He remembers the endless games he once played with River, the struggle it was to keep up with her endless flow of ideas and elaborations. Five minutes could be a lifetime of adventure, with her leading the way - and so often, it was she who led, in spirit if not in name. River loved life, and life, like her namesake, flowed through her; clear, mighty, and seemingly unstoppable.
Now, as she wanders this battered old ship, he wonders how River was dammed.
Sometimes she seems almost normal; the sound of laughter as she and Kaylee chase each other endlessly through the ship is like balm to his soul, and her affectionate moments - even her occasional teasing - towards the rest of the crew are slowly but surely endearing her to them. There is hope for her, he knows it, and as he sits and watches her playing, he feels a surge of pride that he gave her this chance.
But then the other times move in, the clouds, when he can barely get two words out of her; when she grows violent or frightened, and he has to try to find the words that will turn off whatever switch has been pressed in her brain; when the crew gets worried and angry because she's putting them at risk again.
He knows it, he knows they have every right to be afraid and he shouldn't get angry... but he can't help it. Once he had a future; he had a career, wealth, talent, security, and he thought that was all he wanted.
Now he has what money comes his way from the jobs Mal takes, and what security an old transport vessel and its crew - a ragtag bunch of petty criminals and misfits, not that he can exclude himself from that description - can offer. His talent - well, his talent doesn't go away. In fact, it gets plenty of exercise patching up the others, when he's not trying to figure out anything else that might help River.
It's frustrating, knowing that what he left behind could have made things so much easier for him, and yet the others treat him as though he's at fault.
And somehow, this life seems better than what he left behind. There's no need for the rigid politeness, the expectations that kept growing every time he met them... or the fear that something hideous is happening to the person who's been the centre of his world since the day she was born.
Everything he wants is right here.