The Glutton Games: A Hunger Games Parody
By PurifiedDrinkingWater and Desa Gibbons
Disclaimer: We do not own the Hunger Games, thankfully, or we would have been overthrown by rebels. That wasn't very funny, but it was worth a shot…
Characters:
Catnip Evergreen
Pisonia Evergreen
Dale Hawthorne
Peetar Mellark
My name is Katnip Evergreen. They call me Katnip on account of I'm so frisky. I have a sister named Pisonia, but we call her… peeesa. With a prolonged E. and not even with a capitol "P", but with a lower case "p," as a sign of serious disrespect. I guess you could say I really don't like my sister, but most kids in District 12 don't, so it's okay. peeesa makes everyone mad. Her favorite thing to do is rap, but everyone knows she'll make nothing of herself if she continues it.
Just between you and me though, I'm a serious hunter. True fact. Every morning, I sneak out in my easily concealed F-150 with my .270 Winchester and take out some cute creatures. Dale Hawthorne is my "hunting" buddy, or at least that's what he calls himself. He acts like more of a hunting dog, running and getting my kills and skinning them for me. But he's a smart kid, so I let him run my advertising campaign and do my booking, because I can't read or write. I'm sort of a big deal on the global market, but no one around here knows that. Which is fine with me, because if they did know, they'd always be asking for financial help or consulting, something I don't care for in the least.
Every year in the great country we call "Bread." (After the 70's rock band, of course.) we hold a massive tournament. They pit young children against each other, and who ever eats the most pie, hot dogs, and barbeque ribs, wins. It's a brutal practice that started when our president, Mr. Roly-poly, discovered a book on ancient American practices. He thought it was entertaining, and so did all of his children in the capitol. Well, we in the districts thought it was nuts, but we couldn't do anything to stop it. So every year, two of our children get sent to the capitol to eat. Then they come home….
My mother just informed me that this chronology of our history wasn't very good. I don't know why she thinks that, as it is a very accurate description of life here in Bread. Her reasoning, I suppose, is that we need to focus our attentions on helping our neighbor country, Panem, (Does anyone even know what that means? Panem… doesn't sound like a rock band to me.) overcome their inner-political struggles and issues with human rights. She told me not to write this and publish it in our local "The History of Bread- An Essay" contest. But I'm going to anyway.
Right after I tell you about my lover.
Peetar Mellark is the hottest boy in my district, and possibly the world. He actually bakes bread with his dad while his other dad runs a yoga studio in the front of their house. He was adopted, but his original parents must have been fiiiiiine. Anyway, he's home schooled in cool things like sexual education and freedom of orientation, even though I don't know what those things are. He's really smart and has a lot of opinions on subjects that don't really matter to me, but I listen anyway because I desire him so much. We're really in love actually. Well, he doesn't often talk to me, and he never calls me, but I know he cares by the way ignores me in the streets, and pretends to throw insults at me. I know that he's staring at me when I'm not looking (Which is wonderful, because I'm always looking at him.) and those clever insults are really love words in disguise. Peetar has a really good friend named Steve, and Peetar and Steve do everything together. They hold hands together, they go missing together, and I've even seen them kiss together. But I know that's just Peetar learning how to kiss me.
My mother just threatened to burn this, but I have it memorized, so it won't do any good. I'll just write it all over again…
My mother burnt it, and gave me a long lecture on something. I heard the words grammar, proper representation, and discretion, but other than that, I wasn't listening. So I'm just writing the story out again. (But just so we're clear, Dale is writing it as I dictate. He's a good guy.)
My name is Katnip Evergreen. They call me Katnip on account of I'm so frisky…
The End!
Okay everyone, this was a PARODY! It's meant to be awkward and demeaning, but it's meant to do that with love. If you want to be that really ridiculous person who flames this little tale because you think it's trash, let me save you the effort.
"This story is so trashy and lame. You are a shameful writer, and fanfiction will enter a literary apocalypse because of you. YOU FAIL."
There. Can't flame me now. Also, may I direct you to one of our other stories? We work very hard on those to be accurate in our characters, our grammar, and our story telling. This was for fun, this was a joke, this is silly. Everyone else will get it, but you. So even if you don't understand the humor here, pretend like you do. Then go read a modern periodical. ("Godey's Lady Book" is NOT modern. "People Magazine" is.)
Thank you for reading, now go read something good and serious.
Purified Drinking Water and Desa Gibbons