I Wish I May

by M. D. Jensen

Contrary to popular belief, Remus, James, Sirius and Peter didn't meet on the train and instantly become friends. This is the real story...

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone really in this story, although I suppose I did make up Ethan and Christine. However, I might be proven wrong later about them, which is why I say I don't really own them. Er, whatever.

Summary: Contrary to popular belief, Remus, James, Sirius and Peter didn't meet on the train the first day and instantly become best friends. How Remus became a werewolf, how he got to Hogwarts, who his first friend was and how he became a Marauder.

I Wish I May…

Remus Lupin lay face down on his bed, trying to fall asleep. His eyes were forced shut by the pillow he had pushed his head into, his breathing deep and slow from trying to breath through the fabric. Another pillow forced down around his ears hid himself from his parent's conversation in the other room; it was nothing he wanted to hear anyway, nothing different from anything else they said.

Ethan, his mother would say, he's a werewolf, not a squib! He needs proper training; do you want him to live life as a muggle?

Now Christine, his father would reply soothingly, you know that's not at all what I mean. I'm just saying, how can he go to Hogwarts?

We could bring him home every month during the full…

His studies would be disrupted for that long every month; can you imagine how far behind he'd fall?

He's a smart boy, Ethan.

I never said he wasn't, just that…

That was always when he stopped listening. His parents would go on like this for hours, trying to find ways for and reasons not for Remus going to Hogwarts.

He shifted his face onto his cheek so he could see the clock through the gap in his pillows. It was almost midnight and they were still at it. He pulled his head back in and felt his air go stale and warm again. Soon he fell asleep.

///one hour later\\\

Ethan Lupin looked in on his eleven-year-old son with pity and guilt. He was asleep, tossing and turning as he usually did. He watched as his son whimpered and turned over in his bed, coming dangerously close to falling off the side and hitting his head on his night table. His father walked in quietly and shifted the table a few inches away, then stood back to watch his son. He felt a light touch on his shoulder and whispered to his wife, "I think we've upset him."

"Yes."

"You know," Ethan commented. "Sometimes I wish this had never happened. Our sweet, sweet boy, he never deserved this…"

"Sometimes?" Christine asked bitterly. Ethan knew she still blamed him for the accident.

They stood there for a minute, watching their only son in his fitful sleep. Little did they know, his dreams were identical to their pained memories.

///flashback\\\

"No! I don't want to go back home! I want to play some more!"

"Remus! Your mother expected us back an hour ago," Ethan lazily told his five-year-old son. "Come on, Sport, how long can it take to have a picnic?"

"I don't want to have a picnic…"

"You already did."

"…I want to climb a tree."

"We have trees in our backyard, Remus." He was starting to get a little annoyed. Then he heard laughter above his head. "What…"

Suddenly, a something relatively heavy fell onto his back. "Hey!" he shouted playfully.

Remus jumped down off of his father's back, howling with laughter. Still giggling, he chased away into the forest. "Can't get me!"

Ethan smiled after him. "Oh, no, I'm coming to catch you!" Actually, he remained perfectly stationary, with no intent to chase his son. He'd be back to make more mischief soon, he couldn't resist. Besides, how angry could Christine get over five more minutes? He laughed to himself, beginning to back up their lunch in a basket, wondering vaguely when he should start going after his son, wondering also if Remus was neatly tucked in the tree above him at the same instant, waiting to leap down on his father's head.

A piercing shriek erupted through the clearing. Suddenly shot to his feet, Ethan tore into the trees, looking for the source and praying that it wasn't his little boy.

He ran for no more than a minute before he came across his son, wailing and clutching his arm to his chest.

A distant figure loomed nearby, waiting to swoop down again, but Ethan didn't see it.

Ethan knelt down beside Remus, tugging his arm gently away from his body. A horrible, bloody bite mark disfigured the area above his wrist. Remus looked up at his father, tears streaking down his chubby cheeks. His round blue eyes, right in front of his father's own, were rapidly slanting and changing color to a brownish gold. His hair lengthened to his shoulders and his ears were pointy. Lupin shook as he scooped his son up, running full tilt back to the better-lit clearing.

Suddenly, a large weight fell onto his back, forcing him down to the dirt. Remus fell away from him, but only lay there, motionless. Ethan pulled out his wand in an instant, pointing at the large wolf lunging at him again. "Paralism!" he bellowed, trying to freeze the animal in its tracks. Nothing happened. "PARALISM!" he tried again. This time the monster stopped dead, eyes eerily open, but it wouldn't last. Without thinking, he pulled his son into his arms and a broomstick appeared in thin air. He jumped on and pushed off, soaring out of the accursed forest. In his arms, his son struggled powerfully. Not entirely believing himself, he pulled his wand out again and gently stunned his own son. Remus's eyes shut tightly, hiding their now abnormal color.

///present time\\\

Remus woke with a start, twirling around the face the mirror. The same face greeted him as had for the past six years, with the expected differences of age. (Not that he looked eleven.) His face was long and sort of pointy, all baby fat gone from his cheeks. His reddish-brown hair was mussed and tossed about, but when it was combed, it fell down to his chin. He was already 5' 9" and built lean yet powerful. Overall, he could have been fourteen. But it wasn't only that, the physical aspect was important, but not everything. His oddly slanted honey-colored eyes told of pain and experience that no one, especially not a child, should have known.

Remus sighed, partially in relief. No fur was there; his ears were still rounded. His pulled his lips into a forced smile and saw that no fangs were there. It wasn't time yet, time to change. Not for another week, this month. He tried to stop shaking, but it was near impossible. "I'm not a wolf yet," he tried to tell himself. His hands were shaking so badly that he couldn't even turn on his lamp that sat next to his bed. It took almost twenty minutes before he was calmed down enough to lie back down on his bed, even longer before he could fall asleep.

The next morning everyone was acting normal, like always. The three Lupins went through breakfast silently. Remus didn't feel like talking, and his parents didn't want to risk saying something wrong. In honor of trying to protect Remus, they hadn't told him that they planned to split. They didn't want to tell him yet, not before he needed to hear.

"So," his mother started, trying to force conversation. "How did everyone sleep?"

"Wonderfully, with you next to me dear," Ethan said tightly.

"Remus?"

"Fine," he muttered.

"Honey! Are you sick?"

Remus sighed. "No, Mom. Just a little tired."

His mother made as if to respond, but Ethan kicked her under the table and she stopped.

"May I be excused?" their son said quietly.

"Dear you've hardly touched your pancakes… but yes," she said when she saw his face.

Remus silently rose and pushed in his chair. He was making for his room when he heard his mother's voice behind him. "Dumbledore! What a surprise…"

Hope fluttered briefly in his heart, but he made himself keep walking.

Once in his room, his shut his door tightly behind him, locking it and adding his own personal spell. Quickly going to his bookshelf, he began flipping through his books until he found the desired one. He sat down Indian-style on his bed, turning the pages quietly even though there was a soundproof spell on his room.

Potion for the common cold…

Potion for curing boils…

Potion for dreamless sleep…

Smiling a little, Remus let his eyes flit over the ingredients. Bat wings (easy enough), snake fangs (again, simple), wormwood?

"Never." Remus said sadly.

He looked through book after book, even considering going to his parent's room and trying theirs, but it was no use. There was no Dreamless Sleep potion that he could brew without help.

"Useless," he said, running his hands through his bangs and lying back on his bed. He just had to get some sleep, but how could he? The nightmares were too common, and even if they only lasted a while, he was too shaken up to go to sleep again after one. After all, when one is being sent to Azkaban at age eleven for the unintentional murder of their parents, how can one sleep?

Remus sighed, seriously contemplating stunning himself. He went back to the bookshelf, looking through all his spell books. Finally he found one, and was just about to read through the process behind it when someone knocked on his door. Guilty and startled, Remus jumped, dropped the book on his foot and shoved it under the bookshelf, all before he remembered his door was locked.

"Coming," he said. He opened the door. "Sir! Hello, Professor Dumbledore, sir. Come in," he said politely, quickly swiping the books off of his bed (all were open to the Dreamless Sleep Potion or some variation.)

"Hello, Remus," Dumbledore said pleasantly. "And thank you." Remus blushed. It wasn't everyday a famous wizard such as Dumbledore made house calls.

The Lupins followed Dumbledore, remaining standing as Dumbledore settled into a chair and motioned for Remus to sit next to him.

"So, Remus, how are you this fine summer day?"

"Just fine, sir. Yourself?" Remus replied politely.

"Bearing good news, I am pleased to say," Dumbledore said almost mischievously. "Now, I have been informed of your situation," the old man said kindly. Remus squirmed and looked down at his feet. "It was one of the first things brought to my attention as newly appointed headmaster of Hogwarts. My sympathies. How old were you when you received your bite?"

"Five, sir," Remus said softly.

"Ah, a tender age indeed. And how are we controlling the situation every full moon?" the question was directed to Remus's parents, but Dumbledore's eyes never left Remus himself.

His mother spoke first. "Every full moon we take him into a special area of the forest near our home. There's a cottage there, with an unbreakable spell on all the doors and windows."

"Ah, yes. Very good precautions. Of course, we will have to make similar arrangements at school."

Remus looked up quizzically. Dumbledore's eyes were smiling. "Sir?"

"I believe we have worked out something that will allow you to attend Hogwarts, Remus."

He couldn't believe it. Before Remus knew what he was doing, he leapt out of his seat and hugged both his parents (his mother was crying) and Dumbledore. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" Then quite embarrassed, he pulled back suddenly, staring at the ground. "Thank you, sir." Dumbledore smiled and patted his head.

"Well, Ethan, Christine, we have matters to discuss, but I daresay Remus would much appreciate our re-location. I think he may have some re-organizing to do. Both Ethan and Christine were thoughrougly puzzled, but Dumbledore nodded slightly at the books and winked at Remus. Then they left.

Remus threw himself on his bed, grinning wildly. Hogwarts… he was going to Hogwarts! He'd get to be normal! Well, almost, but he'd go to school, he'd meet kids his age, he'd make friends… his hand hit one of the books.

Suddenly, he sat up. He knew. Dumbledore knew what I was thinking, he marveled. How could he have known what I wanted to do…?

It didn't matter. Exhausted from lack of sleep and excess of joy, Remus fell asleep on top of his sheets, wearing his shirt and jeans. And he didn't have nightmares.

The next month was the best of Remus's life. He went to Diagon alley, got spellbooks, a wand and even a pet owl, a gift from his mother, a two-month early birthday present. (I don't know his b-day.) His mother and father, he noticed, were acting considerably less tense around each other than usual. Even the time around the full moon was bearable, though still draining. However, as things got closer to September 1, his attitude slowly changed.

What if no one likes me? What if I'm still totally alone? What if the sorting hat puts all werewolves in Slytherin? Am I the first werewolf to go to Hogwarts? What if I get homesick?

He stopped and thought, then laughed out loud. Homesick? Not a major concern. But everything else… even if he did make friends, wouldn't they work it out eventually?

He kept quiet until a week before the start of school. His parents were (much to his embarrassment) throwing a going-away party for him, much to his protests. Present were his grandparents, aunts and uncles, and his four cousins, of whom he was second oldest. His eldest cousin, Todd, was already eighteen, and had graduated from Hogwarts last year. He was very wise, especially helpful to Remus, who always considered Todd his older brother. Things were quite boring at the party, and Remus decided to ask Todd about what he was feeling, and if it was normal.

"Todd, I need to talk to you."

"Sure, buddy, c'mon. This is getting dull anyway," he told Remus under his breath. "Our mums are getting to the baby pictures." He cringed. "You had quite a round little…" he began, then noticed Remus needed to be serious. "Okay. Come one, let's go to your room."

No one noticed as they left.

"So what is it, Buddy?" Todd asked, sitting down on Remus's bed. "What's on your mind?"

"I'm worried about Hogwarts," Remus blurted out, then blushed. Todd had a way of getting you to say exactly what was on your mind, damn how it sounded. "I'm just nervous, I guess."

"Hmmm, what about?"

"I'm scared no one will like me," Remus said quietly, his eyes finding his feet like they had a habit of doing.

"Ohhhhh. C'mon." he pulled Remus onto the bed next to him (Todd was strong and very tall, 6'6" to Remus's already considerable 5'9") and hugged him. Remus struggled, but gave up. Finally he muttered, "Can't…breath" and Todd relented.

"Go on. Talk."

"I'm just worried that no one will like me, they'll all think I'm weird or something. And even if they do befriend me, they'll figure out my secret. What do you think, Todd? Todd?"

Todd chuckled. "Sorry, buddy. It's just that you're the only eleven year old who says 'befriend'."

"See! That's what I mean," Remus said desperately. "I'm already weird!" he said loudly. He and Todd stared at each other, then as his words sunk in, they both burst out laughing.

"See?" Todd laughed. "You'll be fine, buddy. You've got the Lupin blood in you." He ran a hand through his own hair and grinned. "Girls get smitten, guys get jealous. You'll be fine."

"Okay. Thanks Todd."

"No prob."

It was pure chaos. Owls were hooting, moms were crying, kids were laughing and trunks were falling open unexplainably everywhere. A hook-nosed boy chased two boys his age, a dark-haired tan one and a shorter one with glasses. It took a second for Remus to notice a large neon sign proclaiming "Freakazoid" hanging above the hook-nosed boy's head. He looked quite upset. Suddenly Remus felt a pang of sympathy towards him, and quite angry at the two others.

"Here, this is the luggage drop off, Remus," his father said. "I guess this is it."

Christine hid her face in a handkerchief and hugged her son tightly. "Mum! Getoffme!"

His mother released him. "Take care, dear. Send us an owl when you get there, and as often as possible."

"Yes, mum. I will." He climbed on the train.

"Every week!"

"Yes, mum."

The train began pulling away.

"Every day!" his mother shouted after him. Pretending not to hear her, he shut to door and climbed into the corridor. He walked along for a few cars, not finding any open seats. There was one with a little room, but the two boys that had been teasing that other kid were in there, along with one other blonde boy. Remus marked this in his mind as "last resort" and continued on.

The last compartment he came on was only half-filled; it was a six-person with three people in it. One of them was the nose-boy, and a blonde with a pointy chin was next to him, wand pointed at the sign, obviously trying to remove it. A blonde girl moved forward, shaking her head and mouthing, "Boys!" and obviously performing the correct counter-jinx. The hook-nosed boy smiled thankfully.

Remus opened the door hesitantly. "Um, hi." He said. "Mind if I sit here?" Great opening line, Remus. The girl nodded.

"I'm Remus, by the way. Remus Lupin." He said, sitting down as far away from the three as he could.

"I'm Narcissa Marshals. (AN: if anyone knows her maiden name, please tell me?) This is Severus Snape and…"

"Malfoy," the blonde boy cut in. "Just Malfoy." He wasn't very friendly, but both Narcissa and Severus shook his hand.

They all fell silent, and Remus fidgeted.

"So," Narcissa said, breaking the silence. "What house do you think you'll be in, Remus?"

Remus jumped at being addressed directly. "Um, I don't know. Gryffindor, maybe?" He was happy enough just to be at Hogwarts; he hadn't really thought about it.

Malfoy snorted. "Slytherin, definitely."

"Er, Slytherin wouldn't be bad," Snape said. "Ravenclaw, maybe?"

"Ravenclaw, definitely." Narcissa said.

"Yeah, Ravenclaw would be okay," Remus said quickly.

Everyone but Malfoy nodded.

The rest of the ride was fairly silent, quite uncomfortable it its lack of conversation. Remus had begun to wish he had gone to another compartment. He obviously wasn't part of their little click, and had obviously intruded on a private conversation. When the announcement was made that they'd arrive in an hour, he stood up and announced that he was going to change into his robes. Narcissa looked up from her book and smiled. "Alright." No one else made a move.

He got to the bathroom and locked himself into a stall, changing into his robes with the Hogwarts crest on them. Then he decided to spend the rest of the ride in there. No one came looking for him; not that he'd expected anyone to.

"Remus, Lupin!"

Remus's legs felt like limp spaghetti, it was amazing in his mind that he made it to the stool. The sorting hat rested on his head. "Ahhh, yes, the special arrangement one. Well, where do you belong? Ravenclaw would suit you nicely, you have a brilliant mind here… how would you do in Gryffindor?"

Both my parents were in Gryffindor, Remus thought.

He jumped when the Hat addressed him back. "Ah, and you'd love to follow in your parent's footsteps, then, would you?" Remus nodded, and the Hat flopped from side to side on his head. "Well, then, I suppose it would do nicely. In fact, yes indeed… GRYFFINDOR!"

Remus grinned and looked down at his robes. The Hogwarts crest magically turned into a Gryffindor crest on his robe's breast.

He stumbled over to sit at his table, next to (much to his annoyance) the tall bully boy, now identified as Sirius Black. As the waited, the other bully and their blonde friend (James, Potter and Pettigrew, Peter) joined them. Both the boys from the train became Slytherins, but Narcissa got her wish and was made a Ravenclaw.

No one talked to him as he ate his dinner, his posture was sending off "Go away" vibes. Suddenly, a pretty redheaded girl slid in next to him. "Hi, I'm Lily Evans. What's your name? Robert, was it?"

Remus looked up at the girl, who was smiling at him. She was prettier than Narcissa, and her friendship looked slightly more sincere. "Remus Lupin. Hi."

She slapped her forehead. "Robert, Remus, honestly, I'm horrible at names. I'm a first year, too, by the way. So, are you eleven?"

"Yeah. You?"

"I'll be twelve in a few weeks, my birthday is, like, three days after the cut-off. So, I'm muggle-born, what about you?"

"Full-blood mother, muggle-born father," Remus said, glad to be having a real conversation at last. "I'm an only child. You?"

"One little sister, Petunia."

"Your parents must like flowers," Remus said gently, and Lily laughed musically.

"Everyone says that."

"No, I mean it. And you're just as pretty as one." He grinned lopsidedly and Lily smiled back at him, blushing.

They talked for a while more until Dumbledore announced bedtime and they followed their prefect up to their dormitories. Remus was fascinated by the portraits and their subjects, who were moving, and next to him, Lily was even more enchanted. Even though he was exhausted, Remus was almost sorry when they reached a portrait of a fat lady in a pink dress and everyone climbed through a hole in the wall.

"Well, g'night," Lily said sweetly. "Pleasant dreams." Remus was stunned when he realized that she was talking to him. His face lit up.

"Yeah. Yeah, you too. Good night."

He smiled as he walked up the stairs to his room, but then his face fell slightly. He was bunking with the other first year boys, there were only four of them. The others, of course, were Peter, James and Sirius. He was the first one there, and not wanting to talk to them, he climbed into bed and closed the curtains before they arrived.

The next few weeks were uneventful. Remus managed to speak only very, very briefly to his dormmates, but he and Lily gradually got closer. She was his only friend, and she also seemed quite happy with only one friend. She laughed when Remus imitated Sirius, James, Snape and Malfoy, and their unrelenting rivalry and tendency to go to any lengths to embarrass the opposition. Lily laughed, and then they both began complaining about bullies. They walked to classes and meals together, and Remus was actually begging to settle in.

The first full moon of Hogwarts pulled off without a hitch, Remus using his fatigue beforehand as a convenient foreshadowing to his "flu" that he told Lily about the day after. She frowned sympathetically, but then James came over and stole her attention. Even in the month they had been at Hogwarts, James and Sirius had quickly become by far the most desired and popular first years, even "I-don't-care-what-people-think-Lily" stopped and listened when James came to flirt with her.

"So Lily, you want to walk to class together?"

"Class doesn't start for twenty minutes, James," Lily said shyly, trying and failing to act mysterious and flirtatious. James shrugged and Lily, looking back helplessly at Remus, was lead away.

Mail came noisily as always and Gandalf (think Lord of the Rings), his grey owl, dropped a scroll in his plate of eggs.

He opened it, his fingers fumbling, hoping it was from Todd, who had written regularly since his arrival.

It was from his parents.

Dear Remus,

Hello, dear, it's your mother. How are you? I'm sorry to say I write you with bad news.

"I'm not sure if you suspected or not, but moods have been tense between your father and I lately. So, we have decided to divorce," he read aloud, his eyes blurring with tears. He threw the letter down at his place and ran out of the Great Hall.

At the professor's table, Dumbledore stood up, but McGonagall put her hand on his arm. "No, Albus."

At the Gryffindor table, Peter pulled on Sirius's sleeve.

"I see, you prat," Sirius said, pulling his arm away from Peter. His expression softened. "Hope no one at home died," he commented, then went back to his breakfast.

"Sirius…" Peter whined. "He's in our house, our year. We'll be living together for most of the next seven years, don't you think we have to talk to him some time?"

"Well, technically not." Sirius supplied. "Are you done with those pancakes?"

Remus didn't know how he made it through the whole day without breaking down at some irregular point. He skived off of dinner, telling Lily he felt ill again, and went to bed. He occupied himself by doing homework until he heard the stampede that meant everyone was coming back to the tower, and he crawled into his bed, not wanting to talk to anyone, not even sneak down to see Lily.

It was eleven when he heard everyone come to bed. His curtains were drawn, even though he was well aware that all of the other boys in the room slept with theirs open.

Something about the darkness and the quiet made his mind wander. He couldn't believe it- his parents were spilt. He knew they weren't happy together, but why did they have to divorce? He felt betrayed.

A sob escaped him and he felt his eyes burning. He didn't want to cry, not then, not in front of his classmates, so he buried his face in his pillow like he did at home. His shoulders were shaking.

Peter crawled out of his covers, his ears pricking up. Sirius and James were already asleep, so, naturally, he woke them up.

"James," he whispered. "James!"

"What is it?" James said thickly, shoving on his glasses upside down.

"Remus is crying," Peter announced.

"Great. Bully for him," James said sleepily, taking off his glasses again, having given up. "Go tell Sirius. I'm sleeping."

Anyone but Peter would have been able to tell that James one 1) joking and 2) partially delirious, but Peter took him literally and woke Sirius up.

"Sirius, wake up. Something's wrong with Remus."

"What? Go to bed, Peter."

"Fine, then." Peter said. He obviously was going to have no support.

He pulled Remus's curtains opens. He was lying onto the bed, crying into his pillow and Peter felt a sudden pang of sympathy. It had something to do with the letter that morning. He put his hand on Remus's shoulder. "Remus? Is everything okay?" This was not the way he planned to introduce himself to Remus.

"Go away," Remus said shakily.

Stand up, Peter. Stand up. "No. I want to know what's bothering you."

Remus sat up, frowning and wiping his eyes. "None of your business, that's what."

"Oh, c'mon," Peter said. "We'll be together for the next seven years, the least thing you can do is not hate me."

"If you must know," Remus said loudly, quite annoyed. "My mum wrote me this morning."

"Oh," Sirius said, popping up from behind the curtains. "Widdle Wemus is a widdle homesick?" He and James couldn't get back to sleep, they we both coming over and sitting on the bed as well.

"Not that you care," Remus said bitterly, directing his commented pointedly at Peter. "My father and she have divorced." He lay back down and covered his head. "Now go away."

Sirius winced. "Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, Remus. I didn't know."

"Now you do. Leave me be."

"Oh, c'mon, we're not that horrible," James said coaxingly. Remus snorted.

"Go on," Peter said. "You're stuck with us, and we with you, unless you want a Transfer to Slytherin or something."

"Honestly, what do you have against us?" James asked.

"What did you have against Severus that day on the train?" He pointed above his head. "You know, the freakazoid?"

James looked bewildered monetarily, but then he and Sirius both laughed and Peter blushed.

"You mean Snape," Sirius supplied. "We didn't start anything, he was the one who did. He was teasing and hexing Peter here within an inch of his life. Not our fault if he can't take a little backlash." He started laughing again.

"Oh," Remus said quietly.

James got his laughing under control and wiped his eyes, gasping for air. "Is that why you didn't want to talk to us?"

Remus began to say yes, but then started, "I didn't want to talk to you? I thought it was the other way around."

"Hell no," Sirius said. "James and Lily were talking, and she said you rather disliked us."

Remus blushed. "I felt sorry for Severus."

"Great git that he is. Just cos we can't all be pure-bloods like him… so, are we reconciled?" Sirius asked, holding out his hand.

"Yeah, okay," Remus said happily, shaking it.

"And we're really sorry about your parents," Peter said quietly. "My father left Mum and me when I was four."

"Oh, wow," Remus said quietly. Sirius and James stared.

"We didn't even know that, Peter!" James said loudly.

"Anything else anyone would like to share?" Sirius asked roguishly.

"Nothing here," James said.

"Nope," Peter said.

"Same here," Remus said.

"Okay, well, goodnight, all," Sirius said. Remus smiled and decided to sleep with the curtains open that night. That way, he could hear the gossip that the other boys shared every night.