A funnie parody crossover by the Goddess of True Punk (not stupid posers) and Death
~~~~~~
(Author's note: This is a wacky parody crossover of Evangelion that I wrote! ^-^ It has characters from both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Harry Potter! Lol! ^^ I thought that maybe I could write something funny for once instead of my usual romance/angst stories. ^______^ If the characters seem a little OOC it's to make it zanier and wackier and therefore funnier! XD XD XD!!!! I hope that it makes you LOL! Thanx for reading and have a super-fun time! :)
They're coming.
I know.
They'll be here soon. What will you do?
Nothing. Why should I?
They're going to replace you.
That's okay. Then I won't have to pilot any more.
Really? Then how will Father notice you even exist?
"Shut up! I don't care!"
Shinji sat up in bed, eyes wide, beads of sweat dripping from his brow. He realised
he was gasping for air and slight tears had begun to form in his eyes.
His bedroom door creaked open and a bar of light fell onto his face. The vague
silhouette of Misato's face peered around the edge of the door.
"Shinji? I thought I heard you shout something... Are you alright?"
"I-I'm okay," he replied shakily. "I was just thinking... the
new pilots arrive tomorrow, don't they? Two of them. That's more pilots than
Eva units. Will they still..." Shinji trailed off. "Will they need...
I mean, uh..." He couldn't find the courage to ask the question out loud.
"Are you worried about them taking your job?" Misato laughed, opening
the door further and stepping inside. She sat down at the foot of Shinji's bed
and looked sidelong at him. "You really don't have to be worried at all.
With your synch ratio as high as it is, new pilots aren't really necessary anyway."
Shinji smiled at her, relieved. "Thanks, Misato!"
"Get some sleep, they'll be here tomorrow and you have to be up early to
greet them." Misato stood up and walked to the door. "Goodnight, Shinji."
The door shut, and darkness filled the room once more. Shinji closed his eyes.
He thoughts about what a big day it would be tomorrow, and all doubts were finally
expelled as he drifted into unconsciousness.
Sterile sunlight streamed through the window, pouring across the faces of the
three children, seated on a bench in one of the labyrinthine corridors of NERV
HQ. Rei stared impassively out into the sky; Shinji stared at his hands, fingers
nervously knotted. Asuka tapped her foot and fidgeted impatiently, playing with
her hair and checking her watch. Finally, she snapped:
"Damn it! Where are these new guys? It's been hours! I'm sick of this crap!"
"It's only been fifteen minutes," Rei replied.
"Yeah, well why did they bother dragging us here if our wonderful
new friends haven't even bothered to show up yet?" Asuka retorted, sarcastically.
No reply came, and the corridor descended back into impatient silence.
Why does she have to be so rude all the time? Shinji thought. It's
not like we've been here that long. She probably just likes to complain.
After what seemed like an eternity to Asuka, Misato slipped almost surreptitiously
through the set of double-doors. Behind her followed a boy with tousled brown
hair that was so unkempt that he appeared to have been dragged through a hedge
backwards, and a girl whose appearance was so immaculate that she seemed to
have just stepped off the set of a movie, or at the very least a commercial
advertising make-up or shampoo. They marched in single file up to the trio of
children.
"Shinji, Rei, Asuka, I'd like to introduce your new teammates." Misato
smiled. "This is Harry Potter," she said, indicating the untidy boy,
"and this is Buffy Summers," she pointed to the girl. They all gave
each other a lukewarm greeting, and Misato left them all to get better acquainted
with each other.
"So, what did you both do before you came to NERV?" Asuka asked.
"I was a wizard," Harry told them, his British accent sounding wacky
and strange to the others.
"I slayed vampires and delivered witty-one liners. I'm the chosen one,
one girl in all the world to -"
"- Yeah we don't need your whole Goddamned life story," Asuka cut
her off, annoyed. She had finally found a proper rival, a girl with whom she
could compete! She was going to show this Buffy girl who was boss by the end
of the day. "What's say we all go out and I give you a tour of this place?
It's pretty boring, but I'm sure I'll more than make up for that!"
"Um... Okay!" Buffy said, uncertainly. "Will everyone else be
joining us?"
"Nah, I'm sure Shinji and Rei can entertain the other guy. We'll catch
up with them later. Come on!" Asuka was already walking through the double-doors,
on her way out of NERV. Buffy ran to catch up, and they were gone.
Harry still stood silently, almost as if he was waiting for permission to speak
or move. Rei stood up and turned to him.
"It's very nice to - augh!" She half-screamed, half gasped as she
slipped on a heretofore unnoticed puddle of water on the linoleum flooring.
Shinji stood up, his face a picture of shock as Rei's head smashed into the
bench, her body flopping almost lifelessly to the floor. Shinji and Harry both
stared, unable to speak or scream. Blood had begun to mingle with the water,
spreading out like a blooming rose.
"Get... Get Misato! Now!" Shinji wailed, finally breaking free from
his paralysis. "Hurry!"
The words seemed to bypass Harry's thought-processes and go straight into the
part of his brain marked "action." He turned and ran, gasping with
fright, adrenaline roaring in his ears.
Shinji turned back to Rei's stricken form as the doors flapped closed. Kneeling
beside her, he cradled her head and listened to see if she was breathing. To
his relief, he could faintly hear her laboured gasps.
"Don't worry, Rei," he whispered, more to calm himself than anything
else. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. "It's going to be okay... Please
God."
Some distance away, and completely unaware of the drama going on in NERV HQ,
Asuka and Buffy walked through a small park. Asuka ran ahead giggling, and leapt
into one of the swings. Buffy joined her, and they both began to kick up, causing
the swings to reach higher and higher into the air.
Asuka turned to her new friend and rival, and asked: "So, now that you've
seen where you'll be staying, where else do you wanna go? We could go visit
some of the other people I know if you want."
"Nah," Buffy said, pushing her feet down and stopping herself from
swinging. She grabbed onto the chains and leaned back, staring into the deep
blue sky. Cicadas were screeching all around them, and she found the drone relaxing.
"It's nice here. Kids are playing," she indicated a group of children
who were playing with a skipping rope. "Everything is just calm. I haven't
been anywhere like this in a long time."
"Sure. We can stay here for a while. Hey! When was the last time you played
jump rope?" Asuka asked mischievously. She had found the first competition
she could have with her new rival, and was eager to prove herself. "Wanna
go play?"
"It's been a few years, but sure thing! Let's make it a contest!"
Asuka grinned evilly, her eyes sparkling. "I was hoping you'd say that."
Minutes later, they had coerced the children to let them play too. Buffy and
Asuka stood in the middle, the rope playing at their feet. Two of the kids stood
either side, ready to swing the rope around for them.
"Ready?" Asuka asked.
"Ready as I'll ever be."
"Go!"
The two children brought the rope arcing over the two girls' heads.
Jump.
They both leapt in unison, legs just avoiding the rope barely.
Jump.
This time the rope almost clipped Asuka's heel, but she moved fast and skipped
across it. Buffy moved effortlessly, her Slayer reflexes almost making a mockery
of the game.
Jump.
Jump.
Jump.
The rope moved faster. Asuka's legs began to ache, but she never faltered. She
wasn't going to lose. No way! This was her first chance to prove herself, and
first impressions always lasted longest, she knew.
Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump-jump-jump-jumpjumpjumpjumpjump-
The cord whirred as it cut through the air. Faster and faster it whirled around
them. No longer were they merely jumping, now they had to almost dance above
the rope's path. Asuka found that she kept holding her breath to stop herself
from wheezing; her lungs felt as if they were on fire. Her heart was beating
so hard that it seemed to her as if it could explode at any moment. She knew
now it was only a matter of time. Only a matter of time before she'd be beaten.
Before she'd fail. Before she'd lose to this upstart, this bitch who probably
hadn't even sat in the pilot seat of an Eva before! The rage boiled in her blood
and drove her on, forcing her to eke out every last bit of energy. Her legs
were about to give way when it happened.
Buffy had been holding out pretty well, but it all came to a crashing end. Her
enhanced Slayer stamina was slightly depleted but by no means running out, but
it must have been worn down enough to affect her reflexes, for as the rope flew
under it managed to catch her heel in such a way that not even her augmented
senses could stop her from spinning through the air and falling flat onto the
dusty tarmac below. The game was over.
The anger that was building up inside Asuka quickly turned to cruel laughter.
She cackled heartlessly, hand pressed against the stitch in her side. Buffy
pushed herself up onto her knees and turned to stare in dismay what she had
thought was her friend. Dirt blemished her face, mingling with a graze that
marked her left cheek. She was aghast at what she saw: Asuka, doubled over,
laughing so nastily. She pulled herself to her feet and ran off.
"Hey! Wait! There's no need to... Oh well." She watched as Buffy disappeared
amongst the buildings of Tokyo-3. "Hah! Looks like I am the best
after all. I hope she remembers that well."
The corridors of NERV's own internal hospital were oddly silent and almost
completely empty, save two figures who sat in one of the many corridors. The
corridors of the hospital section were no different to any other in NERV: Sterile
white passageways that crisscrossed almost at random. Shinji often wondered
just why the place seemed to be built so randomly. He supposed that his father
probably had something to do with it.
A doctor approached the twosome. They had been sitting in silence ever since
they had gone with Rei to the hospital. Neither Harry nor Shinji had any idea
what to say to one another. The doctor was the first to break the silence in
over an hour:
"She's going to be fine. She won't be piloting for a while, but she'll
be back on her feet in no time. It's a good thing we have some new recruits.
Looks like they'll be getting some field experience the next time an Angel shows
up!"
Shinji forced a smile. "Can we go see her?"
"Not yet. Maybe you should take your friend and go home for the night.
You can see her in the morning for sure."
Friend, Shinji thought. Is that really what we are? We've barely even
spoken to each other.
Shinji continued to ponder on that thought as he made his way home, Harry in
tow
The lights were off in Buffy's new room, and she sat in the semi-darkness,
sunset's last rays playing across the wall beside her bed. She slumped, one
hand pressed to a fresh cut on her arm to staunch the bleeding. A pair of scissors
lay nearby, the blades wet with her blood.
Again, the thoughts of her fall played back in her mind. She could see Asuka's
face as she laughed, as she taunted her for not being good enough. She knew
Asuka despised her, especially now that she'd failed. Failed! She was the Slayer,
chosen to protect the world and pilot Eva... and she couldn't even win a jump-rope
match! What good was she to this world? Why should she even need to exist?
Sobbing back the tears, Buffy picked up the scissors and with barely a thought,
drew another agonising line across her arm. The blood slid down her arm like
a tiny river. It spread down to her palm and welled up. Drips began to fall,
splashing on the varnished wooden floor. She needed the pain; every time
she felt it, every time she saw it on the outside it would disappear from inside
her.
She found herself reaching to cut again when the realisation of her actions
dawned on her. She screamed and threw the scissors across the room. God, how
she hated herself for this. She wished she could just disappear. She hugged
her knees to her chest, scabs of congealed blood falling away from her arm and
smearing on her thigh, and wept.
(Author's note #2: There!! *_* I hope you liked it! n____n I tried to
find many zany and hilarious situations to put the characters in that they wouldn't
normally get into! LoL! XD XD XD! It definitely made me LMAO when I thought
how wacky it would be to have Rei, who is usually so graceful, clumsily fall
right over! Lol!! ^__^ And then a jump-rope match between Asuka and Buffy, how
much more hair-brained and just plain SILLY can you get!? XD Well, thanks for
taking your time to read this parody and I hope you found it as funny and outrageous
as I did!! Chapter 2 SOON! *crawls off to hide under her Miffy plush from the
big bad world*)