Summary: Oneshot. Relena's inner monologe where Relena acknowledges what people see her as, who she truly is and the real reasons behind her actions. Not great at summaries, please read.
This is just a oneshot that jumped into my head one day and demanded to be written. Let me know what you think. If that was to subtle, REVIEW! pretty, pretty please (puppy eyes).
Don't own anything, not even the computer I typed this one. sigh
STUPID PEDESTAL!
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You all look at me as if I'm no longer human. That somehow since the Wars I've risen above humanity and make no mistakes, have no needs, need no one. I'm constantly portrayed, in both my personal and public life and shockingly even the media, as some angel. It's rather ironic how much this image which has engulfed my entire life was something I once wanted to be portrayed as when I was younger. What a silly thing I was. . . still am.
Angels, are they not suppose to be innocent? Have nothing to be regretful of? Be selfless, pure? I am none of this things. I've seen to much at to young to be innocent. My regrets have never been heavier and my hands are just as stained by blood as the Gundamn pilots. Just because I didn't kill people myself doesn't make me any less guilty of their deaths. If anything they are more stained then the soldiers, I'm responsible for those who fought for me and those who fought against me. I sent them out, I was the reason...
Even now my hands still have fresh blood on them. The Perventers continue to go on missions that are required to protect the peace. Not all come back alive, the Perventers or the criminals.
And pure!? How can people look at me, know me and think that? I suppose that means no one truly knows me. Not my friends, the majority which are my bodyguards, and not my family. Of course they would never say such things to my face, but their eyes, how they act towards me, says it all. I'm either something to be protected or looked at with awe by them. Even Heero, the one who saw me as nothing but a selfish child, before my personal world and everything else came crashing down, allowed me to follow him around in the Wars. He now follows me around, true as a bodyguard but with a look of awe and determination. My my haven't our roles reversed.
DAMN IT! I don't want to be on a pedestal! Granted I also don't want to be considered as below Heero either... see I'm still silly and needy.
Rather sad really that the only ones that see me as human, and all the mistakes that come with humanity, want me dead. I guess that means the only ones who truly know me are my enemies. Sure they want to get rid of me, destroy everything I've ever achieved for their own selfish gains. They think I've made massive mistakes, they want power, they think they can do better than I can. See I understand them, just as they truely see me. As much as I think them selfish, I have to admit I too hold that trait and I'm much more stubborn than they are.
I'm selfish that I want, I need the peace to last. I need to know that humanity is something more than senseless brutality. I need to know I can create something and not destroy everything around me. I need this peace, so that others will not become like me, my family, my friends. I want this peace to save my friends...to save my family. They were all breaking from the weight of the all, the need for them to be brutal. I needed this peace for them. For without them I would be alone, I would be nothing, I would shatter no matter what else was occurring in the world.
The people see me give them all peace. See my dedication to keep it strong. See me, barely out of my teens, bare this weight on my shoulders. I know they see this as self-sacrificing, the ultimate unselfishness thus the reason for the angel depiction.
Only I know the truth. I don't give them peace, I give the peace to myself. Constantly holding onto it with my fingernails for my own selfish reasons. I need this peace so I can continue, so I won't be alone.
Yes, they've put me on this pedestal and keep their distance, but they haven't broken. I'll hold this peace together with my teeth and nails. For I'm selfish, peace in the end is the means to get what I ultemiently want. When it is strong enough, will stand against any onslaught; I will get off my pedestal as ungracefully as possible, probably kick it and show them all I'm human too. And Heero...in his eyes there will be more than just awe and determination.