The Night Before Ripping Day
'Twas the night before Ripping Day and all through Elm Street,
Not a minor was left living ('cept for the guy with malodorous feet)
The children were not sleeping in their cozy little beds,
(They got botulism at school and had to leave town for meds)
When last night's burrito came back to haunt him, his claws froze mid-tap,
And he rushed to the lavatory to take a most epic crap.
When from the bathroom he'd finally withdrawn,
He heard a loud noise come from out on his lawn.
Out his front door, he flew like a flash,
And tore up his lawn while amidst his reckless dash.
As he stood outside, his annoyance just grew.
When he was beaned in the head by a flying can of Mountain Dew.
When what but his wandering eyes did appear,
But a crazy young woman with spiky red hair.
When she turned off her radio, which had started to buzz.
Freddy just had to wonder who the hell this bitch was.
More rapid than eagles came her ranted words,
She glared daggers at him and flipped him the bird.
"You're here, Freddy Krueger,
Don't you start bitchin'!
You're not tipsy and pukin'
'Cause you've no beer for drinkin'
You have no e-mail address,
And I'm too lazy to call.
If I waited any longer on your porch,
I'd kick you in the balls!"
As dry leaves before the hurricane fly,
He wondered at the moment if he might be high.
So up to his face, her booted feet flew,
Giving him a nosebleed (and probably a concussion, too)
To the cold ground, he fell with an "urk!"
What can one say? The man was a jerk.
She drew up to him with barely a sound,
And he looked up at her with his ass on the ground.
"Freddy Krueger," she giggled, "Can't you wait 'till January?"
The blood from his nose flowed like juice from a cherry.
"It's Ripping Day!" she declared as she gave him a box with a bow,
It was wrapped in the same colors as her camo cargos.
She had a midnight black tank top and two knives, both sheathed,
He glowered at her, baring his mangled teeth.
She gave him a box of preserves and fine jelly,
All sorts of sweets to fill someone's belly.
She pulled out the eggnog, soon both had a ball.
She poured him another glass and slowly she drawled,
"Best behave next Ripping Day, don't be so crass!
Keep me waiting next year and I'll kick your ass!"
She said no more words and went straight to work.
Well, other than "Here's another gift you crazy old jerk."
She patted his back, wished him a happy Ripping Day.
She flashed him the peace sign and then walked away.
Strangely enough, his heart soared like a rocket.
Until, of course, he reached into his pocket.
When he found his wallet gone, he knew he'd been suckered.
A woman's voice shouted, "HAPPY HOLIDAYS, KRUEGER, YOU BURNT MOTHERFUCKER!"