Shattered
"Because it's you"
Then he's gone. Gone in a whirlwind of hysteria. I turn, tears streaming now, and run…
I gasp and sit bolt upright. Cold sweat is running in waterfalls down my face; but those may just be the tears come to life. I shiver against the sudden rush of chill that blows from the open window. Ron snores loudly and rolls over in his sleep, totally oblivious to my current state of terror. I hug my knees close and mutter curses under my breath.
It's been one day. One day since I married Ron. Happy day.
It's been seven years. Seven years since I saw…
"Get a grip idiot," I whisper angrily to myself.
I stretch and wriggle away from the covers, careful not to disturb Ron as he laughs lightly in a glorious sleep.
Lucky bastard.
Creeping towards the bathroom, I flip the switch and blink rapidly at the bright light. Groaning at the messy bathroom, I grab my toothbrush and take my frustration out on my unsuspecting pearly whites. I rinse and toss the toothbrush back in the cup and commence to check for any missed spots. Grinning rather stupidly at myself, I remember a time when my teeth weren't so attractive. Then I frown and glare at my red-eyed reflection. I would never have had my teeth shrunken if it hadn't been for him.
"For God's sake woman," I hiss at myself, "It's been seven bloody years!"
Yeah. Seven years of the same dream. Seven years of the same thin, pale face inches away, yet unreachable.
"Hermione, are you okay?"
I jump at Ron's sudden appearance. Blushing profusely at the realization that I'm still crying, I wipe my face quickly.
"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," I lie miserably, "Just banged my arm on the sink."
Sure you did.
"Oh, okay," Ron shuffles over and kisses me on the cheek, wrapping his arms around me, "One more week until our honeymoon."
I smile using only my mouth, praying he didn't look me in the eyes. I had learned from Ginny in my fourth year that a real smile uses the eye muscles as well as the mouth muscles, while fake smiling incorporates only the mouth ones. I just hoped that Ron didn't bear the same knowledge. But, alas, I had become the fake-smile master over the past few years so…
"You should go back to bed," I murmur into his shoulder, "It's only three in the morning."
"Yeah, but you should get some sleep too. I've noticed that's been hard for you lately."
I nod my head and follow him back to the bedroom. As soon as his head hits the pillow, he's off to la-la land. I turn over and stare at his back.
Why can't you see me? I ask him silently.
What do you mean see you? I imagine his befuddled answer, you're standing right here.
No, Ronald, I sigh exasperatedly, I mean the distraction and sadness that envelops me all the time. Married couples…scratch that…best friends who have been a couple for seven odd years are supposed to know when one is upset.
I'm sorry Hermione, this is the part where he would hug me close and kiss me, and you know that I've always had the 'emotional range of a teaspoon'. And then he would tickle me until I forgot all the sorrow.
But later, when I can be free of the hectic events of the day, I think back seven years…I think back to him.
Fear such as I have never known is circulating at an alarming pace through my veins. Spells that even I don't have knowledge of threaten everything that moves. People are flying in every direction, hitting walls with sickening precision, landing on the floor, unable to move again. I'm stumbling, throwing Stupefies and Leg-locker curses at anyone in a mask.
Death Eaters.
They're everywhere. Filling the halls of Hogwarts, drowning the students and teachers who try to fight, with their infinite knowledge of all that is evil and inhuman.
I see Ginny run and scream profanity at a Death Eater who had just hit Luna with a Cruciatus Curse. I want to help, but suddenly the biggest Death Eater of the group is blocking my way. It laughs horribly at my plight and aims its wand straight at my heart.
The spell soars right over my head, and I, screaming, topple over at the force I feel pulsing from it. Thank Merlin for the lucky potion Harry handed out to us before leaving with Dumbledore. I scramble to my feet and position myself for a counter attack, but the Death Eater is gone. I glance around, trying to locate any others I can debilitate, when a spell hits me. Gasping, I fly across the hall, and tumble down a flight of hard stone stairs. I grit my teeth and attempt standing, my feeble attempts only awarding me a lancing pain through my arm.
It's feels as though it been broken…no, shattered. In my disoriented state, I consider going to Madame Pomfrey's office to have her check it. Then I know that's totally out of the question. Stupid me.
I touch my shoulder lightly, wincing at the wet blood soaking my sleeve. I whimper at my current situation. I'm isolated from anyone who might be able to help me. People were lying, possibly dead, in the floor above me, and I am alone, bleeding my life away.
How wonderful.
I crawl forward, reaching out for my wand, when I see feet appear. Hoping for a miracle, but not expecting one I look up.
A scream never leaves my throat when I look into the hollow eyes of a Death Eater mask. A wand is pointed between my eyes. And I sit there, rigid and shocked, crying for something that I would never see: the rest of my life.
"Stupefy!"
I screech and faint, thinking I was just murdered. But wait, Stupefy isn't a killing charm, is it? Then I'm being poked and jabbed by an unknown poker and jabber. I open my eyes and nearly start screaming. Draco Malfoy is hovering right over me.
"Are you okay?" He looks confused by his own concern. I know I am.
I regard him curiously, and somewhat fearfully as I answer, "I'm all right."
And then my suspicion wins out, "Why did you help me?"
His glittering gray eyes never leave mine as he mutters, "Because it's you."
I relax and stand, flinching as he helps me do so. Draco Malfoy has never touched me willingly before…actually, he's never touched me at all. Unless you count the time his face met my fist.
Oh, come one Hermione, this is Malfoy; he was just helping those Death Eaters and dear daddy upstairs. I send a searing gaze his way and point my wand at him. "Why were you running?"
Anger flares in his eyes as he sneers scornfully, "Please, Granger, I just saved your Mudblood arse. I don't think you have the right to question me."
Tears tease my eyes, but I refuse to let the bastard bother me. "You need some serious help, Malfoy. You're a tormented mess. So, Ferret, explain or get stunned. Your choice."
"I'm sorry. I just-,"
"Whoa, are you apolo-,"
I'm unable to finish my question when the Death Eater from moments before leaps to his feet yelling, "Avada Kedavra!" Malfoy grabs my shoulders and throws us out of the way. Savage fury courses through my blood as I leap in front of Malfoy and scream, "Stupefy," with unmatched hatred. Voldemort's pawn drops again.
"Why did you jump in front of me like that?" Malfoy inquires, breath coming in ragged pants.
Not knowing how to answer, I steal his, "Because it's you." And I know somewhere it's true enough.
He's staring blankly at me. His eyes searching mine openly. Feeling the heat rising to my face I look away. Then I become angry and glare back at him. Why are you such an idiot? I ask him wordlessly.
For a moment, I think he's about to stay with me, make sure I'm fine. But then he casually throws me that infuriating smirk and turns away. I want to scream hysterics at him, make him come back, even if it's to insult me. I had seen something in his gaze, something that looked much like admiration and care.
I instead turn away, tears falling freely now, and make my way back upstairs where no one makes a sound. At the sight that meets my eyes, I sway and fall, letting the blackness take hold, listening to the soft words of "Because it's you," singing a lullaby in my head.
Tomorrow is my birthday. My mum always told me that to get married on or near the bride's birthday was considered lucky. I don't feel lucky. I feel alone. Alone and unloved. But I know it's not true. Ron loves me unconditionally. And I told myself on the day of our wedding that perhaps the union would awaken that same love in me. But it hasn't yet. Granted, it's only been one day, but I still only feel that protective friendly love towards him.
I had kissed him, on the day of the final war. It was a spontaneous thing. More so because I thought there was the slightest chance of never seeing him alive again. I wanted him to know that I loved him, and always would. But the kiss made him think I was in love with him. I wasn't. Not like that.
Now I'm trapped. And although I harbor no feelings of discontent towards him, I feel as though Ron tricked me into all of this. I know he hasn't…I tricked myself. But it's nice to blame someone.
He plans to take me out to dinner tonight. We'll meet Harry and Ginny at the restaurant. It sounds lovely. An early birthday gift. Something to look forward to. I haven't looked forward to anything in a long while.
And then tears are falling. I feel guilty for thinking such things. Ron had always been there for me. Comforts me when I'm sad, even if I have to tell him to do it. But since that day in our sixth year, things had changed. I began questioning Malfoy's motives for all the times he insulted me in school. They didn't add up to the way he saved my life that horrible night. I feel as though I've watched the story of my life, and it has ended abruptly. Millions of loose ends left untied. I question how things may have been if only I had been brave enough to grab Draco's hand before he left me behind.
Louder, louder
The voices in my head
Whispers taunting
All the things you said
Faster the days go by and I'm still
Stuck in this moment of wanting you here
Time
In the blink of an eye
You held my hand, you held me tight
Now you're gone
And I'm still crying
Shocked, broken
I'm dying inside
"Hermione? Are you in there?" Ron's sad voice calls through the closed door. I hate that I'm hurting him, but my pain won't leave. There is a constant achy longing in my being. I feel empty. I shake violently, but just pretend it's because I'm cold. I curl into Ron's arms but it just won't go away. It attacks me forcefully when my thoughts stray to Malfoy.
I hate him, I tell myself fiercely, but the more I say it, the more I know it's not true.
"Hermione?" Ron attempts opening the door, but curses when he finds it locked. "Hermione, please open the door," his voice is barely audible, and I know he realizes he's slowly losing me.
I stand from my seat on the bathtub and glide to the door. Opening it, I smile falsely at him. "I wasn't done getting ready silly," I move closer and hug him close.
"Oh, well, we still have two hours ya know," he grins, no doubt relieved.
"I know I just wanted to make sure we weren't late thanks to me."
He smiles and turns to retreat downstairs and leave me to my thoughts. I wish he wouldn't.
Where are you?
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me
I hear the door shut and know he's gone out to talk to Harry about my behavior. They'll then sic Ginny on me. I should really start paying her for all the time she spends psychoanalyzing me.
When all is clear, I breakdown, I scream and scream and scream. And then I pant and cry harder than ever before, gulping for air, screwing up my makeup. I throw books across the room, tear pictures off the wall, and fall to the floor in a crazy heap.
Snatchers. They caught us. I'm terrified. Harry's face is distorted by my feeble attempts to disguise him, but it was all in vain. Ron's nose is bleeding and broken. We're going to Malfoy's house. And I know this is it. He can't save me now. Not with his father looking on.
When we arrive, chaos ensues. Lucius Malfoy is ecstatic, demanding that Draco identifies us. He is hesitant, and my hopes soar. Perhaps he'll come through after all.
And then Bellatrix appears. She screeches fearful nonsense about the sword. She seems to think we stole it from her Gringott's vault. You stupid twit, I want to shout at her, no one can break into Gringotts! And then she's grabbing my arm and yanking me towards her. I whimper and struggle, but to no avail. I'm only half aware that Ron is begging to take my place. She smacks him and orders both he and Harry to the basement.
She begins questioning me. Did you steal it? How did you steal it? Only it is much louder than the standard interview. She is pulling my hair and spitting in my face as she screams. I tell her that we found it, that it's fake. She hardly listens. I begin to cry as she twists my arms behind my back and throws me to the floor. And then she utters the word.
"Crucio."
And I know real pain. The shattered arm from a year ago multiplied ten fold. I'm blinded. Needles and hot iron brands, sharp points under my nails, in my very bones. Even my hair hurts as I write and scream on the floor. I barely hear my own voice. The pain has made me deaf too it seems.
She stops for a moment, clearly enjoying my pain through her anxiousness for the truth. She questions me again, and I'm tempted to tell her what she wants to hear, but I know that'll only lead to my death faster. Instead I hold my own.
"Crucio!"
Again. But this time, twice as bad. I thought that I'd be numb to it. But it's thrashing and lashing its way down my arms and legs. Blackness taunts me from the sidelines and I desperately want to run towards it, to embrace it.
I manage to look up when she lets go again. Everyone is staring at me hungrily…especially Greyback. He obviously wants to devour me. I cry and sob, but no one cares. And then my gaze finds his.
He's staring at me sadly. He looks as though he wants to jump in front of the next curse that comes my way. I beg to him with my eyes, praying for him to save me as he once did before. And then he glares at me and looks away. And I'm disgusted.
Shadows linger
Only to my eye
I see you, I feel you
Don't leave my side
It's not fair
Just when I found my world
They took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart
Lucius commands Draco to retrieve a goblin they have locked up. I lay there, defeated, ready to die. No one is left to care for me. I surrender to the dark.
I miss you, you hurt me
You left with a smile
Mistaken, your sadness
Was hiding inside
Now all that's left
Are the pieces to find
The mystery you kept
The soul behind a guise
Every time I recall that night, I relearn to hate him. I wrestle between longing and good riddance.
"Hermione, Ginny and Harry will be over in one hour!"
I blink slowly. Standing up, I quickly repair the damage I did to the room. Everything is proper now, hiding the destruction behind its truth. It's funny how the truth becomes the lie I wonder sadly. I know there is a love building inside me, but it can't be right.
I stroll down stairs and turn on the television I had begged Ron to get. He seems to like it. I laugh happily every time he stares in amazement at the latest Friends plot. He has a soft spot for Rachael…I find it cute.
How could I ever let him go?
Easy, you don't.
But if I stay, it will only hurt us both.
But if you stay and learn to love, it will only reward you both.
I can't. Learning to love isn't like learning a spell. It takes years and years…
Hmm, you're right. Look how long it took for you to love Draco.
I don't love Draco!
You keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better.
If someone could hear the conversation I'm having with myself, they'd surely ship me off to St. Mungo's. Hell, they may even opt to send me straight to Azkaban in hopes the Dementors would cure me. Fight insanity with insanity they always say.
Where are you
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me
Why did you go?
All these questions run through my mind
I wish I couldn't feel at all
Let me be numb
I'm starting to fall
Life has no meaning for me. Friends remain friends. Family remains family. But my enemies seem to change. It's not supposed to feel like this! I'm supposed to think back and laugh at all the fun we had getting Malfoy into trouble. I'm supposed to snort at his thin face, so much like a ferret.
Twenty more minutes until Harry and Ginny arrive for my party. It's dark out now, the silver moon hanging nonchalantly in the air. Stars are glowing merrily in the satin sky.
I idly flip through the channels, waiting for Ron to finish his shower. I find a channel educating people about the death rate due to suicide. I quickly change the channel. I turn to a made for television movie. A girl is cutting her wrists. I turn that too, though slower than before.
A man on a bridge, poised to jump. Click.
Where are you?
A girl with pills and bottled water, ready to swallow death. Click
I need you
A woman, ready to shoot herself. Crash.
I hurl the remote at a nearby vase and watch it shatter. It seems to slow down, and I watch my reflection in the pieces crumble to the floor.
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me
Sniffling, I collapse onto the couch. Ron is still in the shower, unaware of all the destruction I cause in our own house. Movement flickers in the corner of my eye. I turn to the window, and my heart nearly stops. A tall, white blond haired figure is turning away from me. "Not again!" I cry, and run for the door, praying that I'm no longer dreaming.
Where are you?
Where are you?
I rush outside and sail towards my destiny. Draco hears my steps and turns around. I brace myself, and take the plunge.
I grab his hand.
"I wondered where you were," I smile, using both my eye and mouth muscles. I stand on my tiptoes and kiss his lips lightly. He wraps his arms around my waist, holding me close. And the emptiness is filled, and the ache is soothed, and…I'm happy.
"I saw you," I whisper to him.
You were smiling.