a/n: oh my god, i never want to look at this thing again. this is honestly really, really bad and was largely just a thing to get me back into writing. anyway! should you choose to read, i recommend skimming the wiki articles on the movies cinema paradiso and chasing amy beforehand. the lyrics interposed between sections are from josh groban's lyrical rendition of the love theme from cinema paradiso. i tried to be as canon-compliant as possible, but i did take some liberties. you kind of have to when it comes to homestuck.
magia o lealta
"se tu fossi nei miei occhi per un giorno
vedresti la bellezza che piena d'allegria
io trovo dentro gli occhi tuoi
e nearo se magia o lealta."
"if you were in my eyes for one day
you would see the beauty of the joy
i find in your eyes
and it is not magic or loyalty."
They begin watching movies together on his fourteenth birthday.
TT: Hey, we might as well. It's not like I have any other pressing engagements.
She's a bit surprised, but accepts. They're certainly good friends, to be sure, but even so, it's rather out of character for him to want to do something like this
GG: All right then! So, what shall we be watching this evening?
TT: Cinema Paradiso.
TT: It's a sappy as shit Italian movie from the 1980's. I know what you're thinking, but please try to suspend your judgment until we actually watch it.
Jane blinks. It's an odd selection for someone like him. She briefly debates whether or not to press in regards to his motivations for wanting to watch it, but decides against it.
GG: I don't have any particular objections to it! I'm sure you have impeccable taste in movies.
TT: All I can say for myself is that I don't have Jake's taste in movies.
TT: Anyway. Let's get this show on the road.
The movie itself is quite touching despite being every bit as sappy as he said it would be.
(Although, if she's honest with herself, she did tear up a bit at the kissing montage.)
GG: Gosh, what a heartwarming tale of love and self-discovery. It sent shivers down my spine at the end!
GG: But I'll be honest: you never seemed like the type to indulge in such emotional and saccharine cinema.
She becomes slightly concerned when he doesn't respond for a significant period of time. Even if he does enjoy these guilty pleasure kinds of movies, she just can't imagine Dirk Strider being shaken up by one of them.
TT: I'm human. Sometimes you just have to partake in an ironic feelings jam.
TT: Otherwise, we'd all just go off the fucking deep end. We'd jump right from the diving board of pent-up feelings awaiting catharsis into the pool of abysmal insanity.
TT: It's sort of easy to fall into that. Particularly when you don't have an obligatory wise dude like Alfredo in your life.
She knows him well enough by now to detect the vague undercurrent of bitterness and longing clinging to his words. She frowns as she types.
GG: I suppose movies are one way of going about a feelings jam, as you put it!
GG: I think we all wish we had an Alfredo in our lives. You couldn't help but feel sorry for him, even if he maintained good humor throughout the situation.
TT: Yeah, Alfredo got it rough, but how about fucking Salvatore? Bro never knew his dad, and then he fell madly in love only to have the chick's father tear his heart from his chest and crush it beneath his feet.
GG: Oh, you're right! I didn't even think of it like that. :(
GG: Not only that, but he was urged to abandon and banish his childhood home from his memory! Even if he went on to be successful, I think it would be possible to maintain a healthy connection to his roots while looking ahead to the future.
TT: See, that's where the movie fools you. The director knew damn well that you would be experiencing those emotions while you watched it.
TT: But in the process, the real point of the movie doesn't occur to you until you really sit down to do some hardcore pontificating.
TT: The point being that you can't cling to your home in any way if you really want to succeed. Sentiment will always begin to seep into every aspect of your life if you so much as give your past a thought.
TT: In fact, you can't even rely on the present.
TT: You always have to look forward to the future, even if it's scary as shit.
As she reads his explanation, it dawns on her why he, in a move uncharacteristic of him, wanted to watch this film.
And it breaks her heart.
She'll admit to having the wrong impression of him sometimes. It's easy enough to forget that behind the stoic words on the screen, he is a human, made of flesh and blood.
Nevertheless, she smiles. This moment has transcended the words on the cold monitor; she can recognize it as some kind of friendly intimacy, at the very least.
GG: Hoo hoo, I never realized you were such a softy (so to speak), Dirk! Are you shedding a tear or two? :B
TT: Let's not get carried away. You're cutting me real deep here, Jane.
If one were to press her, she supposes she would say that this is the moment she begins to fall in love with Dirk Strider.
"se tu fossi nel mio cuore per un giorno
potreste avere un'idea
di cio che sento io quando m'abbracci forte a te
e petto a petto, noi respiriamo insieme."
"if you were in my heart for one day
you might have an idea
of what i feel when you hold me tightly.
heart to heart, we breathe together."
And so, they spend countless nights watching movies of all kinds. Dramas, romcoms, thrillers, and Nicolas Cage.
(After watching some of his movies, she has come to the conclusion that he is a genre in and of himself.)
They talk and talk and talk into the deep hours of the night and the tiny hours of the morning. The conversations are silly and serious, philosophical and whimsical. They get to know each other on a level they were not even close to approaching before.
And all the while, she is becoming increasingly smitten with him. She can't help but admire him; he's intelligent, sharp and to the point, witty and intuitive—everything she is not.
One particular film by the name of Chasing Amy prompts her to dwell on their own friendship (and, as much as she is loath to admit it, her own affections for him).
GG: Dirk, can you promise me something?
TT: I don't think I can promise you anything, but give it a shot anyway.
GG: Well, even so! Just allow me to express the hope that our group of friends never becomes that bafflingly complicated.
GG: Call me a dreamer, but I'd like to think that we'll all be good friends for a very long time.
TT: Nah, I wouldn't worry about that. I have a sneaking suspicion that we're all going to be stuck with each other for an indefinite, but considerable amount of time.
GG: That makes me happy to hear, coming from you! GG: I do trust your judgment with these things.
TT: I didn't promise that our circle of companions wouldn't become frustratingly complex, however.
TT: We'll just have to see how things pan out as time goes on.
TT: Right now, though, I'd like to enjoy the relative peace.
GG: Oh, yes, as would I!
Jane smiles, though she can't help but feel ever so slightly melancholy, for she knows that there will never be a perfect outcome. The web of friendship will either become convoluted and confusing, or they simply will not be together.
She knows he will never love her the way she loves him. He will never wholly accept her faults, he will never admire, he will never reciprocate. She has nothing to offer someone like him.
She is merely plain Jane, going through life with her head on the ground and her heart in the clouds.
She pines and pines and pines away.
He can't pinpoint exactly when it happens, but somewhere along the line, he develops feelings for Jane Crocker.
As far as he is concerned, his affection for her is only a complication; a side effect, a symptom, something he can brush off. He likes to think that it is nothing more than an illusion.
It's only a result of his mind perceiving friendship as something else. It's a mirage.
But as time goes on, the mirage only inches nearer and nearer until it well and truly appears real.
A conversation after an ironic viewing of the excruciatingly terrible film The Room ends up sealing the deal.
TT: The only thing that could possibly make that movie any shittier than it was is if Tommy Wiseau was completely serious about the endeavor.
GG: Was he?
TT: He was. There was not a trace of irony in the production of this movie. Even worse, he halfheartedly attempted to cover it up a few years after the movie was released.
GG: You know, all I can say at this point is that the movie tore *me* apart.
Well, shit. She's edging from dorky into outright adorable territory, as much as he hates to admit it.
Dare he say it?
It's almost…kawaii.
"protagonista del tuo amor
non so se sia magiao lealta."
"hero of your love,
i do not know if it's magic
or loyalty."
GG: Dirk?
GG: I do apologize most sincerely if I'm bothering you, but I'm a little concerned! You haven't responded to me at all these past couple days. It's rather unlike you, and I must admit, I do miss our daily 'feelings jams'!
GG: I suppose you're absorbed in one of your various mechanical endeavors, in which case, I'll leave you to your own devices.
GG: Hoo hoo, pardon the pun! :B
On one hand, he's glad that she cares. On the other, he can't talk to her now. Not when he's going through a feelings jam of his own on an entirely different level.
At this point, he's wading through a sea of feelings jelly.
He is cut and dry; all cool logic and reason. He intended to keep adolescence as real as possible, but that's proving to be increasingly difficult when he's crushing on one friend and falling in love with another.
Dirk doesn't often dwell on it, but every now and then—whether he's talking to her, working on his latest robot, or whatever else—he imagines what a life with her would be like.
It would be all white fences and green grass. It would be normalcy epitomized. They would watch movies together. They would sit on the porch and stare at the stars, talking about just what might be out there in the space beyond them. Their fingers would intertwine. They would fall into a comfortable silence, merely relishing each other's company. They would be each other's understated heroes.
It would be sweet simplicity.
He allows himself these moments of dead-end idealism only sparingly, but they are enough to keep his mind off of this dead-end reality.
They engage in casual conversation every now and then, but they are nowhere near as frequent as they once were. Her confusion is only thinly veiled when they do talk, and it has become the proverbial elephant in the room.
He realizes that he's retreating from the issue, and it weighs constantly on his mind until he can take it no longer.
He has to tell her.
So he sits down one day and begins formulating a succinct, logical explanation of the situation. Before he can bother being methodical and rational about it, however, he begins typing like a man possessed.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 17:20
TT: Better get this out on the table before it gets any more convoluted than it already is.
TT: I may or may not possess slivers of feelings for you.
TT: And I'm confiding this in you now because our shit is about to get very real in the very near future.
TT: Despite the aforementioned truth, I'd like to dispel any possibility of us being a thing. This is for multiple reasons, but most of them are too trivial to discuss at any kind of length.
TT: The only matter at hand that I care about is us remaining friends throughout the ordeal that we're going to inevitably endure.
He doesn't know what he's doing—
TT: Jane?
Dirk waits for a moment before realizing that she isn't going to respond. It's completely irrational, but for a fleeting second, he is crestfallen. He isn't sure what he expected, but knowing Jane, perhaps this will shake her up more than he thought.
He sits there, unsure of what to do. In truth, he had been expecting his confession to relieve him of this burden. Once he got it out there, they could laugh about it, forget it, and move on.
But something tells him that that simply is not possible, that she will always have this effect on him.
It scares him.
He shuts the computer down, but can't bring himself to get up.
"Way to fucking go, Strider."
He buries his face in his hands. He can practically hear her voice—
"Dirk, can you promise me something? Call me a dreamer, but I'd like to think that we'll all be good friends for a very long time."
—and it tortures him.
This isn't a movie. It isn't like one of his Japanese animes or mangas. His words and feelings don't exist in a vacuum.
It's so easy to forget that when he's only ever relied on himself.
I'm sorry, he thinks, his throat tightening. I really am.
gutsyGumshoe [GG] began bothering timaeusTestified [TT] at 18:31
GG: Well, goodness!
GG: Ha ha, well.
GG: To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure how to react to this!
GG: I guess the nice thing to do in these circumstances is to reciprocate one's honesty.
GG: I feel as though I should be nervous, but I'm not. Then again, I do trust you with my life.
GG: Anyway! Haha…
GG: I must admit, I've entertained the thought of us being "a thing," as you put it. I'd like to think most friends do that at some point. It's only natural, if you think about it.
GG: Beyond that, however, I do think you are a rather dashing gentleman, and I would be lying if I said I didn't have any feelings toward you.
GG: But. Like you, I would rather not jeopardize our current friendship for this.
GG: So I do agree with you that it's better to continue on as we are.
GG: Being friends is less trouble anyway!
GG: Haha…ha…
GG: Well, that's really all I had to say! I'll talk to you later.
Her fingers hover above the keys for the briefest of moments before she realizes that this is a hopeless confession done merely for formality's sake.
She smiles bitterly and wipes a tear from the corner of her eye.
At least they'll still be friends.
They never speak of it again after that day. As time passes, his feelings begin to gradually (yet not surely) wane. As far as he can tell, hers do as well.
He occasionally (involuntarily) considers what things could have been like had they made the fatal mistake of succumbing to their irrational desires. He tries to dismiss his discomfort as nothing more than a kneejerk reaction. On a logical level, he knows that there is simply nothing left.
When it's time to play the game, he can't help but be thankful for a distraction from the tightening in his chest and the weight in his heart.
She's not supposed to be here.
Jesus Christ, what is she doing here—
—he isn't supposed to be here either.
It dawns on him that he should have taken their personalities into account during this entire ordeal.
Amidst the chaos, amidst his panic and his fear, he looks at them both.
The (current) object of his affection, juxtaposed with his former.
He knows that it's inevitable, he can't run, he can't hide—
(he just isn't the hero of this story).
He's going to die, and ultimately, he could not fulfill the promise that he so desperately wanted to keep: that they would never become this complicated.
And so, without thinking, he retreats into that "normal" life he built for himself and Jane in his head so long ago; a make-believe world that has collected dust over time. A life without this immediate peril and without the romantic complexities currently plaguing them, the life he only knows from the movies they watched together, a life where none of this had to happen; a simple life of blue skies and orange sunsets.
Just them, always silent, always smiling, with their fingers intertwined.
But, of course, like everything, he must let go. He must let go of this foolish sentimentality, this hopeless dream, this inane romanticism. He must banish it from his heart.
He allowed the possibility of them to soar away long ago; and yet, he cannot tear his eyes away from its vapor trail.
He closes his eyes.
"se tu fossi nella mia anima un giorno
sapresti cosa sono in me che m'innamorai
da quell'istante insieme a te
e cio che provo e
solamente amore."
"if you were in my soul for a day
you would know what is inside me;
that i fell in love
at that instant, together with you
and what I sense:
it's only love."
"You are darling to me."
And so, the prince and the maid lived happily ever after…