My friend/roommate has incredibly hilarious road rage. I imagined Raph would be like that. We just saw the 6th Turtles movie and loved it. :)

Rated T for strong language. No PG13 Turtles here!

Leo was facing the toughest challenge of his life on a balmy summer midday: Raph in the driver's seat with Mikey as the passenger. In the dusty backroom of Leo's mind, he remembered Don's words, "I promised Raph he could drive all of you to Casey's farmhouse in Northampton and I've come down with a case of fecal incontinence..."

Leo rolled his eyes at the memory-

Don's voice continued with a cough, "...so my apologies. Wear ear plugs." Then he disappeared into the restroom before Master Splinter could get in, leaving him disgusted that he had to wait AGAIN.

"Put on some jam, bro!" Mikey screeched Leo's mind back to the present.

"I don't want music!" Raph slapped Mikey's energetic hands from the radio. "I gotta concentrate. Gotta not run over people."

Run over people? Leo frowned, quickly reaching for the giant cake they made for April and Casey's 3 month anniversary and Casey's acceptance into the police academy. Raph's spicy remark that Casey's bigger accomplishment was not running April off had rubbed Splinter the wrong way, and the four brothers were ordered to bake a cake together without a nuclear meltdown in the kitchen. Don ate too much cake batter and guzzled down an entire pack of orange Crush, which he probably did on purpose. Don couldn't lie; he would purposely make himself sick to get out of riding with Raph as a driver.

Leo was certain they would be in more pieces than the cake, by the time the Tartaruga Brothers Truck rolled in the farmhouse.

Three minutes into traffic, Raph starts:

"What are you doing, son of a bitch? The pedal is on the right, not the left!"

"Asshole! I was going for that lane!"

"Learn to DRIVE!" He laid on the horn and didn't remember it was set up as a pneumatic horn... and not a small one either. It was a few minutes before their hearts stopped beating like hummingbirds.

"Oh you just HAD to have that spot even when I've been sitting here for TEN MINUTES!"

…...yes, three minutes into the journey, but ten minutes stationary in a wall of vehicles was perfect math in Raph's mind.

Mikey snorted. "He's totally doing this to piss you off, Raph."

"Mikey!" Leo kicked the back of his brother's seat. "Don't encourage him. Raph, don't push any buttons!"

Five minutes later:

"YOU DIPSHIT! Did you not see this big fucking truck in your mirror?! I oughta run you over and not look back! You want a fucking manhole cover up your ass?!"

"I'm THIS CLOSE to getting out and caving that guy's skull in!" He flipped off someone two cars over roaring down the highway.

Mikey howled and bounced in his seat. "You can't flip anybody off with three fingers, dude! It looks like you're pointing up!"

The cake laid safe in Leo's tight embrace.

"WHY DID I EVER WANT TO BE AROUND HUMANS? THEY CAN'T DRIVE! FUCK THEM!" The turbulence from Raph's continuing road rage cut the drive to the farmhouse in almost half.