Hamlet Abridged- Episode 5: You Can (Not) Avenge
Characters-
Hamlet: His memory will carry on.
Horatio: He's gonna make you cry.
Claudius: The king of nothing.
Gertrude: Literally 2 lines.
Laertes: Ci vediamo.
Gravedigger: Also known as "you there"
Fortinbras: Really should've shown up sooner.
(Hamlet and Horatio walking through a graveyard)
Hamlet: Ah, nothing more peaceful than a little stroll through a graveyard.
Horatio: So, out of all the places you like to walk, a graveyard is one of them?
Hamlet: Of course, my simple minded and sexy as hell friend. It's always nice to see that someone is having a worse life then we are.
Horatio: Wait, did you just say I was se-
Hamlet: You there, gravedigger, who's that in the ground?
Gravedigger: I don't know this guys name, bro. I just get payed to put people in the ground.
Hamlet: Hmm, well how much would it be worth to bury you? I can see the headlines: "Fuckable prince kills an asshole".
Gravedigger: You're being kind of a dick, man
Hamlet: You have no idea.
Gravedigger: Look, aparently his name is Yorick or something.
Hamlet: Ha! Sucks to be- Wait, Yorick?
Gravedigger: Yeah, it almost sounds like "you're a dick".
Hamlet: Hand that over!
(Hamlet grabs the skull from the gravedigger)
Horatio: Wait, did you know this guy?
Hamlet: Yeah, he was a comedian when I was a kid. I fucking loved this guy. I mean, not like I love you, but in a more distant sense.
Horatio: Wha-
Hamlet: You there, how did he die?
Gravedigger: I have a name.
Hamlet: What?
Gravedigger: You just keeps calling me "you there", my name is-
Hamlet: Shut up, you there, I'm trying to say something quotable. Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well. How'd he die?
Gravedigger: AIDS
Hamlet: (drops skull in disgust) Ew, ew, ew.
Gravedigger: So are you done defiling this guy's grave?
Hamlet: Ah, yes, aplologies. Goodbye, you there.
Gravedigger: Later, asshole.
Hamlet: Actually, it's Hamlet
Gravedigger: No, no it isn't.
Hamlet: Horatio? Do you think that will ever happen to me?
Horatio: AIDS?
Hamlet: No, I meant dying and being forgotten. I mean, years from now, will someone just walk by and pick up my skull and be like, "oh, this is the guy that killed the king, take my picture with it"?
Horatio: Of course not.
Hamlet: How can you be so sure?
Horatio: You seriously think I'd forget my best friend?
Hamlet: And who's to say you won't! I'm a fucking potato among advacadoes!
Horatio: So what! Potatoes are reliable, they don't bullshit you, and they were always there! So if you're gonna be a potato, then I think you're the best godamn potato I've ever met.
Hamlet: (daintly) Horatio, I-I don't know what to say. You see, I've always-
Gravedigger: Actually you can use advacadoes to make gaucamole, which is quite delicious.
Hamlet: Godamnit, you there!
Gravedigger: My name is-
(overhears crying)
Hamlet: Wait, do you hear that?
Horatio: Yeah, we should probably investigate
Hamlet: Why?
Horatio: Hmm, yeah, good point
Gravedigger: Please just fucking leave!
Hamlet: Sheesh, ok, you there.
(exit Hamlet and Horatio)
Gravedigger: Dig graves they said. It's easy they said.
(Hamlet and Horatio enter a funeral with Laertes, Gertrude, Claudius, and others)
Pastor: Ashes to ashes and bitches to bitches. Thou art said unto thee, "to carry on, we'll carry on, and though you're dead and gone, your memory will carry on".
Hamlet: Ooh, I love this song. Horatio, I want this to play when I die.
Laertes: (notices Hamlet, and is filled with non-Italian rage) You motherfucker!
Hamlet: Hey, I only fuck Horatio! In my dreams!
(Hamlet and Laertes fight before the attendants drag them apart)
Hamlet: What's the big idea, Pizza Pie?
Laertes: My sister is dead because of you!
Hamlet: Wait, Ophelia's dead? Shit, now the only female character in this play is Gertrude
Gertrude: Heyo
Caludius: Enough! We'll settle this like all matters in the 16th century, though bullshit contests rather than an actual court of law. Through a sword fight!
Laertes: Without any poison
Hamlet: What?
Laertes: What?
Hamlet: Why did you specify that there wouldn't be poison?
Laertes: (speaking with a Italian accent) What-a do you-a mean?
Hamlet: And that! Do you just turn the Italian off?
Laertes: I-a don't know-a what you-a mean-a.
Hamlet: Ugh, somebody kill me
Laertes: (turns off the Italian) Soon enough
Hamlet: What?
Laertes: (Italian accent) Pasta power!
(main hall with Hamlet, Horatio, Claudius, Laertes, and Gertrude)
Hamlet: (draws sword) Alright, let's do this. But I think this battle could use a little more flair.
Laertes: (no accent) Yes, that's why we'll be fighting to a Katy Perry song.
Hamlet: Why to Katy Perry?
Laertes: Why not?
Hamlet: Fair enough
Laertes: (draws sword and begins singing Dark Horse by Katy Perry) Yeah, y'all know what it is. Prince Hamlet. Laertes. Let's rave.
Hamlet: (singing and fighting) I knew you were, you were gonna come for me (slashes Laertes)
Laertes: And here you are, but you better choose carefully
(Claudius puts poison in Hamlet's cup)
Hamlet: Cause I'm capable of anything and everything
Laertes: Make me your Aphrodite
Hamlet: (slaches Laertes) Make me you're one and only, but don't make me your enemy
Hamlet: Your enemy
Laertes: Your enemy (slashes Hamlet) so you wanna play with magic? Boy, you should know what you're falling for
Hamlet: Baby, do you dare to this?
Hamlet and Laertes: (continue fighting as Hamlet lands blows on Laertes) Cause I'm coming at you like a dark horse!
Gertrude: (picks up cup) Shots, bitches! (drinks)
Claudius: {inner monologue: Shit on my balls! I probably should've said something}
Laertes: (stagging while fighting) Are you ready for, ready for. A perfect storm, perfect storm. Cause once you're mine, once you're mine-
Hamlet: (deals finishing blow) There's no going back (stops singing) Aw, crap you're all bloody. Someone grab a doctor! Also my arm is sizzling-wait my arm is sizzling...Laertes?
Laertes: (coughs blood) Yeah?
Hamlet: Why is my arm sizziling?
(Gertrude falls over dead)
Hamlet:...and what happened to her?
Laertes: I'm sorry, Hamlet. I was so bent on revenge...
Hamlet: What are you on about? Shit! This really hurts, and it sound like Rice Crispies-
(flashback of Hamlet 1st meeting with the ghost)
Ghost: It sounded like Rice Crispies
(cuts back)
Hamlet: (turns to Claudius and begins advancing towards him)
Claudius: Now Hamlet, I know you're crossed. J-just listen for a sec! Everything I did was to protect you! Except the bit where I tried to kill you. Twice.
(Hamlet continues advancing)
Claudius: H-hey, c'mon now. Look, just, say something won't y-(is stabbed by Hamlet)
Hamlet: Eat shit
(Claudius falls over dead)
(Horatio kneels near Laertes)
Hamlet: Hey, Laertes?
Laertes: Yeah?
Hamlet: Sorry about all this. Your sister and dad and all that.
Laertes: It's cool. I guess everything is about even right now. Hamlet?
Hamlet: Yeah?
Laertes: I'm not Italian
Hamlet: I know, man
Laertes: (coughs blood) Arrivederci amici (dies)
(Hamlet falls over)
Hamlet: Oh, shit, dying now.
(Horatio kneels over Hamlet)
Horatio: Hamlet!
Hamlet: Hey, bro (coughs blood) been a crazy few days hasn't it?
Horatio: (crying) yeah, it has
Hamlet: Hey, Horatio?
Horatio: Yes?
Hamlet: There's something you should know..
Horatio: Yeah, what is it, man?
Hamlet:...nothing. Hey, could you do me a solid.
Horatio: Anything
Hamlet: Remember what I said earlier?
Horatio: About being a potato?
Hamlet: Well, no, I meant during Ophelia's funeral
Horatio: Oh, sure, man (begins singing Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance while crying) To carry on, we'll carry on, and though you're dead an gone beleive me you're memory will carry on. We'll carry on and though you're broken and defeated- (Hamlet kisses Horatio)
Hamlet: Your weary widow marches...(dies)
Horatio: (remembers Hamlet while sobbing) Damnit...
(enter Fortinbras and his army)
Fortinbras: What up motherfuckers! Fortinbras is here to-(notices the bodies) what the shit happened here?
Horatio: (darkly) I'll tell you what happened. The prince is dead. MY prince...is dead.
The End
Full Cast-
Hamlet: Prince of Denmark.
Claudius: King of Denmark and uncle to Hamlet.
Ghost/King Hamlet: Hamlet's dead father and original king.
Polonius: Advisor for Claudius.
Opehlia: Daughter of Polonius.
Laertes: Son of Polonius.
Gertrude: Hamlet's mother and queen of Denmark.
Horatio: Hamlet's closest friend.
Marcellus: Guard and friend of Hamlet.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Agents for Claudius.
Fortinbras: King of Norway.
Songs used-
Syx- I'm Sailing Away (Episode 2)
Bubba Sparx- New Booty (episode 2)
The Rocky Horror Picture Show- Time Warp (episode 2)
Different Strokes Theme (episode 3)
Noming on Polonius {parody of Bob Dylan- Knocking on Heaven's Door (episode 3)}
Backstreet Boys- Rock Your Body (episode 4)
Fresh Prince of Denmark {parody of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Theme (episode 4)}
Invade Denmark {parody of Thrift Shop by Macklemore (episode 4)}
Run DMC- It's Tricky (episode 4)
DMX- Up In Here (episode 4)
Katy Perry- Dark Horse (episode 5)
My Chemical Romance- Welcome to the Black Parade (episode 5)
Hamlet Abridged (episodes 1-5) was written by Dylan Wilson under the account name TheMeatSticks