Lessons
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There are times when I sit and just let my mind wander, never too
far though, as I've often been told it's too small to go off on its own just yet. It's during these moments that I find myself marveling
at the bizarre set of circumstances that have brought me to this point in my life. No matter that I was practically dragged kicking
and screaming all the way.
The journey may not have always been easy, but in the end I can honestly say that it has all been worth it. Yes, I know it may be
shocking to hear such an admission from me, of all people, but it's the truth. Who knows what would have happened had I not done the
things I have done, seen the things I have seen?
Without a doubt, my life would have been a great deal calmer, but I would have had so many more regrets. I would never have met the
people closest to me, nor would I be the same person I am now. For all my faults, my shortcomings, I can face myself in a mirror and
realize that I like what I see there.
There are few enough people that can say that, and I have met a great many like that...people who would rather lie to themselves than
face reality. Failure, I have learned, is not a state of being - it is a state of mind. If you have gone as far as you can and discover
you can go no further and have not given everything of yourself in the effort, then you are a failure. But if you have given totally, and willingly of yourself and then can go no further...then you have
proven what you can do, and that is all that matters.
I think that learning to distinguish between the two may have been the most difficult thing I have ever had to learn. If a
barrier was placed in my way I would slam up against it unthinkingly, again, and again until I could no longer move, admit defeat and slink
away without a backwards glance. It was not until fate decided to take a direct interest in my life (for truly, only fate could have
such a twisted sense of humor) that I began to realize that I had never tried at all.
Someone once said that life is pain, and to be without it is not really living. If that is true, then I know I have lived enough for a
hundred lifetimes. I need only look down the road I have taken here, winding and twisting as it is, to see that.
Oddly enough though, I did not at first recognize the shift in of ownership concerning my life. Oh I knew something had changed, but I
had no idea just how much so. A smile crosses my face and I find I must stifle a laugh at that thought. There are good times mixed in
the pain, as there should be, I know now. Laughter and tears intertwined in a delicate binding that has
formed the core of who I am.
To have one without the other is unimaginable - I do not think I would like the person I would be
then. To have experienced only joy, I would not then be able to appreciate what I had been given, but to have known only sorrow, I
would not understand how to hope, what it is to dream.
This too, has taken time for me to learn. A lifetime of experiences, of memories I might have missed had the scales been
tipped the other way. I feel a shiver of fear at that possibility...I have come too far, seen too much to want things to go back the way
they were before.
I know I am not the first to contemplate such things, I have seen the movies, heard the songs, read the poetry...but never has it had
more meaning for me as it does now. I need only look around to see the results of my endeavors, and I feel a strange sort of pride. I
have done this, burdened by my despair and carried aloft on my dreams; I have managed to reach this plateau in my life. And still I
have not reached the top, the pinnacle.
Again I have to laugh, I make it sound as though I am some sort of mountaineer, or a great adventurer who has set out to conquer some
awe-inspiring landmark, but in a way, that too is true. What greater challenge than to meet life on its own terms? To accept the dare
thrown by fate itself?
Still, I would be the fool if I said that I could have done it all by myself. As any great adventurer knows one needs a support
team. People who will be there to catch them if they fall, to lend a hand if they stumble, and I know that I am in good company.
The four of us, like modern day Musketeers - the very notion evokes a smile, but I know it is true. Closer than friendship, closer
even than family - it is a strange sort of bond we share, but one I would rather die than give up.
To speak of it is unthinkable, we know
it is there, and nothing, not even death itself could sever the ties.
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