"Extrapolations" is the second installment in a series. It takes place in the same universe as "Fireflies," an earlier story of mine that appeared in the fifth issue of NOW VOYAGER, the newsletter of the Kate Mulgrew Appreciation Society.
This story was written after "Initiations" aired, but before "Tattoo." It's possible that certain parts of "Extrapolations" may become non-canonical in the future.
DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to Paramount in fact and to us in fantasy.
Five days before the first anniversary of the Voyager's untimely hiatus to the Delta Quadrant, Kathryn Janeway realized that it had been some time since she had needed an alarm to wake her up in the morning.
There had been another time, relatively brief but nevertheless annoying, when she had been so tired that she had slept through the alarm more than once. That had been early on in their isolation, when the crew was in what Chakotay called a nuanka, and there always seemed to be something going wrong, something to distract her attention from what she was concentrating on at the time, all shift long and even after that until she fell into bed exhausted and slept like the dead all night. That had been followed by several months of her own "time of mourning," when she had slept badly and often awakened in the middle of the night to spend several hours thinking in circles, trying to figure a way out, a way home that she had not thought of yet, falling back asleep between 0400 and 0500 only to have the alarm shock her back to unpleasant reality as soon as she was deeply asleep again.
When she had sought the doctor's counsel early one morning, he had informed her briskly that she was suffering from a mild reactive depression, which increased her self-knowledge not at all and had occasioned the only heated exchange they had ever had; she had, in effect, snapped his head off only to have hers snapped off in return. There was something, she had told herself, simply ridiculous about getting that mad at a hologram. By the time she had told Chakotay about the incident during the early part of their watch, she had been feeling, she confided, downright foolish. "It was like a bad farce--him stalking off one way"--she thumbed over her shoulder--"and me stalking off the oth--" At that point he had interrupted her by laughing out loud, much to the amusement of the entire bridge crew. "Thank you for sharing, Commander," she had muttered, trying unsuccessfully to repress a wry chuckle.
"Captain," he had replied, making a valiant attempt to get his face in order, "they couldn't possibly guess--" And then he was off again, considerably less loudly but no less amused. The ensuing conversation, which revolved around relaxation techniques they had both learned in Command School and the possibility that one's animal guide might be of assistance in such circumstances, had been as restorative as their shared laughter, and much more so than any medical assistance the doctor might have given her....
Smiling reminiscently, she glanced at the chronometer next to her bed. A little after 0615. She could be showered, made up, dressed and in the mess hall in slightly under twenty-five minutes, and had been on numerous occasions. No point in hurrying. Neither of them was going to get there before 0700--not unless they wanted to draw more attention than they both knew they already had by having breakfast together every day for the past month.
Frowning now, she closed her eyes momentarily. You can stop this, she thought. All you have to do is not get there until about 0745. Once, maybe twice, and he'll get the message. Sighing, she sat up, hugged her knees, and rested her chin on them.
The trouble with that idea was that she wasn't sure what message it was that she wanted him to get.
Or was she?
The whole scene was all too familiar, she told herself resolutely, determined to demolish the disturbingly joyful certainty that had been growing within her for weeks. All this had happened twice before. The first time had been when she was fourteen; there had been band practice before school every morning and she had had a passionate crush on the piccolo player, who had shyly and chastely returned her affection. The second time had been during second year at the Academy, when she and a fellow cadet--neither shy nor chaste--who had later been her lover for almost two years had sat next to one another in their first class five days a week.
Wake up feeling as though the sun were shining even when it wasn't. Not be able to get back to sleep. Not be able to do anything except get up and get going as fast as possible because he--
She sighed again and shook her head, her chin still resting on her hands. The only trouble with that idea was that nothing like this had ever happened before. Not even with Mark. All of them had served a purpose in her life, had been there for a reason the scientist in her could document in retrospect if not at the time. The shy piccolo player had been an adolescent crush when she was not ready for more than that. The lusty cadet and his several successors had allowed her to explore her own sexuality without the commitment she and they were unwilling to give at the time. And Mark, she now knew, had been a combination home port and anchor, more best friend than life-long partner. At a year's distance, she wondered why she had not wondered at the time why he had been so comfortable with the fact that she was with him so seldom and away so much. Something within him that avoided commitment even as she did? No sense in wondering now, because in all likelihood she would never see him again.
She would, however, be seeing her first officer every day for a good many years, possibly as long as they both should live. Here was no yearning adolescent; no former lover now a friend; no comfortable comrade who would midwife her dog in her absence and intermittently accommodate her needs. Here was, quite simply, an all-or-nothing commitment waiting to happen. And what was different about this time was that the thought did not dismay her. It overjoyed and excited her. And that was only part of the reason it was so dangerous.
How could she--could they retain their command presence if they were lovers?
How do people--the crew, Chakotay, herself--react to change when everything changes at once?
Hadn't they all had more than enough of that kind of change just a year ago?
And weren't all these questions, at least partially, simply evasive maneuvers? Might as well give them each an official designator, and then she could call them up at will with a letter and a number.
Frowning a little and smiling wryly at the same time, she shook her head again, rose, and began her routine, aware as she had been for the past few days that her movements were different in the morning from what they used to be. Always a diurnal, she normally moved rapidly through her routine, often trying to beat her own time just for the fun of it. But these days her movements were slower, more abstracted, less focused; yesterday she had actually knocked her toothbrush into the head and had to use precious replicator rations to produce a new one....
Not the Kathryn she thought she knew so well. But then, that Kathryn would not have put away the picture of Mark and Bear before she left her ready room the evening before last, and then waited for her first officer to notice it was gone throughout their morning briefing yesterday. If he had noticed, he had given no sign at the time. And the Kathryn she used to be would not have been disappointed and relieved at the same time.
Pausing before the bathroom mirror, she whispered wryly, "Will the real Kathryn Janeway please stand up and be counted?" But the thought of the replicator had distracted her, as random thoughts had a way of doing these days.
In less than seventy-two hours the Voyager would arrive in the vicinity of an Earth-like planet that Neelix had assured her would make an excellent venue for much-needed crew R & R. (A year, she thought. They'd been at this a year, and they were still close enough to their starting point that Neelix could relay hearsay if not actual experiential knowledge of the star systems through which they were passing. Either the little man was far more knowledgeable that she had at first anticipated, or they were, relatively speaking, getting nowhere very fast indeed.) She had not brought a sleeping bag with her, and if she wanted to go camping, she would have to replicate one. But she had been putting it off, unwilling to fully come to terms with the urgency of her wish to replicate a double one and devil take the consequences....
Her reflection looked back at her from the mirror--eyes alight, lips slightly parted, cheeks flushed. Had she ever, she wondered, looked like this when she was with him? Could he see what was happening her as easily as she could see what was happening to him?
She covered her face momentarily, turned away from the mirror, and went quickly on with her preparations for the day. She was already behind schedule, and if she were late for breakfast he might get....
The wrong message. No use denying it. None of her evasive maneuvers were worth a damn.
"Good morning, Captain."
They arrived at the door of the mess hall almost at the same time, as they often did of late. Momentarily unable to draw her gaze from his, she wondered absently if most people look directly at each other like this when they greet one another in the morning. At the moment she had no idea, but she rather suspected that they didn't. There was a kind of recognition in that gaze, and affirmation, and reassurance. Yes, they seemed to be saying to one another, this is the highlight of my day too....
"Good morning, Commander." She broke the contact and looked around, relieved to see that no one was there except a group of three junior officers deep in conversation at a table across the room. Then an ambivalent fragrance assailed her, and she murmured, "Oh, god, what has Neelix come up with this time?"
"Let's see." Chakotay sniffed experimentally. "A combination of burned pancakes and grits Parmesan?" They both laughed just as the subject of their conversation descended upon them waving a spatula and smiling expansively.
"Captain! Commander! How delightful to see you both here so bright and early!" If it had been anyone but Neelix, she would have suspected sarcasm. But the man was either unable to effect that or hid it well behind a facade of disordered innocence. "Let me recommend the house specialty--"
"Um, Neelix--" Chakotay began with what appeared to be genuine reluctance to burst the little man's bubble of exuberance. "This seems like a muffin kind of morning. Don't you agree, Captain?"
"Definitely that kind of morning, Commander," she answered immediately, hoping that she was keeping her face as straight as he was keeping his.
"Muffins?" Neelix looked from one to the other. "Just muffins?"
"And coffee." And the captain prepared for the onslaught.
"Now, Captain." He almost seemed to pounce. "You and I've discussed this before. I've been working on another subst--"
"Mr. Neelix," said the captain. "Give it up. They're my replicator rations." Smiling, she patted him on the shoulder. "Muffins. Coffee. Do it."
"Well--" Neelix looked at the first officer, as though for support.
Allowing only a trace of a smile to become visible, Chakotay shrugged. "She's the captain."
"That's been precisely my point. If she...." He looked from one to the other. "Oh, all right." Whereupon he launched into a long list of available muffin substitutes.
When they had convinced him that they were not interested in substitutes this morning, replicated their coffee, and received two muffins apiece with thanks, they found a table and sat down together. The muffins, if that was what they were, smelled like--
"Burned pancakes," Chakotay observed wryly, and they both chuckled. "One of these days he'll get something right."
"Blueberry pancakes," she said dreamily, "At home, we used to have pancakes on Sunday morning. My father would make them. It was an event."
"The only time the family could get together all week?"
"Oh, no. No. We almost always had dinner together every night. Sometimes was the only time we all talked together all week, though." She smiled reminiscently. "Sometimes we'd have guests, and then we'd have to watch ourselves."
He paused in the act of taking a drink of coffee. "Watch?"
"So we wouldn't talk the guest out of the loop. You know. Get excited. Interrupt each other, but nobody minded. Just back and forth with the hands going." She popped a piece of muffin into her mouth and gestured to illustrate.
"I know," he said softly, smiling again.
"You do?"
"You and B'Elanna do that all the time when you're together."
"Really?"
"Really."
She wanted it to go on and on--just talking to him about nothing really important, being able to look at him without anyone watching.
"You've never told me anything about your family." She had often wanted to ask him, but the time had never seemed right. Now, talking about hers, was as good a time as any.
His expression changed, although she could not have said how it changed. He was still smiling a little, but the charged intimacy that had been there a moment before was almost completely gone.
"No, I haven't."
"Don't, if you don't want to." She leaned forward. "I shouldn't have--
"Oh, but you should have," he answered quietly. "It's time." Then, before she could fully assimilate what he seemed to be saying, he went on. "My father was an artist. He painted everything--murals, portraits, landscapes, anything that interested him. Sometimes for pay, sometimes not." She found herself holding her breath, waiting for him to go on, afraid that he would stop. "I think the phrase is 'in the world but not of it.'" He sighed, took a swallow of his coffee and set the cup down firmly. "I loved him. Everybody did. But he was never really there for us. He loved us too, but he was--somewhere else when he was painting, and that was most of the time."
"And your mother?" she asked, knowing the answer.
"Strong. She had to be." Smiling a little now. Proud. "I was fifteen when my brother was born. My sisters were nine and six. She...relied on me a lot." Yes, she thought, watching missing pieces fall into place in her mind. "She was a cultural anthropologist," he went on, surprising her not at all. "My people--we're very past-conscious. Our cultural heritage is an essential part of our selves--the way we see ourselves. My mother was looked up to, respected, for the work she did. After we settled on Dorvan V, she became a respected member of the community. A leader." He glanced at her almost shyly, and then looked down at his cup again. "She used to say call me her good right arm. He used to call me...it means 'Little brother.'" Now, at last, just a shade of bitterness.
"How did that make you feel?"
"I don't know. Displaced. Misplaced." He paused, thinking. "Confused. Especially when I was little. It was like he was depriving me of himself. As my father." A faint smile. "He's making up for it now, though."
"Now? I thought he was...." Her voice drifted into silence as she realized what he must be saying. "You feel his presence?"
For a long moment he simply gazed back at her. Listening in memory to her own voice as she had asked the question, she detected no hint of condescension or disbelief, but only the intense curiosity and genuine interest that she actually was feeling.
"Yes," he answered simply. "So do my sisters and my brother. He's watching over all of us now, even though he could barely keep his mind on one of us at a time when we were kids. His spirit was off painting pictures even when he wasn't." A deep, resigned sigh. "But I could never hold it against him for long. He wouldn't let me. He was one of those people that nobody can ever hold anything against." His expression was changing again. Half a smile, then his characteristic gesture when he was about to say or do something that he didn't want to but had to--a slight grimace accompanied by a quick jerk of his chin to the right. "He had the damnedest grin." She pressed her clasped hands to her mouth to keep herself from smiling, not wanting him to ask her why. "Charmed the hell out of everybody, even me. My mother used to say he brought the sun right in with him." Looking at her again: "What's so funny?"
"Noth--I'm not--"
"Your eyes are," he said.
"I don't want to tell you." She lowered her hands, letting the smile spread to her mouth. "Can you live with that?"
"Looks like I'll have to." His own eyes were twinkling now.
"Where did you live before you settled on Dorvan V?"
They got more coffee and finished their muffins while the room filled and then began to empty again. B'Elanna came and went, pausing at their table to ask if it would be convenient for the captain to stop by engineering on her way to the bridge to check in on a project they were working on together. She moved on, and the room began to clear.
Ten minutes to first watch. She had been asking him questions about the parts of North America that he and his family had lived in before emigration to Dorvan V, and was about to ask another one when he held up his hand like a student wanting to ask a question of his own. "My turn?"
"Okay." She sighed. "Sorry." With a small part of her mind, she was aware that Harry Kim was standing alone with a tray, looking around the room at all the empty tables and trying very hard not to look at the one table that was still occupied. Poor kid--
Chakotay shook his head at her apology. No problem. Then, with his gaze full on hers: "What happened to the picture in your ready room?"
Kim looked so lost, she thought, knowing that wasn't the real reason for what she was about to do but unable to stop herself from doing it. "Harry," she said across Chakotay's shoulder, "won't you join us?"
Surprising her completely, Chakotay turned his head and seconded her invitation. Phenomenal reaction time, she noted absently, while the rest of her mind was shouting at herself: Why the hell did you DO that? But she knew why. The question he had asked was one that she was not quite ready to answer, even though she herself had created the situation that triggered it.
Nervous and uneasy, Harry gulped his breakfast in less than five minutes, trying valiantly to "make" conversation in a situation where he could not help but feel tension. When he finally scrambled to his feet and left them, it was almost time for their watch to start.
"I'm sorry," she said as soon as they were alone again. "I shouldn't have done that."
"Maybe next time you won't feel like you have to." His tone was almost matter-of-fact, slightly wistful, and she let out the breath that she had not known she was holding in an audible sigh of relief.
He paused in the act of rising from the table and sat down again. "What was that about?"
"I--think I was afraid you might never ask again."
"You underestimate me." The room was empty except for them, and they could hear Neelix banging pots and pans around in the kitchen. Almost casually, Chakotay brushed her cheek with his fingers. "Have fun with B'Elanna. I'll go mind the store." He swept up his trash, disposed of it, glanced back once over his shoulder with the grin that his father had once brought the sun in with, and then he was gone.
It was 0800, and she should be on her way. But she sat at the table for several moments, simply gazing after him, before she rose slowly and headed for engineering.
B'Elanna was still an enigma to her--like a lovely wild animal not quite tamed. Janeway had often gone out of her way to work with her on projects in which they shared an interest, especially since the incident with the Sikarians. It was not simply a matter of "No hard feelings. Let's pretend it never happened." There were hard feelings--anger, incredulity, and deep disappointment that B'Elanna and especially Tuvok could have betrayed her trust in them. But she knew they both knew that, and could see no point in wearing her pain and outrage like a badge of honor.
Nothing honorable about going around mad all the time.
Having made a decision, she invariably found herself able to act on it without looking back. Tuvok had given her his word, and that was enough. B'Elanna.... However B'Elanna might feel about her, they were both driven by the same desire to do the best possible job at anything they did, and given that and their numerous common interests, a bond was slowly forming between them.
Janeway had wondered from time to time if they would have chosen the one another as personal friends under other circumstances. Yet only a few days ago, while they were analyzing the initial set of samples of free-floating ["Heroes and Demons"-type] particles Voyager had encountered in the sector of the Delta Quadrant they were now passing through, B'Elanna had asked her advice about a personnel problem she was having with one of the Starfleet crew members she was now supervising as chief engineer. Pleased and not a little flattered, Janeway had put aside her scientific analysis and focused on the personal, finding B'Elanna to be an intent listener yet well able to express her own opinion when it differed from the captain's. It had been a good talk, and she now felt more optimistic about B'Elanna's future as a Starfleet officer than she had since before Sikaria.
This morning, though, her mind kept drifting away from the work at hand, until she finally sighed and said, "B'Elanna, I think I'd better get to the bridge." Frowning a little, she went on ruefully, "I can't seem to keep my mind on this today, and I'm afraid I'm going to make errors that you're going to have to clean up after me."
"Captain--" A little startled by the hint of some undefinable emotion in the young woman's tone, Janeway turned to face her directly. "I--ah--need your advice about something." Eager but scared, and trying very hard not to show either. "Could I have just a moment?"
"Of course." Turning back, Janeway seated herself on a stool at the bench at which they had been working, even though neither of them had been sitting down before. "Is it a personnel problem?"
"Yeah, I--suppose you could call it that." Why should she be scared? Janeway wondered. Had she done something--some minor infraction that she thought might get her in trouble again? No. There was that...eagerness there too. Something that she really wanted to get said even though it scared her to think about saying it...? "I have this friend." B'Elanna took a deep breath. "She has something she wants to say to...someone, but she's afraid the other person might take it the wrong way."
"The wrong way?"
"There's rank involved," B'Elanna said, and Janeway realized immediately that this conversation was really about the two people who were having it.
"She could always ask for permission to speak freely," she said evenly.
B'Elanna simply shook her head.
Suddenly apprehensive, Janeway wondered if this could be about her and Chakotay. But surely even B'Elanna wouldn't--
You are not her friend, she reminded herself. You are her commanding officer. But it was too late. There was no way to stop whatever was going to happen next, and it was no one's fault but her own that things had come this far. She had subtly encouraged B'Elanna to think of her as a friend, and now it was time to pay the price, whatever that price might be.
Resigning herself, she simply nodded.
She had expected B'Elanna to take another deep breath, but she didn't. Looking directly at her captain, she spoke quietly with surprising calm.
"Go for it. You'd be a fool not to, and you're no fool."
Heart pounding, fight-or-flight adrenaline surging through her, Janeway rose and folded her arms across her chest in what both of them must know was a self-protective gesture. But she could not stop herself even though there was no resentment, much less malice, in the clear dark eyes that gazed back at her. Just B'Elanna Torres sans Starfleet veneer, tactless and impulsive as ever in spite of the make-over that her captain had been so bloody proud of accomplishing. Probably thinking she was doing her friend Chakotay a favor. And she'd done it with style and imagination. Give her that. Yet Janeway felt as though someone (Herself. I did this to myself) had stripped her naked before her crew.
Breakfast together every day for over month, and she had been fool enough to think nobody knew why?
She had lost control, and she might never get it back.
"As you were, Lieutenant." She heard her own voice--cool, distant, quiet but commanding, and thought, Now we're even. Now I've betrayed her And watched B'Elanna's cheeks flush and her eyes narrow in barely concealed fury. She was almost standing at attention when she answered, and her tone was flat, all trace of the eagerness and even the fear completely gone.
"Yes, ma'am." The fury was diminishing now, and a bitter, all-too-familiar cynicism was taking its place. "I have work to do in main engineering. Permission to leave, Captain?" Janeway nodded again, and B'Elanna was gone.
That morning on the bridge was a waking nightmare. She carried on as usual, signing reports, attending to the ship's business, sure that Chakotay had known as soon as she cleared the lift that there was something terribly wrong and was trying to give her time and space to make up her mind to tell him what it was. She did not tell him what it was. She couldn't. Not even he could understand what it meant to her to be so...exposed, wondering even now whether the bridge crew were as aware as B'Elanna (and who knew who else) was that she was compromising her authority, her very existence as Voyager's captain by crossing the line that no Starfleet captain could afford to cross.
In Command School this kind of situation had been discussed with dispassionate intensity. No exceptions, they had been taught. The captain's first responsibility was to the ship and its crew; any relationship that threatened the single-minded dedication to duty must either be terminated or result in the immediate transfer of "the reciprocating individual" to another ship. (What other ship? WHAT OTHER SHIP?) And she had listened, and believed that was ever going to happen to her. Not to Kathryn Janeway, scientist, pride of the Class of '53, who always knew all the answers to everything. Oh, no. Not to her. Except it had happened. Because she herself had let it happen--
"What's wrong?" Chakotay was asking softly, and she pressed her lips together to keep from doing to him what she had done to B'Elanna.
Not to him. No matter what, not to him.
"Not now," she whispered, keeping her gaze focused on the padd at which she had been staring, unseeing, for the past few minutes. "Please?" She forced herself to finish reading the report and initial it, and then looked up at him. "I'm going to take a long lunch break, Commander. You have the bridge. I'm sure Tuvok can spell you for lunch today." And before he could answer, she rose and moved quickly and purposefully toward the lift.
The long lunch break was not unprecedented. In the months that they had been underway in the Delta Quadrant, they had both come to realize that it served no good purpose for any of the bridge crew to be on duty for eight hours straight with only an hour off for lunch. There simply was not enough happening to keep any of them busy for that length of time, day after day, and boredom could as deadly an enemy as the unexpected anomaly it might cause them to miss seeing until it was too late. And so the rules had been relaxed to allow the bridge crew, who had no maintenance or repair duties to fill up the empty hours, a minimal amount of freedom as to how they spent their duty shifts. As long as their absence had been approved by the captain or the first officer, they were allowed off the bridge for as much as two hours at a time.
Janeway seldom availed herself of the privilege, responding with a smile and a dismissive wave of the hand whenever Chakotay pointed out that she too was a member of the bridge crew. But when she did, it was always to indulge in what she had come to think of as a fly-by inspection of her ship. When she had asked him, Neelix had been more than happy to grant her the use of his cranky little craft as often as she might like. And so, whenever B'Elanna informed her as she had that morning that the warp engines would be off line for maintenance for several hours, the captain would prepare the tiny ship herself and take it out for a run. Seeing Voyager full on from the outside was a rare treat, one that she had not experienced since they had landed the ship several months before. And today she needed to be by herself for a while; her ship was not the only part of her life that she wanted to try to get in perspective.
Once beyond the shuttle port, though, she quickly lost whatever interest she had had in doing a fly-by inspection. Rising above the plane in which Voyager forged slowly ahead at half impulse, she rode the ship's tail, maintaining Neelix's craft at constant speed to keep the engines from balking unexpectedly as was their wont. Feeling for the first time that day that there was no one watching her, she relaxed her hands on the controls and turned her mind to the dilemma at hand.
Can't go forward, and can't go back.
She knew without the slightest doubt that there was no way to undo what had come into being between her and her first officer, nothing to be done short of flinging themselves around the sun and into the past to arrange history so that they would never meet. And she also knew that she would not have chosen to do that even if it were possible.
Yet they could not keep going the way they were going. It simply was not an option--not for two Starfleet officers in their position.
Can't go forward, and can't go back....
"What I need right now," she muttered aloud, "is a ship's counselor." Someone not directly involved. Someone who knew her and Chakotay and their crew well. Someone who could be at once objective and empathetic. Someone even the captain could talk to, could trust without question--
Voyager took off at what she judged to be point seven or eight impulse, and at the same time, her communicator spoke in Chakotay's voice: "Captain, return to the ship." No Chakotay to Janeway? Tense. Stressed. No time? "We're in dang--" Her communicator went to static as she reflexively pushed the small craft toward full impulse.
The engines balked and the little ship bucked, refusing momentarily to increase its speed. And then, for just a moment, there was nothing around her and she was nowhere.
Dizzy and disoriented, she came to herself facing a set of controls that she had never seen before. And below and in front of her was a vaguely familiar ship much smaller than Voyager.
Neither craft was moving.
Her hand went to her chest, where her Starfleet communicator should have been. There was no communicator, and....
Looking down at herself, she gasped aloud. She was not in uniform, but wore civilian clothes--dark pants, a long-sleeved shirt that billowed about her slender arms and cuffed them at the wrist, and a belted, sleeveless wine-colored tunic that looked like it had seen better days. All of her clothes looked much-worn; her cuffs were threadbare and the low boots were scuffed. But what astonished her the most was that she could see the ends of her own hair--blunt-cut and shorter than it had been, but still long enough to spread across the shoulders of her tunic. And she could feel the headband behind her ears, binding her hair back from her face.
She did not own a headband.
And the ship below and in front of her was becoming more and more familiar the longer she looked at it. It was Chakotay's ship--the Maquis ship that he had flown into the Kazon vessel that was threatening Voyager, completely destroying the smaller ship.
Almost a year ago. Immolated. And yet there it was, whole and intact.
She knew now what Chakotay had been trying to warn her about: some sort of anomaly that had registered on Voyager's sensors but that she, in Neelix's ship, had no way of sensing. All the signs were there. She was no longer in her own universe, but it a parallel one where....
Where Voyager was the ship that had been destroyed?
She pressed her hands to her mouth, closing her eyes against the tears. Her ship. Chakotay...?
But that was his ship floating out there against the stars. If she was here, out of uniform, then he must be....
"He must be," she said aloud, and her own voice, sounding like a prayer, snapped her back to reality.
She was talking nonsense. Thinking nonsense. If indeed she had somehow been transferred to a parallel universe, there was no one in it, dead or alive, that she knew.
First step: find out for sure.
The craft in which she sat was some kind of small shuttle, very nearly as ancient as Neelix's ship although considerably better maintained. The controls were labeled in Standard (parallel evolution of language? she wondered, and then put her curiosity and her excitement firmly aside). It would not be at all difficult to pilot the short distance to what appeared to be a shuttle port at the aft end of the Maquis ship.
And then what?
They would let her dock. And then....
What?
Chakotay's counterpart. Failing that, B'Elanna's. One of them would probably be there, and she would need to take someone into her confidence if she were ever going to get home.
And she would get home. Impossible conundrum or not, there was no doubt in her mind as to where she wanted to spend the rest of her life
During the few hours that Chakotay's ship had cruised off Voyager's starboard bow, Voyager's captain had had little time to pay attention to what it looked like. Now, approaching it from behind, she wondered how much longer it would last. Probably not long enough to get back to the Alpha Quadrant. It was roughly the same vintage as Neelix's ship, about forty standard years old, and badly in need of a maintenance overhaul.
Chakotay was waiting for her, entering the shuttle bay as soon as it was repressurized and lounging against the airlock.
Not Chakotay, she told herself, her heart beginning to pound with apprehension. There was no one in this universe, alive or dead, that she knew. Make no assumptions. Take no chances. To all intents and purposes, this was a first contact situation.
Following the accidental displacement of certain Starfleet personnel into yet another alternate universe, Starfleet had developed strict protocols to cover such a situation. If possible, delay self-identification until the situation could be evaluated for potential dangers. If possible, choose a liaison and identify yourself only to that person, who must then be asked for input into the decision as to who else would be apprised of your presence in lieu of your double. Above all, ask no questions, give no answers, make no statements about any subject not directly involved in returning to your own universe. The Prime Directive must apply. Given the facts reported by the DS9 crew members after their own such experience, James T. Kirk's well-meant meddling several decades before had spelled disaster to the society whose development he'd influenced....
Yet another alternate universe? Why had she thought that? For all she knew, this might be the same one that her predecessors had visited.
Except it wasn't. Looking at the man who stood grinning at her as she disembarked, she knew that this was no grotesque, perverted image. This was Chakotay as he would be now if...if Voyager had been destroyed and all of them had ended up on his ship instead of hers.
All of them? There wasn't room for even half of Voyager's crew--
"All spaced out?" he asked, and she thought: Private joke. She knew that look--as though he couldn't get enough of just looking at her. And before she could stop herself, she smiled.
"Yes," she said quietly. "Ch--"
"C'mon, I want to show you something." He gestured toward the airlock, beckoning with his other hand. Right now, she thought. Tell him right now. Don't wait. But the shuttle bay was a public area; someone could come in at any time. Reluctantly, she followed him out, inwardly cursing her lack of knowledge of his ship. Where the hell could they go where they would not be interrupted?
No sooner had the airlock closed behind them than she had cause to wish that she had not waited to tell him who she was.
"B'Elanna found something on her sensors that she thinks our science officer ought to take look at." Science officer? But before she could decide whether she dared voice that question, he hooked his arm around her neck as they walked, pulling her against him. The warm yet casual intimacy of his gesture startled her less than it virtually broke her heart with envy. So that's the way it was with them here. Already. And not recently, judging by--
His lips, soft and warm, brushed her earlobe. Then he blew gently in her hear, sending shivers all over her. Yet, ironically and inexplicably, it was at that moment that she fully and finally realized that this double was not the man that her body and spirit ached for.
Putting both hands on his chest, she pushed as hard as she could without hurling him, unsuspecting and relaxed, against the bulkhead. Even so, he very nearly lost his balance, staggering backward and striking his elbow so hard that she winced in empathy.
"Commander." Folding her arms, she tried to keep her voice steady: "I'm not the person you think I am. Please--is there somewhere we can talk privately?"
For a moment he simply stared, reflexively rubbing his elbow, eyes darkening with apprehension in a face suddenly gone sallow. "What's wrong?" he whispered, and she swallowed a half-sob. Almost the last words that her Chakotay had said to her. But this was not her Chakotay, and "Not now" was not an option.
"I'm Kathryn Janeway, captain of the Federation starship Voyager. There's been some kind of an inter-universe substitution. I think my counterpart in this universe must be...where I came from."
His initial expression almost unnerved her completely. For just an instant, he was a man whose worst fears had come true, looking at a woman who had suddenly lost her mind. Then, just as quickly, the panic was gone, and she thought, He knows me. He can tell I'm rational just by looking at me. But she had no time to explore the implications of that insight.
Grabbing her arm, he propelled her a short distance down the dark, narrow corridor. Just as she collected herself and began to resist, a door in the bulkhead slid open and then closed behind them. She had the fleeting impression of a relatively small room with tables and chairs--recreational facility?--now deserted. Dingy and dark. And then he had grabbed her by her upper arms as though she were his lifeline.
"TALK to me!" His eyes were black now, and his face devoid of color. "Where is she? What's happening to her?"
With one swift, upward movement of her arms, she knocked his up and out, permitting her instinctive response to take over until he could regain his composure.
For a moment he stood perfectly still, simply staring at her. Remembering her own shock and disorientation when she had realized, in the shuttle, what had happened to her, she did not move again as he slowly backed away from her, still staring. "I'm sorry." Dazed, but obviously sincere.
She nodded mutely as he backed away a little farther, reached for a chair as though he were moving in a dream, straddled it, sat down, and motioned for her to sit as well. Horrified and fascinated, he couldn't take his eyes off her. But his color was beginning to come back, and he was no longer on the verge of hyperventilating.
"Do your--are your instructions to establish a liaison?" he asked finally. When she permitted herself a heartfelt sigh of relief, he smiled slightly. "Captain Janeway, I am sorry. I'm--sure you can appreciate that I'm concerned for the safety of my science officer."
His science officer.
Would you have served under me....?
Only questions having to do with returning to your own universe, she told herself firmly. But unless she were to return within the next few minutes, there were certain things she had to know.
"Is she your first officer?"
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "No. It doesn't work that way here. All the senior officers report directly to me." Frowning now, he paused for a long moment, studying her intently. "I mean," he said finally, "to us. Here, she--your counterpart and I are...partners." The last word was only a whisper.
The word sent a thrill through her, half horror and half longing. This isn't a Starfleet vessel. They don't have to worry about who's watching....
"Can you tell me anything at all about what happened?" he was asking.
She told him all she knew, including the fact that her first officer had tried to warn her. "He said 'we' were in danger. He must have meant Voyager too. Did your ship's sensors picked up anything?"
"B'Elanna thought she saw something anomalous. That's why she wanted to talk to y--I mean--"
"In engineering?" He explained that there was no "engineering" as such. B'Elanna's station was on the bridge, next to his; she had the conn at the moment. "Do you recommend that we tell her what's happened?"
"Recommend?" he asked softly, and their gaze held.
"Commander," she said finally, "Starfleet protocol specifies that the liaison be asked for 'input' on which of the senior officers or their equivalent should be apprised of my presence here."
"I know the rules, Captain."
"Good. Then I--" In spite of the gravity of the situation, she could not help smiling a little. "I respectfully suggest that you stand down yellow alert." His mouth twitched, but he did not answer. "Now, which members of Voyager's crew are aboard this ship?"
The answering smile died out of his eyes, and he looked away. Waiting for him to answer, she fought against the foreboding that threatened to overwhelm her. Not many. There'd only be room for--
"Just my science officer and my tactical officer."
Not my crew, she thought desperately, closing her eyes in the effort to maintain control. It wasn't my crew. Aloud she asked huskily, "Tuvok?"
"Yes. And, yes--I know what he was doing here."
Then it must have been after, she thought. After the three Maquis officers had beamed aboard Voyager. And after...? But why only she and Tuvok? Unless something had happened to her--to Voyager while Tuvok and her counterpart were on the array....
She heard a faint movement and opened her eyes, only to discover that they were cloudy with unshed tears. "This is insane," she muttered aloud, and then realized what it was that she had heard. Still seated, he had reached out his right hand to her over the back of his chair. Grasping it with her left, she blinked away her tears and then released it. "Sorry."
"It wasn't your crew," he said gently. "It was hers."
"I know." How did she deal with it? But she could not ask that question; it had nothing to do with how she would get back. "Okay. B'Elanna, then. And Tuvok. He'll know anyway. He knows me--her too well for me to fool him for long." How long? What was the next step? Was there any place on this shaggy dog of a ship where she could be alone and THINK? "You and I can't stay in here forever, Commander. I think you'd better tell me enough about this ship for me to find my way to m--the science officer's quarters until--" Until what?
He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "I think it might be better if we get B'Elanna and Tuvok down here first. The four of us can talk this through, and then I'll--make some arrangements." She could tell that he wanted to look away, but he did not.
"It's a relatively small ship," she said evenly. "You must have to share quarters."
"Yes. But she and I didn't have to. We wanted to."
After a moment, she asked, "For how long?"
"Almost since the beginning." Still he did not look away, and there was entreaty in his gaze now, and in his voice. "Will they lock her up over there?"
Aware that he had changed the subject at least partially to save them both further embarrassment, she scrambled mentally to follow his lead, thrusting away her burning envy. "I can't think why my first officer would want to do that."
He nodded absently, not completely relieved. "Who is it? Tuvok?"
"No." Answer, she thought. Who's in command over there is relevant to my getting back. Answer him. "It's--Chakotay. We've served together as captain and first officer since...since the beginning."
For a moment he simply stared at her. Then he nodded slowly. "Deus ex machina. A full-dress copout. How convenient for him."
She had no idea what he was talking about, and his tone was meditative rather than insulting. But she had been on the raw for a little too long, and now something snapped inside her and all the emotions that had been churning there erupted.
"What gives you the right to pass judgment on him?" She kept her voice low, not wanting to be overheard by anyone who might be passing in the corridor. But a memory flashed through her mind--Mark, on one of the rare occasions when she had become angry at him, laughing and quoting: ...And dangerous lightning. Take cover.... She ignored the memory. And Prime Directive be damned. "I don't know what you think you know about him, but he is the finest officer I've ever served with." Barely aware of what she was saying, she went on chewing him out as though he were a cabin boy, expecting at any moment to be faced with his answering wrath.
But it never came. He simply watched her, and as she finally began to wind down, a hint of a smile touched his eyes. And when she was silent, all he said was, "Right."
* * *
Personal logs, recorded Stardate 49635.6
TUVOK:
In the twenty-three point seven hours since Captain Janeway entered this universe, her ability to convince Commander Chakotay's Maquis crew that she is her counterpart has been amply demonstrated. One cannot help but speculate as to which human traits make it possible for those of her race to dissemble so convincingly. Once the Commander had shown her around the ship, even I, who knew her counterpart well, am barely conscious of the stress under which she is presently operating.
It was fortunate, however, that no one was observing us except Commander Chakotay and Lieutenant Torres when the Captain faced me for the first time in the recreation area where Chakotay had requested my presence. I believe that, had I been human, she would have embraced me once Chakotay had told me who she really is. As it was, there were tears in her eyes when she greeted me in my native language: "Live long and prosper, Tuvok. It pleases me to see thee well." I must admit that I too was moved; for a moment, the past year ceased to exist, and I was once again in the presence of Voyager's commanding officer.
[Tape runs in silence for a few moments.]
Oddly enough, however, she appears easily able to mitigate her command presence on this ship, just as her counterpart was able to do. At the time, I assumed that the Kathryn Janeway in this universe was distracted by her grief for Voyager's crew, as indeed she was. But this woman's ship is presumably intact in the universe from which she came, yet her behavior is essentially the same as the other's was: dignified and authoritative, yet in no way suggesting that she is the sole commander of this ship. I...admire her ability to retain her command presence without appearing insubordinate toward Commander Chakotay.
[Again a silence, this one somewhat longer than the other.]
One is tempted to speculate on her relationship with the Chakotay in her own universe, given that he is now her first officer on Voyager. Her choice was the logical one: he outranks my counterpart, and his authority with the Maquis crew members is unquestioned. Starfleet protocol no doubt precludes the...type of relationship engaged in by the commanding officers on this ship.
[Short silence.]
However, speculation in this area is not logical and serves no constructive purpose.
TORRES:
I think this must be the longest day and a half that I've ever spent. [Sound of footsteps, as though someone is pacing the floor.] She's not here now. Damn her--I bet she's thinks she's being GENEROUS letting me have a few minutes alone in my own quarters before turning in. Those Starfleet types always think they're doing you a favor even when they're shafting you. I don't WANT to be alone! I want my own roommate here to shoot the breeze with. But Chakotay had to go and put Seska on third watch so that Her Highness would have someplace to sleep besides with him. Ha! The hell with the both of 'em. I don't think she slept a wink in here last night, and it serves her right.
She certainly knows her quantum theory. I'll give her that. But then our Janeway does too, so I shouldn't be surprised. When I was explaining how we know that the next window of opportunity will appear tomorrow, she was right with me all the way, even though Chakotay and Tuvok went belly-up after a few minutes. But when she started calling me B'Elanna, I blew my stack. It's like she thinks she KNOWS me or something! How could she POSSIBLY know anything about me? No way in HELL could HER B'Elanna Torres have told her anything about herself. The captain of the Voyager thinks she knows everything already, right? And how much contact would she have with an ex-Maquis stuck on Voyager in some low-level...well...so I'm the chief engineer over there. Big deal. I'd ask her how that all happened, but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of thinking I give a damn.
Funny how she looks at Seska. Our Janeway doesn't like her, but they work well together because they respect each other's expertise. But this one--it's like she knows something about Seska that we don't know, and it almost...scares her. [Silence] Oh, well. If her bloody Prime Directive won't let her spill the beans, I guess we can live with it, what ever it is....
CHAKOTAY
Well, they've done it. Between them, B'Elanna and the captain of the Voyager have figured out that the anomaly that caused all this will recur at regular intervals. We missed the window today because we weren't ready for it yet. But tomorrow, we will be.
Everything depends on whether my counterpart will risk staying in this sector, even though there's some danger that Voyager--or my ship--or both of us--could be drawn into the other universe just like the smaller vessels were. I have no doubt that he'll take the risk, and I don't think SHE has either. But it's almost as though part of her wants to believe that she doesn't mean as much to him as Kathryn does to me.
When she asked me why I'm so sure he'd stay around and take the risk, I just said, "Because I want my Kathryn home." I don't think I'll ever forget the expression on her face--longing and jealousy and outright hunger. She asked what makes me think that everything is the same over there as it is here, called it an unsupported assumption. I couldn't help smiling at that, and I said my assumption was based on observable phenomena. She knew damn well that I meant her manner when she talks about him, but luckily we were interrupted before she could chew me out.
She's about as conflicted as she can be, and I have to keep telling myself that there's absolutely nothing I can or should try to do about it. As long as she doesn't want to discuss him openly with me, I won't push it. But if she should change her mind, I can't make myself believe that the way things still are with them over there is the way things ought to be in any universe.
* * *
Not surprisingly, Janeway found herself virtually unable to sleep for the second night in a row. The entire ship still seemed cramped and stuffy to her, the quarters she shared with Torres stiflingly tiny. Janeway had not shared a room on shipboard with anyone since she was a junior officer, but there were simply no other options open. In any case, sharing quarters with someone who did not know who she really was would have been unthinkable.
Torres was as clean as a cat, but articles of clothing and other possessions still littered the cramped room; she spent a great deal of her time muttering and cursing in Klingon, and she often ground her teeth in her sleep. Telling herself grimly that the situation was temporary and her detente with this Torres tenuous at best, Janeway had resisted the impulse to initiate yet another shouting match about something as fundamentally inconsequential as the litter or the muttering. But the teeth-grinding was more than she could bear tonight.
Wondering if her own B'Elanna, now apparently so calm and efficient on the job, still or ever had spent the night sounding like she was chewing data solids, Janeway rose from her bunk and put her stockinged feet carefully on the floor. But it was no use; the edges of the two bunks were barely two meters apart, and as she picked up one of her boots, her fingers slipped and there was a soft plop as the boot hit the deck. Instantly, Torres shot to a sitting position, glaring.
"What the HELL are you doing?" In spite of the suddenness of her awakening, Torres' voice held no fear; Janeway had the sensation of having poked a snake and had it wake up hissing.
"Calm down, B'Elanna." Taking care to move slowly but without apparent nervousness, Janeway picked up each boot and slipped her foot into it. "By tomorrow night you'll be rid of me and have Seska back in here."
"I told you." Eyes narrow now, voice trembling with barely-suppressed rage: "Don't CALL me that! What the hell gives you the right--"
Janeway held up her hand for silence, and to her surprise, Torres stopped in mid-sentence. "Sorry. I was thinking about your..." She smiled faintly. "...Your evil twin, and it just slipped out." Rising and moving toward the door, she was startled to hear Torres speak in an entirely different tone.
"Do you call her that?" Her tone was faintly curious, but mostly disbelieving.
"Sometimes." Impatient to be out and gone, Janeway forced herself to turn around. The woman was sharing her space with a stranger she despised; she deserved minimal courtesy. "B'Elanna. Lieutenant. Whatever's appropriate at the time."
"Lieutenant?" With a pang of something she could not define, Janeway watched this Torres twist up her face in exactly the same way that B'Elanna did when she was incredulous. But the incredulity was quickly replaced by a sneer. "How sweet. 'Jump, Lieutenant.'? And what does she say? 'How high, Captain?'"
Janeway sighed. "Give it up, will you? We've already had this conversation." The door swished open and she stepped out, frowning, trying to decide what it was that she had felt in the moment when this B'Elanna had looked so much like....
Homesickness.
Well, that would be taken care of soon enough. She stepped out briskly down the narrow dark corridor and then slowed her pace. There were two small recreation areas, but it was barely 1100; crew members would still be about. In truth, she really had nowhere to go and nothing to do except walk the halls and brood.
I want my Kathryn home....
Wrenching her thoughts elsewhere, she tried to concentrate on her surroundings, since there was nothing else to concentrate on at the moment. Everything looked dirty. The poor lighting was partially responsible, and the dark bulkheads didn't help. She knew that there was actually no dirt. Whatever self-cleaning apparatus this rust bucket possessed, Chakotay apparently saw to it that it was kept in good running order. The whole ship smelled slightly moldy, but she had yet to find a flat surface that--
...Based on, um, observable phenomena....
Damn him. DAMN the man....
In the act of running her finger absently along a narrow, elbow-high bulkhead molding, she realized that she was not alone. Someone had turned the corner behind her, and she rolled her eyes in exasperated recognition as a familiar voice asked, "Need a white glove, Captain?"
"No. Thank you, Commander." She turned to face him, thinking, If this tub were mine and I were he, how would I feel if somebody -- But he was grinning, obviously amused, with only a spark of irritation somewhere behind his dark eyes. "I was thinking about something else, not about what I was doing." And then another thought came to her, staggering in its implications and in the risks involved. But every Starfleet captain knew that often their best decisions were made from one second to the next, and with the risk factor at its greatest. "I was thinking about observable phenomena" she went on, hoping that her voice wouldn't begin to shake as reality set in. "Can we talk about that?"
The grin faded to a shadow. "I'm not sure you really want to know," he said quietly.
"Don't tell me what I want to know, okay?" Now that she had made the decision, she felt sure it was the right one. "You're the only one in either universe I can talk to about this."
"There's one other." Now the grin was completely gone.
"She isn't here, and she never will be while I am. I'm here. So are you. Are you game or not?"
"She isn't the one I meant," he said, frowning a little. "Captain, it's still second watch. There'll be people in the canteen where we talked before. The only place we can talk privately now is in my quarters. Are you game?" Now there was nothing in his gaze but a reflection of the challenge she had given him.
"I guess I better be." She answered before she could change her mind. "I don't know where you live, Commander. Lead the way."
She had noticed the ladder leading to the deck above, but had not had anyone to ask where it went. When he stood aside to let her precede him, she placed her hands on one of the rungs and was about to turn and ask exactly what part of the ship they were heading toward. But before she could speak he said lightly, "After you, Katydid. And watch out for the dog."
The shock that passed through her was so strong that for an instant she thought the ladder under her hands was current-protected. Jerking backwards, she almost stepped on his foot. But even as she whirled to face him, remembered images swarming through her mind, he stepped nimbly away.
Boothby. The white tower at the edge of the Academy campus. The illusion of Littebit's presence. The eye of a cigarette glowing in the darkness under the wall's overhang....
"That was you." She spoke barely above a whisper.
"Uh-uh." Now he stood with hands on hips, but lower and more relaxed than hers would have been on hers. Then they both spoke in unison--he in the level, steady tone he had used when he had explained where they could talk, she still in a whisper: "It was him."
After a long moment, she said, "The Kolvoord Starburst. You were Nova Squadron commander in '54. It was on your record." He started to shake his head--not in denial, she realized, but in an effort to stop her. "The dog--."
"I can't answer questions like that. You'll have to ask him."
"Then why did you bring this up, dammit!" Confusion and frustration combined to raise the volume level of her voice, although not enough to be heard by anyone who was not actually in the corridor with them. When he spoke, his voice was as loud and nearly as angry as hers.
"Because there are things you need to hear, dammit! You started this. Do we see it through, or do we stop right here?" With one of his quick, coordinated movements, he pointed up the ladder and then jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "Your choice."
Without a word, she turned again and began to climb.
As she had suspected, the cabin he had chosen for himself was tucked away at the aft end of the ship's upper deck, accessible only by the ladder from the crew's quarters below. He had obviously sacrificed privacy in his comings and goings for the same in his location--possibly after he and.... Stop, she thought. Just stop. Right now.
The hatch had to be pulled open, but it was in the bulkhead rather than the deck. Clearing the ladder, she could see the entire cabin all too clearly--what there was of it: no larger than the one she and Torres reluctantly shared, but with only one bunk, and that only about half again as wide as those in the double crew's quarters on the deck below. If two adults slept there together, they would have to curl up--
A wave of overwhelming envy and sexual longing rolled through her, so strong that she had to set her teeth again. Worse, he was still on the ladder, looking up into her face, and she knew without question that he had seen her change of expression for what it was.
Now tight-lipped, she moved to the small table in the corner which apparently served as his desk, trying not to further invade his space by inspecting the objects on it. Tapes, a few papers, a carved rock or two, the significance of which was incomprehensible to her, and there was barely enough light to see them by. If two adults were living here together, no wonder her counterpart needed to "space out" in the shuttle once in while.
As she pulled out the wobbly desk chair and sat, she looked up, realizing for the first time that the faint illumination in the cabin came from a fairly sizable port high up on the hull-side bulkhead opposite the hatch. So that too was why he chose to climb up to this space-faring tree house with barely enough room in it to take a deep breath. The light in the room was starlight.
He must have done something then to activate the artificial lighting, which came on with a sullen yellow glow that was perfectly suited to the dinginess of their surroundings. Sighing a little, she waited until he sat on the edge of his bunk before demanding, "All right. What it is I need to hear?"
"I thought we were going to talk." He leaned forward a little, clasping his hands loosely between his knees. "As in conversation." At her questioning look: "That sounded a lot like, "'Report, mister."
"Please don't DO that!" Sitting sideways on the chair, she hit the back of it lightly with her closed fist, her gaze holding his, her voice low but intense. "What I'm doing is hard for me, and I don't give a good goddamn what I sound like. You're the captain of this ship, and I'm ... your reluctant guest. I've tried as hard as I can to treat you with the respect you deserve, and I think it's time you quit second-guessing me on that."
For a long moment he simply gazed back at her, his expression unreadable. Then: "I think you're right." Abruptly, he grinned and gestured toward the floor. "You know, of course, that what we're about to do here is going to scatter what's left of the Prime Directive all over this floor."
"I'm not so sure of that. Don't you think it's possible that these inter-universe crossovers are part of what's meant to be? I've learned things here about the Maquis members of my crew that I'd never have known if this hadn't happened to me, and I can't quite believe that none of it was meant to happen. Now--what is it that you think I need to hear about Chakotay and me?"
He was silent for a while, thinking. Then: "What you need to hear about is a kid who went up to the tower that night to sneak a couple of cigarettes because he was at odds with himself and everybody on the planet that he really cared about. You sat there with the light shining over you--were you wearing something blue?"
Fascinated by the longest speech she had ever heard him make, she whispered, "I don't remem-- Yes. It was a tunic with pockets. I needed the pockets for--"
"One cigarette and an ashtray." It was her turn to gaze back in silence. How could he possibly have remembered? "We--you and he shared his second one."
"Yes." She realized that she was shivering, and hugged herself to ward off a chill that came from nowhere in this hot, stuffy room.
"You couldn't see him, but he could see you--then, and for a long time afterward. Perched on the edge of his life like...." He smiled a little, but it was a wistful smile this time. "Until he saw you again on the bridge of your ship a year ago. For him, it began all over again right then."
"What began?" But it was hard for her to meet his gaze now.
"Observable phenomena. Isn't that what this--conversation is about?" Faint sarcasm again, but only very faint, and this time quickly suppressed. "Didn't you ever wonder why he agreed to be your first officer?"
"I thought you had that all figured out," she said bitterly. "Some kind of a copout, I believe?"
"That was yesterday." He rose abruptly and stood with his back to her, gazing up at the stars, running one hand through his cropped hair as though he were still somewhat bewildered. "I've had time to think since then. We aren't faced with...intimations of duality very often. Makes you wonder." He was silent for a while, no longer moving restlessly. "I've been trying to imagine what he was thinking and feeling when he agreed to be your first officer."
"You must have figured out by now that it was his ship that was destroyed."
"Has it ever occurred to you," he asked softly, "that he and his people could have destroyed you any time during this past year?"
"Not bloody likely." Silence, seeping outward into the very corners of the room. "Yes, of course it's occurred to me. He's chosen to..." What? Obey? Submit? What?
"He's chosen to give you his allegiance," said the stranger with his face.
"Me? Don't you mean Katydid?"
"No." He turned to face her. "That's where it started--why it started. But I don't think it's been that for a long time now. And I don't believe you do either."
Can't go forward, and can't go back.
Feeling as though she was up against a wall that she could not see, she gestured toward the bunk: "Is that why she sleeps with you? To prove her 'allegiance'?" She heard an echo of Torres' sneer in her voice, and regretted it immediately.
The fury that leaped into his eyes was almost feral. But all he said was, "No."
"I'm sorry," she said, her voice suddenly empty and almost toneless. "I don't believe that. I only said it because I'm so jealous of what she has with you. Because I--can't have it with him."
After a moment, he said almost conversationally, "You mean won't."
Again she struck the back of the chair with her fist. "I mean what I SAY I mean."
In almost a single movement, he reclaimed his place on the edge of his bunk, this time leaning forward with an aura she had never seen him display. And in memory she heard the words, I'm trying to help you. I'm sorry you don't see that. "You could have it all for the taking."
"There is no 'all' for me, Commander! Surely you can understand that. I'm the captain there. You know what that means. You were a Starfleet officer once. I can't risk losing the respect of my people by--by--."
"What people?" Now there was almost a sadness in his gaze. "Him?"
"No," she answered without hesitation, and saw his faint smile again.
"Score one for the good guys." Then, quickly: "You're right. It's not. I'm sorry." Again there was a silence. "What people, then?"
"My crew." Yet the only memory that would come to mind was B'Elanna, trying to be a friend and overstepping. "They're a Starfleet crew. How can we expect them to follow Starfleet protocol if we don't? If the rules get blurry, their safety--the safety of the ship itself could be jeopardized."
"Your ship is in more danger right now than it could ever be if you and he were together." She had bowed her head against her hands, folded tightly on the back of the chair, but now it came up with a snap. "You're expending an incredible amount of your attention and energy trying to deal with this...problem. For all I know, he is too--possibly only because you are."
"If you're right, what does he see that I don't see?"
"That everything's changed," he said quietly. "That everything's new. That your Voyager might never make it home--anymore than this ship will."
"He wants to get home as much as I do. He's told me that."
"There's often a difference between what we want and what's probably going to happen. How many more years are you going to wait to admit that, make a decision about the way you want to live, and act on it?"
"I made that decision when I joined Starfleet."
"We're not in Kansas any more, Captain."
His tone was both wry and gentle, and she could not help laughing--a short, painful sound more like a sob.
Covering her mouth, she shook her head and looked away. There were no tears now. She was too tired to cry, almost too tired to talk.
He rose, drew her to her feet, and held her silently, her cheek against his shoulder. A day and a half ago, she thought, this would have been unthinkable. Now it seemed like the most natural thing in the universe.
"I'm going to go find someplace to put my feet up." Drawing away, he met her gaze directly. "And you're going to lie down here and get a good night's sleep with nobody to disturb you." When she began to speak, he shook his head. "That's an order, Captain." Smiling faintly, he pressed her shoulder briefly. "Sleep well." And before she could object, he was gone, lowering the lights before he let himself out the hatch and closed it behind him.
She would have thought that she could not sleep on that bed. But she was asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow, and did not wake until the ship's day cycle began.
It was almost time.
On the bridge of the ship that had been her only home for almost two Standard days, Kathryn Janeway watched the rest of the Maquis bridge crew for their reactions to Chakotay's unapologetic, almost casual, "Tuvok, you have the conn." As Tuvok moved from his station to Chakotay's just-vacated chair, she spoke quietly to him.
"They accept you completely, even though they know you were a spy a year ago. That's quite a tribute."
Frowning slightly, Tuvok managed to raise one eyebrow at the same time. "Perhaps. But Commander Chakotay and your counterpart were highly instrumental in that acceptance. The loyalty and solidarity of the crew is largely a function of the behavior of its command officers."
Conflicting thoughts raced through her mind. His words sounded like a warning; she had the distinct impression that he was trying to tell her something about the "behavior" of the command officers on this ship. (Or on her ship?) And yet he spoke of the loyalty and solidarity of a crew commanded by two individuals who were far more than partners-in-command. Could he too be conflicted?
"Thank you, Tuvok. I'll keep it in mind." The words sounded more ironic than she had intended, and his frown deepened.
"This is not a Starfleet vessel, Captain." She started slightly at the honorific, but he was speaking so softly now that even she could barely hear him.
"I get the message, my friend," she whispered, and watched the eyebrows fly. Then, in Vulcan. "Live long and prosper."
"Peace and long life, Captain Janeway." The dark eyes met her gaze for a moment, and then moved away. Conflicted, all right. As his counterpart would be if....
In the lift, Chakotay asked, "Are you all right?"
"I feel a little like Schrodinger's cat," she confessed ruefully. "I won't know if I'm dead or alive until somebody looks at me."
"Be a Nonobjectivist," he answered gently. "The most involved observer on both sides is an optimist."
Their gaze held, and no longer smiling, she said, "You love each other."
"Oh, yes." No fanfare. Just a simple, heartfelt affirmation.
"And that makes everything all right."
"Oh, no." The grin was mostly in his eyes, but she couldn't help grinning back.
The shuttle bay had seemed small to her when she had docked in it, but not nearly as small as this. The little ship was almost like a cork stuck in a bottle, and for a moment she felt as though she was going to have trouble breathing. Relax, she told herself. Either it works or it doesn't. There is nothing more you can do. Nothing nothing nothing. Oddly enough, the thought calmed her as it would not have done a few days before.
B'Elanna was there before them. Before she could inventory the many reasons for not asking, Janeway spoke to her. "Do you dislike her as much as you dislike me?"
Chakotay glanced quickly from her to Torres as though he half-expected them to leap at one another, claws unsheathed. But Torres simply glowered.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because she never tried to pull rank on this ship."
"Neither have I."
"No," B'Elanna agreed bitterly. "But you would have. Sooner or later."
"You're so sure of that."
"Yeah. I can tell by the way you say 'on MY ship.' Her ship blew up, and that pretty much knocked the Starfleet out of her, I guess. She was just one of us from the beginning. You never could be."
"Torres," Chakotay said without any particular emphasis, "shut the hell up."
"Yes, sir." Her tone was not insolent, let alone insubordinate. Matter-of-fact, non-committal--even though Janeway had never heard her call him sir before. How could they function like this? she wondered. How do you know the rules when there are no rules, when the sands are shifting all the time? Her Chakotay would never speak to B'Elanna like that. But it was her Chakotay, not this one, who had decked Dalby.... "Are you ready, Captain?" Still matter-of fact.
"Yes."
"Fine. Then let's--"
"I want to thank you for all you've done, B'La--Lieutenant."
"No, you don't. You just think you ought to. And I am not a lieutenant." The anger and resentment began to surface again. "Tell me just one thing. How did you happen to make her the chief engineer on...'my ship'?"
Janeway rolled her eyes and jerked her head toward Chakotay. "Somebody twisted my arm."
Chakotay startled them both by bursting into delighted laughter. Suddenly, and for just an instant, the two of them were grinning at each other. It was Torres who looked away first, wiping the grin.
"Not to rush you or anything, Captain, but I suggest we get this show on the road before our window comes and goes."
Chakotay moved with her to the shuttle's hatch. Once there, she turned to him and gave him her hands in silence. Squeezing them for a moment, he kissed her cheek. "Don't take seventy years to get home, Kathryn." The words whispered close to her ear barely stirred the air. "Not with your heart's home sitting right in the next chair." He stepped back, releasing her hands, and the last thing she saw before the hatch closed was his hand sketching the shadow of a salute.
The inter-universe disorientation seemed to last longer this time, perhaps because she expected it. Yet she welcomed it as well, knowing what it portended. And when she came to herself, she was in Neelix's ship, in uniform, gazing down on Voyager, silver in starlight.
Her ship blew up....
She had expected to weep when she saw it again, but she did not. Strangely, she felt more calm than she ever had in her life.
"Janeway to Chakotay."
"I'm here, Captain."
At the sound of his voice, the tears threatened. But she had no trouble controlling them.
He and B'Elanna were waiting for her in the shuttle bay. Voyager's shuttle bay. Both of them in uniform. She had never noticed before how utterly beautiful those uniforms were.
Without hesitation, she went into his arms. She had imagined that their first embrace would be an erotic one, yet they simply hugged each other tightly, almost oblivious to B'Elanna's startled look, quickly followed by the deliberate shifting of her gaze toward the ceiling.
"Welcome home," he said huskily, and they moved apart, hands still touching.
"You didn't get pulled into the rift. That means they didn't either." She looked questioningly at B'Elanna as her hands and Chakotay's reluctantly parted company.
"That's a safe guess." With studied nonchalance, B'Elanna permitted her gaze to return to the captain and the first officer. "Captain, I'm sorry we didn't warn you in time. It all happened so--"
"I know." Janeway put her hand on the young woman's arm. "B'Elanna--thank you." This one, at least, would not snap her head off or hurl accusations. "For everything," she added. Two days late, but hopefully not too late.
Visibly pleased, B'Elanna gestured toward the shuttle. "Just doing my job, Captain. And--." She looked away briefly and then returned her gaze to Janeway's. "'Everything' was out o' line."
"Yes, it was." Janeway's hand tightened. "But thank you anyway."
Now totally bewildered, B'Elanna stared, her face twisting in perplexity. Yes, Janeway thought. It's going to be confusing for a while. For all of us. But we're not in Kansas any more, and that means a whole new set of ground rules to work toward--whatever they might be.
After B'Elanna had left them, she and Chakotay moved toward the lift, she with a half-smile and he with a puzzled half-frown. "Was that something I should know about?" he asked as the lift doors opened.
"I'm not sure. Let me think about it, okay?" Probably the story of their lives for some time to come: I'm not sure. Let me think about it. "Bridge."
They stood close together but not touching, hands clasped behind their backs, gaze focused on the middle distance. The lift had scarcely begun to move when she asked, "What was she like?" Permitting herself the smallest of smiles, she found his waiting.
"Like you." His lips were barely curved, but the smile in his eyes reached for her like an embrace. "But not you." And she heard an echo of another voice that was also his: I want my Kathryn home. No wistful tenderness here, though. Only quiet joy. "What about him?"
"Like you," she echoed, and stopped. But not you was not completely true, yet there was no time now to explain why.
"Teasing?" But he was enjoying himself thoroughly.
"I don't tease." Their gaze held, and after a moment he nodded fractionally. Message transmitted and received--the unspoken as well as the spoken. "Did she tell you they're lovers?"
"No. But--" He hesitated--amused, a little embarrassed.
"There were...observable phenomena? When she talked about him?"
"Something like that." Now definitely amused.
"That's what he said about me." The smile left his eyes, but the quiet joy remained--escalating, incredulous. "I'll tell you about it." In a few seconds, they would be on display again. But that was then. This was now. "Soon," she finished, barely above a whisper.
When the lift doors swished open to reveal the bridge to them and them to the bridge, both of them were again gazing ahead at nothing, hands still clasped behind their backs.
Even knowing what she was going to do, she found herself staring at the padd to which Neelix had transmitted instructions on how to make arrangements for her camping trip, including the location of the site on the fast-approaching planet. After she had recorded notes for the report she would file on her recent adventure, she and Chakotay had spent a good portion of the afternoon shift discussing crew rotations for the coming shore leave. Their own five-day leaves would overlap by nearly three days, while Tuvok minded the store. They had discussed it with admirable detachment, each knowing without even looking at the other that it was all a delightful charade....
"Where're you going to be?"
So. She wouldn't have to make the first move after all. Without answering, she handed him the padd. He glanced at it, and then up at her with his father's grin, and she thought, God, his mother was right.
"You got any bread crumbs?" he asked.
She laughed aloud, not trying to repress it, feeling Tuvok's faint frown and Harry's shy grin--as though he weren't exactly sure whether smiling was a good idea or not; she could almost see it. Tom she could see--turning momentarily, glancing from one to the other, grinning, shrugging, and then turning back to his work.