4am Forever
Yesterday I lost my closest friend
He's standing on the river court four years later when he really allows himself to think about that day.
The day when everyone had been so happy. When they'd stood on this very tarmac and professed that nothing was going to change. When he stood with Peyton Sawyer after everybody had left and told her he would love her forever.
It took one word for forever to be shattered…
No.
Yesterday I wanted time to end
I wonder if my heart will ever mend
He won't ever pretend that he wasn't heartbroken, because he was. She was the love of his life, they were together (after so many years of build up) and then… they weren't.
He spits angrily on the ground before looking up into the sky, it's close to 4 am and he shouldn't be here consumed with the past… he should be with Lindsey. But he's not, he's here… at the river court still slowly stewing over something that happened so long ago.
He was fine until he realised that she was back. Peyton Sawyer and Brooke Davis were back in Tree Hill after four years. Peyton Sawyer was back in Tree Hill after three years of virtually no contact and he absolutely hated the fact that he ached to see her, to simply talk to her.
He hated it.
Because she'd given up on them.
He'd asked for everything and she'd broken his heart.
He's startled by footsteps, he recognises the tap of a heel and closes his eyes.
He knows she's not just in Tree Hill anymore; she's here at the river court. With him.
The footsteps stop and he knows that she's noticed him. There's nothing left to do but turn around… and so he does.
He isn't prepared for her to have gotten even more beautiful than when he last saw her, he isn't prepared for the way his throat painfully constricts and it's suddenly hard to draw breath. And he isn't prepared for the fact that all he wants to do is wrap his arms around her.
Lucas Scott and Peyton Sawyer stand facing each other for the first time in years and through his bitterness, anger and sense of betrayal a small contradiction makes its way into his thoughts, its contents making him feel slightly guilty. Maybe, just maybe it was his fault as much as hers.
I just let you slip away
She speaks first, a simple greeting and he nods at her 'hey'. He doesn't trust himself to speak just yet. His heart is throbbing in his chest and he hasn't felt more alive in years.
He both loves and hates that she still evokes this reaction in him.
They're silent for a few minutes as they just simply study each other, her hair is longer and wavier, her eyes are mysterious again and slightly less sparkly than when he'd last looked into them. She's beautiful and he hates it.
An acid taste fills his mouth and he can't help but spit out the first question he's wanted to ask in three long years. The question he's agonised over for years, the question he's lay in bed staring at the ceiling mulling over in his head unable to sleep,
'Why didn't you come?'
He can see she's slightly taken aback by his rudeness.
'What?'
'To the book signing… why didn't you come?' He asks again, his tone biting.
'I-' She stops and his eyes are burning into hers. She swallows visibly and he can see she's shaking slightly until she says, 'I just knew we weren't meant to be.'
He feels like all the winds being knocked out of him.
And just like that his heart shatters again.
4 am forever
He doesn't speak to her after that but in the days that follow he sees her around town and in the pit of his stomach there's a hollow ache, an ache that, no matter how much he tries, can't be buried with anything he does with Lindsey.
He knows that Peyton knows he has a girlfriend and he kind of takes a vindictive pleasure out of showing that he's moved on.
He doesn't let himself think that there was nothing that was further from the truth.
Their only contact is when he offers her TRIC to set up her label, he can't help but simply want to help her however he can. He figures not being alone together might be the best thing because, however much he hates it, the fact is that when their eyes meet there's simply no one else in the room. And he wonders how after having no contact for over three years that they still have this connection between them… this fire that hasn't seemed to dissipate overtime at all.
He doesn't think he sees her as mad as she is when he tells her that the guy she's blatantly flirting with at Brooke's store opening 'isn't good enough for her'. He really doesn't understand how he's crossed any line. He's looking out for her, he's saving her. She doesn't need a guy like him.
It takes him lying in bed for a few hours mulling over the events of the night to realise that she wasn't his to save anymore.
He closes his eyes at the revelation and grimaces before opening them again. His gaze meet the basketball in his room and although it's really late he thinks that shooting a few hoops might just be what he needed. It'll tire him out and hopefully then he'd be able to sleep.
What he doesn't count on is Peyton sitting on one of the bleachers, pad out and sketching with concentration.
What was she doing out at 4 in the morning?
'What're you doing here?' He asks and she nearly jumps out of her skin.
'Jesus, Lucas.' She breathes deeply and closes her eyes.
'Sorry.' He says and it's genuine. 'Why are you here Peyt?'
She grimaces internally at the nickname but Lucas sees the look that crosses her face and he wonders how they ever got so far apart.
'It's a free country.' She shrugged and he feels his temper rise.
'It's 4 am! You don't know who's out here at this sort of time…'
'Yeah I do. You.' She smirks and he tries hard not to grin because her smile is infectious.
'I-It's not- Someone could hurt you and no one would even know.'
Peyton gives a short bitter laugh and Lucas looks at her in slight annoyance.
'Will you drop this protective crap? It's old, so stop pretending that you give a shit.'
Her words touch a nerve and Lucas feels his temper rise even more. 'Whatever you think Peyton; I do care about you.'
Peyton looks at him for a second and he doesn't think he's ever seen her so lost and… sad. Her eyes simply echo what they used to be and the sparkle has completely gone.
Maybe I'll never see you smile again
Maybe you thought that it was all pretend
All these words that I can never send
Lucas sighs and can't help but recognise that all his words do is get him into trouble, because he never truly says what he feels. He's only ever done that a few times; the first was at Dan's party so many years ago when Peyton rejected him, the second was the state championship when they were finally on the same page and the third was the stupid proposal.
He inwardly snorts, no wonder he has trouble communicating his feelings. Every feeling he's ever conveyed which has shown his true heart has been shot down. He dismisses his thoughts and focuses on Peyton instead.
She's turned away from him and sketching again. He can't help but silently move a little closer to peer over her shoulder at her drawing. He draws in a sharp breath and Peyton quickly looks at him, closing the sketch pad with a snap.
'Is that Jamie?' He asks in awe.
'Yeah. It's not- I haven't sketched in a long time. Years in fact.' Peyton said sheepishly tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.
Lucas doesn't believe he's seen anything so endearing.
'It's amazing.' He breathes out and she looks at him with guarded eyes. He somehow knows what's going on in her head and he steps a little closer and tugs the sketch book out of her hand.
'Hey.' She says quietly and goes to take it back but he puts it out of her reach, she huffs and he suddenly feels seventeen all over again. He smirks but quickly rifles through the pages, there are only a few drawings but they are absolutely amazing.
'Seriously.' He affirms before passing her book back.
His memory instantaneously takes him back to the time where he first saw her sketches and submitted them to THUD and she yelled at him for doing it. He misses the feelings he had then. They were so clear, so unconfused… he wanted to be with her. He'd loved her.
His eyes meet hers and he feels like he's stuck in time, the world ceases to exist apart from the two of them and he honestly feels as if time stands still. They aren't very far apart and he's suddenly very much aware of this fact, yet the warm tingly feeling in the pit of his stomach urges him on.
I just them slip away
4 am forever
He doesn't intend on kissing her. He doesn't intend on any of the feelings he's long since buried to bubble to the surface. But she's been back in town for a month and a half now and he's been growing increasingly crazy with want for someone that he's pretty sure has had his heart since the first time he saw her.
She pushes him away without hesitation and he stumbles a little.
He's taken aback by his own actions and he stands there breathing heavily as she places a hand over her mouth. She's looking at him as if he's crazy and she closes her eyes as she exhales, he can tell she's furious.
'How dare you?'
She stumbles around a sentence as she looks at him and he can't help but just stand there, he supposes he should feel a little guilt for what he just initiated but instead he wants to do it again. So he moves a little closer again and brushes a hand across her cheek, her eyes flutter closed and this time she meets his lips and he feels like something is exploding in his stomach.
His hand brushes across her cheek again before dropping to her waist as her fingers make their way into his hair; it's unlike anything he's felt in so long. Their lips fit together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and he's missed her. His tongue strokes hers and he's completely lost… he pulls them even closer together subconsciously and then suddenly her mouth has left his.
He opens his eyes and blinks stupidly at Peyton who's put a comfortable distance between them. She looks absolutely distraught as she pushes a hand through her hair.
'What the fuck are we doing Lucas? Scratch that, what the fuck are you doing?'
The venom in her voice makes him cringe and he answers with all the honesty he has, 'I don't know.'
She shakes her head venomously and looks at him for the last time, 'I'm not making the same mistake again, I won't be that girl.'
He watches as she walks away from him, he notices her sketch pad on the concrete and picks it up, 'Peyton!' He calls but she doesn't turn around, 'Peyt!' He yells but her walk becomes faster and he sighs.
Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you?
Why don't you listen when I try to make it through to you
Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye
You never know
Hold a little tighter
4 am forever
He doesn't want her walking home alone. But he has a feeling she would literally kill him if he tried to walk her home. He's crossed a line they'd been tentatively treading for over a month now and suddenly the guilt encases him.
Lindsey. She deserves better than this, hell… Peyton deserves better than this.
He runs a hand over his face and nearly jumps out of his skin when he opens his eyes again and someone's standing on the river court with him.
'Hales?' He says after a minute.
She walks a little closer and despite the nights proceedings he breaks into a tired smile. It takes him a second to realise she isn't remotely happy, instead she's frowning and when she sees the notebook in his hand she lets out a bitter chuckle before shaking her head.
'What're you doing here?' He asks, it's trivial but he's trying to make conversation.
'I couldn't sleep. My mind kept going over and over what a rollercoaster our lives have been the last few months…'
'Nathan?' Lucas asks quickly, concern lacing his tone.
'No, not Nathan. He's doing better than he has in months. You Lucas, what the hell are you doing?'
'What-'
'I see it everyday Luke. I see the way you look at Peyton, I see the way you talk about her… and I've ignored it. I should have known that this thing you both have is just a bomb waiting to go off. And now it has. I saw you. You kissed Peyton. What did you think you were doing?'
Lucas closes his eyes and sighs, the guilt has well and truly set in now and he has no idea what to tell his best friend.
'I don't know.'
'Well you better work it out before a lot of people get hurt.'
She walks away from him and he feels absolutely awful.
He spends an hour sitting on the river court thinking and looking at Peyton's sketches then he walks home and makes what he's sure, is the biggest mistake of his life. But the only outcome that he sees suitable, this way no-one gets hurt. He's hurting Peyton by rehashing the past (she deserves so much better than him and what he can give her), he's hurting Lindsey by rehashing his feelings for Peyton. And so a solution to these problems leads him to do something that, after he's done it, he instantly regrets.
He proposes to Lindsey.
Maybe one day when I can move alone
Maybe someday when you can hear this song
You won't let it slip away
4 am forever
He doesn't see Peyton for a few days and he doesn't know whether that's a good or a bad thing. His friends are… well, surprised to say the least. Nathan gives him a slightly incredulous look before offering them his congratulations and when he tells Haley she doesn't speak for a total of two minutes before Lindsey tentatively says,
'Haley.'
Then she snaps out of her reverie and says, 'Congratulations!'
Haley hugs Lindsey and Lucas catches her eye, she looks completely disbelieving. Like she can't believe this is actually happening and when Lindsey leaves the room she turns quickly to Lucas,
'Have you lost your mind?'
'No. I've made a choice.' Lucas answers and even as he says it he feels as though he's become numb to any sort of emotion. This was his punishment for royally screwing up his and Peyton's relationship; he would pretend to be completely happy for the rest of his life.
And he was okay with that, he figured he deserved as much. Lindsey would be happy; Peyton would move on and be happy.
And he… well he'd put on a pretty convincing show.
In the days that follow Lucas still hasn't seen Peyton and he's actually starting to worry. He finds her sketchbook and thinks that's a pretty good reason for a visit, and so makes his way over to her and Brooke's house.
He knocks on the door and Brooke answers. She looks at him stonily and he jokes, 'Hi to you too Brooke.'
She pulls him in and shuts the door, 'Have you gone completely crazy? Are you trying to screw up as many lives as possible here?'
'What are you on about?'
'Kissing Peyton and then proposing to Lindsey, what the hell is wrong with you?'
He grimaces and says, 'I'm trying Brooke… I'm trying to make everything right.'
'You have a funny way of going about things then.'
'I'm sorry.'
'I don't need your apologies. Peyton does.'
'I can't- I can't be around her.' He says shamefully.
'Because you love her.'
He grimaces at the word and looks at the floor, 'You know what? Luke, you're one of my closest friends but Peyton is my best friend and I'm not going to stand by and watch her go through this.'
'I'm not asking you to.' He insists and they don't talk for a minute until she says,
'What did you come for?'
'Peyton- she, er, left her sketchbook on the river court.'
Lucas hands it to Brooke and she quirks an eyebrow, 'Ah yes, after you attacked her.'
'I didn't attack her.'
'All right then, after you pounced.'
'That's even worse… and not at all funny.' Lucas answers before heading for the door, Brooke's voice stops him.
'When are you ever going to follow your heart Lucas Scott?'
He looks at her and finds himself completely devoid of speech, so instead of answering he leaves.
Lucas and Lindsey decide to have a joint party instead of separate bachelor and bachelorette parties and he walks around the whole thing, people congratulating him left, right and centre completely numb to the whole thing. He should be looking forward to the biggest day of his life… and he's dreading it.
He's good at masking his emotions though, no one suspects him. Even Haley has had a change of heart and has decided to accept his spontaneous decision. He stops suddenly as he sees Peyton enter. She looks stunning and he doesn't know why he's so surprised, she always looks stunning. She's with Brooke and Owen… he raises a drink to his lips as he watches the group from afar. He pauses in the motion of taking a sip when Peyton laughs at something before placing a hand on the chest of the guy who's standing in front of her.
His heart beats faster and he feels the blood throbbing in his head as the man slides a drink into Peyton's hand. He doesn't recognise the guy but he instantly hates him, with a passion.
It doesn't go unnoticed that he spends the whole night with his eyes firmly on the 'couple'. Brooke comes over to him at one point and says that he's literally 'burning holes through her'. Nathan tells him to cool it and he can tell his brother is less than impressed with his behaviour.
But he doesn't care, Lindsey is absent… showing off her ring to anyone that cares to see it and conversation that people try to engage him in is quickly ended.
They have a small dance floor and typically Lucas and Lindsey are the first to dance, in preparation for their husband and wife dance the following day. But then Nathan and Haley, Brooke and Owen and Peyton and the 'stranger' join and his eyes are once again glued to the two of them. He's pulled Peyton impossibly close and his hands are on her hips as hers glide across his shirt and up to wind around his neck. He hates the thoughts that are going through his head and when the man bends down slightly to whisper in Peyton's ear he feels like knocking the guy out.
The final straw comes later on when he sees the two of them in conversation, something makes the man smile and he leans down to capture Peyton's lips. Something snaps inside of him and he marches over to them,
'Hey Peyt.'
She pulls away startled, 'Lucas.'
'So aren't you gonna introduce us?'
'Lucas this is Matt, Matt this is Lucas.'
'Matt' holds out his hand with a grin and Lucas promptly ignores it, choosing to look at Peyton instead.
'You, uh, look good.' He says blatantly looking her up and down and he sees her go slightly pink.
'Thanks. You too.'
'So how do you know each other?' He asks gesturing between the two of them. Peyton's eyes narrow but she answers,
'Matt is my date.'
He's expecting the answer but his heart still goes into free fall. 'Well that was fast.'
There's a double meaning behind his words and she scowls at him, how can he say she was moving fast?
'Yeah well I couldn't keep her off me.'
The look Lucas gives Matt as he says it could kill and Peyton puts down her glass quickly, 'I think we should go.'
Matt slides his arm around Peyton's waist again, seemingly oblivious to any tension, and the two walk out just as Lucas starts to feel like the biggest jerk in the universe.
I wish the sun would never come
Its 4 am and what have I done
He's on the river court again in the early hours of the morning, its starting to become a regular occurrence for him, when he becomes aware that he's been joined.
'You have such a nerve.' Peyton says and he turns around. 'Who are you to say I'm moving fast…'
'I know…' He starts but she cuts him off.
'You're the one who kissed me and then proposed to someone else…'
'I know…'
'… which means that I'm at perfect liberty to fuck around with whoever I want to.'
Her words make him grimace and he studies her. She's not that sort of person. Yet, he takes in her appearance… her slightly mussed hair and he knows (from experience) that it's her post-sex hair.
He hates that he knows it. But he does.
'You're not like that.' He says quietly.
'You don't know me.'
And he doesn't argue, because he doesn't feel like he has the right to. He wants to say he's always known her… but they've lost their way so ridiculously that he doesn't really see any way back. So he changes the subject,
'So where's this Matt?'
'Sleeping. Where's Lindsey?' She asks harshly and he sighs.
'Sleeping.'
'Guess it's only us that can't sleep then.'
'Yeah.' He says. 'Did you get your sketches?'
'I did.'
He hates that their conversation is so stunted, because he wishes they could be like they used to be. He wishes they were still able to talk and laugh for hours, that there were no bitter thoughts and feelings of resentment floating between the two of them.
But there were. And he was the only one who could change it.
'I'm sorry.'
She waits a minute before answering, 'For what?'
'For screwing things up so badly.'
He means it on all levels. He's sorry for proposing in LA three years ago when they weren't ready, he's sorry for not swallowing his pride when she simply pointed out that fact, he's sorry for leaving, he's sorry for not calling, he's sorry for treating her badly but most of all he's sorry for picking safe with Lindsey… just like he always does.
Because he's a coward and he doesn't want to have his heart broken again.
Peyton sighs and then takes another minute to answer; when she does her answer is whispered,
'You've followed you're heart. You've made your choice.'
He looks at her and she's looking right back at him before she shrugs and says,
'Nothing's screwed up Luke… it's just… over.'
She says the words and they hit him like a tonne of bricks, something which is only amplified as she walks away from him.
They have never been over; he doesn't want them to ever be over. But he doesn't know how to fix the mess that has become his life.
I hope you know you're letting go it's 4 am and I'm alone
He thinks he may be the stupidest man alive.
Today was meant to be the happiest day of his life, he was meant to be married now. He chuckles bitterly and kicks a stone that skitters off into the river. Why wasn't anything simple?
He's tried so hard to do the right thing by everybody. And that comes back to haunt him. He'd written a book, The Comet, and Lindsey had jilted him at the alter for thinking it was about Peyton.
He shoved his hands in his pocket; he's still wearing his tux. How ironic. He doesn't know whether to be grateful that Lindsey figured something out that he was too much of a coward to face. Or to be bitter that he was left standing like an idiot at the alter after he'd pledged to love someone forever.
He just doesn't know anything anymore.
He's looking down the road when he sees her coming out of a house that he doesn't recognise. She's still in the dress she wore for his wedding and he knows she's a better friend than he has ever been to her. Hell, if she'd have been getting married he wouldn't have had the courage to go to her wedding instead he would have drowned his sorrows in a bottle of something strong… but she did it.
She is a so much better person than he will ever be. But he's known that since the first time he saw her.
He wonders why she's out so late until he sees someone lean down and press their lips to hers lightly before she walks down the drive and onto the street. He clenches his jaw, maybe that was Matt. And god, does he hate that guy.
He watches her movements and knows that she's going to cut through the river court to get home. He's appalled that the guy she was with hasn't walked her home… he would have. Actually if she'd just have spent the night with him then she wouldn't have been leaving at all. He shakes his head as she draws closer.
As soon as she's close she notices him and inwardly sighs before pulling her jacket a little closer around her.
'We need to stop meeting like this.'
He laughs, because she's smirking lightly and he just knew that she'd cheer him up somehow. He can't believe how far apart they are yet still so together at the same time.
'4 am must be our time.' He smiles and she reciprocates. He sure doesn't look like he's just lost the love of his life… instead he seems lighter and his eyes are slightly sparkly.
They look at each other and Peyton feels the need to broach the subject, 'I'm sorry… about today.'
His resolve crumbles ever so slightly and he shrugs before looking at the ground his hands are still deep in his pockets as he answers, 'It obviously wasn't meant to be.'
'But it still sucks.'
'There's nothing you can do if someone doesn't love you. But yeah, boy does it suck.' He answers and she doesn't know what else to say and so starts to walk away from him, his voice stops her.
'Where're you going?'
'Home. Generally people like to sleep at this time.' There's an amused lilt to her tone and he laughs.
'Yeah but we're not other people.'
She shakes her head, 'Maybe not you, but I need to sleep.'
He nods and she walks away from him. She's halfway down the road when he's caught up with her.
'What're you doing?'
'You don't think I'd let you walk home alone do you?'
She shakes her head as he falls into step beside her, his hands still shoved deeply into his pockets. They make a small amount of conversation on the way, she tells him about Mia's album that is currently going really well and he tells her about the book he's written, he doesn't mention her involvement, and by the time they've reached her and Brooke's house he's just finished.
'Well I'm sure it's brilliant.' She says with a smile as they reach the door.
It feels oddly like a date… the butterflies in their stomachs would certainly show it to be one.
'I doubt that.' He says sheepishly.
'Why?'
'I- well… I dunno.' He shrugs and she looks at him coyly as she opens the door.
'You have a way with words Lucas Scott.' Peyton gives him a look and his heart flips. And suddenly the fact that he nearly got married hours ago, the fact that if everything had gone to plan he'd be on his honeymoon right now… with a different woman has completely left his mind. She's just shutting the door when his voice stops her,
'Do you think- maybe, we could hang out a bit more?'
She studies him and his eyes are vulnerable. He's making a big step for them from the past few weeks and she's slightly glad but weary. She's no where near over him. But she knows he's over her so as long as she can bury her feelings there'll be little awkwardness.
'Maybe.' She answers with a small wink before closing the door, and he's left on the step of her house smiling like an idiot.
He thinks that might be the moment he forgives and forgets all of the mistakes they made together as a couple and alone as individuals.
Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you
Why don't you listen when I try to make it through to you
In the months that follow they fall into the easy friendship they had back in the summer between junior and senior year. And somehow, although neither really saw it happening, it actually works.
Lucas calls into her office at lunch so she's forced to take a break every once in a while and Peyton has already alphabetalised his record collection… which she scolded was 'in a terrible condition'. He'd simply laughed and then given her his permission to sort it through.
It was comfortable and what both of them needed.
Apart from the moments when they looked at each other for too long or when they were being playful (bordering on flirting) and one would take it a little too far. Those were the moments when they were reminded of the past. It happened only the other day when he'd been working on some notes for his novel and she'd snatched the paper out of his hand.
'Give it back. Seriously, those aren't ready to be seen by people yet.'
'Now you know how it feels to be THUDed.' She smirked before flicking through the notes.
She turned slightly and he took the opportunity to lunge at her, they both fell as Peyton let out a squeal, onto his bed in a heap.
For a few minutes all that could be heard was their slightly erratic breathing as they stared at each other, his hands were around her waist, but he was practically on top of her, and hers were resting, almost flat, against his chest the notebook clutched tightly in her hand. Lucas couldn't find it in himself to move, there was something so familiar about this… something which, until now, he hadn't realised he'd missed more than anything. Her eyes seemed to be pleading with him as if to tell him not to do anything stupid, but he couldn't heed the warning. All he knew was that he was feeling things that he hadn't allowed himself to feel for a very long time.
Their moment was ruined as Lucas' back door opened and Brooke bounded in,
'Hey Broody…' She stopped when she saw Peyton and added, 'P Sawyer… is this a bad time?'
The way she said it made Peyton wish the ground could completely swallow her. Brooke's face was a picture of giddiness and pure delight, she also had a smirk which told them she not only totally approved but would let them get back to what they'd previously been up to if they said the word.
'No, no.' Peyton said quickly pushing Lucas off her. He rolled away and sat up, feeling completely speechless. The atmosphere in the room was tense and Brooke tapped her shoe absentmindedly as she surveyed the pair of them.
'All righty then. Clearly I'm missing something here, so I'll come back.'
'No, seriously, Brooke… I'm leaving.' Peyton said, she sounded completely fearful at the prospect of them being alone again and before anyone could say anything else she'd exited with a quick, 'Bye Luke.'
The next time they saw each other Peyton pretended that nothing had changed and Lucas followed her lead. He didn't expect anything from them anymore. In fact he remained the coward he always was when it came to Peyton Sawyer, he didn't want to put himself out there only to get shot down. And so he waited for her to come forward with her feelings, something which he doubted she'd ever do again.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You never know, hold a little tighter
Peyton laughed at Haley's comment as they sat by the piano, working out a melody to her song. Brooke bounded in too and it soon turned into more of a bitch session about Brooke's mom Victoria than working on Haley's album.
That was until a knock on the door caught their attention,
'Luke.' Peyton said, surprised, 'Hey.'
'Hey you.' He smiled and then noticed the other two, 'And you, and you.'
'What're you doing here?' Peyton asked.
'I came armed with coffee…' He smiled walking over to her and handing her a cup.
'Sweet, thanks.'
'…and an invitation. Will you come to this awful dinner I have to have with my editors about The Comet?'
'Won't Lindsey…?' Peyton asked a little awkwardly.
'Ah no. She sent her apologies in an email.'
'I don't know…' Peyton said as Lucas smiled and gave her the biggest puppy dog eyes she'd ever seen, 'Oh all right. Fine.'
Lucas grinned, 'Pick you up at seven. Bye ladies.' He said walking out of her office and giving her a parting wink on the way out.
'What is going on with you two? This room was just full of sexual tension. I actually felt a little bit claustrophobic.' Haley said and Brooke nodded vigorously.
'Ha ha.' Peyton said sarcastically, 'Nothing.'
'Nothing… yeah okay, that's the biggest load of bull I've ever heard.' Brooke spluttered.
'Well you can talk about bull all you want… there's still nothing going on.'
'Uhuh.' Brooke said in a completely irritating tone, 'And me walking in on you two on top of each other was nothing, right?'
'What?' Haley squealed and Peyton stood up.
'Okay, low blow. Because that really was nothing.'
'God, you're more in denial than Lucas is.' Haley said.
'And with the crap he's pulled in the last sixth months, that's saying something!' Brooke added.
Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you
Why don't you listen when I try to make it through to you
'So, could that have been anymore awkward?' Lucas asks and Peyton laughs.
They're walking down the street after having just finished Lucas' 'work' meeting/meal. Peyton felt completely stupid sitting there and Lucas felt like an idiot as the publishing bosses seemed to know all about Lucas and Lindsey's debacle of a wedding and the metaphorical meaning of the Comet.
'Well…' Peyton says and then looks at him, 'No, no it really couldn't have been.'
He snorts and says, 'God, I'm glad it's over though.'
Peyton nods and then shivers slightly. Lucas shrugs off his suit jacket quickly and wraps it around her shoulders. He gives her shoulders a slight squeeze before letting go and she shivers again, this time for a totally different reason.
They walk in silence for a few minutes and Peyton can't help but take sneaky glances at the man beside her. He's got his hands shoved into his pockets but he looks calmer than he has in months, she saw the hurt he held when Lindsey left him. Lucas barely displayed it, but Peyton saw through his façade. But day by day it was slowly dissipating and tonight seemed to be the night he looked like he was back to the old Lucas she'd missed so much.
'You wanna come in for a bit?' She asked tentatively and he suddenly realises they're at her and Brooke's house.
'Sure.' He smiles easily and follows her into the house.
'You want anything to drink?'
He accepts her offer simply because he knows that a drink will allow him to stay longer than if he declines.
'Okay so, coffee or something a little stronger?'
Lucas laughs and says, 'Definitely something stronger.'
'Good choice.'
'After the night you've had I'm surprised you didn't try to drown your sorrows.' He says and she frowns slightly.
'What do you mean?'
'Well I wanted you there for moral support, and I am so glad you came. Really, thank you. But you can't really have wanted to go.' He smiles and she blushes slightly.
'I wasn't crazy about the idea.' She admits. 'But I loved listening to you talk about your book.'
She passes him a glass and he clinks his to hers with a wink as they take a drink, downing the small amount of liquid in one. They wince simultaneously at the taste before he says,
'What do you mean?'
'You get this… passionate tone to your voice and you use your hands a lot to show what you mean. Everyone just knew how much you believe in this book, the characters and the whole story. It was inspiring.' She smirks and he's speechless.
When he doesn't say anything her smile slowly leaves her face as she looks at him inquisitively. He puts his glass down and does something that he's sure is fuelled by the small amount of alcohol he's just consumed. He steps forward and he hears her take in a breath, but he doesn't care. He kisses her, tentatively. When she doesn't react however he pulls back and looks down at the table top feeling like the biggest fool in the world.
A second later her hands encase his cheeks and raise his head so that his eyes meet hers; they look at each other for a second before Peyton presses her lips to his again. He's taken aback but can't help but smile into the kiss as he wraps his arms quickly around her, taking full advantage of the situation.
It gets heated quickly and he's not surprised. They haven't done this… properly and guilt free, in three years and he knows that three years has lasted a life time. He pulls away breathlessly and catches her eyes, reaching up a hand he strokes her cheek and she can see the desire pooling in his eyes, she also sees a trace of an emotion that's unmistakable… and then she sees the Lucas she used to know and she's completely taken by him. She nods silently and he kisses her again before guiding them both down the corridor to Peyton's bedroom, she opens the right door and he is right behind her as she turns around kissing her like his life depended on it. It kind of reminds him of that time at Dan's beach party, the first time they kissed like this… he chuckles internally because this time neither of them are going to be walking away.
He doesn't have the strength to and as Peyton grasps his shirt he thinks that maybe she doesn't have the strength either.
It doesn't take long for their clothes to find their ways onto the floor and when he enters her they both still for a moment and Lucas can't help but close his eyes.
He finally feels as though he's where he should be, where he needs to be.
Peyton reaches up and smoothes back his hair and he opens his eyes again catching hers. He smiles and she smiles too before he leans down and captures her lips again. There's no stopping them after that and it doesn't last as long as he wanted to, then again he thinks afterwards, he wanted it to last forever and that's pretty damn impossible.
He smiles as he holds her. She's been asleep for a while but he can't. He's wondering what the hell he's done with his life and why he didn't wait for her? Why the hell didn't he swallow his damn pride… why did he ever let Peyton Sawyer go?
The only thing that allows him to fall asleep is the realisation that now is the time to make everything right.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You never know, hold a little tighter
He wakes up an hour later to a buzzing and he can't understand what the hell it is. Until he realises its coming from Peyton's beside table, he opens the first drawer and blindly reaches in grasping her phone and pulling it out. A message lights up the screen and before he's realised what he's doing he's opened it. There's one from Matt, his stomach flips over at the thought, asking whether she wants to get together anytime soon. He snorts quietly until he sees Brooke's message, 'Peyt, you love him. You can work it out.'
Lucas feels as if his stomach has fallen to the unknown. She loves him. Peyton loves this guy. He suddenly knows how she felt when they went behind Brooke's back in high school, and when he kissed her when he was still with Lindsey. He feels used.
He quickly puts the phone back into the drawer and gathers his clothes, getting dressed as quickly and quietly as possible. He leaves just as he did three years ago… with a kiss to her forehead.
And he hates himself for it… he's still the same coward he's always been.
Lucas and Peyton over the next few days don't speak to each other at all and no one understands why. Haley interrogates him about it several times but he doesn't have the heart to tell her. He's ashamed of his own actions and just when he thought he could make everything right he screwed up… again. He's so sick of doing that.
Peyton tells Brooke, but only because Brooke comes home to her crying the morning after on the sofa and then after getting nothing out of her for a half hour walks down the hallway only to find the tie Lucas was wearing the night before lying on the floor. She sighs and everything falls into place.
They sit for a while, Peyton's head on Brooke's shoulder,
'What am I gonna do with you two?' She sighs.
'I'm so sick of feeling like this.' Peyton says sitting up suddenly and wiping her eyes.
'I know honey.' Brooke answers sympathetically.
'So I'm gonna do something about it… I'm leaving.'
'Good for you… wait, you're what?'
'I'm going to go on tour with Mia.'
'Honey, you do realise you're doing exactly what you do best right?'
'And what's that?'
'You're running.'
Peyton shrugs, 'I don't care. I can't be here anymore.'
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Nathan and Haley throw her a 'going away on tour' party a week later and Lucas feels as though he's losing her all over again. He's shocked at the news and spends the whole 'party' sulking and dodging talking to anyone. In fact he just acts like a stalker most of the time, watching Peyton talking to everyone and laughing as if nothing's changed.
Everything's changed. And yet, it hasn't at the same time.
He still feels like the fourteen year old entranced by the girl with skinny legs and curly blonde hair. He stills feels like the sixteen year old mesmerised by the talent and passion this girl displayed, enveloped in mystery. And he still feels like the eighteen year old telling the girl he'd 'love her forever'.
He watches his friends and knows that they're more upset about Peyton leaving than they're letting on. And somehow he knows it's his fault. She announces a couple of hours later that she has some last minute packing to do. He watches as she gives Haley a hug and then Nathan who squeezes her tightly and whispers something in her ear that makes her laugh and pull away before smacking his chest lightly. She then turns to Jamie and bends down, the smallest Scott boy nearly knocks her over when he throws his arms around her neck and at that point Lucas has to look away, taking a strong sip of his drink instead.
She leaves and he's left wondering why the hell he has to fuck everything up?
'You can still stop her you know.' Nathan says and he sighs. 'Look Luke, you're my brother and I love ya but… why do you insist on hurting her?'
He swallows hard and Nathan places a hand on his shoulder, 'I would kick your ass but I know that whatever happened between you two is hurting you as well.'
Nathan sighs when he gets no response and then Lucas hears Haley's voice,
'Luke, you can change this.'
'She's- she's moved on.' Lucas said his throat constricting.
This time Brooke's voice answered him with a scoff, 'Since when does sleeping together equate to moving on?'
Nathan and Haley look at each other quickly at the news but as Haley goes to open her mouth, Nathan sends her a look and she keeps quiet.
'I saw the text Brooke. You said she loves this Matt guy.'
Brooke looks at him incredulously before laughing loudly, something which startles all three adults, 'You are a complete and utter idiot, Luke, seriously.'
'Am I missing something?'
'It was about you. You freaking moron.'
'What?' Lucas said standing up and putting his glass down.
'Peyton loves you. How can you even think any differently… she's always loved you.'
'But-'
'Matt was a fling. They were nothing more than a friends with benefits kind of thing, you moron.'
Lucas digests the information before running a hand over his face and muttering, 'Fuck.'
'Is that why you left?' Brooke asks and he nods, before she snorts.
'God, you two are the king and queen of miscommunication. Seriously when will you both ever be on the same page?'
'I need to stop her. I can't- she can't leave… we need to sort things out.' He murmurs and Brooke claps her hands
'Finally. Well now that you've figured that out get your ass moving!'
You never know, hold a little tighter
Lucas doesn't knock on the door to Peyton and Brooke's house, instead he barges his way in. His heart falls as he sees her passport on the counter and he runs through the house and into her bedroom. She looks up startled at his entrance; she places the clothes in her suitcase and faces him with an inquisitive look on her face.
He holds up a finger and says, 'I'm sorry.'
She folds her arms across her chest but doesn't say anything and he elaborates, 'I'm sorry, for everything. I'm sorry for being too stupid to realise you didn't say no, I'm sorry for walking out on us, I'm sorry for kissing you when I was with Lindsey, I'm sorry for proposing to Lindsey when I knew deep down she wasn't the one for me and I'm sorry for leaving again the night of the meal. I've been such an ass Peyt, and I'm sorry.'
Peyton sighs before unfolding her arms and zipping up her suitcase, 'I appreciate the apology Luke.'
Lucas stands there as she lifts the suitcase off her bed and he wordlessly moves out of the doorway as she motions to get past. She's halfway down the hall when he speeds after her again, 'What're you doing?'
'Getting ready.' She chuckles, but there's no humour in her voice. 'To go on tour.'
'What? But I-'
'Luke, despite your apology all the last few years have told me is that we're not meant to be. And I've finally realised that.'
'No.' Lucas said defiantly, his heart beating wildly, 'You're wrong.'
She raises her eyebrows and goes to turn away from him but he grabs her arm quickly and she takes in a breath, 'We are, Peyt. We've screwed up but we're meant to be together. Can't you see that it's always been us? I love you.'
He feels her stiffen at the words and she twists her arm out of his grip but he grabs both of her arms in his hands and carries on, 'I've loved you since I was fourteen years old, I loved you the moment I first saw you and I haven't stopped.'
He sees tears in her eyes and although he hates to see her cry he's sure he's getting somewhere. 'I can't do this.' She whispers and he steps a little closer.
'What do you want? Because if it isn't me in your heart anymore then I can try to let go. But if you feel the way I do then we owe it to ourselves to try.' He speaks so passionately that Peyton is almost taken in by him, almost.
'I don't want to try again; I don't want to be hurt again.' Peyton says firmly and Lucas closes his eyes painfully.
'I love you.' He whispers and he feels her take a step backwards.
'I need to go.' She says and he opens his eyes just as she's picking up her suitcase and walking to the door, she turns to look at him then and her heart breaks at the expression on his face. She's never seen him look so hurt before,
'We can't keep hurting each other like this Luke… it's just too late.'
She's out of the door before he can say anything else. He looks at the floor and his eyes are burning from unshed tears. His throat is hoarse and he feels as though it's three years ago.
His mind takes him back to the words she said months ago… It's over.
Well now it was.
Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye
Hold a little tighter
Lucas lies in bed hours later unable to sleep but unwilling to do anything about it. He turns his head to the side and stares at the other side of the bed. Lindsey had been the occupant of that side for years but he'd always thought of it as Peyton's side of the bed. Psycho Derek had made her a permanent resident in his bed and he hadn't minded at all…then when they'd started dating it had only been a bonus.
He can't help but remember all the moments they've had in his bed over the years and he's messed everything up. Never in the three years that they'd been apart had he thought they were really over.
And yet now...
He closed his eyes and rubbed his face glancing at the clock, 4am. God, how ironic.
A soft knock makes him jump slightly and he sighs knowing that it's probably Haley. He hadn't bothered talking to any of his friends since Peyton had said he was too late, he couldn't take the looks on their faces and he also couldn't face reliving it again.
He opens the door and there she is.
Peyton Sawyer.
He closes his eyes tightly then opens them again, but she's still there and she gives him a soft smile.
'I was on the bus, I was ready to go on tour and I was ready to move on. And then all I kept thinking about was what you said and what we've been through and how- I love you too. I mean- you're Lucas.'
He stares at her for a few seconds before a grin makes its way onto his face and he pulls her quickly into his embrace. She closes her eyes with an equal grin as he wraps his arms firmly around her; she's never felt so safe and content. She'd been waiting for this for three years.
'God, I love you.' He whispers and she chuckles against him before leaning away from him.
'Are you sure? Because I am so over messing around Luke, I can't handle it anymore.' Her eyes are swimming with tears and her voice is hoarse but he smiles and cups her cheek, letting his thumb wipe away the tears that have fallen.
'I never want to lose you again.' He promises and then his lips meet hers furiously and there's no turning back.
They're on his bed and he's kissing her neck, her fingers in his hair when she notices the time. She chuckles and he lifts his head in confusion. She smiles as she points to the clock and he grins at her before leaning down and pressing his lips to hers in one of the most tender kisses she's ever experienced. He kisses along her jaw line and up to her ear before whispering,
'4 am's our time.'
Peyton grins and he presses a kiss to her ear as she wraps her arms around him tightly. This was the way it was meant to be. And after years of heartache and pain they'd both finally realised it.
4 am forever
I've had this on my laptop for about six months and so i thought it's about time i posted it... plus this is my first one shot and the first time i've used lyrics :) Sorry for the long wait to those who read Hazy, i'm getting there! Hope you enjoy this in the mean time... i'm aware it's long, i have no idea where the inspiration came from and i'm not sure how good this idea actually finished up. But still, thanks for reading. Feedback would be greatly appreciated. Oh and also, happy late christmas!