Frank watches as the snow litters the ground, covering every surface in white. He smiles a little, the thought of a white Christmas made him happy. But nothing was perfect, not in Frank's life. He would be spending the rest of his life yearning. Desperately trying to reach out, grab someone's attention. There's a flicker of movement outside, and his eyes find their way to Gerard and Mikey shoving eachother in the snow, huge smiles smothering their faces.
Frank's posture wavers, and his legs wobble ever so slightly, so he grips the edge of the windowsil tighter. He disappears up to his room before they come in to the house they all share. His room is nothing special, the usual things with a few band posters. He sighs gently, grabbing his acoustic guitar before settling onto his bed cross-legged. He strums a few chords before deciding that he didn't really want to play, he wasn't in the mood.
He can hear them talking downstairs in loud, cheerful voices, and he doesn't want to ruin the Christmas spirit so he stays in his room. He thinks back to when his feelings hadn't gotten in the way for him so much, when he could plaster a smile on his lips until he got into his room where he'd cry until he fell asleep. He had been younger, possibly more hopeful, but in love. He still was.
He was still in love with his best friend.
"Oh god," The thought is choking, and he clamps a hand over his mouth, cramming down the sob that wants to escape. In love with his best friend. He was a horrible, disgusting person. But Gerard wasn't.
Gerard was beautiful. He was sweet and cared so much about everything and everyone, even the assholes. He couldn't ever be mean back to the people that had bullied him in school. He was passionate, about art, music, life. He had a smile that could make Frank forget about everything, just for a moment. His hair, even though it was long and getting far too greasy, it was just him. Everything about Gerard made Frank fall in love a little more.
Frank thinks he hears his name downstairs, but thinks nothing of it as he gets up to start getting ready for the party they were having tonight. Time to get into the Christmas mood, he thinks.
The beer had set a buzz over him, he felt relaxed and happy, and maybe a little dizzy. He was drunk, obviously, he knew that. He stumbles across the kitchen, getting another drink and taking a sip before spilling most of it on the floor. He shrugs, oh well, and makes it into the living room without falling over. It's pretty packed, and the sofas are all taken up, so he decides to go to his bedroom. He hears his name over the music as he passes the one seater, and grabs onto the window sill to hold himself up as he turns.
"Frankie, c'mere," Gerard is reaching his hand out, newly bleached white hair slightly messed up, and Frank takes it, falling onto his lap clumsily. They both giggle, because yeah they're definitely both fucking wasted, and Frank nuzzles his neck. "Don't kill me okay," Gerard hiccups, before putting a hand on the side of Frank's face and managing to guide his lips to Frank's. It's clumsy and unco-ordinated, but still gentle and Frank opens his mouth to greet Gerard's tounge and Gerard holds onto Frank's waist, letting Frank straddle him properly.
When they part, Frank sort of just drags his lips across Gerard's cheek.
"Your hair is really fucking cool, okay," He slurs, pressing his mouth to Gerard's neck. Gerard giggles, hands suddenly gone from Frank's hips.
"I'm gunna puke," Is Frank's warning before he's pushed to the side, he catches himself on the arm of the sofa, before Gerard runs to the bathroom. Frank shrugs and smiles, licking his lips before passing out.
When he wakes, he groans and closes his eyes, shutting out the light. His head ached so bad, oh god. Most of the night was a blur, just beer after beer, Gerard's fucking hair and then-
Oh. Oh shit.
He kissed Gerard. Or Gerard kissed him. Whatever, there'd been kissing and Frank remembered it and oh god, what was he going to do? What if Gerard never wanted to speak to him again, what if he threw away their friendship over a kiss?
What if Gerard didn't remember it?
That was the best thing that could happen, as much as Frank hated to admit it. Maybe he could act like he didn't remember too. Maybe.
He eventually opens his eyes, still in the armchair and groans as he sits up, his back clicking and aching. He didn't really know what to do, so he did what he does best and made coffee. Luckily everyone else had gone and Mikey and Gerard were asleep. He drinks his coffee quickly and then disappears to his room to change into clean clothes.
He's not sure how things will go when Gerard wakes up. He's nervous, to say the least. He hoped Gerard would remember, but he didn't too. He didn't want Gerard to be angry at him, or even upset, because it could destroy their friendship. God, he was shitting himself.
It's not long until Gerard stumbles into the kitchen, eyes half-shut and hair sticking up. He goes straight for the coffee maker and Frank just watches him, a slight frown playing on his lips.
"Mornin'," Gerard grumbles, rubbing his eyes. "Fuck, last night was crazy,"
Frank laughs a little high-pitched. "Yeah,"
"I can't even remember what happened, shit," Gerard laughs and Frank can feel his heart just shatter. He didn't remember, of course he didn't. Frank bites his lip until it bleeds, he couldn't cry, not here. Gerard sips his coffee before sighing as he rubs his forehead. "I'm going back to bed,"
"Okay," Frank's voice is quiet and he stares at the countertop as Gerard leaves and he hears his bedroom door shut a few moments later. He doesn't know why it hurts him so much, he never really had a chance with Gerard, not in this lifetime, not in any lifetime. He closes his eyes, feeling the wetness streak down his cheeks. He rubs at them, but they continue as he gets his shoes on and heads for the door. Mikey's coming down the stairs as he opens the front door.
"Frank, hey wait-" Mikey grabs his arm, but Frank pulls away.
"Don't, Mikey, please," Frank backs out of the door and lets it shut behind him before he runs.