I based this fic on me and a male friend playing footsies under the table, sending emails to one another to try annoy the other more, whilst in a rather boring chemistry lesson, and as you'll gather, we got caught. I thought it was funny, so I just put primeval characters in place of us and added a different subject matter (my mate was talking about crisps (don't ask) rather then what Claudia and Nick talk about).
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: My funeral arrangements
Miss Brown,
May I point out that if I am not going to die from some horribly large dinosaur, then I will certainly die from boredom. This email is to get your own opinion on what kind and colour of flower I should have on my grave. Red roses or white lilies?
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: My funeral arrangements
Professor,
May I remind you that if you are going to clutter my work email inbox with useless comments on the aspect of this meeting, I will have to arrange your funeral arrangements, but you wouldn't have died from boredom. If you are going to continue this useless string of emails, send them to my non-work email.
PS, white lilies.
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: My funeral arrangements
Forget formalities,
"Useless comments on the aspect of this meeting" why so formal? If I remember correctly, the first time we met there was more of an…informal greeting.
Those aside, are you implying you'd be the reason for my death? If so, I suggest death caused by sexual exhaustion.
BTW, what is your normal email?
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: My funeral arrangements
Cutter, I doubt I could kill you by sleeping with you. Don't be so cocky. And the reference to our first "meeting" in my defence, I was being chatted up by a sleaze bag, I thought company with a more…entertaining man was appropriate. Besides, I needed a scientist's opinion.
And if you think I am going to give you my normal email after your sexual remark, think again.
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject RE: My funeral arrangements.
Claudia,
One look from you and I could go weak at the knees, and I hate to be forward but if – and only if – I slept with you, it might be possible to die.
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: My funeral arrangements
ClaudiaJane and then the rest of the rubbish you type on the end for aol, I think I'm one of your contacts already.
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: My funeral arrangements
What's this, have you given in already?
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: My funeral arrangements
Not as such, but if you are going to make more…explicit references, I suggest that email.
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: My funeral arrangements
You're not going to read and reply are you?
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: My funeral arrangements
No.
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: My funeral arrangements
I know what you're going to do.
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: My funeral arrangements
What?
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: My funeral arrangements
You're going to go home tonight and read through them.
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: My funeral arrangements
You are dead beyond belief Nick.
To: ClaudiaJane
From: NCutter
Subject: Explicit content
One question, why aol? Why not msn or yahoo?
To: NCutter
From: ClaudiaJane
Subject: Not really explicit
No idea, I like aol better I suppose. Bug me all you like on this email.
To: ClaudiaJane
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: Not really explicit
I thought you said you wouldn't reply to my emails.
To: NCutter
From: ClaudiaJane
Subject: RE: Not really explicit
You're right.
To:ClaudiaJane
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: Not really explicit
So?
To: ClaudiaJane
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: Not really explicit
Claudia?
To: ClaudiaJane
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: Not really explicit
Claudia?
To: ClaudiaJane
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: Not really explicit
Okay, I get the picture. I'm going to bug you on you're work email if you don't reply.
To: ClaudiaJane
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: Not really explicit
…
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: Death by annoyance
I decided that you not replying to me isn't an option.
PS, Is it just me or has that really wrinkled guy been talking for an hour already?
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: Death by annoyance
One and a quarter actually.
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: Death by annoyance
Miss Brown,
I would like to avert my eyes but find it impossible, since your legs are the only things I can visually see, do you mind perhaps moving a little so I can focus more on what's being said? Rather then your…calves.
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: Death by annoyance
Nick, can I point out the fact my legs are underneath the table? And that your eyes shouldn't be looking under there in the first place. In addition to that, I'd like to add the fact that I can see you, and you're staring a little too much.
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: Death by annoyance
Claudia,
I am compelled to gaze at such long legs.
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: Death by annoyance
Flattery is not going to get you anywhere Nick. And would you stop that.
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: Death by annoyance
Flattery is going to get me somewhere…stop what?
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: Death by annoyance
Your foot is touching my leg.
PS, I hate to ask, but where will it get you?
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: Death by annoyance
My foot is where it should be.
PS, Your bedroom, where I should be.
To: CBrown & NCutter
From: JPLester
Subject: Footsies.
You are both aware – or should be by now – that I can see you and your game of "footsies" under the table. Cutter, I would appreciate it if you waited until after the meeting to "fondle" Miss Brown. I've also noted the two of you are taking a lot more notes then everyone else – which is impossible, since you, Cutter, never listen and Miss Brown usually ends up half asleep, or investigating how much it would cost to refurbish her toilet.
PS, try to look like you're paying attention.
To: CBrown
From: LizardGirl
Subject: Unknown
Is it just me or is that guy going on and on about staplers?
To: LizardGirl
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: Unknown
It's just you Abby; he's talking about recycling paper to help the environment.
To: CBrown
From: LizardGirl
Subject: RE: Unknown
Thanks for the clarification (don't understand why we got drag to this)…what is Nick doing?
To: LizardGirl
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: Unknown
I have absolutely no idea.
PS, our department was spending over budget, that's why we're here.
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: WTF!?!
Where the hell are you trying to put your foot!?!
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: WTF!?!
I'm sorry, is that I bit to high up for you?
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: WTF!?!
Yes! Abby's noticed.
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: WTF!?!
Oh shit, sorry…has he really finished now?
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: WTF!?!
Yes, just about, my office, 10 minutes no questions.
To: CBrown
From: NCutter
Subject: RE: WTF!?!
I misjudged you Claudia Brown.
To: NCutter
From: CBrown
Subject: RE: WTF!?!
Haha. 10 minutes.
Please review,
GPR