He Did It!
Babysitting
(Note to readers: There is not enough of the laughing gas in whipped cream to actually do anything. This isn't reality, folks. There's stuff in the whipped cream gas that can actually hurt you, so be smart and don't try this at home.)
With a final slurred shout of 'Gaia Shore, bitch!' from outside, the door to Seventh Heaven slammed open with the sloppy ferocity only drunks can accomplish. Zack tried shushing Reno, even though the ravenette was the one making all the racket.
Zack giggled madly as he attempted to lean against the nearest table, but failed. He cursed at it and demanded for it to stop skipping around. A squiggly smile appeared on his face again. "Reno! This is Edge, no ocean around here!" Zack sang, sounding like a dehydrated turtle. The redhead just waggled his finger and scrunched up his face in an imitation of Tseng.
The wasted men guffawed at the knee-slapping-worthy action until Zack abruptly stopped as a light flickered on, illuminating a body. They weren't alone.
Zack's face at the pissed Cloud standing before him was the epitome of all faces. It was a mix between 'oh shit, I just got caught drunk after curfew', and guilty while struggling to find an excuse. Not to mention semi-serious, thinking about the oncoming lash of threats brewing in the blonde.
So much for stealthily sneaking in.
The Turk pointed at the blonde and laughed, oblivious (as most drunks are) to the current stare down between the duo. "Haaah! Dude, what up with-?"
Before Reno could finish the sentence, Zack shoved him out the door and clumsily locked it, knowing the redhead would only make things worse.
Tapping an outstretched bunny slipper encased foot, Cloud crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at the ravenette. Trying to keep his expression glued on his face instead of dropping to the floor and shattering due to the wrenching laughs wanting to break free, Zack hung his head.
How can you not laugh at dorky Cloud though? Here he was, pink bunnies on his feet, floral rob on, and a frying pan equipped in his hand. And. . .were those curlers proffesionaly placed in his hair?
Cloud's scowl deepened. "You better not laugh." he demanded and waved the pan menacingly, knowing what Zack was trying to hide.
Zack was silent. "Are those Tifa's hair curlers?" he suddenly asked. He couldn't hold it in anymore and started to howl with laughter. His cheeks (red due to the alcohol) were jiggling. Cloud rolled his eyes but tightened his grip on the handle of the frying pan.
"Do you know how late you are? I told you I was going out with Tifa tonight at eight thirty. You come back drunk, an hour late." the blonde scolded like the typical housewife on her time of the month.
Zack muttered out a meaningless apology.
"No, Zack. I don't want to here 'sorry man.' and then you blaming it all on Angeal, who has nothing to do with this. If anything, I should call him over to have a talk with you about responsibility."
Oh, crap no. That was the Mother of all threats. Angeal always had serious talks with him about everything, even pointless things, with the most expressionless look ever. It was always so creepy; especially back a few years ago when the man decided to have 'The Talk' with him (Even though it wasn't needed). It also didn't help that a clueless Sephiroth decided to walk in at that moment. You would swear that the General was locked in a lab for his whole life. The silver haired man didn't even know what a-.
"Zack!" Cloud yelled, trying to get Zack's attention.
"Huh?" Zack asked dumbly, getting snapped out of his foggy drunk thoughts.
Waving the frying pan around as if deciding where to inflict damage on the intoxicated man, Cloud said "You need to be more responsible. I did tell you you were going to watch the kids tonight."
What? When did he agree on this? Blasphemy! "But I- Reno promised free drinks. . ." Zack whined pitifully.
Cloud just stuck his nose in the air, not wanting to hear any more.
"You know, my Grammy used to have glasses like those. . ." Zack thought out loud. From behind his cheesy, feminine cat eye glasses that he only wore at home, Cloud glared at him. Wasn't squinting just going to make his eye sight worse?
"Tifa and I are leaving in ten minutes. Since you're obviously not fit to even change your own underwear," Cloud said and stopped to eye Zack in disgust.
Zack's face flushed darker than it already was. "That was once!"
"Vincent will be in charge." Cloud continued. "Our numbers are written on a sticky note stuck to the kitchen fridge." Cloud finished. With that, he turned on his heel and marched up the stairs.
Ugh, Vincent. The kids needed a better baby sitter; a better role model! And he and Yuffie were the ones.
. . .Now if only he could place his foot in front of the other so he could make it up the stairs. . .
The minute the door shut behind the exiting couple, devious grins were shared amongst Yuffie, Denzel and Marlene.
Vincent watched them, suspicious about what they were all plotting telepathically. He frowned disapprovingly.
Zack was just in a drunk stupor.
With a sly movement of her hand and a quick wink directed at the kids, Yuffie dashed to the kitchen and the children eagerly followed. Vincent raised an eyebrow and kept a close eye from the doorway. Right when a box of cookie dough mix was removed from the cupboard, Zack's eyes lit up.
sShoving Vincent out of the way, Zack stumbled into the kitchen. If Cloud were still here, he would pick on the ravenettes excitement to bake, saying some witty joke about women in the kitchen.
"Okay. Marlene, get the bowl. Denzel, get everything else." Yuffie instructed. Denzel whined.
"Why do I have to do everything?" Why did his aunt treat Marlene like she was a saint? Because that little girl was a demon in disguise!
Yuffie turned and pointed a whisk at the boy who was slowly starting to reach her height. "You want cookies, right?"
Denzel nodded.
"Then shaddup and help!" the ninja said, perfectly mimicking Cid. Denzel quietly obeyed while Marlene stifled a giggle.
Tripping on an imaginary dust bunny, Zack hauled himself up and brought his head down, perched his chin on Yuffie's thin shoulder. She flinched. "Gods, Zack! Get your bony chin out of my shoulder. That hurts!" she complained and attempted to shank him with a gallon of milk. Just to be a punk, Zack put more pressure on her shoulder and moved his jaw. Yuffie stomped on his toe.
"Get your bony shoulder out of my chin!" Zack retorted. Finally, he was sent sprawling on the floor by Yuffie as he groaned in pain and clutched his knee. "I just wanted to help make cookies!" he cried out.
Vincent snorted and shook his head from his spot against the open doorway. If there was one thing the demonic man knew, it was never to sass Yuffie. He learned that when he said something about high heels, only to get one chucked at his head. He thoughtfully rubbbd his left ear with his claw. Thank Gods he still has it after that incident.
The pint-sized ninja somehow managed to successfully create the dough, swatting Zack's grubby hands from it in the process.
Once the tray with the disfigured blobs were inserted into the oven, Marlene shouted, "Lets play hide and seek!"
"Yeah!" Denzel agreed excitedly. "Uncle Vincent, play with us!" he urged the man.
Vincent shook his head. "I can't play." he replied, breaking the childrens' hearts. Marlene's lip started to tremble, which got to the steely Vincent Valentine.
He simply pointed to his shoes; his clack-ity, metallic clunkers that can still be heard from underwater.
"But that'd make it easy to find you!" Marlene said sweetly, despite the predatory glint in her eye.
Vincent shook his head, trying to conceal how scary he thought that comment was. What would happen if she found him? Tie him up in jump rope and force him to play dolls with her? Try to squeeze him into her nine year-old fashions?
Shrugging, Marlene demanded that Yuffie count and then find her and Denzel. And Zack, when he begged to be included.
Yuffie went over to the corner and began to count slowly to twenty. Just like that, the two children (and one drunk) hurried off to find some tiny nook to cram themselves into.
A whole, whopping fourty five minutes later, Yuffie had successfully rounded up the young ones. It wasn't her best record, but at least she didn't lose the kids again.
She had found Denzel hidden behind Marlene's over-sized stuffed animals, his black sock sticking out amongst the pink and white fluffiness. While Marlene somehow convinced Vincent in letting her hide inside his giant cape.
Now all that was left was finding that annoying little drunk...
Where could he possibly be hiding? It's unnatural for Zack to be this quiet. If the ravenette were sober and playing, you'd be able to hear his heavy snot-filled breathing and blatantly see him hiding behind a wilting potted plant.
But now, he was silent. And dangerously clever for his own good. The man was DRUNK for God's sake! This is also Zack we're talking about! How is that humanly possible?
"Hey, Zack." Yuffie called as she stalked down the upstairs hall, flanked by Denzel and Marlene. "We have whipped cream in the fridge." she called temptingly, the idea suddenly popping into her head.
Denzel tapped Yuffie on the arm. "What's whipped cream have to do with anything?" he whispered. She grinned.
"Remember that time you went to the dentist? And got doped up on that gas?" she continued. Yuffie could practically sense Zack's ears perking up from wherever he was hidden. This was definitely going to work. "Well, the gas in the whipped cream does that same thing!"
Almost immediately, a creak and a shatter was heard from downstairs as Zack raced to the kitchen.
"Wow, Auntie Yuffie!" the young girl cried at her aunt's cleverness. "Uncle Cid lied when he called you a-" Marlene started, only to have Yuffie cover her mouth to prevent the young girl from parroting the pilot's colorful language.
Once going down the stairs to catch the drunken man redhanded, they heard Vincent shouting from the kitchen.
"No, Zack. Bad Puppy." the demonic man shouted, oddly emotionless.
A bizarre snarling sound answered Vincent. Yuffie cautiously peered her head around the corner to the kitchen, hands flying to her knee high boots in search for her shuriken. She just might have to pin whatever was growling at her Vinnie if it tried to eat her sexy vamp.
Zack was plopped in the corner of the kitchen, legs kicking at a peacefully advancing Vincent while clutching a can of whipped cream in his arms. A wild look was in his eyes as if he were a mad man seeing hallucinations of dancing pink mice trying to stab at him with sewing needles.
"You can't take it, I won't let you!" Zack shouted, throat sounding clogged from whipped cream. He lifted the nozzle up to his mouth and pressed the tip, can upwards. A hiss of air escaped from the colorful aluminum only to get sucked into the ravenettes mouth. He then proceeded to actually shoot some whip cream into his mouth.
The result was a mess.
Zack continued to gargle out incomprehensible sentence fragments, spewing out globs of cream in the process. Vincent tried to reason with him as if telling him not to jump off the bar's roof ledge.
"Hey Marlene, do you smell that?" Denzel asked the brown haired girl next to him. She sniffed the air.
"Oh my gosh!" she squealed, eyes round. "Auntie Yuffie, the cookies!"
It was then that the little ninja smelled chocolate chip cookies being incinerated to a crisp.
As she rushed to the oven, the fire alarm went off. An unholy chorus of screeching and beeping echoed throughout the building, which complemented Zack's insane cries.
"Shit, OW!" Yuffie seethed and glared at the oven for burning her as she frantically reached inside to withdraw the deliciously blackened fire hazards.
"That's bad for you!" Vincent shouted at Zack as he continued to suck in the precious gas like a fish would with water.
"Get the fire extinguisher!" Denzel shouted to Marlene. Marlene tripped over a stray cooking utility in the way of the bar's fire extinguisher and face-planted into the tile, only to get a minor nose bleed. She started to cry.
"Fucking Zack, you idiot!" Yuffie screamed. It was his fault that the house almost burned down! If it wasn't for him being drunk he would have been a clumsy elephant during hide and seek, making him easier to find. She snatched a cooking utility and chucked it at the ravenettes head.
He yowled and clutched his head, dropping the can only to have it roll into Vincent's claw.
They were all busy with stopping their own bits of chaos that they didn't hear the door creak open.
As soon as he stepped in, Cloud shut his eyes and held a clenched fist to his forehead, slightly pounding himself with it at what was happening infront of him.
"I knew letting Zack into the bar was a bad idea. I should have just left him outside like a hobo." he muttered to himself, as Tifa gasped and hurried over to stop an injured Marlene's blood loss.
After a long wait, I present to you all the sequel to Destructive Duo; "He did it!" I would have typed it up sooner but everythings just been so hectic lately. I'd like to thank my Beta, Lartovio (who also Beta-ed Destructive Duo) for editing this chapter for me and hopefully the rest of the series! I have so many promises for this story and I just have ideas pouring out of my ears (as nasty as that sounds xD) Hopefully I'll be able to continue this with all those plot bunnies with some motivation from reviews :)
~Sabby-Sama