Title: In Private
Genre: Humour
Rating: T
Couple: Slight HitsuMatsu

Captain Kyōraku was a little delayed in sending these messages over to the Tenth Division, much to his Lieutenant's distaste. Not only did she have Hitsugaya snapping at her every chance they met to encourage her Captain to hurry up, she also had a great deal of work too. Under stress was not the appropriate phrasing here. Nanao was this close to exploding in fury. It wasn't fair that Hitsugaya was blaming her for her Captain's laziness, and it wasn't fair that she hadn't had much sleep lately due to the amount of work thrown her way.

Relieved to finally have the reports and messages, she immediately set off towards the Tenth Division barracks, in the hopes that Captain Hitsugaya would be in his office. He usually was. Ever since he became the young prodigy, Tōshirō spent more time in the office, than actually on the field. That sort of work was sometimes left to his also lazy colleague, Rangiku. It was remarkable those two got along, despite their differences in work ethic and personality.

Upon reaching the office door, Nanao was about to knock, when she heard a deep, low voice. '––It's so hard to know what's what!'

'Just feel around, you'll find it.' Wait, was that Rangiku? And was the guy Hitsugaya? It had to be. Their voices were very recognisable. Still, what were they talking about? Curious, Nanao pressed her ear to the door, frowning. 'Come on, Captain, you're so close.'

'I–– I think I found it. It feels about right.'

'Yes, it does feel right. Now, I need you to take this, and smother it all over me.'

'Won't it stain your uniform?'

'I've done it plenty of times before- it washes right out.' Nanao widened her eyes.

Hitsugaya seemed to be hesitating. 'Uh, should I squeeze? I'm getting a weird liquid on my hands. You sure you want this all over your face?'

'Just squeeze, but be gentle. I don't want too much of the liquid coming out.'

Nanao wasn't sure if she should leave. If she knocked, then that would be awkward for all three of them. If she walked away than Captain Kyōraku would want to know what was wrong.

'Oh my God! You've got so much on me!'

'I'm sorry– I can't control it!'

'It's all over my face, and it's dripping––!'

'Close your mouth!' A few seconds pause. 'Are you all right?'

'Mm, got some in my eye.'

'Oh... Sorry...'

'Well, it takes practise, Captain.' Rangiku sighed. 'Okay, I think we should deal with this next.'

'If you say so. Where does this go?'

'Around here, but you must be gentle. I'm very sore.'

'Like that...?'

'Mm, yes, that's good–– No, no! Don't pump it!'

'What, why?'

'If you pump it, then all the air gets in, and it all dries up. Swirl it, smoothly, in circles. That keeps everything moist, and less rough.'

Nanao was this close to barging open the door. This was highly inappropriate, and she was certain she was being very inappropriate herself by listening in.

'Be gentle...'

'... That okay?'

'That–– That was pretty good; surprisingly faster than I thought it'd be. Ow!'

'What did I do?'

'When you pull out– can you be more gentle with me? It really hurts, and you end up cutting me slightly.' ... what?

'It is quite thick, I must say. I didn't know it would be this heavy. Must be a lot stored in there.'

'You know nothing on what women need, do you?'

'I know enough!' He growled. 'You want this near your eyes again?'

'Yeah. In one smooth motion.'

'Look at me. Now, look up.'

A few more seconds passed in silence, then Rangiku clapped her hands. 'You're getting really good at this so fast! It will get harder, though. Much harder... Oh, you're spilling it! You're spilling it!'

'Where?'

'Lift it up, it'll stop it from leaking!'

'... That okay?'

'Yes. Now, your pencil is quite blunt, so––' A pause. '––Okay, it's in my hand now. Captain, put it in the hole.'

'You sure?'

'Yes, certain. Just put it in already!... Is it in?'

'Yes, it's in!'

'Okay, just keep moving it around. Can you hear that? That's the sound of it going around–– Oops! Your pencil slipped out!'

'Ah damn it. This is harder than you said it'd be better, Matsumoto.'

Pencil was an odd phrase to use, Nanao thought. 'Don't worry. Just put it back into the hole again.'

'.. You're not worried about me sticking this into your eye?'

'Don't worry. Like I said, done this many times before, and I'm sure there are even worse people than you.'

'Matsumoto! I'm not that bad.'

'Ah, but you're a learner, Captain. A complete virgin to all of this.'

Hitsugaya groaned.

'Don't be like that! Nothing to feel ashamed about.'

'I'm not ashamed! Okay, it's much more pointed now. I can feel the tip.'

'I'm feeling it too. Yep, looks pretty done to me. So, with the tip, I want you to run it over me. Don't be aggressive, a smooth motion will do. But hard enough so some of it sticks. Don't break the tip, though, when you've finished!'

'My wooden pencil is quite sensitive.'

From behind the door, Nanao almost dropped her folders, blushing a deep red. This couldn't be happening.

'I'm going back on top now.'

'You are. I prefer it when you're on top, actually. Doesn't hurt as much.'

'I'll note that,' Hitsugaya said.

'... You're really soft with me.'

'I don't want to hurt you.'

'Much more softer than I am when doing it myself.' Rangiku made an odd moaning noise. 'Not so deep.'

'Sorry.' Several more seconds passed. 'Right. I'm finished. Phew... This is exhausting.'

'We're not done yet.'

Hitsugaya sighed. 'You women just don't know when to stop. I'm wiped out, and you're still wanting more?'

'It's what you guys like! Shut up, Captain, and finish me!'

'Don't tell me to shut up! And stop ordering me around, I know what I'm doing.'

'Pay attention to my lips now.'

'The one below?'

'Both. Use this– it shouldn't take too long. Again, be careful.'

'Close your mouth for me...'

'Simple strokes.'

'Yes, I know how this works!'

Nanao straightened, and grabbed hold of the doorknob, but she couldn't bring herself to intrude. It was much too late. So why am I staying and listening to them? The Shinigami froze when Hitsugaya started chuckling. Chuckling?!

'It's an odd feeling this, but I almost enjoy it.'

'Almost? What's that supposed to–– You're getting it in my mouth! Keep the stick out!'

'Oops.'

'Eurgh, that was gross.' Rangiku sighed in annoyance. 'What the hell, Captain? You got the liquid all in my hair now. I can't walk around with strands dripping in white.'

'I think we can quickly wash it out with water.'

Rangiku made a spitting noise. 'God, that was gross! My mouth was full of it.'

'You're such a drama Queen. It was only a little dab––'

'Tastes yucky.'

'Well, seeing as you've done this plenty of times, you should be using to have your mouth full of that foundation crap you wear and what's this? Lipstick?'

Nanao was leaning in so far, the door suddenly barged open, and the Lieutenant toppled over into the room, folders flying everywhere. Ears burning, she quickly sat upright, readjusted her glasses and instantly looked away. 'Ah, uh, Captain Kyōraku wanted these sent in.' Before anything more could be said, she rapidly left the room and closed the door behind her.

Frowning in confusion, Hitsugaya spoke. 'Matsumoto, please take this blindfold off me! I can't see a damn thing, and was that Ise just then?'

Moving through all of the makeup scattered across the floor, Rangiku leaned forwards and removed the scarf wrapped around her Captain's eyes. He was still holding the lipstick from before, and it fell from his hand when he saw his work. 'You look like a clown! Have you seen yourself in the mirror?'

'What?' Rangiku hadn't bothered to check. Too confident in her Captain's work. Bravely, she grabbed a small mirror from her desk. 'Oh my God! What did you do to my face?!'

'You wanted to do this stupid challenge! Put makeup on you while I was blindfolded. What the heck? You had me using this?'

'That's called eyeliner, you idiot!' Matsumoto snatched it from him. 'Hey, at least you were able to sharpen it. Thank you.'

'You're not walking around looking like that.' Angry, Tōshirō stood to his feet. 'No one takes us seriously anyway, thanks to you. Don't go ahead and make things worse.'

'As if I'd walk around looking like something out of a horror film!'

'You usually do.

Hitsugaya fell into his seat when bottles of makeup were thrown at him.