Raymond: Haze

He sends them away — everyone, even Dembe — and it's good, it's for the best. He's an empty shell, with nothing inside but an endless well of terrifyingly aching loss and horror and sadness. He tries desperately to quiet his head and heart with the heavy fog of black nocturnes.

There's a crushing silence where love's a disease
Like a fever it grips me; Like a lover it holds

For a while, it works; he loses himself in dreams of two precious idols and sunshiney days. Happiness surrounds him, brushes up against him in the touch of her hand, the flutter of her dress, the magic of innocent laughter.

But somehow, even at the height of his stupor, the shadows cling to him, demanding; keep him drifting outside their bright circle, alone.

Scared of getting older; Scared of dying alone
I'm in a blue haze.

Deprived of even the slight solace of oblivion, he knows what he must do — he has to go back, back to the the beginning so he can try again. The lengthy drive is bothersome only for the way it allows his thoughts to roam free…

If only he could stop seeing her still, pale face; could rid his cheek of the feel of her cold, limp fingers pressed into his skin.

If only he could keep the memory of that last touch forever.

He sits, conflicted, miserable, staring at the water as it laps at the shore, beckoning.

I'm carried on the back of a wave of gloom
I'm told I'll see the shore again soon
I'm in a blue haze.

It doesn't work. There's nothing here, no closure, no redemption, no clean ending. Nothing but memories and futility and the tempting tendrils of his own madness. The noise in his head is getting too loud, the pain in his chest too great to bear.

He fully comprehends, now, what it means to die of a broken heart.

So he seeks the very last bastion, one last task, the only place he knows of that holds a torment equal to his own. Not for sympathy, no, gods no, there can be none — just a vague hope that maybe, with a partner to wrestle, his head will quiet, even for just a moment.

Just one moment.

I'm living in dark rooms; Playing at God
Staring at blank walls; Pretending I'm not
In a blue haze.

Against the odds, certainly against his own will, he's dragged into the world again, finds a temporary shape for the tumultuous sea within.

Revenge isn't quite good enough, but it's something, something to carry him just a few steps further. He moves through the world like a bolt of lightning, striking where and when he will without particular care for the consequences, the tingle in his cheek driving him without mercy.

When Dembe tentatively mentions the business and the burning of bridges, he just laughs and assures the younger man that provisions have been made for his and his family's future. He sorrows, distantly, at the look this puts in the eye of his closest friend, but he has scant room for the living now.

Instead, he just burns, heedless and enraged, powerful and unrestrained, at last, at last, unrestrained. He lets the monster have its day, knowing that when it's finally done, then he can rest. Then, maybe, just maybe, he'll see her again.

I wanna be your lover; I wanna be your friend
I wish I could tell you I'd last till the end
I'm in a blue haze.
I wanna be a preacher; I wanna be a king
And now I know why everything is in
A blue haze.

He pays the woman no heed at first, her small familiar frame has no presence anymore, her words no consequence. But then, she says,

"Aren't you listening? Please, Raymond, it's all gone wrong. We need you. She needs you."

And he no longer knows what to feel, what shape the world is, shifting under his feet.

A/N: Lyrics from "Haze" by Amber Run. Check it out, because it's mag.