I love watching the rain fall. The classic pitter-patter we all know and love somehow comforts me. Maybe it's because everything is put in perspective. Rain starts as innocent droplets, just trying to be free of their cloud, their darkness. Yet somehow, along the way, instead of escaping for freedom, they become hurricanes, destroying everything, from the smallest marigold to the tallest redwood, in their path. On their path to escape, somehow these droplets become that darkness they hope to be free of. Maybe I love the rain because it makes me feel less alone...
But then again, maybe I analyze my thoughts too much.
Oh, how I wish I had normal thoughts. Maybe they are normal... But if they are then I don't know how the human race has survived this far without dying off. I depend on others too much to keep me sane, so I can't be normal. Right?
"Hey, Tessa," Charlotte says, snapping me away from my thoughts and back to reality. "Are you okay? You looked like you were dozing off again. Did you get enough sleep last night?"
My response is a little delayed. "Yeah, I'm fine Charlotte. I told you this before, don't worry about me. I'm not worth that brain power"
In reality? Yes, she should be worrying about me. And of course, I know why she worries about me so much. Given what happened last year, anyone who both knew and loved me would not keep me out of their sight...
But then again, Charlotte is the only person who knows anything about last year. And she doesn't even know the important half. The half that would make her bind herself to me so that she could always keep me safe.
But I'm getting ahead of myself here. For I can't live in the past anymore. I need to dance in the future.
"So then Henry texted me 'Well, what if we go to the dance together?' and of course I started internally freaking out because my gosh, I have had a crush on him for ages, and now I finally know Tess! He likes me back! This is, like, the first time anyone has ever reciprocated feeling for me!" Charlotte is jumping up and down by this point. Her light brown hair is tied neatly into a bun for ballet later, and her hazel eyes are bursting with excitement. Plainly shown on her soft, round face is a smile that can make anyone smile right along with her.
"Charlotte, you've literally had a crush on him for a week," I reply, secretly smiling at her silliness.
Charlotte, always quick to respond, says "So? It literally only took Germany a day to begin fighting after declaring war on Russia in World War I. Time is relative. Don't pretend like you're any better. And since you mention it, let's talk about you and Jem now, shall we?"
"I didn't say anything remotely close to Jem," I respond, so confused with my best friend's thought process.
"Well, you basically did, and now that I remember him, spill please."
"There's not much to tell. He moved on, and I... Well, I lived on, I guess. He's with Jessamine now. Whatever spark we might have had is irrelevant now." Oh my Jem. She knows, even if I can't bear to admit it, that I'm still hung up on him. I can just imagine his silky, silver hair in my hands, his matching silver eyes barring into my soul. And his lips, although slightly pale, are whispering in my ear those three little words, kissing my lips with an ever-present smile, trailing small pecks down my neck...
"I knew it" Charlotte says, breaking me out of my fantasy, for the second time today. Oh, how my mind loves to wander... "Well, are you going to talk to him? I mean, you are so much better than Jessamine. You could easily win him over if you wanted to."
"That's the thing. I don't think I can even look at him without remembering that day... Come on, let's get to class."
High School: either you hate it, or you love it. I tend to lean on the absolute loathing side. Considering I'ver never really belonged to a social group, always being halfway in-between groups, I've had trouble making friends other than Charlotte. I constantly switch back and forth between the "I got an 105 on that test even though there was no extra credit crowd" to the "Thanks for ruining my GPA, calculus" and back again. I'm always in advanced classes, but there is definitely a difference in the kinds of people in these classes.
So as I approach my Calculus class on the first day of school with Charlotte, I am completely shocked to see Jessamine start a conversation with me. Jessamine, with her thick blonde hair curled to perfection and her crisp blue eyes is exactly what I imagine a Nazi to look like. She is too perfect, with the perfect grades in the hardest classes, while still maintaining a sweet, funny, rich, and popular image. And of course, now she has the perfect boyfriend. Well, at least my perfect boyfriend: James Carstairs. Man, I hate her guts.
"Hey Theresa," Jessamine starts, with her sweet, high voice that sounds like a chipmunk.
"It's Tessa."
"Oh, is that a new nickname?" Jessamine cluelessly asks.
"No, I've been going by Tessa for a solid fifteen years now" I reply, trying to get past her.
"That's a really pretty name, Tessa."
"Why are you telling me this? You know I didn't actually choose my name, right?" Jessamine's face starts to flush, and I start feeling bad. But then I remember who I'm talking to. "Do you have a purpose for talking to me?"
"Well, Tessa, I was wondering what you would recommend I get Jem for his birthday. See, it's coming up in a few weeks, and I think you know him better than I do, so..."
"For starters, I recommend giving the gift to him on the right day. His birthday was a month ago, July 21st to be exact. And on a second note, don't you dare ask me for fucking advice about your fucking boyfriend again. I'm not dating him. I have no business knowing what he wants for his birthday. That's your job now. Figure it out your own goddamn self." I'm practically yelling by this point, so fucking pissed that my Jem could even date someone like her.
"Gosh, I'm so sorry Tessa-" Jessamine starts, sadness creeping in on her painted lashes.
"Sorry Jessamine, but don't bother trying anymore." Charlotte fills Jessamine in. "When Tessa gets pissed, you just have to leave her be."
And then, out of the dark corner of my eye, I see a flash of silver, and here an all to familiar voice. One that sounds of sunrises, oceans, fireflies, and spring, all wrapped neatly together.
"Tessa?" the voice questions.
"Wait, baby, did you just call me Jessa?" Jessamine asks, clearly confused by how consonants work.
"Uh, sure," Jem responds, clearly confused.
"Oh my gosh, I absolutely love that nickname you just gave me, Babe! I'm only going to go by Jessa now."
"Wow, I guess I shouldn't be offended, at least she knows my name and doesn't call me babe all the time" I mutter.
"Tessa, don't be cruel, especially to Jessamine." that silky voice counters.
"James Carstairs, what an unpleasant surprise" I return, annoyed with my luck in calculus class, yet trying to hide my ever present love for one party in the conversation.
"Tessa..." Charlotte interrupts, clearly trying to stop an argument she knows is about to arise.
"Oh, sorry, it's Jem right? You're still using that nickname after fifteen years? Jessamine, did you here that? His name is actually Jem, not James! Who would have thought?"
"Tessa, can we talk?" Jem begs, clearly hurt by the way I'm treating him.
"What about? I broke up with you, and you know why. And clearly, you moved on. Although I might suggest someone with a little more street smarts if you can get someone else to fill that void in your heart."
"No Tessa, I don't fucking know what happened between us, and I'd like to talk it over like two sophisticated adults. But I guess I should have known when I decided to talk to you that you would just critique every little action I do just like you always do." Jem is really angry now. He hardly ever gets mad. Even when we were dating, he was never mad at me, or because of me, even if I was fuming. He was happy enough as he was. But I guess we both have changed...
Charlotte, again trying to stop the escalating argument, says "Tessa, leave him alone. You've hurt him enough alre-"
"I'VE hurt HIM? That's a good one Charlotte." My rage is boiling out of my chest at this point. "Remind me again who left me fucking stranded in the middle of an alleyway. And we all know what happened because of that."
"No, Tessa, we all don't know because you wouldn't speak to me after I don't even know what you are talking about. What did I do wrong, Tessa?" His eyes are tearing up at this point. Everyone in class is watching our argument, but I can only see his face, and I bet he can only see mine. "I don't even know why... What did I ever do to hurt you Tessa?"
"Stop using your emotions against me Jem. I'm sorry, but I can't tell you that. Goodbye."
And I leave him, standing there, and walk into class. I block Jem out of my mind, and begin reviewing how to find the derivative of a basic function.