Authors Note: This one-shot came to me after seeing those photos of Cristina at the airport. Although I know they aren't her leaving forever, but just her visiting other fellowship programs, they got me thinking what if she was leaving for good. In my mind, this would the finale episode of season eight.
The eerie silence of the firehouse combined with the ever-present coolness of the empty spot in bed next to Cristina left had driven sleep far away. As the sporadic cars' headlights illuminated the dark, she clutched the blankets as she silently begged for sleep to come and numb, ever-growing pain that had lodged itself in her chest months ago at Zola's birthday party. It had felt like since that night, the bottom of her world had fallen from beneath her feet, she was nine again, no longer standing on solid ground, but drowning in fear and sadness. How the hell did this happen, was the usual question Cristina spent hours pondering. You had an abortion, that's what, would be the simple answer, had her question been how did this happen to your marriage? The true question, the one that gnawed away at Cristina nightly was, How did you become this person, someone who'd depended on love and was in danger of losing what had somehow become her entire life? Cristina could easily blame Owen, hurt him more, and decide that he had manipulated her, and tried to change her until she gave in. However, she knew she'd be lying to herself, and there's no point in that. She was reminded of what it felt like to be changed, to be loved for your potential, not as you are. Somehow over the course of her marriage, she'd become a person who put faith and trust into their relationship, become someone who put their marriage before their job. It wasn't until that marriage was thrust into the depths of despair before Cristina realized just what she was set up to lose.
"You thought I was scared to commit,"
Commitment had never been the issue for Cristina, in fact remaining loyal was one of the few traits people recognized as redeeming in regards to her character. Even after Burke, promising to spend the rest of her life with Owen wasn't scary. Although marriage wasn't always something she'd imagined for herself, she never once doubted remaining with Owen for the entirety of their lives, he had promised forty years. Subconsciously, she'd realized there was a small part of Owen who believed she would bail when things got too difficult, too emotional, that when she'd have to make sacrifices she would decide to walk away. If there was a time to walk away, it would be now. Each of them was seconds from giving up, too tired to fight any longer. Each wanted the other to fight for their marriage; each wanted the other to compromise so they could move towards fixing other issues regarding their relationship. They were at an impasse, each waiting clinging to the hope that somehow, their relationship would be salvaged on the fact that they loved each other so deeply. Yet each knew, sometimes love isn't enough. They'd each hurt each other, neither had ever imagined that the one they loved could do so much damage. Meredith pleaded with Cristina to end the relationship, that infidelity was unforgiveable. As Cristina listened as Owen told her about his one night stand, fueled by alcohol and rage, she'd contemplated leaving him. Yet one could say that aborting a child wanted by its father, is just as unforgivable. How could Cristina beg Owen to move on from her abortion, yet hold his cheating against him? No matter how sick she felt, how betrayed she was, if she wanted her life back, she would have to work on forgiving Owen. It wasn't Owen's affair that kept her up at night, it was her questioning when she became a person who could and would forgive cheating, when they'd realized that one mistake shouldn't always break apart a family, no matter how flawed.
"I was scared of this, scared of how much I loved you,"
This wasn't the life Cristina imagined for herself; she'd never thought she'd get married, or be part of a family. She was a surgeon first, something she didn't think she had to apologize for. Although it may be ruthless, and possibly stupid, it is what makes her who she is. She'd never expected to be in love, the way she was in love with Owen, the kind of love that you believe in even after being dragged through hell and back. That night in her apartment when she'd told Owen that she loved him more than Burke, she wasn't lying. She was also telling the truth when she admitted it scared her. When you love someone the way she does Owen, you give yourself away whether you want to or not. Losing herself within Owen wasn't something she could control; it's what comes along with a love like theirs. Loving Owen is the scariest things Cristina has ever done, because to lose them, is to lose yourself.
"Scared of how I'd never be able to find happiness without you that's what I was scared of,"
At this crossroad, the possibility of losing each other hung heavy in the air. It labored their breathing, and surrounded their minds. Constantly, they imagined their lives with the other no longer standing by their side. Throughout their pain, they'd found enormous happiness. They'd fought war after war, each time returning from battle a little bit stronger. They'd naively believed their love could conquer anything, so the possibility of no longer possessing that happiness wasn't someone on their minds until recently. Yet daily, the thoughts of giving up became more and more inevitable. One couldn't escape the thoughts that would finally end everything. They were beginning to decide if the happiness they'd once experienced was one, attainable after everything, and two, whether it was worth it. Cristina knew that if there was no longer a her and Owen, that she'd never truly move on to experience the joy she felt while being in his arms, on his mind, and in his heart.
They needed to make a decision, because the façades that each believed they were portraying, were wearing thin. Last week, Cristina had received a call from Mass Gen, accepting her into their fellowship program. On paper, the offer was one that couldn't be matched. She was being offered as spot at one of the finest hospitals in the world, getting the opportunity to study under the most distinguished of mentors. They'd also promised her an attending spot as soon as her fellowship had been completed. What Mass Gen didn't have was familiarity, Zola and Meredith, or Owen. Owen knew she'd applied all over the country; it was standard practice when choosing your fellowship. He'd distractedly kiss her temple to bid her farewell before returning to some trauma, or business report. When she'd return, they wouldn't really talk about it. Taking this fellowship could be the nail in the coffin for their relationship. Although many couples live apart while completing fellowships, both Cristina and Owen knew that their unstable relationship wouldn't be able to survive the distance. She was scheduled to fly out today, to sign the contract that promised her to Mass Gen for at least the next two years of her life. She'd had yet to tell Owen, hoping that she'd know where they were when having to make this decision. The Cristina five years ago would've put her career first, and flew out that same day to sign the papers. This Cristina recognized exactly what she was giving up.
Realizing that sleep wasn't going to come, Cristina threw on a pair of jeans, and her tattered Stanford sweatshirt. Owen's army shirt could be seen peeking out from it. She was going to tell Owen about Mass Gen, and together they would decide just how salvageable their love truly was. She found him in the conference room, nursing a coffee. The moon cast it's glow over his shoulder, as it moved across the sky in preparation for the morning. "Rough night?" she asked carefully, trying to decide how to approach the topic. Owen looked up, and for a second, his eyes were alive, like they used to be when they'd look at her. She watched as the quickly went dull again, the usual reaction to her presence. "I guess," he shrugged. "What are you doing her Cristina?", he looked back down at his reports.
She knew that voice, he was going to try to blow her off, using work or exhaustion as an excuse as usual. She decided to cut right to the chase, "Mass Gen offered me a fellowship, it pays well, and they've promised me an attending job after I've completed the fellowship." Owen looked up quickly in surprise, "Cristina that's great. I'm glad the realized how truly gifted you are," he murmured, still scanning the reports. "Here's the thing Owen, I want to take the fellowship. This would be the best thing that's ever happened to my career. I'm supposed to fly out today, and sign the contract," she told him, finally gaining his full attention. Cristina could see the shock in his face, the disbelief. Neither of them actually believed someone would give up, throw in the towel.
"But I would give up this fellowship, if I could have you, Owen. I'm not going to beg you to stay with me, or plead with you to forgive me. I love you so much Owen, and if being with you means turning down the fellowship, I will do it. Like I said, there is a reason we are married. So this is it, because I can't do it anymore. There are a lot of things we need to fix, and with therapy they can be fixed. I honestly believe we can work through this. But you told me that it hurts, to love me. That you loving me, causes pain. I won't do that to you anymore. If you want children, I can't stand in your way anymore. I know it isn't fair, and I wish I wanted children so that you and I can be happy. You have to decide whether I am enough for that huge life you imagined. It's your decision if you can be happy and have children with someone else. I won't cause you anymore pain Owen," tears ran down my her face as she stared at him intently.
Owen gazed into her deep chocolate eyes, pain flooding throughout them. As his eyes drifted downward to the damn reports, she knew she'd gotten her answer. Owen didn't believe she was worth the pain. "Goodbye Owen," she cried out, as she carefully leaned forward and gently caressed his lips with hers for just a second. Before pulling away she quickly whispered, "I love you," into his ear. Turning on her heel, she waited until she was safely in her car before letting her sobs overcome her. As her life fell to shambles, the day began and she grudgingly got prepared for her trip.
Meredith handed Cristina the ticket, her eyes misty with tears. "Cristina Yang, I cannot believe you are leaving me," she sniffed, squeezing her hand. Derek stood to the side, Zola resting on his hip. She curiously observed the busyness of the airport. Cristina idly wondered if she'd remember who she was when she'd come back for visits. "I'll be back Meredith, I'm only signing a contract," she sighed, shaking her head at Mer's emotional reaction. Meredith wiped her eyes with her sleeve, then reached back and scooped up Zola from Derek's extended arms. "Say bye-bye to Auntie Cristina, give her a kiss," Meredith cooed, as Zola gurgled a "goodbye", then leaned forward and planted a kiss onto Cristina's cheek. Giving them both a tight hug, and a wave back to Derek, she turned around to board my flight. The line moved quickly, and soon she was close to the front, when she saw Owen, glancing at his watch frantically and running towards her terminal.
When he caught sight of Cristina, he stopped and his face lit up the way it used to when he'd look at her. Excusing herself from the line, Cristina slowly walked up to him, not knowing what to expect. "Owen, what are you doing here?" she asked quietly Owen raked his hand through his hair, a notorious nervous tick. "All I know is that you mean everything to me, and I love you too much to let you go. I don't know how, but we will work everything out because Cristina, I can't lose you. Please, come home. I realize we have so much to rebuild, but don't go to Mass Gen, I need us to work out," he pleaded with her, tears welling in his eyes.
"Are you sure?" Cristina asked him, desperately hoping he'd say yes. "You are everything Cristina, yes I am sure," he answered, before capturing her lips in a kiss.
"It took me moving across the country for your to realize you can't live without me?" Cristina teased him, grasping his hand in mine.
Throwing her a sideways look, he laughed and kissed her temple. "So?" he responded, as we walked together to his car. Both knew that they had a long way to go, but realized that someway it would work out, because a love like theirs is something special.