Title: Daddy's Girl: Sweet Dreams
Author: Kat Spencer
Summary: Jack muses over his daughter. Unapologetically J/S.
Jack O'Neill watched as the tiny girl slept. He watched as she breathed in and out. Her mouth was slightly open. Jack had never seen anything more beautiful.
Three weeks old today. Three down, nine hundred something to go. Jack sighed. He hadn't signed up for this. Well, not this per say.
He knew many months ago that he was going to be a dad again. He just never imagined he would have to do it alone. Josephine Grace O'Neill deserved her mother. Sam deserved Josephine. She deserved to be alive, watching their daughter sleep while standing at Jack's side.
Jack swallowed his emotions, checked the baby monitor in the nursery again, and made his way down the hallway. Even though he could hear her cries from down the hall without the monitors, he still checked the monitor in the bedroom two times before throwing the quilt and top sheet back on the bed.
He didn't lie down; instead he sat on the bed. He reached over and picked up a framed picture from his bedside table. It was taken two weeks before Joey was born; he and Sam had just finished their last Lamaze class. They were smiling with Daniel and Teal'c. They were having dinner at O'Malley's with Daniel, Teal'c, Cam, and Vala.
Jack sighed and outlined Sam's face in the picture. She was smiling big and bright. The glow of motherhood looked good on her. She loved being big and pregnant. She had a great pregnancy, it just ended wretchedly.
Sometimes he woke up in the middle of the night and wondered how he was going to do it all. A daughter was supposed to have her mother. Life wasn't fair to Sam and her mom, now life was even more unfair to Sam and Josephine. Sam never even got to hold their daughter.
Jack wiped away a stray tear. What the hell was happening with his life? He wished he knew. Jack put the picture down beside the one Daniel had taken the day that Josephine was born. The tiny girl was sleeping, unaware of the tragic loss from her life. From his life, from their life.
Jack turned off his beside lamp and lay down. The night usually left nothing to fill his mind but Sam. He had no laundry to do, no dishes to wash, no grass to mow, no tiny baby clothes to fold. He just had Sam to think about. He hated the night. Between his thoughts and Josephine's cries, he got few, precious hours of sleep.
It wasn't supposed to happen like this. They were supposed to share the responsibilities of getting up in the middle of the night. They were supposed to teach her how to walk together, encouraging her while she waddled between them. She was supposed to swing between them as they took her to her first day of kindergarten. So many things that they dreamed of doing together he would now have to do alone.
It wasn't fair, but he'd learned long ago that life was anything but fair. They were never meant to live happily ever after. They were always meant to say goodbye. He had told her 'always'. What a cruel twist of fate.
It wasn't a Goa'uld that had taken his wife, or some entity that had possessed her body. It wasn't an enemy on another planet or in another galaxy. It was something no one could have predicted or prevented.
Until the day Jack died he guessed he would never forget the absolute horror he felt when he saw Dr. Boseman's face. She looked different that early July morning in the labor and delivery waiting room. Right now the room was occupied by Jack, Daniel, Teal'c, and Cassie. The doctor's usually friendly face was firm and set. As if she were about to give him horrible news. She seemed exhausted. Jack braced himself.
"How is she?" Jack asked. He was afraid to know the answer. Something had happened near the end of the pregnancy. It had resulted in Jack's physical removal from the delivery room and an emergency c-section for Sam.
"Jack--I am so sorry to tell you this," she began, her face void of emotion. Her eyes held everything, though. "We believe that Sam suffered from an amniotic fluid embolism."
The doctor was talking and Jack was trying desperately to listen, to understand. He felt a void take hold of his heart, threatening to never let go. He tried to focus. The doctor went on, her voice filtering in and out, "amniotic fluid entered Sam's blood stream…a cardio-respiratory collapse…there was no way we could have predicted this…we had to perform the c-section swiftly, it was the only thing that could have saved them both…the baby is fine, she's in the nursery…but Sam…nothing that we could do, I am so sorry for your loss, Jack."
The abyss surrounded him. "No…no, no, NO!" It clawed at his heart, trying to suffocate him, drown him, and strangle him all at the same time. Sam. Sam was gone. That couldn't be right, could it? Certainly the doctor was wrong.
"It's so very rare-once the amniotic fluid entered…suffered from cardiac arrest…respiratory collapse...again, I am so sorry. I wish I could have saved her." Jack heard her voice tremble. He couldn't do this.
"Jack-" Cassie started out. The young girl hugged him and he held her tightly. She began to cry. Jack felt her sobs, but the pounding of his own heart filled his ears. Tears filled Jack's eyes as he felt Cassie release him, Teal'c hugging her instead.
Daniel put his hands on Jack's shoulders. He was saying something, but Jack couldn't focus, the blood pounding in his ears was overbearing. Moments later Jack shrugged from his friend's grasp. The noise in the room was suddenly apparent. Cassie's sobs, Teal'c's comforting voice.
"I want to see her."
The doctor smiled softly. "Of course, Jack. She's sleeping right now in the nursery. Six pounds, nine ounces. I'll-"
"My wife. I would like to see my wife."
ooooooooo
"I had Sam moved to a private room," Dr. Boseman told him quietly ten minutes later, greeting an anxious Jack. Jack didn't look at the others as he followed the doctor out of the waiting room. He didn't want their pitied looks or words of comfort. He had to see for himself.
Jack pushed on the door the doctor had led him to; it was heavy. It was as if it were made of Naquadah. He closed his eyes as he was finally able to open the heavy door. He opened his eyes and his eyes focused on the form on the bed.
She was laying there, no wires, no monitors; she looked as if she were sleeping. He'd seen her in that state hundreds of times over the years. He wished she were only sleeping. Her hair fanned out on the pillow. However, Sam never slept on her back. It was on her stomach, and more recently on her side. Her legs sprawled out, one arm around Jack and one under her pillow.
It was all wrong. It wasn't right. None of this. They were supposed to be laughing and fawning over their daughter. She was supposed to be holding her. Jack touched her hair; he let it fall through his fingers.
She didn't move. There was no coming back from this, was there? She didn't wake and magically say his name. As much as he willed her to wake up, begged her to wake, she was gone.
Forever. His wife, his second chance at happiness, his love, his always, was gone.
His wife was dead.
Jack knew that it was real, very real; the moment he took her hand he knew she wouldn't squeeze back. He let her hand go, he also released his tears. He let them come unhindered.
He didn't know how long he was in there with her before Teal'c, Daniel, and Cassie came to say goodbye. He left them alone in the room and wandered the halls, making sure he stayed away from the newborn nursery. He didn't think he could look at the baby just yet.
Jack sighed as he sat down once more in the waiting room. An expectant father paced back and forth. Jack couldn't take his nervous happy face any longer. He felt the tug at his heart as he saw a sign for the newborn nursery. All he had to do was walk that way.
Could he hold her? Could he love her? He knew it wasn't fair, just as he was questioning himself. The baby was here and Sam wasn't. He knew he wasn't being fair to the new life they created, but when had life ever been fair to Jack O'Neill?
Jack took a deep breath. He tried to be the brave general. The general who could take on fleets of alien ships was the same one who could be undone by a six pound, nine ounce baby girl.
He knew he couldn't delay it any longer. He had to see her. They had something incredible in common. They were all the other had in this world as of seventy-four minutes ago. Jack found himself on auto-pilot as he made his way to the nursery.
Few babies were actually in the nursery. Penrose-St. Francis had many mom-baby rooms so the mothers could have their babies with them throughout their stay at the hospital. Sam had been excited about that part…
Jack swallowed his emotions as he smiled briefly at the nurse behind the glass. "Mr. O'Neill?" she asked.
"Yes…"
"Well, Josephine is right in here. She's a gorgeous baby. Would you like to meet your daughter?" The nurse looked hopeful. Jack glanced at her nametag.
Jack paused for a moment. He was scared. Don't do this, Jack…she needs you. You need her. "Yes, I would, Abby."
"Great, Mr. O'Neill, right this way."
"Actually, it's Jack."
"Okay, then, Jack. Right this way," she told him as she led him into the nursery. Both of them washed and sanitized their hands.
She instructed Jack to sit in a comfortable enough looking rocking chair. He waited nervously as she gently picked the baby up. "She's a good baby, hardly cries at all when she's awake."
"She's awake?" Jack asked.
"Oh, yeah, ready to meet your daddy, Josephine?" she asked quietly.
"It's been a while since I've done this…"
"Oh, well, it's just like riding a bike. Just remember to support her head," Abby told him as she gently placed the baby in Jack's arms.
He wondered how he could question loving her. Of course he could love her. He did love her. He knew he would love her forever, wanting to keep her safe…always. She was this little miracle. This tiny, beautiful baby was his future. Their wonderful and unforeseeable future lay inside this little girl.
He took a deep breath as he cuddled Josephine on his chest. "It's just you and me, Joey…the last time I had a baby like you I had someone to help me. I probably don't remember a lot, I probably never learned some of it. So, we will have to learn all of this together, okay? I don't think I'll be the best dad in the world, but I will be the very best dad that I can be. We'll be a team. The Jack and Joey team," Jack told her as he kissed her on the top of her tiny head.
Jack sighed as he let the memories flood his mind. Had it gotten easier without Sam over the past three weeks? No, it hadn't. It hadn't gotten worse, either. He was at a stalemate. The first week he had help with Josephine. With the funeral arrangements and caring for a newborn, Jack needed help. Cassie had stayed with him; Vala had even stayed a night or two. Daniel and Teal'c had stayed for the first two weeks.
The past week Jack had told them it was time to do this on his own. It was time for Team O'Neill to make it on their own. They were doing good. They were doing as well as to be expected. He still needed help, though. He needed someone to watch her if he had to go out to the grocery store or run any type of errand.
Some days he felt like locking himself away and wallowing in his misery. However, whenever he felt that icy grip around his heart, he would remind himself that his little girl needed him.
Jack covered himself with the sheet, ignoring Sam's side of the bed.
"Sweet dreams, Josephine," he whispered as he closed his eyes and willed sleep to take him.