based on this post: (jessaminelovelace on tumblr) post/129533644524/inkskinned-a-world-where-you-can-learn-your
basically i wrote those tags and then wanted to actually write the fic, so. have 10k words of me crying about staron. you're welcome
The fountain in the front yard is rusted out
All my love was down
In a frozen ground
- Bon Iver, Re: Stacks
"Aunt Peggy." A five year old Sharon Carter looks up from her current activity of turning all of her Barbie's dresses into military uniforms at her aunt, who is sitting with her Uncle Gabe and Aunt Angie on the couch. "What's a soulmate?" Sharon's been quiet for a while now, completely engrossed in her work, wanting to dress the new dolls Tony had gotten for her just like Aunt Peggy looked in all of her old pictures. Usually Sharon was talking to herself, or asking questions, or humming bits of songs that she's memorized, so the quiet had come as a sort of reprieve for her aging aunt.
Peggy smiles at her, sharing a look with Aunt Angie and Uncle Gabe. Uncle Gabe rubs Peggy's shoulder. Sharon feels like she's witnessing a special moment, even if they're just sitting there. She always feels like coming to Aunt Peggy's house is like going to Wonderland. There's so much magic here.
"Why do you ask, darling?" her aunt asks, and Sharon sits up, crossing her legs and folding her hands in her lap, like they taught her to do at school when she's supposed to be listening to something really hard.
"I heard Daddy say it to Mommy yesterday. What does it mean?"
"Well, I could tell you that you'll understand when you're older," Peggy starts, and Sharon pouts, "but that would be silly, wouldn't it?" Sharon nods her head vigorously, mood instantly shifted.
"A soulmate is… someone that the universe wants you to love forever. Someone that is meant to be in your life that will make you very happy."
Sharon furrows her eyebrows. "Is Tony my soulmate?" she asks, and everyone in the room laughs. She crosses her arms, confused. She loves Tony, and she wants him to be in her life forever and ever, so why isn't he her soulmate?
"I don't think so, sweetheart," Peggy tells her.
"God bless your poor heart if he is," Angie chimes in, and Peggy shoots her a warning look.
"Maybe it is something that you'll just have to figure out when you're older," Uncle Gabe tells her, and Sharon lets out a big sigh.
"That's dumb." She thinks for another minute.
"Do you think that when I meet my soulmate, I'll know?"
"Absolutely," Peggy tells her. "You'll know it the second you look into their eyes, and you'll feel it in your whole heart. But you don't have to worry about that just yet, darling. You have plenty of time."
Sharon takes out her phone to stare at the email for the hundredth time, even though she's memorized what it says by now. Room 304, Stark Hall (how ironic, honestly; Tony hadn't shut up about that one, which is why she didn't let him come drop her off this morning with Aunt Peggy and everyone else). Roommate: Morse, Barbara. She knows what the email says. Still, she can't help but feel a little nervous.
Everyone had been super supportive when she'd gotten her acceptance letter to the Academy, even her parents, which was surprising. They were mostly against the SHIELD family legacy thing, choosing to live far from both the Academy and Peggy, but her parents had still come to drop her off this morning. They hadn't even started a fight like they usually do during holidays and birthdays and such. It was nice to see everyone getting along for once, without her mom making snide remarks about Aunt Peggy and Angie's relationship, or the fact that soulmates were supposed to be rare, and that it was against the laws of nature that Peggy had two.
Amanda had actually been cordial, focusing all of her attention on Sharon — making sure she knew exactly where she was going and reviewing all the stuff she packed one last time.
Still, it feels slightly off for Sharon knowing that she's at the school that her own aunt helped to create. Peggy was the founder of SHIELD. Sharon can't help but think that people are going to judge her, make her feel like she's scraped by on her family name alone, even though she had worked incredibly hard to get in just like everyone else.
Aunt Peggy wasn't even allowed to see her application.
Sharon's so lost in her thoughts that she doesn't see the incredibly tall guy also making his way towards her building, and stumbles into him, falling backwards and flat on her ass. "Well," he says, teasing but smiling down at her, "that's one way to make an impression."
Sharon can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation, and gladly takes his hand when he offers it to help her up. "I'm Sharon," she says, forgoing her last name. She doesn't want to seem braggy to someone whose name she doesn't even know yet.
"Trip," he says, still smiling. "You headed to Stark Hall?"
"Yeah, you?"
"Mmm, no. I'm in the building right next to it, Carter Hall? It's for second years." Sharon's heart swoops into her stomach, but she tries to maintain an air of calm.
"Is it that easy to tell that I'm a freshman?" she asks with a pathetic laugh, and he shakes his head.
"Don't worry about it. That'll fade really quick. And think about it this way," he says, taking one of the many bags that she's been carrying from her and slinging it over his shoulder, "you've already made a friend."
It's hard moving away from home, and even further from New York and Peggy to go to the Academy in DC, but Sharon knows that it's worth it. She takes a deep breath before she opens the door to her room, rustling inside letting her know that her roommate is already there.
Trip helps her carry her stuff in, which she's infinitely grateful for, considering that she's just met him. She's on the third floor and there's no elevator, because clearly the universe hates her, and she's a little out of breath when she gets there. He doesn't complain, though, which strengthens her faith in the SHIELD Academy physical training regiment just a tad.
A tall blonde girl is unpacking her things when Sharon walks in with Trip, and turns around to give them both a warm smile. This is good, Sharon thinks to herself, she doesn't hate me yet.
"Hi," the girl says, "I'm Bobbi. And yes, it's a horrible name, but it's better than Barbara, so. You must be Sharon! I'm so excited to meet a—"
"Hey, yeah, it's great to meet you too!" Sharon blurts in response, cutting her off immediately and glancing quickly at Trip to make sure that he hadn't noticed her panic. "This is Trip, I ran in to him outside. Literally." Trip shakes Bobbi's hand, smoothly removing himself by telling them both that he needs to get to his own dorm, where he's apparently the RA. (Sharon has the feeling that smooth is sort of his thing, even though she hasonly known him for a few minutes.)
Bobbi doesn't say anything about Sharon's interruption while they both finish unpacking, which is a relief, but when both girls are done and it's awkwardly silent she bites her lip and then looks over at Sharon.
"So, about what just happened."
Sharon lets out a soft sigh, not really wanting to explain. It's like when celebrities tell people that everyone is beautiful, even though they're literally perfect specimens: no one ever really believes them. Sharon doesn't know how to tell Barbara that Aunt Peggy is just a normal person; that she doesn't run around with the CIA on a daily basis or get calls from the President. And she really has no idea how to explain the fact that she wants to keep her identity a secret, when she knows that most people wouldn't stop mentioning it if they had the chance.
"I never really used to mind my last name," she starts to explain, "because in public school only super nerdy people know about my Aunt Peggy. We mostly just focused on Captain America, you know? But I just don't want people to get the wrong idea of me here. I'm not a freeloader," she insists, and Bobbi shakes her head.
"I'll keep my mouth shut," she offers, and Sharon gives her an appreciative smile. "This can be your chance to start fresh." She pauses for a second. "Want to go find the dining hall?"
"Oh my god, yes please. I'm starving."
Bobbi grins widely at her.
Sharon loves SHEILD training, but then again, she always knew that she would. Peggy planned out the organization this way, to be tough but incredible for those who work hard, to ensure good and smart agents.
She may hate waking up in the morning to go on runs, and she really despises having to take classes that have nothing to do with becoming an operative, but she knows that the Academy was planned this way for a reason. They have to be well rounded, to be able to think with more than just their fists.
And Sharon's good at it. She's at the top of her class, she loves being a better shot than the male douchebags in her class (Peggy had taught her how to use a gun before she even finished middle school), and she likes knowing that she's definitely going to work for SHEILD Ops afterwards.
She has a goal in mind. Graduate, become the best SHEILD agent she can be, make Aunt Peggy proud. It's a perfectly attainable goal.
Plus she has Trip and Bobbi, and Tony comes to visit sometimes to make fun of her, which is just so typical of him. (She knows that he's proud of her though, regardless of how he acts. He's pretty transparent that way, when it comes to people he loves.) So it's not all bad. Mostly good.
Soulmates are the focus of constant background chatter at the Academy, as it is with most young people. Many of the students have paired off already, and if not, they at least know the name of theirs. An unlucky few have found empty files.
Sharon's known since high school, when they finally explained to her in detail about soulmates and how and where to acquire the information, that she was going to wait until after she graduated from the Academy to learn the name of hers.
The students at the Academy aren't really known for their patience, they're at that age, so it makes sense that most of them have been down to the offices to look up their soulmate files. They're bold and rash and sometimes think with their hearts instead of their heads. That's what the Academy is supposed to teach against, although not completely remove. SHIELD agents need to think logically, need to calculate every move before it happens.
Sharon feels sort of left out compared to the others, even though she's made her choice and she's sticking by it. It's not that she doesn't want to know, because she does. But it seems so important to her that she doesn't rush, that she takes her time and lives her life before it becomes so consumed by another person. She doesn't know why, but she feels it deep in the pit of her stomach: a soft voice telling her to wait, take her time, stick to the date she's set for herself.
Her parents passed away her freshman year of the Academy, and grief kept her from running to the nearest government office, among other reasons. She didn't want to drown her sorrows in another person. Or, god forbid, have even more pain to deal with in case something is weird with her file.
Sharon accidentally wanders into Science and Tech one day, feeling extra weepy and not feeling up to doing her assignments, and watches in astonishment as all the young geniuses run around, spouting numbers and yelling about atoms this, and pheromones that, all to try and figure out what having a soulmate actually means. Because no one knows, really.
Is it fate? Something else; something chemical, scientific? They certainly seem to think so.
She listens to some Irish (or maybe Scottish? she can't tell) guy arguing with a brunette girl, all hands and arms and gangly limbs, about cracking the genetic code or whatever it is they do here.
It makes her already burgeoning headache even worse, and she darts out of the lab as fast as possible, resolving to never set foot there again.
Science-y stuff was always more Tony's thing, anyway.
"Hey," Sharon nudges Trip's shoulder with the edge of her tray as she settles into the seat next to him in the caf. They have sushi, something decent for once, and it just figures that the Academy manages to shape up their food game when she's a frickin senior.
Trip merely nods in response, too busy devouring a piece of bread, and she quirks her lips at him.
"Should I leave you two alone?" she quips, causing him to roll his eyes. Bobbi slides in across from them, looking incredible even after a morning run of five miles, which Sharon had barely made out of alive, considering she'd been up late studying for a stupid calc exam the night before.
"I think he's just about finished," Bob says, flicking her blonde hair away from her shoulder as Trip swallows his last mouthful.
"What can I say, running makes me hungry. I need to carb load."
Sharon just rolls her eyes. Bobbi's quiet as she picks at her food, but Sharon knows this kind of Bobbi quiet. It's the "I have a huge secret and I'm waiting for the right moment to spill it" quiet.
"Spill, Bob," Sharon prompts, and Trip looks over at her with curiosity. He may be a male, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about gossip, especially when it comes from Bobbi. She usually has the best stuff, and training tends to get dull. Hours of shooting and running can really take their toll. They need something to distract them from graduation, from the future and all that it holds.
For Sharon, something even bigger than just working at SHEILD.
"Did you hear what happened to Amy?" she asks, dunking a California roll into too much soy sauce.
Sharon and Trip shake their heads. Obviously not, but they play into Bobbi's game anyway.
"She went home last weekend and found her soulmate, and it's fucking Branson. Like our Cov Ops professor, Branson."
"Rough," Sharon remarks, and Bobbi shakes her head, as if that's not all. She swallows her food, grabbing a napkin off of the table.
"He's married," she says, and Trip almost chokes on the slice of pizza that he's started to tear apart.
"Yikes." Sharon knows that sometimes people choose to fall in love the "normal" way, but she wonders why they even bother when it leads to problems like this. His wife must not have had a soulmate, or maybe didn't want to know, either, and so they got married.
And now poor Amy has to deal with tearing apart a marriage. Because, let's face it, meeting your soulmate is a big deal. No one can really walk away from something like that once they find it.
"Tell me about it."
Sharon's first and only real relationship is at the Academy, and it's a disaster. She almost believes she's in love with the guy.
She lets him take her virginity in an empty classroom after a mission gone right, and she has no regrets about it at the time. His name is Rick (which, in retrospect, should've tipped her off from the beginning), and he's kind and gentle and doesn't ask for anything unless she tells him that she wants it first.
He buys her flowers and gives her pet names and they watch TV together in her dorm room, much to Bobbi's disgust.
And then he has to go and look at his file.
"Get out!" Sharon screams at him, throwing her lamp, the only thing she has in her vicinity that's heavy enough to do any damage. She knows that she's being dramatic, but she can't help it. She loved him. She loved him!
"Sharon, what do you want me to say? I thought it was going to be you! I wanted it to be you!"
"Why couldn't you just let it go? We could've been together!"
"My soulmate is important to me. I had to at least know." He looks at her apologetically, as if she's going to understand. Sharon suddenly thinks that she knows exactly what Steve must have felt like when Aunt Peggy had told him that she already had soulmates. There's nothing that can fix this kind of betrayal.
The universe deciding to wake up and invalidate your feelings is not something that a person can easily forget. It had made Sharon question everything she knew about how she felt. She couldn't trust herself anymore. Because what if she followed her heart, and this same thing happened again? She wouldn't be able to take it. She'd just wait to find out who her soulmate was and not have to deal with this kind of pain ever again.
In retrospect, Sharon thinks it's a good idea that she decided not to tell anyone about what she was planning on doing after graduation.
The day itself is great, all of the different parts of the Academy coming together to graduate as one unit, kind of how it's going to be in the future. Some girl named Simmons gives their graduation speech, which is the obligatory full of hope spiel that they could probably get anywhere else, but it's still sweet. Sharon thinks that she might be the girl she'd seen at S&T, but she can't be sure anymore.
That was a long time ago. She was practically a different person back then, when her parents died. Most of that time is a blur.
She takes tons of pictures with Trip and Bobbi and their families, and of course Tony and Aunt Peg and Angie. She's reminded of how loved she truly is, surrounded by all of these people that have come to support her and are proud of her for graduation.
Still, throughout the whole thing there's a sort of pit in her stomach, an anxiety worrying away inside of her because of what she knows she's going to do as soon as this is all over.
What if the file is empty? What then? All of these years of waiting would be for nothing. On the other hand, it might be even worse if it's not empty. What if it's someone she knows? Would that mean that it's not real, if she hasn't been able to figure it out and fall in love with that person on her own?
It's all incredibly confusing and filling her with anxiety, so she resolves not to think about it until after everything is over and no one is expecting things out of her.
Tony is infuriating, as always, but Sharon can't help but smile as he teases her.
"You sure you're okay, Share-bear? Need some Vicodin? Because I—"
"Good lord, Tony," Aunt Peggy chastises him, "she's just graduated! She needs a nice meal, at least, before you get her high."
Sharon laughs as he pulls her into another hug.
"Thanks for the offer, I guess."
"Thought it would help you get over your nerves. You know graduation is over, right? There's nothing to stress about." He pauses, looks at her more seriously. "You sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, yeah," she mumbles, slightly unconvincingly. She needs to work on her poker face more if she's going to be a good SHIELD agent. "I guess it's kind of weird knowing that I won't be going back to class tomorrow, you know? I have a real job now."
"'S not all it's cracked up to be," he starts, and Angie elbows him in the ribs.
"Shut your mouth, Tony. You know you do absolutely nothing at your job. That's what you have Obadiah for." Tony rolls his eyes, leaning in to whisper in Sharon's ear.
"Board meetings are still a bitch, though."
She laughs, and the tightness in her chest is somewhat relieved.
After her celebratory graduation dinner, after Tony and Angie are done going at each others' throats, after Aunt Peggy pulls her aside and tells Sharon she's proud of her, and after they all help her move her minimal amount of furniture into her new SHEILD-issued apartment, Sharon is finally alone.
It's late, but she goes down to City Hall anyway. In big cities, especially DC, the Soulmate Division line is open twenty-four hours a day. Human beings are desperate, and messy, and sometimes it's three AM and all of a sudden someone just has to know.
So she's not worried about the office being closed. She is, however, still worried about what she'll find. It seems like a such a big moment in her life, and she hasn't even told anyone. More important than when she'd lost her virginity, but she'd at least told Bobbi when that happened.
For this she was all alone.
Sharon walks down the quiet streets slowly, trying to make sure that this is exactly what she wants. The lack of people helps her think, even though she'd normally stop to admire the view instead of being lost in her own thoughts.
It's been a while since she's had time to just roam the streets of DC, without it being part of a mission or a test. Those don't give her a lot of time to actually appreciate the city, all things considered.
(They did help her master the art of the brush pass, though, so she can't be too bothered.)
After a few minutes of idleness she steels herself, picking up her pace as she makes her way to the building. She can sight-see another time.
The doors squeak as she opens them, making her cringe. Sharon's not the only one there, but she still feels like she's intruding, somehow. Government buildings really shouldn't stay open this late. It's just freaky.
She makes her way to the line, nervously tugging at her hands. She waits for an older woman, probably in her fifties, who's with her teenage daughter. Sharon suddenly wishes her mom could be there, but Amanda's been gone for years now.
The sting of it is always there though, especially during moments like this. She should've done it sooner, before the car crash. And now it's too late and she's all alone and she doesn't quite know what to do.
She walks up to the middle aged guy in the window, shoving her ID at him. His eyebrow raises as he reads her name, and Sharon tries not to snap at him. She knows her name has weight, but she can't be the only Carter that's ever walked through those doors.
And it's not like she particularly looks like Aunt Peggy, either.
"One sec," the guy says, sliding back her ID and typing something into his computer, then gets up and works his way through the files behind him.
He picks one out from the second shelf and walks it over to her.
"You're in luck. It's not empty." Sharon doesn't know if she can truly consider that luck. She slides the sheet of paper out of the file, unable to look at it quiet yet.
"I can keep it?" she asks him, and he nods, running a hand along his beard.
"Need the folder back, though." She passes it to him, takes a deep breath, and starts reading.
Name: Carter, Sharon
Soulmate: Rogers, Steven Grant
DOB: 07/04/1918
Status: Unknown
Current Residence: Unknown
There's a picture of him, too, one that she's seen before. It's the one that Aunt Peggy keeps in her desk, even after all this time. Steve Rogers before the super soldier serum. It takes Sharon a few seconds to take in the information, and when it finally sinks into her skull, she whirls on the guy behind the desk, eyes narrowed.
"Is this some kind of joke?" she hisses at him, still trying to remain some aspect of decency, even though she's unbelievably livid.
"I'm sorry?" he asks, eyes wide. Apparently he's never been yelled at by an irate blonde woman, but hey, there's a first for everything.
"I said," Sharon repeats, gritting her teeth, "is this. A fucking. Joke? Am I being pranked right now? Because I assure you, it's absolutely not funny."
"Listen, lady, I have no idea what you're talking about—"
"Just give me my real fucking file!"
"Whatd'ya mean, your 'real file'? You gave me your ID, I gave you your file. That's it."
Sharon takes a deep breath and tries not to lunge at him. "There is no way in hell that my soulmate," she spits the word, "is Captain fucking AMERICA!"
His eyes bug out of his head, and then they narrow.
"Let me see."
She slaps the piece of paper on the counter.
"Well, shit."
Sharon glares.
"I mean, even Captain America has a soulmate, right? Shouldn't you be glad?"
"He's dead!" she all but screeches, snatching the sheet of paper away from him again. "He's dead. This has to be a mistake."
He says nothing. Sharon is suddenly, incredibly happy that she hasn't told anyone.
What is she going to say to Aunt Peggy? How can she ever look her in the eyes again?
No, she decides. It isn't real. She crumbles up the paper and shoves it deep into her coat pocket. She's going to forget about this and go to work tomorrow and pretend that it never happened, because there's no way that this can be even remotely real. She's heard of people having to wait for their soulmates, like if one of them is under the legal age limit or something, but she's never heard of this. Having a soulmate from another decade.
Thanks for nothing, universe.
Bobbi's the one that tells her. Out of all of the chaos of that day, this is the one thing that Sharon can remember, the one moment that she holds on to.
It's a fairly normal day, in retrospect, until it happens. Sharon's filing paperwork from her latest mission in Kosovo, pretty standard routine. Get in, retrieve hostages, get out. Tony had called earlier. She ignored it. (Sharon's been doing that a lot lately, ignoring her friends. Her heart just isn't in it anymore, and she hates lying to them. She knows that Tony's happy with Pepper now, and she just can't pretend that she's happy too, when she's not.)
And then half a dozen agents run in, shouting unintelligible words. Analysts start typing at miles per minute, footage being pulled up on screens. An airplane. Ice. Valkyrie.
Sharon feels like she's been punched in the chest. She leans against her desk for support, afraid that her legs might give out. They found his body. She has proof. No soulmate, just a body. At least it's some form of closure.
"Sharon," Bobbi says, and she looks up in surprise. "Are you okay? I've said your name like three times now." Her brow is furrowed, looking at Sharon with concern that she doesn't deserve. Not after shutting her out for so long.
Sharon takes a deep breath. "I'm fine, I just have a headache. What's going on?" she asks, gesturing towards the screens.
"It's crazy out there. They found Captain America."
"Yeah, I can see that. His body. Crazy." She's speaking in fragments. It feels like her ribs are digging at her insides.
"No, Sharon, he's alive. He's asleep, but his heart is beating and his vitals are stable. They think it has something to do with the serum."
Bobbi's looking at her like this is extraordinary information, eyes wide and breathing heavy, like she's run all the way here just to tell her friend the news. And it is extraordinary. But it's also impossible. He's not — he can't be — it isn't real. She's dreaming.
"Sharon," Bobbi snaps, unsuccessfully trying to get her attention again.
"Sorry, sorry. What did you say?"
"I said, are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah. I'm fine. Didn't get enough sleep, I guess."
"Uh-huh." Bobbi sounds unconvinced. Sharon fixes her expression into one of cool indifference, despite the fact that it feels like her stomach is eating itself alive. She forces herself to go back to her paperwork.
New York happens so fast after he comes back that she almost misses it. Sharon's part of the team that helps with the clean-up, which she had requested herself. She doesn't think she could've handled being so near him, even in the same state, without falling to pieces.
Sharon's not even sure that she even believes the soulmate thing yet. Steve coming back to life might not have been a coincidence, but even if it is fate (which she can't help but think is a complete joke now, after all that she's been through and seen), she can't take the chance. Because if they meet and he realizes who she is, her presence will only serve as a reminder of Peggy and all that he's lost. And she doesn't want to do that to him.
She doesn't want to be her Aunt's sloppy seconds, the universe's fucked up version of giving Steve Rogers another chance at a happy ending.
Sharon doesn't want to be a consolation prize. So she lays low. Only takes cases outside of the U.S. Keeps her distance — millions of miles of it, if necessary. She especially doesn't let him see her at SHIELD, and if she even catches a whiff of her last name she shuts it down immediately.
They assign her the number thirteen on the Secret Service team, and she asks everyone to call her that. Trip and Bobbi do so warily, but no one else seems to care. She's determined to shed the parts of herself that won't make her a good agent, and that includes Steve.
She propels herself full force into the agency, trying to prove something to herself, although she's not really sure what.
Missions are finished with increasing efficiency, and Sharon finds herself slowly rising up the ranks at SHEILD. It's lonely, sure, with Trip and Bobbi and even Mac forming a friendship around and away from her, but she manages just fine.
If she's destined to be alone, then the least she can do is be the best agent possible.
Sharon Carter ceases to exist, and Agent Thirteen is shoved in her place.
"Agent Carter. Have a seat."
Sharon tries not to visibly flinch at the name. She's gotten so used to people calling her "Thirteen" that the use of her real name is a shock to her system. She doesn't deserve that name. Just hearing it makes her think of Steve, and then Aunt Peggy, and then she just starts to feel sick all over again.
Natasha Romanoff, of all people, had shown up at her cubicle and told her that the Director wanted to see her in his office ASAP.
"I noticed that you didn't volunteer to participate in the Battle of New York," Fury begins as she sits down in the chair in front of his desk.
"Yes, sir."
"Any particular reason?"
"No, sir."
Fury's quiet for a second. "How's your aunt doing?"
The question throws her off. Sharon goes to see Aunt Peggy every Wednesday, like clockwork. Has been since she was put in the home. It had been devastating, obviously, to find out the news of Peggy's illness, but it was even more so when it started to progress. Some days Aunt Peggy doesn't even know who she is, which hurts the most of all.
She wants to tell her aunt about the soulmate thing, but the longer she puts it off the worse it gets. Her secret is eating a hole in her chest. Sharon does the only thing she knows she's good at: she lies.
"She's doing great for her condition. The Alzheimer's won't have her for a another few years."
Fury nods.
"Listen, Carter, I'm going to be up front with you. You've seen what happened at New York, and you were here when Rogers was first found alive. Because of your aunt, I know that you have a connection—"
"No!" She almost shouts it, hating herself for the reaction she has to just hearing his name, but controls herself at the last second. "No connection. I know of him, is all."
Fury says nothing, just gives her a warning look. She takes a deep breath.
"I trust you, Carter, alright?" Her eyes widen a little. "You've done good work since the Academy. You've matured into a great agent. Your aunt would be proud."
Sharon's heart constricts. She doesn't know how Aunt Peggy would react to the news that her former flame is Sharon's soulmate, but she doesn't think she'd be proud. She says nothing to the Director.
"The case that I'm about to give you is top secret. No one can know about this. Not Peggy, not Agent Morse, not Tony," he stresses the last part, and Sharon wrinkles her nose. Tony is nothing if not persistent. She'll have to lie to him, say she's going undercover somewhere and that he can't contact her for a while.
"What's the mission, Sir?"
"I need you to go undercover as Steve Rogers' neighbor." Her heart leaps into her throat. So. Technically not a lie, then, but it'll feel enough like one for her to hate herself even more.
"His neighbor," she repeats, unable to wrap her mind around the situation. She never asked for this, for her soulmate. It's not like she was okay with the fact that he was dead, that her one chance for true love was literally dead, but she had been coping. She was getting through life one day at a time, and now this. How was she supposed to deal with this? Go up to him and announce herself?
Hi, my name is Sharon Carter, you were in love with my aunt, and I'm your soulmate. Welcome to the twenty-first century! She's going to vomit, she's sure of it.
"Get to know him, watch out for him, tail him. Just make sure he's adjusting well."
"Adjusting." Sharon knows that she keeps repeating herself, but now she has an actual headache and her heart hurts because here's another person that she has to lie to, just like she's been lying to everyone she loves for eight years. And he's supposed to be the one person that she shouldn't be lying to.
"Are we going to have a problem, Agent Carter? Because I thought you were capable of handling a mission of this caliber, but if—"
"No, no. Everything's fine. I'm up to the challenge."
"Good. He moves in two weeks from now. Here's your file."
Sharon doesn't meet him the way that she wants to, which, you know, what else is new? She'd had this entire thing planned out, all according to what she'd learned at the Academy and from her missions: eye contact techniques, things to get him to trust her. But of course she didn't get to use any of it.
She'd been too much of a fucking wimp to just knock on his door and introduce herself for weeks after he first moved in. Every day she told herself, tomorrow's the day, I'll do it tomorrow for sure, he probably isn't home anyway. And every day she chickened out again.
Fury hadn't asked for a report yet, thank god, because he probably thought that she needed some time to make progress. Still, he probably assumes that she's at least met the guy, which, nope. Especially after what happened in New York. It just felt like the wrong time to approach him, because he's probably dealing with so much and he's only just been, well. Defrosted, for lack of a better term.
Tony's been calling her on and off since she'd received her mission, and she's been lying to him and telling him that everything's fine with her undercover op when really she's just been sitting on her ass in her apartment, day after day.
So it feels like a cruel trick of fate (fate, ha) when Sharon literally runs into Steve when she's coming back from Natasha's apartment. That's what she's been doing for the last few months instead of her job. Hanging out with Natasha.
Sharon likes spending time with Natasha mostly because she doesn't ask questions. Nat's the only one besides Fury that knows about the Op, but she doesn't pry. She just lets Sharon bum around at her place for hours on end, during the time that she has to make Steve think she's "working" at her fake job as a nurse.
The one weird thing is that Natasha keeps trying to set her and Steve up, which is ironic on so many levels that Sharon can't even bring herself to think about.
As she's jogging up the stairs one night in her (also fake) scrubs, Steve is hastily making his way down them, and they literally collide. If it were anyone else, Sharon would laugh. But as Steve's arms shoot out to steady her before she literally falls to her death down the stairs, she feels more like crying, because her entire body lights up in a way that she didn't know was even possible.
She lets out a quick gasp, grabbing hold of his arms like she's tethering herself to the earth. She stumbles a little, but he's basically rock solid, and she finds her footing a step below him. The angle gives Sharon a perfect vantage point to finally see him. Because she's seen him before, in passing.
History books, Aunt Peggy's old photos, even the exhibit that they'd set up at the Smithsonian in his honor after the President found out that he was alive. The picture on that sheet of paper that she's kept hidden all these years. She'd seen him move in, had listened to him (illegally, obviously; she was still a SHIELD agent) through the walls of her apartment just to make sure that he was okay.
But this was different. This was face to face, finally looking her soulmate in the eye and wanting to flee immediately.
Her mind is screaming at her to do something, to say something, but all she can do is gape at him.
"You okay?" he asks her, and she has to shake herself out of this weird haze because she's suddenly mesmerized by the color of his eyes and what his muscles look like and — focus, Carter, focus. This is your job. Your mission. Nothing else. She lets her arms drop, hating the fact that she's been holding on this entire time and hadn't even realized it.
"Yeah," she says, laughing it off. "I guess my shift tired me out more than I thought." He smiles softly at her, and it's almost so blinding that she has to look down at her feet to gain some semblance of a clear head. "I don't think I ever introduced myself," she tells him, deciding that if she's ever going to start doing her job right, it might as well be now. "I'm Kate."
She offers him her (also super fucking fake) name, and her hand to go with it. He leans forward to shake it.
"Steve," he says. "You do now I've lived here going on almost two years now," he says with a wry grin, and she bites her lip.
"Well, Steve," she teases, "I guess we're both just a little busy then, aren't we?"
He laughs a little, rubbing the back of his neck. "This interaction just proves that, doesn't it?"
"Don't be a stranger," she tells him, forcing herself to climb up the stairs to her apartment and not look back.
Steve is at her door and it's all over. Everything that she's been so carefully constructing at SHIELD and in her heart completely tumbles down the second she opens the door and looks at him.
It almost... hurts, not being able to reach out and touch him. It's crippling, and she wants to just fall to her knees because all it takes is just one look and she can't breathe and she doesn't know if it's the soulmate thing or something more, something caused just by Steve; his small, awkward smile, the way he's fiddling with his hands a little bit as he clutches the smartphone that he clearly has no idea how to use in his hands.
The fact that he doesn't know is practically eating her alive, but she smiles like the kind and oblivious neighbor she's supposed to be.
"Kate," he says, and she tries not to visibly react, "hi. I'm uh," he rubs his neck with his hand, adorably embarrassed, "having trouble with my internet. I know you're not an expert or anything, but I, ah. Just thought anyone could fare better than me at this point."
She laughs politely, tries to keep her distance. She doesn't know what touching him would do to her at this point, but she knows that she won't be able to handle it.
Leaning against the doorway and crossing her arms, she raises an eyebrow at him. "You have such confidence in me," she teases, and she can see the tips of his ears turn pink.
"I'd prefer it be you and not," he lowers his voice to a whisper, "Edna." Sharon barely holds in her guffaw as he gestures further down the hall, pointing towards the elderly woman's apartment.
Sharon's had a few interactions with Mrs. Winters, and most of them have been unpleasant, to say the least. She's a grumpy old bat, always grumbling about some disturbance or other, so she understands Steve's hesitation.
"Well, let's hope that I know more about the internet than she does. Or else I'll have to seriously question my status in the modern world.
He laughs as she closes the door to her apartment, not bothering to lock it.
Sharon gives him her number. She knows that she's not supposed to, that she's supposed to be professional and just a friendly face, nothing more, but she does it anyway. It's partly because he just looks so lonely, and partly because when she helps him fix his wifi she doesn't want to leave.
"You can text me, you know. Whenever." She waves her hand in the air in a vague expression. "That means text message," she adds, teasing him. "It's like a letter. In shorthand." His lips curve up into a smile.
"Funny."
"You'll get used to it."
"Will I?"
She really hopes so. She leaves him with a soft smile and wanders back to her apartment in a daze.
He asks her out, which is surprising and weird and incredible all at the same time. Isn't this what she's been hoping for? That he'd learn to love her on his own, without knowing that she's Peggy's niece? This is exactly what she had wanted, deep down.
And then she realizes that she can't, not while she's still keeping tabs on him for her assignment. She has to politely turn him down and it's the hardest thing that she's ever done in her life.
"You hang out on the roof a lot?" Sharon jumps at the voice behind her and spills some wine on her scrubs.
"Shit," she hisses, setting the glass down on the ground and furiously dabbing at her shirt with her hands. She gives up when she realizes that it's no use; the shirt is ruined. SHIELD can probably replace it, but still. The less she has to report about her job the better. Something about Steve still seems so private to her, like she can't let anyone else know about him. Like he's hers. (Even though he's not.)
"Sorry," Steve says sheepishly, making his way over to her. His hands are in his pockets. She doesn't know why she can't stop staring at them. "Hey," he says when he's finally standing next to her. "Are you okay?"
Sharon shrugs, looking down at her scrubs. Each time he sees her wearing them she hates them even more. She suddenly has the urge to burn them. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Dunno. Haven't seen you around in a while, is all."
She puts a big, fake smile on her face. (It seems like fake is her new favorite thing to be. Duty, she reminds herself. Honor. Do what you're told.) "It's just been really busy at work lately. Sometimes I come up here to unwind."
"My mother was a nurse," he tells her, and she raises an eyebrow at him.
I know. That's why they specifically chose this as my cover.
"Was she?"
"She was. Noble profession." He tilts his head towards her, and she looks down to hide a smile.
"Oh yeah. Cleaning up shit really makes me feel like a hero." He laughs.
"Someone's gotta do it."
"A sense of humor, huh? Who knew."
"Kate," he says, and her smile falls. She tries to paste it back on. "You know who I am, don't you?"
"It doesn't matter."
He's quiet. "No one's ever said that to me before."
"There's more to you than your job, is all. I know firsthand how it feels to be defined by it, so." She trails off. Kate may be a fiction, but her words aren't. Sharon's been realizing more and more lately that him being Captain America has nothing to do with her feelings for him. It may enhance how she feels, sure, because she's strong and noble and he's put his life on the line for innocent people more than once.
But she sees now that that's not the only thing there is to him. He's her soulmate, but instead of just being this… abstract on a piece of paper that read eight years ago, he's a real person. He has hopes and wants and thought's and he's just… Steve. He's just Steve. Suddenly her chest feels too tight. Aunt Peggy was right. She does know, and she feels it all over.
Sharon leans down to pick up her wine glass off of the ground. "I should probably head off to bed. Early morning shift tomorrow."
"Goodnight," he says softly, and she smiles at him before turning around and walking away. It takes everything in her not to look back.
Some nights she can hear him, walking around his apartment or listening to old records, or even just crying. Those nights are the worst of all. She wishes she can just go over there and help him, take his pain away, but she doesn't know how. She hasn't been close to anyone in years, not since that night.
She leans against the wall of her living room and wonders if he can hear the beating of her heart through the walls, thudding loudly in her chest with the weight of everything that she can't bear to say.
And suddenly it's all too much, the soulmate thing and this job and Aunt Peggy forgetting her name the other day. Sharon can almost tell from somewhere outside of herself that she's having a panic attack, something that hasn't happened since the day that her parents died, and she tries to steady her breathing but she can't.
Sharon doesn't know what else to do; she calls Bobbi. It's been months since they've spoken, years since she's even properly seen her. And Bobbi used to be her best friend. Sharon doesn't even expect her to pick up, but she does.
Bobbi's soft, comforting, surprised voice says "Sharon?" and she breaks down.
"I can't do it," she chokes out, trying to swallow back a sob. This is the most she's felt in years, and she didn't know that she could feel like this, intense emotion hitting her full force just from one interaction. "I don't know what to do."
"I'm coming to get you," Bobbi tells her.
"Captain America is your soulmate," Bobbi says, feet in Sharon's lap as they sit on Bobbi's ratty couch, forehead crinkled as she tries to understand Sharon's situation.
"Yup," Sharon says, leaning over the coffee table and pouring herself another shot. "It takes some time to get used to it." She tilts her head back and drinks.
"Are you in love with him?"
"I don't know, Bobbi, okay? I thought I was in love with Rick, and look how that turned out. I'm still under the impression that this is some elaborate prank."
Bobbi shakes her head, pulling Sharon into another hug. Sharon hates hugs, for the record. Which is just a testament to how drunk she is tonight if she's letting Bobbi hug her more than once.
"So all those years after the Academy…"
"Yup."
Sharon doesn't know what else to say. She was pretty pathetic. But shutting her emotions out is the only way that she knows how to deal with them. She has that in common with Tony.
Sharon stumbles up the stairs, teetering in her heels, and trips and falls on the top step. "Fuck," she mutters, as she lands square on her ass. She can't be bothered to get up, and digs the bottle of vodka that she stole from Bobbi's liquor cabinet out of her purse.
She takes a long swig, coughing slightly as it burns its way down her throat, and closes her eyes. She doesn't hear someone sit down next to her and jumps when she opens her eyes again.
"Go 'way," she snaps, hating that he always shows up right when she's vulnerable. Does he have some sort of "Sharon's in trouble" radar that she doesn't know about?
"I'd rather not leave you alone right now," he says, reaching over to take the bottle from her. She snatches it away before he can get his hands around it.
"You're literally t'last person I wanna see right now," she hisses at him, tipping the bottle back into her mouth. He looks surprised, but she doesn't blame him. All she does is keep secrets from people, especially the people she loves.
Love. She scoffs slightly to herself at the word. What right does she have to call it that? Steve reaches out to touch her shoulder and she flinches away from him.
"Just stop," she slurs, and tries to pull herself up using the railing. His hands find her waist anyway, and he leads her to her door. She hates that she's too weak to fight him off.
"Keys?" he asks, and she shoves her purse at him. He digs around for a few seconds before unlocking her apartment and leading her in. Why hasn't he stopped touching me?
"Get off," Sharon mumbles, stumbling away from him. The loss of touch leaves her skin cold, but it's better than letting her mind wander. She kicks her shoes off and whirls to face him, steadying herself by holding on to her couch. "You can leave now, I'm fine. No one's going to kidnap me, or whatever."
"Kate," he says, and it makes all of her thoughts stop for a second. They just stand there, with her door open, looking at each other. Her heart hurts.
"I can't," she says. "Please just go."
"Okay, okay." He puts his hands up. "You've made your point." He looks down at his feet, and she notices that he's only wearing socks, before turning around and leaving her apartment. He closes the door behind him.
Sharon takes a deep breath, forces herself not to cry, and goes to lock the door. She falls asleep on the couch that night.
Of course it all goes to shit. The universe just can't let her be. Or Steve, for that matter. He keeps being pulled into messes at the same time, and she keeps getting tangled in them.
And for the record, it really sucks that people that are supposed to be dead won't fucking stay dead. If that wasn't the case, Sharon wouldn't be in the mess that she's currently in, emotionally and otherwise.
It's a fucking mess after Steve's apartment is hijacked, and Sharon can't get the image of the Director's body out of her mind. She barely pulls together some excuse about Steve having some drunken friends over for a rowdy game of poker to tell her super, although he seems to buy it for the time being.
She doesn't think she's ever going to see him again, and even if she does, he probably won't be able to look at her either. His face when she had finally told him who she was spoke volumes. He was angry. Disgusted, even.
She wonders when she turns around to look at him at SHIELD (because she has to; every time she sees him it's not enough, her brain is always demanding more more more) she wonders if he just knows. If he looks at her and his heart jumps and says to him, look, there she is, your soulmate. She's right there, just look.
Or maybe because she's the one that knows it's somehow implanted in her mind like a placebo effect. The file said that Steve was her soulmate so now she thinks he is, even though he isn't.
That isn't not how this entire thing works, is it? It can't be.
But maybe it is, and she's just the fool that started to believe.
Sharon's alone for weeks in her apartment after SHIELD falls. She lets herself wallow in everything that she's lost, her friends and Aunt Peggy's accomplishments and Steve.
She rubs scar cream on the cut that Rumlow gave her, as if that'll make everything better. It probably says something that the wound isn't healing like the rest of hers usually do. She goes to see Aunt Peggy, finally tells her the secret that she's been keeping for years. Nothing really seems to matter anymore, anyway.
And it's not like Peggy will remember what Sharon tells her anyway, so she really has nothing to lose.
"I always knew you'd find someone," Aunt Peggy tells Sharon instead, surprisingly lucid. "Maybe meeting me was just fate's way of bringing Steve closer to you," she says, and Sharon lets herself climb into bed with her aunt and cry for a while, like she used to do when she was a little girl. Aunt Peggy is basically the only family she has left besides Tony, but Sharon knows that she won't be around for much longer.
The doctors say that she doesn't really have many lucid days left in her. Aunt Peggy falls asleep and Sharon crawls out of the bed, wiping her eyes. She needs to look for a job.
Someone's pounding on her door. That's how Sharon wakes up from her nap on a Friday night, still halfway asleep when she opens the door and Steve barrels in.
"Is it true?" he asks, and she has to take a second to wake up and comprehend what he's saying. He knows, her brain immediately says, but that can't be true. No one knows. Except for Bobbi, and Aunt Peggy, but Bobbi promised never to tell and Aunt Peggy can't even remember her own name most days.
"Is what true?"
"Sharon, please don't do this. It's happened to me once before and I don't know what I'll do if it happens again." He looks desperate. She's never seen him like this, panicked and shaking; confused. "Are you my soulmate?"
Why does it feel like her heart is breaking? Isn't this a good thing? "Happened once before," he just said. He means Peggy. He fell in love with Aunt Peggy and she wasn't his soulmate and he doesn't want it to happen again. Sharon knows the feeling.
"Yes," she says, and the word comes out rough, like it's scratching her throat. She doesn't know what else to say.
"Do you still have it?" he asks her, interrupting the silence. He means the paper. The one that has his name on it. The one that confirms everything.
She nods, once, unable to bring herself to speak.
Sharon hadn't been able to force herself to throw it away, all those years ago. She wanders over to a small drawer near the TV, where she keeps all of her important tax files and bills, and pulls it out.
The paper itself is crumpled, worn out from years of abuse, but still legible. She hands it to him without a word, and he scans the sheet quickly. There isn't that much to read.
"How old were you?"
"Twenty-one," she says with a weak laugh, as if that'll fix everything. But it won't. She feels like nothing could ever fix this, all these years of distance and misunderstanding between them. She has no idea how he'll ever forgive her for what SHIELD made her do.
"I'm sorry I made you wait so long," he says, and that's what does it. Like he pulled some sort of plug inside of her, she lets out a short, desperate sob. She tries to reign it in but she can't, years of pent up emotion flooding her all at once, and she's half laughing and half crying and a complete mess.
"I thought it was a fucking joke," she chokes out, running a hand through her hair. "I stopped believing. I mean I've heard of years, you know, but decades, almost a fucking century," she trails off, sucking in a deep breath. "I didn't think it was possible."
"I thought you didn't exist."
Sharon's breath catches in her throat. She hadn't even thought of what it was like for him. At least her sheet of paper had a name on it.
"When I fell in love with Peggy, I thought that was it. It wasn't the same for us back then. Soulmates were for the rich, for the ones who could afford the knowledge. So when she told me she already had two soulmates, I didn't — I couldn't — Having to go down in that plane was the hardest thing I had ever done, but at least I knew that it wouldn't kill her if I died. I knew she had someone. And then I woke up and it seems like everyone had a soulmate, and I— I tried. I went to go see it, but they told me the file was empty. I finally went to go and see Peggy and she probably had no idea she was even saying."
"Oh god," Sharon gasps, running her hands over her face and then through her hair, again.
"'My niece Sharon is your soulmate,' she said, like it was the most basic fact. I almost didn't believe her, but I put it together and I had to know. Sharon," he says, taking a step towards her, and that's enough. That's all the courage she needs. She launches herself at him, causing him to stumble back a bit as she throws her arms around his neck.
She's waited so long that at this point she doesn't care about the consequences. She just wants to know what it's like, kissing your soulmate. If it's just as good as people say.
Steve lets out a harsh breath against her mouth, almost like he's been holding it in, and wraps his arms around her waist, pulling her closer towards him. It's rough and it's exactly what she needs and she could almost sob in relief because it feels like coming home.
How did she ever live without this? Now that she knows what it's like how will she ever be able to give it up? Because that's what he'll want, isn't it?
He's still in love with Peggy. Her Aunt Peggy. She pulls away from him, roughly. They're both breathing heavily, and his hair is a mess. She wonders when she'd managed to do that.
"Sorry," Sharon breathes, staring down at her feet.
"I'm not."
Her head snaps up. He takes another step closer.
"I know that you think that I'm still in love with Peggy, but Sharon, you have to believe me. When I'm with you, it's the only place I want to be. And when I'm not, it's all I think about."
"Steve, you don't— just because some piece of paper says you're my soulmate doesn't mean that you are. Maybe it's just wrong, I don't—"
"It's not wrong."
"How could you— how do you possibly know that?"
He takes another step closer. When did they get this close? She can almost feel his breath on her face, and it's making her dizzy.
"Because it explains this," he murmurs softly, placing his arms on the counter and bracketing her in. Sharon jumps back in surprise and finds that there's nowhere for her to go, because she's shoved up against the counter. She lets out a small whimper.
"Tell me you don't feel it," he says, and there's something in his eyes that she can't quite explain, but it hurts. "Just tell me you feel nothing and I'll leave you alone."
She shakes her head, trying to gather her thoughts. "Steve, I can't, I—"
He doesn't let her finish, instead moving his right arm to cradle her head and leaning in to kiss her again.
It's softer this time, deeper. She lets out a sigh against his mouth, making him groan and press himself closer to her. She fists her hands into his shirt and tries to pull him even closer, even though at this point it's practically impossible.
They're pressed so tightly against each other and yet she still wants more. Steve's the one that pulls away this time, resting his forehead on hers.
"No more hiding, okay? We've wasted so much time."
Sharon feels herself shaking. "But what about Peggy and what will people think and—"
His mouth finds hers again, effectively shutting her up. "I don't care. I don't care," he breathes, and she fits her hands in his shirt, needing something to hold her up straight. "You're all that matters."
"I can't believe you're actually real," she tells him, and his smile is so wide and beautiful and she loves him. She loves him.
"Same here," he says, lifting her up and setting her down on the counter. "You're like a miracle."
"Steve!" Sharon shouts, grabbing his attention. He turns around in time to catch his shield that she's just thrown at him, and he uses it to knock Rumlow out as he approaches. Sharon shoots him a quick grin before she takes out another two guys and looks around for more. She wipes her forehead, drenched with sweat, and takes a deep breath.
That can't be it, can it?
Two large arms wrap around her waist and she tenses, until she feels Steve's familiar breath fanning over her shoulder.
"You jerk," she reprimands him, turning around to stab a finger into his chest. "Are you sure there's none left?" she asks, trying to crane her head around his massive shoulders to look behind him, and he just laughs, brushing her hair out of her face.
"Relax," he teases, "you got 'em all. It was kind of hot the way you punched that one guy in the face," he adds, and Sharon laughs.
"Oh yeah?"
"Mmm, definitely. Want to finish this at home, Agent Carter?" he asks her, and she presses up on her toes to whisper into his ear.
"Only if you can keep up, Captain," she quips, and runs down the street. He follows immediately after her.
tell me what you think! i've been working on this for a while, and it took me about 2 months to finish it. i'm not great at endings tho tbh i'm better at angst so idk. anyway. just leave your opinions