Housewarming Encounters

By: El Chacal

Rated T

Disclaimer: you all know the drill. I don't own any of the characters from the WWF, In Plain Sight, Law & Order CI, Law & Order SVU, Burn Notice or Monk. If I did, I would have this produced on TV, not written here.

It had been one hell of a week for Mary Shannon. For the past few days, she had been receiving 'housewarming' gifts from people she never met before.

A giant wrestler from the World Wrestling Federation gave her a folding chair.

A peculiar New York detective who looked as big as a bear gave her a strawberry rhubarb pie.

A timid, tweed-clad, neurotic detective from San Francisco had somehow busied himself in rearranging the flowerbed in the front yard. It took both his assistant and Marshall Mann to get him to cease and desist on his ocd behavior. Then the neurotic detective's assistant came over and gave her a plate of brownies.

Then, of course, Sam Axe, her old friend from the FBI, showed up with a bottle of Johnnie Walker and a snowglobe from Florida. She hadn't seen him since he left for Miami. That visit was better somewhat since they knew each other and it wasn't that weird...right away, that is.

Just as she thought it was all over, she had almost forgot that she had invited a neighbor that she helped to hide for the second time since her abrupt reappearance to appear in court. They spoke for a while and kept cordial with each other despite Mary's sister and mother calling from time to time with their frequent and customary antics.

Moments later, they heard the doorbell ring. Opening the door, Mary was greeted by a man with short, dark hair and blue eyes and a brunette woman with brown eyes. Both were caucasian and carried the aura of being detectives. From the look on their faces, it was clear to her that they were from New York too.

"Hello, we're here on behalf of the USA Network to welcome you to the neighborhood." Stabler started as Mary looked at them as if she knew them. "You're from New York, aren't you?"

"Yes, we are. How did you know?" Olivia asked.

"Another detective came over saying the same thing. Though he did seem a bit weird."

"Well we have brought some gifts from Manhattan." Olivia said as she and Elliot gave her two double tall mocha lattes and a dozen fresh-baked bagels. How they remained hot and fresh even after traveling from New York to New Mexico, she didn't know.

Looking at them closer, she recognized the descriptions the blonde woman told her.

"You're detective Elliot Stabler, right?" Mary Shannon asks before turning to the woman. "That would make you detective Olivia Benson." Upon their nods, she smirked as if she knew something they didn't. "Thanks for the free breakfast. Actually, there's something that I'm supposed to give to you as well."

She hands Elliot the divorce papers already signed by Kathy. "The marriage between you and Kathy, from what I've been informed on, hit the rocks and sank faster than the Titanic. Having another kid can't patch up a marriage. You know it, I know it, and in some way, even your partner knows it."

Elliot looked at Olivia and knew what he had to do. Taking the pen offered to him by Mary, Elliot signed his name, making it official.

"Now that you've broken free from that straightjacket marriage, Elliot, I think it's time to really make it official."

Instantly, before either of them could do anything, Mary split down the front of Olivia's shirt, exposing the other woman's chest. "Wow, those are huge!" Mary said, handing Elliot a key. With her eyes still glued on Olivia's cleavage, Mary couldn't help herself. She had to ask.

"Are they real?" she said. Olivia nodded, though frozen in shock at what happened. However, the next thing caused both her and Elliot to gasp as Mary grabbed Olivia's breasts in her hands. "Yup, they are real."

Taking a once over glance at Elliot, Mary replied, "Apparently, you liked this more than me." Pointing towards the key in Elliot's hand after releasing Olivia from her grasp, Mary explained.

"The nearest hotel is three blocks from here. Just tell the front desk I sent you there. They'll comp the room thinking you're undercover. Oh, yeah, one more thing: Thanks for the coffee." Taking another look at Olivia, Mary smirked as she went back into her house. "Damn."

With that, the door closed in front of the two detectives who started making out, groping each other frantically. Just as they were about to start rippng clothes off, Mary came back out of the house.

"I don't think I need to be welcomed to the neighborhood with a live sex show in my front yard. The hotel's not far from here. So use the key and get a damn room, you two hormone-crazed cops." Mary said, even though she was practically certain that the body heat between the two of them could have restarted the Chicago fire.

With one look to each other, Elliot and Olivia jumped in the car and hauled ass to the hotel.

Going back inside, Mary toasted her coffee with Alex Cabot as they watched the two detectives practically make a mad dash for the car. "Thanks, Mary. I've been waiting a long time to see that happen."

"Haven't we all?" Mary said with a smile on her face.

A/n: I saw the CI promo where Goren 'welcomed' Mary Shannon to the USA Network. I thought this would be good for a laugh.