Hi! This is my first FanFiction story so bear with me. I am Swedish and therefore I in advance apologize for any eventual grammar or spelling mistakes. I am attending the last year of the Swedish counterpart of high school and I have during the last months discovered the incredible joy of writing and I hope that you, like me, enjoy this story. Lastly I just want to encourage that, if you want, you find the time to review and give me your opinions as they are greatly appreciated. They are the encouragement that keeps you going. Well, read on and I really hope that you enjoy it.
Chapter 1 - Courage
Slowly, step by step, making his way up the stairs Deeks could feel the weight of the day's events making their presence known, weighting him down as he took the last step up onto the porch connected to his apartment door. Shuffling his feet he closed the short distance to the door before reaching for his key, searching his pockets mindlessly while lost in his own thoughts which, like on repeat, replayed the same scene over and over again in his mind without an ending. The specific, short, horrifying yet unbearably honest moment back at the boatshed with Kensi where she for once had let her feelings show. A moment when she had ignored the layers of protective walls that she had built up around herself and let her emotions, instead of her carefully protective brain, do the talking. A rare moment when you could see the real Kensi without the snappy comebacks or the savvy exterior for who she actually were, an amazing mind-blowing woman which greatest fear is the possibility of losing the people she truly cares about. Her past haunting her as the memories of Jack and her father still linger in her mind, constantly reminding her of the fragility of the human life and how easy it can be ripped away.
So when she turned around facing him after the wiseass answer, tears in her eyes and with a shivering voice asked him the question again, literally seeing the fears dance as shadows beneath the tears, how could he not give her the answer that she so desperately were looking for, even though he knew that he could never be absolutely sure that he could live up to the promise that he made. But looking into her brown eyes he wanted nothing more than to give her what she so desperately did seek, the reassurance that he would never leave her. He knew with absolute certainty that he would never voluntarily leave her side, never waver from their "thing", how could he? It was Kensi we're talking about. Kensi Marie Blye. The most astonishing, extraordinary, remarkable woman he had ever met and who, for unknown reasons, seemed to find some of the same qualities in him which she was currently proving, opening up to him. It was not Sam or Callen that she turned to when things got tough. It wasn't Eric or Nell that she confided in. It was him. He broke through her armour and over the last three years it was he who had become her confidant, her rock when the storms riled up the waters. And as he looked into her beautiful brown eyes he could not imagine doing the same things that Jack or her father did to her, he could never leave her, creating another gaping wound and adding another wall around her which he over the last years had tried to fill and break through. She meant the world to him and as she stood there in front of him, walls down and vulnerable, how could the words that came out of his mouth be anything but the calm reassuring "Ok" which she so desperately needed, greeted with same shivering words back.
But being who he is and seeing Kensi so, not scared but uncertain, he couldn't help himself but trying to lighten the mood which was looming thick in the air with emotions which neither of them yet seemed to be ready to utter. Both knowing what they wanted deep down beneath the walls they were both carrying, afraid of what the result would be if they were let to breathe and speak. Afraid of the possibility of losing something great for the chance of something amazing, but for the first time, Deeks could feel the scale change in favour for the part which so desperately wanted to be aired. Feeling how he becomes warm inside as he turn her frown the other way around and hear her genuine chuckle leave her lips, making her forget, even if but for a moment, the uncertainties of their lives.
Standing at his door, now hours later, Deeks can still hear himself shouting "You smell like sunshine", followed by the slam of the door as it shuts and the meagre; "And gunpowder. Two of my favourite things.", which followed it, not finding the courage to say the words while looking into those different coloured eyes he had grown so fond of. Looking back he feels the anger rising and the frustration take hold as he opens the door and make his way into his clean apartment, opening the fridge and grabbing a bear before settling down on the couch. Just sitting, watching the white walls while his mind as always starts to wander back to Kensi and the longing that no other man, woman or significant other half has ever created before. That feeling that consumes you, drives you and makes you want to be with the other person, not just for a moment, or a day but forever. Not only wanting the sexual tension resolved but the emotional as well. To be the one who was there at the end of the day and the one who were there in the morning, the person with whom she wanted to share her life with. The knowledge of knowing who he wanted more than anything else in the world and the knowledge of knowing that she was the only person he could never live without. But why couldn't he tell her that? Why is it so goddamnhard to find the words to describe it to her? To show her how he felt? Why is it so hard to find the courage?
Sighting deeply Deeks shifted position in the couch. Now lying down he took out his smartphone and went to the picture gallery, starting to sift through photos until he stopped when reaching a specific one, his absolute favourite picture. The beautiful brunette was smiling and laughing. The wind blowing in her hair as she made her way along the beach and the sunset painting the ocean read and yellow in the background, the sand glimmering in the fading light. A picture capturing one of those rare moments where she actually looked free, unencumbered by her past or the job. Where she simply looked happy.
Deeks couldn't help but smile as he lay there admiring the picture and the memory it brought back. This is how he saw Kensi, this is how he remembered her when they were apart. Beautiful beyond measurement, unencumbered and happy. This was Kensi. As he lay on the couch reminiscing over that amazing afternoon the longing hit with an increased force, almost driving the breath out of him. The thought of holding her, kissing her and caressing her cheek leaving him with a dull ache in his gut which he knew only could be vanquished by Kensi's presence.
Quickly sitting up, putting the almost full beer bottle on the living room table, Deeks came to a decision. He may not have the courage to say what he wanted, to take that next step in his relationship with Kensi, but he sure as hell wasn't going to sit in his apartment and dwell about it. No, he wanted to be in Kensi's life. Spend time with her, be there every night and morning and even though it may not be in the context that he wanted, time with Kensi was still time with Kensi. It was still the best hours of the day and he was sure as hell that he would savour them, and create as many as he could, starting tonight. Even though he frequently visited her apartment and they every weekend spent time together it was no longer enough, he wanted more. He wanted her, here and now, his aching body a testament to the statement.
Grabbing his keys he pulled open the door and shut it behind him, walking out in the damp, dark evening to his car and turned on the ignition, driving off into the night.
Ten minutes later Deeks found himself in front Kensi's door, a six-pack beer in one hand and the other holding its position only inches from the door, his body aching worse than ever while trying to compose himself. Taking a deep breath he slowly knocks on the door, his body slightly shivering as he hears footsteps coming closer and seeing her closing the distance through the curtains covering the glass doors. Each step sending another shockwave through his body until she finally opens the door, her face turning in to a smile as she see who it is and the six-pack he was carrying. Standing there in front of him, her beautiful eyes meeting his, her hair down and wavy and only wearing a white tank top and sweatpants, she had still never looked so beautiful. Standing there in front of her, marvelled by her beauty and grace, Deeks let go of the uncertainties, the reasons that for so long had shackled him from his hearts deepest wish, and let his emotions show, mustering up the courage to finally express what he really felt.
Letting go of the six-pack in his hand and still holding her now confused gaze Deeks took two confident steps towards Kensi, and without any hesitation or second thoughts, took her face between his hands and kissed her. Letting every minute of held back desire, longing and lust burst forwards like the opening of a dam, letting the flow of emotions speak for themselves as he kissed her passionately. Never wanting the moment to end before everything he felt had been shown through the intensity and clarity of his current action. Feeling Kensi's body stiffen beneath his hand in shock as he slowly ended the kiss, caught by surprise and off-balance, Deeks leaned his forehead against hers breathing heavily, still holding her beautiful face in his hands. Looking into her brown, differently coloured, eyes he is met by her surprised look, standing there looking back at him, for once speechless and without a witty comeback line. Only standing there stuttering; "I…I…", with an open mouth unable to express a coherent sentence.
Continuing to look deep into her eyes, holding the unwavering gaze emitted from them, Deeks once again leaned in a little closer, closing the gap between them as he saw Kensi shut her eyes and starting to breath more intermittently, their bodies grazing as he directed her up against the wall. With her back against the wall and his body pressed against hers Deeks once again closed the short distance between their lips, meeting Kensi in a soft kiss she carefully answered. Her breath flutteringas he slowly moved his hands down along her sides, caressing as they descended until they reached her hips. Standing there, backed up against the wall and with him slowly kissing and caressing her, Deeks could feel as the tension left her body and how she gradually started returning the affection that was thrown at her by her shaggy partner. The intensity increasing as she by the second more passionately kisses him back, her arms moving up around his neck continuing up into his hair, taking hold as she pulls herself even closer.
Encouraged by her response Deeks slides his hands down once again following her curves until they reaches her thighs, slowly caressing them. Kensi letting out a slow moan as he picks her up, one hand firmly holding each thigh and as she straddles him after once again being pressed up against the wall, another moan of pleasure escaping her lips. His hands now moving up and down her body caressing and his mouth following their example making its way down her cheek to her exposed neck, feeling Kensi shiver beneath the touch. Her breath shallow and intermittently between the kisses and caresses, her body trembling as he slowly moves his hands in under her tank top and starts stroking her stomach with his thumbs. Moving in small circles, grazing her belly ring as he continued up her back while returning his lips to their origin point, lips once again dancing over one another passionately, fuelled by months of restraint by both parts.
Slowly, gradually decreasing the intensity of their kisses until they were once again light and tender, Deeks put Kensi back down on her feet. Still holding her gaze and one of his hands remaining under her tank top at her waist, caressing her, he lastly broke apart their lips. Remaining only inches from her face, their bodies still pressed to one another, he slowly reached up his free hand and gently stroke back the single strand of hair from her face behind hear ear, leaving his hand on her cheek, gently stroking her beautiful face.
Slowly calming his breath down, a smile creeping over his face, Deeks for the first time since he saw Kensi that evening uttered a single soft "Hi", as he leaned his forehead against her, taking in as much of her as he possible could. Her smell, her astonishing dissimilar eyes and her amazing smile that now was appearing on her face as well.
Smiling up at him she let out a little chuckle before answering, "Hi", in a whisper. Holding each other they stood there, brown eyes meeting blue, not overthinking anything but enjoying the presence of the other. Enjoying the closeness and the sense of safety that the embrace emitted, both completely lost in the moment. For once indulging themselves to think with their hearts instead of their heads and follow wherever their hearts took them. Tracing his hand down Kensi's cheek to her chin and carefully nudging her face upwards Deeks slowly leaned down, once again closing the short distance between their lips, giving her a tender kiss. Their lips gently meeting, brushing against each other, leaving the lingering taste of the other behind as they parted.
As they locked gazes again Deeks asked; "What now?", bringing his hand back up along her cheek, slowly caressing, as Kensi leaned her head against it. Smiling as she took it in her hands, for a moment burying her face in it as she gave it a light kiss, before gently grabbing it in her palms as she tentatively lead him towards the bedroom.