Farewell
I blinked away the tears that were filling my eyes as I watched people walk past me. For the past hour or two, I had watched as people made their way to the front of the church where a closed casket sat. A few of them paused to say hello to me, but I didn't feel like talking. To be honest, I wanted everyone to go away and leave me alone.
"Steve, have you seen Ponyboy?" Darry asked, he had been standing next to the casket, shaking hands and making small talk. Now, he was standing in front of me. He looks old and tired. Not how a twenty-two-year-old should look.
I shook my head. "No, but maybe he's outside smoking a cigarette."
"I'll go check," Darry said. "Oh, and thanks for being here, Steve. It really means a lot to Pony and me."
"Sure," I replied absently as I watched Darry head to the entrance of the church.
I continued to watch people go up to the casket. Girls, both greaser and soc, as well as middle class walked away crying and hugging each other. No one would have guessed that there had been any kind of social class rivalry. A few of them looked across the room at me, and for some reason, that only made them cry harder. Maybe they were remembering that I had been friends with him.
"Soda certainly had a lot of friends," Charles, my boss from the DX station said when he reached me. I had been standing in the same spot since I arrived.
"Yeah," I mumbled, wishing that he would continue to walk up to the casket. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. Fortunately, he started talking to his wife instead. Telling her stories about Soda and I heard my name mentioned too.
"I'm sure going to miss him."
I turned, startled to see Two-Bit standing next to me. For once, he wasn't smiling. Even his eyes held a sadness to them.
"I wish that was me in that casket," I admitted.
"Don't talk like that, Steve," Two-Bit said. "Neither of you should be in there."
"His brothers need him, Two-Bit," I replied. "I need him."
"We all need him," Two-Bit agreed.
"You know, I saw many guys get killed over in Vietnam," I told him. "But I never thought Soda would be one of them."
"Steve, you weren't with him," Two-Bit reminded me.
"I saw enough there to know what happened," I said. "You see it almost every day."
Two-Bit gave my arm a light squeeze before he walked away to go talk to Tim.
I sighed and turned back to a position where I could watch people go up to the casket. Ponyboy was standing a few feet away, trying unsuccessfully not to cry. He glanced over at me before quickly looking away. I realized for the first time that like me, he had been avoiding going up to the casket. He had only been gazing at it from across the room. I took a deep breath and stepped away from my spot against the wall.
"Hey," I said, not sure if I should even attempt to make small talk with Ponyboy.
Ponyboy looked at me and before I knew it, he had thrown his arms around me and was sobbing into my shoulder. I hugged him back, not knowing how to respond. The hug felt releasing somehow, even though the grief was still strong. It was the first time all week that I had seen Ponyboy break down like that, although I was sure he had spent plenty of time crying alone in his room.
"Why did it have to be Soda?" Ponyboy asked between sobs.
"I don't know," I told him. "I don't know why it had to be anybody."
"Darry chose to have the casket closed," Ponyboy said and I knew he was trying his best to have some sort of a conversation.
"That was probably a good decision," I replied.
Ponyboy looked towards the casket. "I never got to say good-bye."
"None of us did," I reminded him. "The service will be starting soon, do you want to go up to the casket with me?"
"I don't think I can," Ponyboy admitted, speaking my own feelings. "But if you go up with me, maybe it won't seem so bad."
The two of us made our way to the casket, passing by sobbing girls and whispering guys who had come to pay their last respects to our brother and friend. When we reach the casket, Ponyboy looked at it for a few seconds before sobbing again. I put my hand on his shoulder as I also started to cry. I didn't intend to cry there in front of a church full of people, it just happened.
Memories of my best friend started to flood my mind as I stare at the closed casket. It didn't seem right that we should be attending his funeral. Funerals were supposed to be for old people who had lived their lives, not an eighteen-year-old who was just starting to live his.
Darry joined us. "The service is about to start now. We should go sit down."
Before we went to the pew that was reserved for us, I watched as Ponyboy took an envelope out of his jacket and laid it on the casket.
"What was that?" I whispered to him.
"A birthday card," he said sadly. "I was going to mail it to him, but now I don't have to. He'll never have another birthday. Like Johnny and Dally, his life ended too soon."
Ponyboy's words hit me as we slid into the pew. He was right. Soda's life ended too soon and maybe that was why it was so hard to say good-bye.