straight, her shoulders stiff and rigid commanding something out of the poor waiter in a way that made the man take a step back.

In his mind's eye Snape saw her covered in blood and dirt running from curses and firing her own, a child still but one that had forgotten how to be a child a long time ago. He saw her standing over him with the Weasley boy, a calculating look on her face at first, then one of horror as she saw all the blood. He saw her raise her wand, produce a flask from thin air and force it into Potter's shaking hands as he sat there dumbfounded and useless. He saw his memories being collected into that flask and remembered the feeling of freedom that had come over him then.

Snape realized his teeth were chattering and that he was shaking and forced himself to stop, forced the images out of his head and when the girl looked up and saw him he forced himself to run.

He ran until his sides hurt, unaware of anything around him except for the girl in the window and her eyes widening in what he knew to be recognition. He ran until he no longer could catch a breath, until his body hurt and he was forced to stop and sit on the ground and wait for his lungs to stop hurting. He looked around, now at least he knew where he was and he thanked his instincts for finally deciding to kick in and bring him here. His head felt remarkably clear for once, he forced away the memories that were threatening to overcome him again. It was an easy trick like picking up a bike after not having ridden it for a while. Occlumency was second nature to him and right now it was useful. He needed to think about what to do next and he couldn't think with Hermione Granger's face in his head.

He stood up and crossed the street. The building he was standing in front of looked rather unremarkable, crammed in between older and more beautiful looking ones but this building had a particular trait, it was partly invisible for muggles. To a muggle's eye the building just stopped as if it was cut in half. He had seen tourists and even locals walk around it often enough to see how the trick worked. Of course there was no trick to speak of, Amsterdam's magical community just didn't bother with hiding. Severus stepped inside and immediately bumped against the front desk behind which sat a portly looking greying wizard with an enormous mustache.

'Good afternoon how may I help you?' he asked in one breath without looking up from his paper. Besides the front desk the room consisted of a hallway with several doors of which half were closed. He could hear vacuuming behind one of the open doors. The room reminded him of the Beatles movie he saw as a child once, the one where the four members of the band ran around a corridor much like this one.

'I can use the flue network from here yes?' Severus asked trying to keep his voice level. The man behind the counter looked up and studied him.

'British?' he asked switching to English immediately 'If you want to contact your Ministry of Magic I would suggest the municipality, it's right here around the corner just use the wizarding entrance.' He glanced at Snape once more and then returned to his paper.

'No I want to call a private person.' Snape said, rolling his eyes at the man he hated the Dutch costume of switching to English as soon as they heard his accent. The portly wizard gave Snape an annoyed look, put away the newspaper and produced a wand.

'Let me check my list' he said. A wave of his wand and there a list was, the wizard unrolled it putting on glasses 'We have a number of private British citizens on the books here who would you wish to call upon?'

'The Malfoy residence.' Snape said waiting for the inevitable intake of breath. But the wizard merely continued to study his list.

'I'll need your name, sir' he said after a moment holding a finger at a particular place on the parchment 'To be able to place the call.'

'Brian Bishop'

'Very well mister Bishop, have you used our networks before you know how everything works?'

'I'll figure it out' Snape said 'I only have muggle money on me thought is that a problem?' He felt exposed, no magic money no wand just him in his old denims while the walls of this place closed in and somewhere Hermione Granger was ringing alarms. He closed his eyes, he needed only to breath, stay calm talk to Narcissa and see exactly how much trouble he was in. If he knew that he would also know how to act and perhaps this tightness in his chest would disappear.

'Not a problem mister Bishop' the wizard said. He had departed from his newspaper and list completely now his attention firmly on a paying costumer. A stupid costumer who didn't even change his money yet but a paying one none the less. Snape saw these thoughts pass on the man's face as he waited.

'I will place the call for you now would you like some coffee while you wait?'

'No thank you' Snape said.

He watched the wizard disappear and studied his surroundings. The exit was behind him which was a good thing, he could, if necessary, also try and go for the large window on his right. If the man returned having called Aurors and not Malfoy Manor there was at least one escape route he could try. Otherwise he would have to fight his way out which would be unfortunate.

'You can take the first cabin on your left' the wizard said returning with a cup in his hands. He placed it in front of him and buried himself in his newspaper again. Snape didn't move. After a moment the portly wizard looked up from his paper.

'Anything I can do for you sir?' he asked, annoyed.

'No' Snape said forcing himself to move. The wizard watched him across the hall to the first door on the left with a weary look now.

The room was empty apart from an old looking fireplace. The fire inside flared green when Snape closed the door behind him and Narcissa Malfoy's head appeared in the flames. She looked as beautiful as ever, healthy and radiating but her eyes were dull and as she regarded Severus he could see the lines in her face that were new and how they were making her look worried and haggard.

'You changed your name again' she said by way of greeting watching him 'I almost declined to take the call.'

'I'm glad you did take it' Snape said crouching down before the fire 'Perhaps you can enlighten me as to what the bloody hell Hermione Granger is doing here?'

Narcissa looked at him steadily 'Hermione Granger is in Amsterdam?'

'Yes.'

'You are certain?'

Snape rolled his eyes 'Stop playing games Narcissa, I don't know what you think you are gaining from this but we had a deal.'

This time he saw a flash of anger cross her face 'I am aware of our deal Severus, I can assure you the fact that Hermione Granger is in the same city as you is a mere coincidence that has nothing to do with me. This is unfortunate. Has the girl seen you?'

'A coincidence?' Snape asked 'You mean to tell me you didn't know? You?'

'Hermione Granger and myself are in different social circles' Narcissa said calmly 'I have no way of knowing what goes on inside that girl's mind nor do I need to know much about her. Fortunately enough. And what would I gain from telling her you are alive? What would I gain from telling anyone? I arranged your funeral, made certain your will was found. You are dead and for the sake of my son you need to remain dead.'

'For the sake of your son, you think I wouldn't do- You still think I have no care for Draco's interests?' e swallowed the rest of the words that were threatening to come to the service, mean words that would cost him this last connection to the wizarding world he had grown up in. How could she think he did not care for Draco?

'Is it money you need?' Narcissa asked, ignoring him.

'Money? When have I ever taken your money?' he knew he was shouting but there was no helping it.

Narcissa gave him a look that made him sixteen again, sixteen and sitting on Lucius's couch in his shabby second hand clothes.

'You said the girl saw you? That means you'll have to leave the city.'

Snape sighed 'You expect me to run.'

'I expect you to do the right thing. If you cannot be found the girl will yell about what she saw or what she thinks she saw for a little while and after that people will get on with their lives. I can discredit her quite thoroughly if the wrong people start believing her.'

'I won't run Narcissa' He was suddenly very calm, the tightness in his chest left and he could breath freely again marveling at how decision could change so much. He was not going to run because he was not a coward, Narcissa Malfoy should know that. It was clear, simple.

Narcissa stared at him from the flames, for a time neither said anything.

'Draco is getting married.'

'Congratulations.'

'He is excited' she said and he heard in her conversational tone the worry he had heard so often when Draco was a boy, climbing trees and falling off brooms. My son, my only son. She was not there yet but the lines in her face betrayed the start of that same panic. Severus stood and walked over to lean against the opposite wall forcing Narcissa to loop up art him.

'He is going get married Severus, he is going to have a party and watch a girl in a white dress walk towards him with her hair loose. He is going to take over the Mansion. He is going to raise his family in the same house he was raised in. What he is not going to do is testify at your trial. People are forgetting, they might even forgive. I will not risk everything because you are too proud to run from Hermione Granger. We had a deal. You stay dead and you stay the hell away from my son.'

'I assure you I have no wish of being the surprise guest at Draco's wedding' Snape said drily.

'Then do the right thing.'

'I have no wish to return to Britain either.'

'So you'll leave' there was suspicion in her voice rather than relive and Snape looked away from her.

'The girl might not wish to come after me' he lied.

There was no way Hermione Granger was going to let this go, no way she would stop looking, stop asking questions. But talking to Narcissa Malfoy had made Snape realize that seeing the girl was not coincidence at all. He had escaped his trial, ran from it like he had run from the hospital where they had wanted to close up his wounds and heal him from Nagini's venom and earlier he had run from Minerva, from the school, from the Dark Lord and from Lily. He had run all his life in a way, towards something and from something else.

The woman in the fire with her visions of the future had convinced him to stop.

It was time to take his punishment. He had no idea why that punishment would come in the form of a spiteful, angry muggle born witch but he could see the irony in that.

'Severus, please.'

He closed his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat. The calmness in his mind threated to give way and he took a moment strengthening the walls that were keeping it all at bay and thanking whatever gods there were for Occlumency. When he opened his eyes again Narcissa was staring at him.

'I can make life difficult for you Severus.'

He smirked 'What life Narcissa? I'm dead, as you said yourself it benefits everyone if I remain that way. I shouldn't have bothered you. The girl is a mere inconvenience I can see that now.'

She looked skeptical but he merely smiled. There was a knock on the door and another wizard younger this time with a bright crop of white blond hair stuck his head through the door.

'Your first ten minutes are up mister Bishop, I am supposed to warn you that the fee will go up if you continue the call.'

'It's fine' Severus said 'We were done anyway.'

'We were not' Narcissa said.

'We were. I told you I shouldn't have bothered you.'

The blond wizard looked form the head in the fire to the costumer and decided to follow the money.

'I'll sever the connection in a minute then.'

'I'll keep you informed' he said to the head in the fireplace and watched her disappear. He walked out paid the young man and wished the older one a pleasant day then stopped in the doorway.

'Can either of you tell me where I can buy copies of the Prophet? Old ones preferably from the last three years?'

The young man looked over to his colleague 'Municipally' the old man muttered looking up from his paper. The annoyance on his face was almost comical now.

'Thank you' Snape said. Outside it had started raining. He looked up at the angry sky and continued on his way to the Municipally, it couldn't hurt to know thy enemy so to speak. It would be interesting to see what Hermione Granger had been up to for the last three years the Prophet would give him that. He suddenly realized his hands were empty and made a mental note to also pick up more apples on the way home.