Note: Back by (un)popular demand it's the one and only Donkey's Greatest Prank. This was written by me and uploaded somewhere around 2011 or 2012 back in my trollfic writing days as Richie Wraggs.
In 2013 I erased all of my stories because it came to point where I stopped finding this shit funny and decided to erase all trace of my presence on , but since Shrek has been extremely relevant since I took this "masterpiece" down, I always wondered what the new generation would think of this?
Now without further ado, Donkey's Greatest Prank in it's complete and (un)purest form, minus the story's intro because it was shit.
One day at Shrek's house in the middle of his swamp, Fiona put her kids to bed while Shrek was getting ready for the planned sexy time with his wife by putting viagra pills in a coloured bottle of gin and tonic but he needed a piss before he can drink it. Shrek went outside for a slash, unknowing that Donkey was looking over the window with binoculars like the peeping Tom he is and sees an oppertunity pull an amazing prank so he ran up to the window and jumped through it. Once in the house he got a used coloured gin and tonic bottle similar to the other one and put laxatives, prumes, grapefruit and the hottest chillis ever grown into a blender and made an exploding dihorrea inducing smoothie. Donkey then puts the smoothie into the empty bottle and downeys the other bottle giving Donkey a hard-on the size of an ironing board. Fiona walks outside the kids room and spots Donkey.
"Donkey?" She asked in shock. "What are you doing here? Where's Shrek?"
"Shek walked out on you." Lied the horny lying fuck. "I came here to support you in your time of need."
Fiona started to weep. "That fucking bastard! He said our sex life was on the rocks after we had the kids but was that reason enough to walk out on me just like that?"
"Don't cry fiona!" Donkey said. "I make you feel better!"
Fiona stopped crying a walked into the bedroom with Donkey and closed the door. Shrek re-entered the house immediately after and heard his wife gasping and panting. Shrek thought she was just playing with herself so he was all, oh well then he walks over to the kitchen surface a chugs the gin and tonic bottle. The he heard his wife shout "Fuck my basking shark jaw sized pussy harder with your ironing board sized cock!" Shrek became suspicous. "That cannae be right!" He thought. "Me 'og's pudding is larger than an ironing board! It's more like the size of a double decker bus when full errect!" But suddenly shrek felt an odd liquid dripping down his legs. Shrek realized what it was and screamed "Oh shite!" Then he suddenly lost all control of his bowls and brown mustard blasted out of his anus in a fantastic torrent of ass vomit.
Meanwhile in the bedroom Fiona popped out under the quilt. "What was that?" She asked. "Nothing, now continue re-enacting 2 girls 1 cup!" Said Donkey and they went back under the covers for more sex.
Shrek ran out of the house and all the noise woke up his children. They sneaked out of their room to investigate and found the trail of liquidized fecal matter all over the floor left by their father then they heard their mother screaming.
In Shrek's bedroom, Fiona was lying lifeless on a bed with a shocked esspression left on her face.
"Oh shit, oh shit, ohshit!" Paniced Donkey. "What have I done! I knew I shouldn't of made her re-enact the Goatse guy bottle video although the video turns me into a rather randy fellow..." Donkey tries to remove the evidence by taking out the broken bottle from deep within her bowls that shattered in her intestines ripping it to pieces. But then Shrek's kids entered the room and saw their dead mother and Donkey holding a bloody shit covered broken bottle in his mouth. "What did you do to mommy?" Said one in a very depressed tone. "Uh, Mommy's just sleeping, come on I'll take you all back to bed." Donkey guided the spooked out kids back in their room and tucked them into bed. When they were asleep Donkey stabbed them all to death in a frenzy which the broken bottle.
"Oh god! I slaughtered them!" Donkey paniced. "Why? Why!"
Donkey ran out of the house as fast as he could because if he stayed in the house he'll be so fucked. When he got outside he saw shrek shitting all over the place. Donkey stopped dead in his tracks because the sight of Shrek shitting an ocean of dihorea made him ROFL.
"Donkey, what the fuck are yoo doing in me swamp? Aye the fuckin' noo!" Asked Shrek.
"I-I-I-I was just passing by." Donkey replied.
Shrek had then noticed Donkey still had a hard on. "Wait a moment!" Shrek thought to himself. "His stiffy is the size of an ironing board! Where did I hear this before?" Then he remembered what his wife said when she was suppossedly masturbating and made the shocking realisation.
"Donkey!" Shrek shouted. "Yoo been shaggin' me lass!"
"Shrek!" Replied Donkey. "It's not what you think!"
Shrek wasn't having this and grabbed Donkey by the tail and swung Donkey around into a tree breaking his jaw. Shrek took off his trousers then he threw Donkey's back on the floor and teabagged him with his enormous planet sized testicles. Then Shrek forced his fat wang in Donkey's gob and pissed inside of his mouth. Donkey broke free and spat the urine out. Shrek then grabbed Donkey's ear and pulled it next his lips. "Now Donkey, there were a wee bit o' spunk in my pee and we ogres donnae take kindly to people who donnae swallow!" Said the ogre totally hell bent on revenge. Then he grabs Donkey's hind legs and stamps on his gonads and pulls on his legs until they tore right off his hips. Donkey was absoloutly screeming his head off. "Remember when I said ogres are like onions? Well we're like lemons, too!" Shrek said while picking a lemon from a nearby tree and ripping it clean in half. "They're both gonnae sting the shite outta ya!" Shrek pushed the halves on Donkey's snapped thigh bones using them like orange juicers and made them spray lemon juice all over the massive sores. The pain was so unparallel Donkey screemed "Kill me now! I don't want to live another second!" "I havvae finished yet!" Said Shrek holding a rope in hand, the other grabbing Donkey's tail and drags him over to a tree and ties the rope to a high branch. Shrek ties the other end to Donkey's scrotum and hung him upside down from his ruptured testicles. Shrek walked away for a moment and came back with a hammer and some rusty nails. Shrek poked Donkey's head with one of the nails and hammered it straight through his skull and into the pain receptor of his brain. Donkey tries to scream again but he was out of breath from screaming from the earlier torture. Shrek hammered more and more nails in until Donkey died from having all the blood rushed into his head.
"Cheeky wee bastard!" Said Shrek as he untied the knot on the branch. Donkey's corpse dropped from the tree when it was untied, Shrek dragged it to the well and threw it down the well so it could never be found.
Shrek marched into his home. After he shut the front door and scream was heard and a calapsing sound soon followed.
Epilogue
Shrek was found dead in his home three days later as he died of shock from seeing his entire family dead. A year later Shrek's swamp was completely deforested to make room for a new mansion for Jeremy Clarkson.
The end.