Allen hated Christmas, even though it was his birthday, the day Mana had given to him, that day he had taken him from that hellhole of a circus; yes Christmas was Allen's birthday although he had made sure that none of his friends knew that, they would have wanted to celebrate it and Allen wasn't sure if he could handle that, because Christmas was also the day that God had taken Mana from him. Mana and him had been walking together, returning to their hotel from a long day of street performing, then a child recognized them from their act and had run up to them asking Mana many questions. Whilst Mana was struggling to answer them all, Allen had wandered off not even noticing that he was walking on the road until Mana had shouted his name in alarm, Allen had snapped back into reality, looking up only to see a carriage heading toward him, Allen had paralyzed in fear, it was as if he was watching it all happen unable to do anything to stop it. Then the next thing he knew he was on his side and Mana was in his place, the one who had been hit instead of him. Mana had been covered in blood and dying.
The child's parents had paid for a grave and simple tombstone taking pity on Allen. 'If they had seen his left arm though they would have just left Mana's body to rot' Allen had thought bitterly. The first person that had truly cared about him was gone; the only person that hadn't cared about his deformed and ugly arm and had actually cared that he was alive and didn't curse him for it like so many others had before. He had been the only person that cared about him, and God had taken him away from Allen, that God who Allen hated from the bottom of his heart.
God who made him and his friends suffer through so much and still have more pain to come. Every time his friends got hurt Allen's heart broke but still he plastered on another fake smile and hid away his real emotions, to make sure that his friends couldn't see the pain he went through every day; though Allen had a suspicion that Kanda knew that all his smiles were fake. Kanda made it clear that he despised Allen but they still had some kind of friendship (Kanda would never admit it but Allen knew better). Lavi might have an idea that Allen never smiled for real, he was smarter than he acted; then again he had never mentioned it so maybe he hadn't seen through Allen's mask quite yet. Then there was Lenalee who was like a sister to him, Lenalee who thought of everyone at the Black Order as her family. Whenever someone died a part of her world died. Lenalee didn't deserve any of this she had been taken from her home, away from her brother and locked away here, unable to leave.
It was ironic that most of the people who worked at the Black Order that was meant to work for God hated Him and almost all the Finders didn't even believe in Him. Allen personally didn't understand how if He loves everyone how He can stand all the exorcists, his friends, going through so much pain that was initially caused by Him. Why is it he let Allen be born if in the end he's not even going to be in control of his own body, instead it will be some Noah who was once part of the family that he can never forgive? A Noah who was meant to be Mana's younger brother, who is technically his adoptive uncle will eventually take over his body, and Allen Walker will cease to exist; and he took away everything from him, Mana, his Master- who although he complained about still cared for-, he couldn't go back to the Black Order because they would kill him, so he couldn't see any of his friends and the Noah wanted to kill him too so nowhere was safe. Did God want him to suffer and die, if so then Allen decided that he would live if only just to spite Him. 'Yes,' Allen thought, 'If God wants me to suffer then I will smile, and if he wants me to die then he will have to come and kill me himself'
So this was just a quick drabble that I wrote to entertain me for a short period of time. It's not practically good so please don't tell me so, because I do know that, like I said it's just something that I wrote quickly when I was wondering what Allen must have thought. Alright well see you next time.