The Knight's Question.
Daniel was reading in his study. Well, technically, he picked up a book as he heard the gate. A man of education should read late into the night, but he had no good excuse, or none he could offer, for sitting in his study for hours listening for the sound of that gate.
The key in the lock was reassuring. The early return suggested disappointment, but at least Harry was reasonably sober and not at that stage of frustration at which he picked the lock, which couldn't be good for the mechanism.
The front door opened and closed and a wet coat flumped onto the balustrade. Fashionable young men did not use coat hooks when a stair rail was available, he had noticed.
Harry knocked on the door. "You still up, Daniel?" he said.
"Yes, come in." said Daniel.
He came, bringing much of the British weather in with him, the rain soaked into every stitch of his clothing, the wind sculpted in his disordered hair, the storm clouds in his eyes.
"Sit by the fire and dry off a bit." said Daniel.
"I thought you'd be in bed hours ago." said Harry, making his sodden way to the chair.
Daniel waved his literary excuse. "Poe, Harry. One doesn't rush Poe. To be honest, I thought you intended to be in bed hours ago too."
Harry grinned awkwardly. "I did, but she said a fairly firm goodnight. What am I doing wrong?"
"I know this will come as a blow to both you and Charles, but some women are just out of reach."
"Really? When were you last blown out by some beautiful woman?"
"It happens to me too, I assure you. Naturally, I prefer not to tell the world."
"When? Come on, give me a name and date. I bet it wasn't this year. Probably not this decade." said Harry.
"Women are complicated creatures, Harry." said Daniel.
"I can do complicated stuff. That three way sting yesterday ... "
"Stings are easy. Women tend not to be."
"Everyone else seems to manage just fine, including you, and you're ... well, you're not nineteen anymore, are you?"
"If all the long aeons in which I have been alive have taught me anything, it is when to make a move and when to beat a retreat. It doesn't mean I never fail, it means I know when not to try." said Daniel.
"It's so bloody unfair." said Harry, with a squelch from his jacket adding emphasis as he waved an arm, "They don't need us like we need them."
"They don't?" said Daniel, smiling.
"I don't even know what they want from us. I try to be charming and thoughtful and romantic and all I get is 'Goodnight, Harry.' and a long walk home in the rain."
"Sometime you must let me tell you about an amazing invention called cabs."
It's raining on a Friday night. Just how many cabs do you think are going around empty?"
"Freud was baffled by the same question, what do women want?" said Daniel.
"Freud was the one who fancied his mother, right?" said Harry.
"I think you mean the one who described the Oedipus Complex." said Daniel.
"Yeah, right, described it. Did you fancy your mother, Daniel?"
"No, I can't say that I did."
"Right, and if anyone was going to be attracted to an older woman, it's going to be you."
"Meaning?" said Daniel.
"Well, let's face it, you have a pretty varied age range in your conquests."
"I wouldn't know. Very bad form to ask a lady her age."
"Freud was a nutter, of course he was baffled. He thought women wanted to sleep with their dads. Believe me, that is not the problem."
"Then consider the myth of Gawain and the Loathly Lady."
Harry frowned. "What movie?"
"Arthurian legend, my boy. Didn't Rathbone cover it?"
"Maybe. It's late and water keeps coming out of my ears. Tell me again."
"Well, a knight challenged King Arthur to answer a riddle."
"Charles does that. It's bloody annoying. And half of them are in Latin or Greek or something."
"This was the simple question, 'What do women want above all else?'"
"What, and he knew the answer? The bloke whose wife ran off with the other one?"
"Why is it that you remember all the most scandalous parts?" said Daniel.
"They tend to be the fun bits and get made into movies." said Harry.
"Well, he didn't know the answer, so he sent out all his knights with orders to find out."
"Oh, sound use of knights, your majesty. Let's not bother about protecting the kingdom, let's find out what women want!"
"Harry, if you had a hundred and fifty knights, I guarantee you would do the same."
"Yes, but I'm nineteen and haven't had a bit in ages."
"A week, Harry, and that bit was enough to hold your interest for three days."
"So the knights went out and ... "
"And asked every woman they could find."
"Like a woman would ever tell them."
They filled books with answers. Some said wealth, some said beauty, some said love."
"It's not vintage champagne and chocolates, so he can cross that off." said Harry bitterly.
"Finally, Arthur went out himself and asked all the women he met. And then he met the most hideous woman he had ever seen. She told him she knew the answer and would tell him, but he had to give her a husband."
"Well, is that the answer? They all want to get married?"
"Sometimes it seems that way, but no, thank goodness, that's not the answer."
"So he does what you would do and says, 'Hey, I have a single nephew you can marry, but wear a thick veil.'"
"When have I ever tried to marry you off?"
"You strongly suggested to that princess that marrying the Romanov heir would be a good idea."
"It was just an idea." said Daniel, "I'd never have made you go through with it."
"So Gawain gets the ugly one?"
"Yes. He bravely agrees to marry her, though he finds her repellent."
"He's not the brightest, is he, Gawain?" said Harry.
"He is devoted to his King." said Daniel.
"Yeah, a king who doesn't even know what women want."
"Neither do you."
"I'm not marrying off relatives to dodgy-looking bints in exchange for answering a survey."
"Dame Ragnell gives the answer he needs. She says that what all women want is their own will, to make their own decisions."
"Of course they do! All of them want to make all the bloody decisions! Except what to eat. Not one of them can handle a menu."
"Harry, I caution you not to let one young lady's lack of interest turn you against the whole delightful throng. Perpetual celibacy would not suit you."
"So, he has his answer and he said, 'Don't worry, Gawain, she's told me now. We can just fake your death and leg it.'"
"No, the wedding went ahead, mainly because Gawain didn't have you and me around to sort out the escape plan. There was a big, public wedding and everyone pitied Gawain as he married the loathesome hag."
"I hope his stag night was phenomenal." said Harry.
"His wedding night was better."
"He got away?" said Harry.
"As soon as they were alone together, Ragnell became a beautiful young woman with golden hair and soft skin. Her eyes were like jewels and her feet were light and dainty."
"You left out a hell of a lot in between, Daniel."
"As you've pointed out, I'm not nineteen anymore. I suspect you can fill in the gaps a lot more vividly than I can."
Harry thought for a moment, then smiled. "You're right, I can."
"And now she told him she was under an enchantment."
"They're buggers, enchantments."
"They are, as you say, buggers." said Daniel, "The terms of this one were simple. He could choose to have her beautiful by day, when all eyes would be upon them or by night, when only he could see her. He could be publicly seen with the hag or he could spend every night in her arms. Which would you choose, Harry?"
"I'd want her pretty in bed. No, no, because at night it's dark and she'd go nuts in the day, being stared at and pointed at and told she was nothing. No, I'd want her to be pretty in the day, I mean, we could always sneak off for a bit of how's your father in the woods or something."
"But you'd end every day by having to snuggle up with a walrus."
"It's not easy, is it?" said Harry, "I think I'd just have to ask her which she wanted. It's her that has to live with it. I mean, a woman who's gorgeous half the time has to be better than no woman at all, so I'd be fine with whatever she wanted."
"Gawain came to the same conclusion and gave the same reply. He asked her to choose whether she would be ugly to the world and endure their cruelty or see him look away each night."
"Which did she choose?" said Harry.
Daniel smiled. "Giving her the choice broke the enchantment and she became beautiful forever. Moral?"
"Let them have their own way and they don't become monsters." said Harry.
"Words to live by." said Daniel, "Now, let's waste a mature Scotch."
"It's the next best thing to making good use of a young Englishwoman." said Harry.
The End.