A/N: Ok well, this is something i wrote on a wim while partially drunk and am posting while being pretty drunk after a very interesting day...Either way this means there will be quite a few errors, i havent really spell checked it but this is something iwas thinkin about writing for a while. As such, its mostly gonna be Natsuki's thoughts and feelings, the first two chapter s at least will be all thoughts after that it will probably take more of a story form. Again, please send me messages on corrections and ill have them done cus this one will probably need it. Anyways before i sober up and my senses return here it is. And ya this will be kind of an emo thing, just a warning
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From an early age I always felt this emptiness inside. I do not remember when it began, whether it was after my mother died, after my father left or shortly after, all I know is that it had been there for as long as I can remember. It's like a hole in my chest that at times threatens to overtake me. My only real escape is when I fought, either fighting or when searching for information on my mother. I could lose myself in my mission or just in the actions of the fight, it was always so simple. In a fight there is just you and your enemy, and two options, win or lose, leaving no real room for deep thinking just quick action that helps clear the mind of all conscious thought for at least a short time. Fighting created the escape I needed to forget this hole.
I was always alone and in a way I was comfortable that way. It was safe, I hate sounding so cliché but it really was. Except for being left completely alone to my thoughts I found some comfort in not having to deal with people except when absolutely necessary. It was only later when Duran came to me that I found some level of companionship that I was truly comfortable with. It's funny that the "being" I felt most comfortable around was one that couldn't talk, couldn't ask anything of me, and really desired nothing from me. To tell you the truth, in the beginning, I was really just using him as a means to an end. He was the tool I used to get what I needed, to fight when I couldn't, to strengthen me when I needed it. It was only over a great period of time that I began to care at all for him, and even then, it was a very distant feeling.
My feelings toward my father are still unknown. I know I should hate him for abandoning me, for running off with another woman so shortly after my mother's death, but the truth is I feel nothing. Nothing. I know what I should feel, and I know what I "think" I feel at times, but the truth is that have no feeling toward the man negative or positive.
I have never really decided what my true feelings are for my mother. I know that at one point in time I really loved her but it all seems like a shadow of a dream now. I think my mission to avenge her was just an excuse for something to do so I could ignore my own emptiness. I lived my life trying to avenge hers in order to forget my own. It is so easy to lose your self in a cause, especially when you justify it by saying your doing the right thing, that it needs to be done, that you want it done. It is always easy to just lose your self in the vast ocean of vengeance, even if you don't really desire or understand it. You lose all need to feel anything, including hollowness. I know that I wish she were still here, that I want to see her face, and the emptiness in me burns when I think about her, but I cannot say that the feeling is sadness, just an intensified feeling of what I already feel.
In all my life there was only one "person" that I ever felt completely comfortable around. Shizuru. That damn girl barged her way into my life and settled like she belonged there. I am not going to go into my reasons for why I wanted to crush that flower, but when she stopped me it was like a window got blown open and cool air came rushing in. She really angered me at first, but unlike everyone else, she just kept pushing and pushing until finally she made her way in. We became friends. That's the best word I can think of, though I cannot say we were exceptionally close, but she was always there, willing to talk, and more than that, willing to listen. I think on of the reasons I felt so comfortable around her was because she really didn't seem to desire anything from me. I didn't feel any other ulterior motives behind her actions. I really think that's what it was that allowed me to get as close to her as I did. I felt safe with her.
Granted, the damn girl always teased me and made me feel very uncomfortable at times but, she just seemed so genuine. She really truly didn't want anything from me but what little of my self I gave. I found that when I was around her, that I was able to forget the emptiness inside me. No, it seemed to grow smaller when I was around her. Instead of the cold burning sensation that tugged at my chest most of the time, I was always filled with this soothing warmth when I was around her. I hate to admit it, but I really do like her surprise hugs despite how embarrassing they are. I feel the warmth all over, and a closeness that I have never experienced before. For those few seconds she is hugging me, I feel whole.
A/N: Also for those waiting on the chapter from Abanonment, im having a severe case of writers block on it, i have the skelton for the next chapter but am having problems fleshing it out, but hopefully ill have it posted soon
ssjx7squall