Title: Rain Dust
Author: D.L. SchizoAuthoress
Rating: PG-ish?
Warnings: alternate future
Notes: The title is taken from a song composed for 'MahJongg Master 4.0',
by Miguel Samiez, available at March 16th - 20th, 2006

-----
Rain Dust
a naruto fanfic by d.l. schizoauthoress
-----

"Oh, here you are!" Gai said cheerfully. His hand on my shoulder interrupted my thoughts of the past.

"Gai-sensei..." I said, surprised to see him. "What are you doing here?"

"I know you better than you know yourself." Gai replied with a wink and flashy smile. But he became serious quickly, putting his hands on his hips and saying severely, "You didn't go to the rehabilitation center yesterday or today. You've been slacking off." He poked me on the forehead gently, and admonished, "You shouldn't."

I gave him my full attention while he was speaking. To do otherwise would have been rude. But as soon as he finished, my gaze drifted back to the ground. I felt tired, and it wasn't the good kind of tired like after a good training session. It was a tiredness that seeped into my head, and into my heart.

After a moment, I spoke to Gai-sensei. "When I first became a genin...right here, I told all of you my dreams. At that time, I got laughed at by Neji. But I was serious. At that time, you taught me that if you keep practicing with your rivals, you will definitely become a great ninja. And for that, hard work is necessary. It made me so happy.

"At the academy, none of my friends or teachers told me that I could succeed." I frowned for a moment, recalling a time I'd been called up in front of the class to perform a Henge no Jutsu. It had failed, as usual, and everyone looked at me like I was a freak. I'd cried that day, too. I continued speaking, "I felt so relieved. For someone like me, who didn't know what to do, the way was opened for me. 'Just work hard.'"

And I had to smile, a little. Gai-sensei nodded. Sometimes, I felt like he was the only one who ever listened to me. "...'Only by putting forth effort can one beat a genius.' That was on my mind all the time. You told me that I, too, could be a genius if I worked hard. At that time, you taught me that believing in my own strength was valuable."

I had to stop then. Memories of Tsunade-sama telling me to give up being a ninja, of learning the success rate of the surgery, filled my mind. I felt the tears stinging my eyes once more, and clenched my fists in my lap, trying to will them away. Shame filled me. How could I let Gai-sensei see me still crying?

I had to finish what I was saying. I could feel the pity in his gaze, burning me like a flame. I didn't want Gai-sensei's pity; I wanted his understanding! "But this time," I cried out, and the tears spilled out faster, "even if I try my best...even if I believe in myself... It doesn't make any difference!" For a moment, I was overcome by my crying, unable to speak. And when I did, I could only choke, "Please tell me, Gai-sensei!"

He would know what I meant. He would know that I meant to ask him: 'Please tell me, will I become like you?' He remained silent, though, and no answer came.

"Why am I the only one to suffer like this?" I demanded hotly, shaking with the effort of holding back my sobs. "What should I do! Please tell me!"

I finally raised my head once again. What I saw staggered me -- my teacher was trembling as well, with the effort of holding back tears. It was a long time before Gai-sensei spoke to me. The sun set, and the night descended before he began talking. The whole time, I uselessly tried to supress my tears.

"Lee...if you want to rid yourself of that pain, you must prepare yourself for a challenge!"

Gai-sensei only told me to prepare for a challenge when the most difficult things were ahead. And, consumed by fear and sadness and agony (both physical and mental) as I was, I immediately leaped to the negative conclusion. I stared straight ahead and spat out, "You mean, prepare to throw away my dreams?"

"If you give up your dreams, you will end up in even more pain." Gai-sensei countered. "Without a purpose, there would be no point in living. That goes for both of us. Accept the surgery, Lee!"

It was a moment that would define me forever after. My eyes widened and I stared in surprise at my beloved teacher. Gai-sensei had been there for me when no one else had. He had taken me seriously, and had never laughed at my dream of becoming a great ninja. But even though it had all begun with Gai-sensei, I knew that this decision would end with me. And to agree to this...

I dried my eyes -- how many times had I cried after Tsunade-sama's diagnosis! -- and thought deeply. Gai-sensei waited patiently for me. To agree with him, to take the surgery...it was, truly, life and death.

"Gai-sensei..." I whispered. "I can't."

It was his turn to be shocked. "What?" He sputtered.

"I thought...I thought that I was willing to die for my dreams." I said softly. "But now that I might really die... I'm afraid. I don't want to..."

"Since I met you," Gai-sensei interrupted, "my purpose has been to make sure that you become a great ninja."

I cannot waver now. I looked into his face this time. "You've been like another father to me, Gai-sensei. And I am grateful to you. But I cannot take the surgery." I tried to smile, and failed. "I will have to find a new dream."

----

It was difficult to let go of my dream of being a great shinobi. I always use the term "let go of" instead of "give up on". Gai-sensei's training will not allow me to give up. Gai-sensei took it hard, of course, but he respected me enough not to ask that I reconsider. And he promised me, with the nice guy pose, that he would help me to achieve whatever new dream I found. There was a lot of crying and hugging from both of us before he got to that point, though.

My teammates were upset, even Neji. I suppose he had gotten used to me as a sparring partner. Well, no, that sounds a bit cold, even when I use it to describe Neji. He really was angry with me -- I think he wanted to fight me with the five Gates opened, to settle once and for all the question of if a loser could beat a genius. Tenten didn't cry, but she was sad that we would no longer be a team.

Tsunade-sama approved of my decision. She offered me, instead, a series of surgeries with lower risk. While my body would never again have the strength or stamina to allow me a life as a ninja, once they are finished, I will be able to walk without a crutch. After months of being confined to the hospital, weeks of relying on the support of others to move around, I'll be glad to move freely again. And...

I won't stop searching for a new purpose.

----