Disclaimer: FF7 is property of Square, they are nice because they probably won't sue. However, this story is property of me. But the game which this is based on, and the characters, that's Square all the way.
Author's Note: Why do so many hate Hojo? It's stupid, he was the reason the game exists. So, here we go, FF7, if Hojo never existed! However, had Hojo never existed, the game would be so cracked up you wouldn't be able to tell it from the contents of my neighbor's garbage pail, and so I've taken a few liberties with it, as in, keeping in Sephiroth.
FFVII Without Hojo!
Beginning Disc One
The train whined tiredly on it's tracks, a dying screech arose as it grinded steadily to a halt, the night was black and white with a breathtaking spectacle of the stars resting in their heavenly seats in the sky, and the narrator gave up all hope of narrating this story with any seriousness.
Five people fell out of the train, two men, a man who looked like Mr. T, another man with hair that made him a full foot taller, and a woman, the two men and one woman were not as important as the man who looked like Mr. T and the man with foot-high hair, and therefore do not require a description. They are also not described because the author lost Disc One.
''C'mon,'' Barret said, ''Let's go, Cloud, Jessie, Vicks, Wedge.''
''I have no spine.'' Cloud said, completely out of nowhere.
''Erm......what?''
''I am a failure at everything, yet I must hide my emotions.''
''Say what?''
''I suck at life.''
''Damn, man, you sound like you need some antidepressants.''
''I used to take these prescription pills, so I had a prescription, but my dog ate it, then spat out half of it, then a car hit it, and I cast Ice on the car, only it sorta bounced off and hit my dog. I miss my dog.''
''Ha ha, your life sucks, now I ain't giving you cold cash to mope about a ball of fleas, haul ass.''
''I joined ShinRa, and it was kinda cool, only this guy hit me with a beer keg. It's a long story. ShinRa made me realize I had no spine. So then, this guy named Gast gave me the prescription that caused me to indirectly kill my dog.''
''Great, now you have a reason to hate it like I do, let's go get vengeance, eh, Cloud, eh?''
''I suck at life.''
Meanwhile, Jessie was talking to Biggs and Wedge.
''....So.....''
''Wha?'' replied Biggs.
''Huh?'' said Wedge.
''Uhm.....why do we work for Barret?''
''He asked if I wanted to join AVALANCHE. AKA the A-Team.''
''He said he pitied me for being a fool.''
''Oh....ohkay.....Why the Mr. T jokes?''
''What jokes, Jess?''
''...''
''...?''
''...!''
''...''
''...''
After an awkward silence, Jessie said,
''Ya know what? You two guys are really something.''
''Wha?''
''Yuh?''
''...''
''Yah?''
''Huh?''
''...''
''Nheh?''
''Zuh?''
''Nevermind.''
''Sword?''
''....Apple?''
''Shut up.''
''Pizza?''
''Axe?''
''SHUT UP, YOU IDIOTS!!''
''Book?''
''Splort?''
''Agh.'' Jessie said, ''I hate you wit-deficient half-witted no-wits!''
''...Wait, so technically we lack enough wit to have suitable wit, yet possess half the required wit to be deemed witty in your eyes, yet we lack any wit whatsoever? You've contradicted yourself twice in a single insult, which though directed at us was nonsensical in nature and not thought out at all, leading me to be questionable towards thoughts expressed by you from this point on, Jessie,'' Wedge said hurriedly.
Jessie blinked. ''W-W-Wha-What!?''
''....Huh?'' Wedge said blankly, before tripping on a tiny rock and lying motionless for a while as Biggs poked himself in the shoulder while giggling.
Jessie sighed, before opening a map of Midgar and calling over Barret.
''Barret, there's two ShinRa buildings.''
''I have no spi--''
''Shut the hell up, Cloud.''
''Spineless---''
''Shut up.''
''Okay, because I have--''
''---No spine, we get it. Anyway, what?''
''There are two ShinRa buildings, one to the left of here, the other is right down this pathway by the side of this train.''
''Oh. Well, that one's closer, that must be the one!''
''I doubt that, Barret.''
''Well, let's just go!''
''I have no spi--''
''You too, Cloud.''
Then they rounded up Biggs and Wedge, and Barret talked about how he did not trust Cloud because Cloud had no self-esteem, worked for ShinRa, was an annoying little fart, had no self-esteem, was too mysterious, and had poked him in the ear with a part of his hair when he leaned over on the train trip. Then, they walked over towards the ShinRa building, which loomed ominously in the distance. One the way, Biggs passed a sign that said ''ShinRa Headquarters, 1 Mile Ahead'' and so they walked in the direction the sign was pointing, before arriving at a small supermarket with thousands of cassettes on every shelf.
''Uhm....excuse me,'' Wedge asked the man at the desk, ''Where's Shinra?''
''Ohhhhh, dude, this is ShinRa, lookee that sign over there!'' Then he pointed to a sign that read 'ShinRa Cassettes and DVDs'.
''This is craptastic,'' Barret said, ''Jessie, I told you this was the wrong place.''
''WHAT!? But you--''
''Hey, man, this is THE place for cassettes!'' the counter-guy said, ''Now buy something. In ten minutes. I'm on my break now.''
''Well listen up...'' Biggs looked at the man's name tag, ''....'Rude', where's your boss, maybe he's more helpful!''
''Nah, screw you hosers, go ask Elena, in the back. Or Tseng, but he's kinda asleep, he's the guy in the corner with the spit bubble. And Reno, he's the guy trying to pop the spit bubble with that string.''
Suddenly, an old man stormed in, and kicked at a loadbearing wall angrily.
''You...you lame-ass kids, get the hell off your asses and move! I don't pay you one-thousand five hundred gil below minimun monthly wage to do absolutely nothing, I pay you crap to sell millions worth in tapes, so haul it, you Turks!''
''Right away, Rufus!'' Tseng said, snapping awake and standing up suddenly, knocking Reno out of his chair into a shelf.
''That's Mr. ShinRa to you, you punkass lowlife, I'm taking your sleep time out of your pay--''
''B-But sir, you already pay me nothing---''
''MOVE!''
''Yessir!!''
''And Rude,'' Rufus ShinRa barked, ''Show these guys the door if they aren't buying anything!''
''Okay, Mr. ShinRa. Get 'em, Guard Scorpion!!''
Then, Rude pulled out a small, pink plastic container and out of it came a small scorpion, which slowly crawled over to Barret and tried to attack his shoe.
''Quick, Cloud, get it before it uses the Tail Laser!'' Biggs said, ''Use Braver! Or Thunder!''
''...Or do this.'' Barret said, before raising one shoe and crushing the scorpion with one boot.
''...I could have done that, just slower.'' Cloud said.
''GUARD SCORPION! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!'' Rude screamed, before picking up his pet with a napkin and flushing it down the toilet, ''I swear to the Planet, on it's name, that from today on, me and the Turks will take a sworn vow, a vow of dedicated hatred of all things related to you, and we will systematically hunt you down, failing at every attempt, being small-time villains whose superior intellect is no match for your puny weapons!!''
''Rude, they're gone.'' Elena said, ''They left while you were at the can.''
''Goddammit.''
''Get back to work, you damn hooligans.''
After Rufus left, Elena commented.
''Man, that geezer is such a...a....geezer.''
''Yeah, who says 'hooligans?'''
''Yeah, that's as dumb as 'let's mosey.'''
''Yep.''
''Ya betcha.''
''Mmmhmmm.''
''Sure.''
''Nice.''
''Let's all stop talking now.''
''Nice.''
***
''Damn. Wrong ShinRa place,'' Barret said, ''Wrong ShinRa place. Damn Cloud, all his fault! It's all his fault! I knew we couldn't trust someone in it for the money!''
''Yep, Barret. And it's all Cloud's fault, not yours.''
''I do not know if that was sarcasm or not,'' Cloud replied in a monotone voice, ''But I am willing to take that due to a lack of spine.''
''Dammit, Cloud, if you say that again I'll rip the vertabrae from your skin with a pair of salad tongs and then repeatedly beat you with a toilet lid.''
''...But if you do that I will have no---''
''DIE.''
Then Jessie flew through the air and tackled Cloud while beating at his face, doing the only actual fighting she would ever do, beating Cloud up being the full extent of her combat for the entirety of the game. After Wedge peeled Cloud off the floor when the blonde man couldn't get himself off the floor, weighed down by his giant sword which somehow cannot kill small dogs in one hit, and yet still is bigger than the wielder.
After an arduous walk, they arrived at Mako Reactor 6.
***
''Erm....so....''
''ShinRa Electrical Company, run by a guy named ShinRa. The REAL ShinRa, Barret.'' Jessie said, teeth grinding.
''ShinRa Electric, sucking the life out of the Planet since....uh...wait, when did they start sucking the life out of the Planet?''
''Just shut up and toss me an explosive charge. And you, Spineless, get over here.''
''Okay, for I--''
''DIE,'' Jessie screamed, and lunged at Cloud again, before Biggs and Wedge pried her off him.
''...I honestly wan't gonna do the spine thing,'' Cloud said, ''I meant I was out of change. ...I'm doing this out of a lack of money, I don't have gil for laundry, I've been wearing these clothes nine days now.''
At that, everyone slowly stepped away from Cloud.
Uneasily, they wandered thorugh the harmful-radiation-emitting Mako Reactor's maze of high walkways, endless, repetitive and stupid ladders, and doors, before recirving a small materia and setting the explosive charges.
''Hold it!''
It was Tseng, along with Reno, Rude, and Elena.
''Oh crap, you guys,'' Barret said, ''Don't you shill tapes?''
''We're back for vengeance!'' Rude shouted back, ''And we're on coffee break, we gotta be back in 19 minutes.''
''Oh.''
''Oh. ....I have no spine. ...There, I said it.''
''Well, whatever,'' Rude said, ''Face Tseng's pet, Guard Roach!''
Then Rude reached into Tseng's pocket and threw a roach at Cloud, who started flailing around on the floor before Barret crushed it under his boot, at which point Tseng screamed.
''Dammit, I HATE you people!''
''We're AVALANCHE,'' Barret said, ''And our secret headquarters can be located at the Seventh Heaven bar. You could probably find the number in your local yelow pages.''
''Whatever. You'll have to kill all our pets...or dye our hair purple....to stop us!!''
''Guard Scorpion and Roach?'' Cloud spoke, his voice knocked out of monotone temporarily, ''Is there no...Guard Dog, or Guard....Chicken?''
''...Chicken?''
''Well....yeah, man. They hurt, I was eight, and a chicken hit me in the head, so I started crying. It was real big, like a phoenix with a firey glove growing out it's head, and it spat fire at me...''
''...Uhm...that...WAS....a....phoenix....''
''That explains much.''
Then, seeing as how there was an explosive a foot away from them, Cloud and Barret ran out of the reactor fighting mechanical things painted bright colors that shoot light, and Cloud freed Jessie, who was trapped under a stone, and they ran across the Midgar streets.
Along the way, Cloud ran into a woman with a basket of flowers. Cloud bought a flower to give to Tifa, because Tifa was scary and could beat him up, even though she had gloves and he had a large sword that could pretty much crush things smaller than a large family-sized automobile. Cloud started running towards the train trying to catch up to the girl who hated his spine, the two dumb guys who he could swear have seen in a movie somewhere about stars, and wars, and Mr. T.
Biggs and Wedge jumped into the train, followed by Barret and Cloud.
Then, they all rode towards the AVALANCHE hideout.
***
Back at the Seventh Heaven bar, Tifa Lockhart stopped talking to her family on the phone and sat in a chair for a long time looking at Marlene, who was playing with a book of matches and some fishing hooks. Deciding Marlene was safe, Tifa waited until Cloud came.
''HIYA CLOUD,'' she loudly said, ''HOW WAS BLOWING UP THINGS?''
''...I bought you a flower, Tifa--''
''SUGAR IS GOOD, IF YOU DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH. MARLENE IS PLAYING WITH DANGEROUS THINGS.''
''...''
''PLASTIC SURGEONS ARE GREAT, WHEN THEY'RE LICENSED.''
''...Uh...Marlene, I bought you a flower.'' Then, Cloud gave Marlene the cheap flower bought from the strange woman who was selling them for apparently no real reason, failing ot see that in a large, industrialized city she was walking in the road selling daisies to people who lived in a place utterly without soil. Flowers, which were practically free. And yet availible in an industrialized, mechanized city of steel. Flowers.
''HEY CLOUD,'' Tifa said, ''WHAT DID YOU AND THE A-TEAM DO?''
''DAMMIT,'' Barret shouted, ''WE ARE NOT THE A-TEAM! IT'S AVALANCHE!! AV-A-LAN-CHE! NOT THE A-TEAM! I AM NOT MR. T. IT'S JUST THE HAIRCUT. I DO NOT PITY ANY FOOLS, OR RUN AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE HELPING TO....Oh wait, yeah I do... Alright, I do that...Alright, and I guess the similarity is....okay....okay...point there, too....damn.... ...And I pity fools.....but.....I hate you all.....''
''HEY CLOUD,'' Tifa suddenly screamed out of nowhere after an uncomfortable pause, ''I MADE TENS OF DOLLARS IN THE BAR SERVING WINE TODAY! AND THEN I FOUND SOME MONEY IN THIS RANDOM TREASURE CHEST WHICH WAS THERE FOR NO REASON! IN TERMS OF MONEY, I AM A HUNDREDARE!!''
''....Which wine, Tifa?'' Barret asked.
''THE CRAPPY STUFF, FROM ABOUT NINETY YEARS AGO, IT WAS OLD, SO IT WAS ALL ICKY, SO I SOLD THE OLD WINE, AND KEPT THE NEWER WINE, BARRET! YAY!''
''....''
''....I need my money, Barret,'' Cloud said, ''I need to do laundry.''
''Erm, well, when my book deal and my lawsuit comes through, I'll pay you.''
''No dice, Barret, I smell terrible.''
''WAIT, CLOUD,'' Tifa interjected, ''YOU OWE ME. DON'T MAKE ME DO THE FLASHBACK THING.''
''Yeah. And you have no spine. So work for me, dumbass.'' Barret cracked.
''...Okay,'' replied Cloud, ''But in return, Jessie can't hurt me if I talk about my spine.''
''Deal. Now go to sleep, we've got another mission. Tifa comes with us, if we can get her to pose in front of Reactor 5, we can distract some guards.''
''Okay.''
''PEOPLE PAY ME MONEY TO HOP ON ONE FOOT.''
''...'' Cloud looked at Barret wordlessly, then began to look at a cobweb in the corner as Barret shifted back and forth uneasily.
''IT'S GOOD MONEY! I AM A HUNDREDARE! YAAAAAAAY ME!!''
''You all suck. I hate you all. AVALANCHE needs no idiots, you try and save the damn planet, and they just screw you over again. This is just fine and dandy. Asstacular,'' Barret sighed, ''I wish I had taken that supermarket clerk job instead of mining. I am not Mr. T. That's the title of my book, we don't talk the same, or look too much alike, or drive around in a van helping people with kids in shirts... GET SLEEP.''
End Prologue.
Author's Note: Why do so many hate Hojo? It's stupid, he was the reason the game exists. So, here we go, FF7, if Hojo never existed! However, had Hojo never existed, the game would be so cracked up you wouldn't be able to tell it from the contents of my neighbor's garbage pail, and so I've taken a few liberties with it, as in, keeping in Sephiroth.
FFVII Without Hojo!
Beginning Disc One
The train whined tiredly on it's tracks, a dying screech arose as it grinded steadily to a halt, the night was black and white with a breathtaking spectacle of the stars resting in their heavenly seats in the sky, and the narrator gave up all hope of narrating this story with any seriousness.
Five people fell out of the train, two men, a man who looked like Mr. T, another man with hair that made him a full foot taller, and a woman, the two men and one woman were not as important as the man who looked like Mr. T and the man with foot-high hair, and therefore do not require a description. They are also not described because the author lost Disc One.
''C'mon,'' Barret said, ''Let's go, Cloud, Jessie, Vicks, Wedge.''
''I have no spine.'' Cloud said, completely out of nowhere.
''Erm......what?''
''I am a failure at everything, yet I must hide my emotions.''
''Say what?''
''I suck at life.''
''Damn, man, you sound like you need some antidepressants.''
''I used to take these prescription pills, so I had a prescription, but my dog ate it, then spat out half of it, then a car hit it, and I cast Ice on the car, only it sorta bounced off and hit my dog. I miss my dog.''
''Ha ha, your life sucks, now I ain't giving you cold cash to mope about a ball of fleas, haul ass.''
''I joined ShinRa, and it was kinda cool, only this guy hit me with a beer keg. It's a long story. ShinRa made me realize I had no spine. So then, this guy named Gast gave me the prescription that caused me to indirectly kill my dog.''
''Great, now you have a reason to hate it like I do, let's go get vengeance, eh, Cloud, eh?''
''I suck at life.''
Meanwhile, Jessie was talking to Biggs and Wedge.
''....So.....''
''Wha?'' replied Biggs.
''Huh?'' said Wedge.
''Uhm.....why do we work for Barret?''
''He asked if I wanted to join AVALANCHE. AKA the A-Team.''
''He said he pitied me for being a fool.''
''Oh....ohkay.....Why the Mr. T jokes?''
''What jokes, Jess?''
''...''
''...?''
''...!''
''...''
''...''
After an awkward silence, Jessie said,
''Ya know what? You two guys are really something.''
''Wha?''
''Yuh?''
''...''
''Yah?''
''Huh?''
''...''
''Nheh?''
''Zuh?''
''Nevermind.''
''Sword?''
''....Apple?''
''Shut up.''
''Pizza?''
''Axe?''
''SHUT UP, YOU IDIOTS!!''
''Book?''
''Splort?''
''Agh.'' Jessie said, ''I hate you wit-deficient half-witted no-wits!''
''...Wait, so technically we lack enough wit to have suitable wit, yet possess half the required wit to be deemed witty in your eyes, yet we lack any wit whatsoever? You've contradicted yourself twice in a single insult, which though directed at us was nonsensical in nature and not thought out at all, leading me to be questionable towards thoughts expressed by you from this point on, Jessie,'' Wedge said hurriedly.
Jessie blinked. ''W-W-Wha-What!?''
''....Huh?'' Wedge said blankly, before tripping on a tiny rock and lying motionless for a while as Biggs poked himself in the shoulder while giggling.
Jessie sighed, before opening a map of Midgar and calling over Barret.
''Barret, there's two ShinRa buildings.''
''I have no spi--''
''Shut the hell up, Cloud.''
''Spineless---''
''Shut up.''
''Okay, because I have--''
''---No spine, we get it. Anyway, what?''
''There are two ShinRa buildings, one to the left of here, the other is right down this pathway by the side of this train.''
''Oh. Well, that one's closer, that must be the one!''
''I doubt that, Barret.''
''Well, let's just go!''
''I have no spi--''
''You too, Cloud.''
Then they rounded up Biggs and Wedge, and Barret talked about how he did not trust Cloud because Cloud had no self-esteem, worked for ShinRa, was an annoying little fart, had no self-esteem, was too mysterious, and had poked him in the ear with a part of his hair when he leaned over on the train trip. Then, they walked over towards the ShinRa building, which loomed ominously in the distance. One the way, Biggs passed a sign that said ''ShinRa Headquarters, 1 Mile Ahead'' and so they walked in the direction the sign was pointing, before arriving at a small supermarket with thousands of cassettes on every shelf.
''Uhm....excuse me,'' Wedge asked the man at the desk, ''Where's Shinra?''
''Ohhhhh, dude, this is ShinRa, lookee that sign over there!'' Then he pointed to a sign that read 'ShinRa Cassettes and DVDs'.
''This is craptastic,'' Barret said, ''Jessie, I told you this was the wrong place.''
''WHAT!? But you--''
''Hey, man, this is THE place for cassettes!'' the counter-guy said, ''Now buy something. In ten minutes. I'm on my break now.''
''Well listen up...'' Biggs looked at the man's name tag, ''....'Rude', where's your boss, maybe he's more helpful!''
''Nah, screw you hosers, go ask Elena, in the back. Or Tseng, but he's kinda asleep, he's the guy in the corner with the spit bubble. And Reno, he's the guy trying to pop the spit bubble with that string.''
Suddenly, an old man stormed in, and kicked at a loadbearing wall angrily.
''You...you lame-ass kids, get the hell off your asses and move! I don't pay you one-thousand five hundred gil below minimun monthly wage to do absolutely nothing, I pay you crap to sell millions worth in tapes, so haul it, you Turks!''
''Right away, Rufus!'' Tseng said, snapping awake and standing up suddenly, knocking Reno out of his chair into a shelf.
''That's Mr. ShinRa to you, you punkass lowlife, I'm taking your sleep time out of your pay--''
''B-But sir, you already pay me nothing---''
''MOVE!''
''Yessir!!''
''And Rude,'' Rufus ShinRa barked, ''Show these guys the door if they aren't buying anything!''
''Okay, Mr. ShinRa. Get 'em, Guard Scorpion!!''
Then, Rude pulled out a small, pink plastic container and out of it came a small scorpion, which slowly crawled over to Barret and tried to attack his shoe.
''Quick, Cloud, get it before it uses the Tail Laser!'' Biggs said, ''Use Braver! Or Thunder!''
''...Or do this.'' Barret said, before raising one shoe and crushing the scorpion with one boot.
''...I could have done that, just slower.'' Cloud said.
''GUARD SCORPION! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!'' Rude screamed, before picking up his pet with a napkin and flushing it down the toilet, ''I swear to the Planet, on it's name, that from today on, me and the Turks will take a sworn vow, a vow of dedicated hatred of all things related to you, and we will systematically hunt you down, failing at every attempt, being small-time villains whose superior intellect is no match for your puny weapons!!''
''Rude, they're gone.'' Elena said, ''They left while you were at the can.''
''Goddammit.''
''Get back to work, you damn hooligans.''
After Rufus left, Elena commented.
''Man, that geezer is such a...a....geezer.''
''Yeah, who says 'hooligans?'''
''Yeah, that's as dumb as 'let's mosey.'''
''Yep.''
''Ya betcha.''
''Mmmhmmm.''
''Sure.''
''Nice.''
''Let's all stop talking now.''
''Nice.''
***
''Damn. Wrong ShinRa place,'' Barret said, ''Wrong ShinRa place. Damn Cloud, all his fault! It's all his fault! I knew we couldn't trust someone in it for the money!''
''Yep, Barret. And it's all Cloud's fault, not yours.''
''I do not know if that was sarcasm or not,'' Cloud replied in a monotone voice, ''But I am willing to take that due to a lack of spine.''
''Dammit, Cloud, if you say that again I'll rip the vertabrae from your skin with a pair of salad tongs and then repeatedly beat you with a toilet lid.''
''...But if you do that I will have no---''
''DIE.''
Then Jessie flew through the air and tackled Cloud while beating at his face, doing the only actual fighting she would ever do, beating Cloud up being the full extent of her combat for the entirety of the game. After Wedge peeled Cloud off the floor when the blonde man couldn't get himself off the floor, weighed down by his giant sword which somehow cannot kill small dogs in one hit, and yet still is bigger than the wielder.
After an arduous walk, they arrived at Mako Reactor 6.
***
''Erm....so....''
''ShinRa Electrical Company, run by a guy named ShinRa. The REAL ShinRa, Barret.'' Jessie said, teeth grinding.
''ShinRa Electric, sucking the life out of the Planet since....uh...wait, when did they start sucking the life out of the Planet?''
''Just shut up and toss me an explosive charge. And you, Spineless, get over here.''
''Okay, for I--''
''DIE,'' Jessie screamed, and lunged at Cloud again, before Biggs and Wedge pried her off him.
''...I honestly wan't gonna do the spine thing,'' Cloud said, ''I meant I was out of change. ...I'm doing this out of a lack of money, I don't have gil for laundry, I've been wearing these clothes nine days now.''
At that, everyone slowly stepped away from Cloud.
Uneasily, they wandered thorugh the harmful-radiation-emitting Mako Reactor's maze of high walkways, endless, repetitive and stupid ladders, and doors, before recirving a small materia and setting the explosive charges.
''Hold it!''
It was Tseng, along with Reno, Rude, and Elena.
''Oh crap, you guys,'' Barret said, ''Don't you shill tapes?''
''We're back for vengeance!'' Rude shouted back, ''And we're on coffee break, we gotta be back in 19 minutes.''
''Oh.''
''Oh. ....I have no spine. ...There, I said it.''
''Well, whatever,'' Rude said, ''Face Tseng's pet, Guard Roach!''
Then Rude reached into Tseng's pocket and threw a roach at Cloud, who started flailing around on the floor before Barret crushed it under his boot, at which point Tseng screamed.
''Dammit, I HATE you people!''
''We're AVALANCHE,'' Barret said, ''And our secret headquarters can be located at the Seventh Heaven bar. You could probably find the number in your local yelow pages.''
''Whatever. You'll have to kill all our pets...or dye our hair purple....to stop us!!''
''Guard Scorpion and Roach?'' Cloud spoke, his voice knocked out of monotone temporarily, ''Is there no...Guard Dog, or Guard....Chicken?''
''...Chicken?''
''Well....yeah, man. They hurt, I was eight, and a chicken hit me in the head, so I started crying. It was real big, like a phoenix with a firey glove growing out it's head, and it spat fire at me...''
''...Uhm...that...WAS....a....phoenix....''
''That explains much.''
Then, seeing as how there was an explosive a foot away from them, Cloud and Barret ran out of the reactor fighting mechanical things painted bright colors that shoot light, and Cloud freed Jessie, who was trapped under a stone, and they ran across the Midgar streets.
Along the way, Cloud ran into a woman with a basket of flowers. Cloud bought a flower to give to Tifa, because Tifa was scary and could beat him up, even though she had gloves and he had a large sword that could pretty much crush things smaller than a large family-sized automobile. Cloud started running towards the train trying to catch up to the girl who hated his spine, the two dumb guys who he could swear have seen in a movie somewhere about stars, and wars, and Mr. T.
Biggs and Wedge jumped into the train, followed by Barret and Cloud.
Then, they all rode towards the AVALANCHE hideout.
***
Back at the Seventh Heaven bar, Tifa Lockhart stopped talking to her family on the phone and sat in a chair for a long time looking at Marlene, who was playing with a book of matches and some fishing hooks. Deciding Marlene was safe, Tifa waited until Cloud came.
''HIYA CLOUD,'' she loudly said, ''HOW WAS BLOWING UP THINGS?''
''...I bought you a flower, Tifa--''
''SUGAR IS GOOD, IF YOU DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH. MARLENE IS PLAYING WITH DANGEROUS THINGS.''
''...''
''PLASTIC SURGEONS ARE GREAT, WHEN THEY'RE LICENSED.''
''...Uh...Marlene, I bought you a flower.'' Then, Cloud gave Marlene the cheap flower bought from the strange woman who was selling them for apparently no real reason, failing ot see that in a large, industrialized city she was walking in the road selling daisies to people who lived in a place utterly without soil. Flowers, which were practically free. And yet availible in an industrialized, mechanized city of steel. Flowers.
''HEY CLOUD,'' Tifa said, ''WHAT DID YOU AND THE A-TEAM DO?''
''DAMMIT,'' Barret shouted, ''WE ARE NOT THE A-TEAM! IT'S AVALANCHE!! AV-A-LAN-CHE! NOT THE A-TEAM! I AM NOT MR. T. IT'S JUST THE HAIRCUT. I DO NOT PITY ANY FOOLS, OR RUN AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE HELPING TO....Oh wait, yeah I do... Alright, I do that...Alright, and I guess the similarity is....okay....okay...point there, too....damn.... ...And I pity fools.....but.....I hate you all.....''
''HEY CLOUD,'' Tifa suddenly screamed out of nowhere after an uncomfortable pause, ''I MADE TENS OF DOLLARS IN THE BAR SERVING WINE TODAY! AND THEN I FOUND SOME MONEY IN THIS RANDOM TREASURE CHEST WHICH WAS THERE FOR NO REASON! IN TERMS OF MONEY, I AM A HUNDREDARE!!''
''....Which wine, Tifa?'' Barret asked.
''THE CRAPPY STUFF, FROM ABOUT NINETY YEARS AGO, IT WAS OLD, SO IT WAS ALL ICKY, SO I SOLD THE OLD WINE, AND KEPT THE NEWER WINE, BARRET! YAY!''
''....''
''....I need my money, Barret,'' Cloud said, ''I need to do laundry.''
''Erm, well, when my book deal and my lawsuit comes through, I'll pay you.''
''No dice, Barret, I smell terrible.''
''WAIT, CLOUD,'' Tifa interjected, ''YOU OWE ME. DON'T MAKE ME DO THE FLASHBACK THING.''
''Yeah. And you have no spine. So work for me, dumbass.'' Barret cracked.
''...Okay,'' replied Cloud, ''But in return, Jessie can't hurt me if I talk about my spine.''
''Deal. Now go to sleep, we've got another mission. Tifa comes with us, if we can get her to pose in front of Reactor 5, we can distract some guards.''
''Okay.''
''PEOPLE PAY ME MONEY TO HOP ON ONE FOOT.''
''...'' Cloud looked at Barret wordlessly, then began to look at a cobweb in the corner as Barret shifted back and forth uneasily.
''IT'S GOOD MONEY! I AM A HUNDREDARE! YAAAAAAAY ME!!''
''You all suck. I hate you all. AVALANCHE needs no idiots, you try and save the damn planet, and they just screw you over again. This is just fine and dandy. Asstacular,'' Barret sighed, ''I wish I had taken that supermarket clerk job instead of mining. I am not Mr. T. That's the title of my book, we don't talk the same, or look too much alike, or drive around in a van helping people with kids in shirts... GET SLEEP.''
End Prologue.