On Edge
Warnings: Explicit description of anxiety and a panic attack.
Another jump failed; another flunked.
Yuuri fell. Again. And again. And again. And again. He saw the crowd watching the group practice and in his mind everyone was staring at him wondering how a second rate skater had managed to get to the final of the Grand Prix Final – the most prestigious ice skating competition. Thoughts raced through his mind, running into another and forming an endless negative commentary.
'I can't even do the jumps during practice. I'm going to fail. I'm useless. Viktor will leave me. Why would anyone believe in me?' the thoughts pestered. He felt a lump appear in his throat. He couldn't breathe and his heart was pounding.
It felt like he was going to die.
'Fight it,' Yuuri thought, 'Remember your coping mechanisms.'
Stay present in the moment. Try not to let yourself become too involved in your thoughts. Focus on the now. Find five things you can see – ice, walls, skates, a door, and other skaters. Four things you can feel – the ice under my feet, the cold, the pain from my bruises, and the breeze as I skate. Three things I can hear – other skaters in the background, music, and yelling. Two things I can smell – the ice, and sweat. Finally, one thing I can taste – my toothpaste from earlier.
Yuuri released a small sigh. His heart had returned to normal. He was okay – at least for now.
He continued skating, cutting patterns into the ice. Ice skating was his go to passion ever since he had seen Viktor. Finally, he attempted his signature jump again – the triple axel. He skated forward, pushed off from the ice. One and a half rotations, two and a half rotations, three rotat-.
No. He couldn't get the last rotation. And it was too late to fix it! He desperately tried to correct his landing but was unable. His foot hit the ice again at the wrong angle and he lost his balance and began to fall towards the ice. The tears welled, and panic hit him as soon as he collided with the ground.
Yuuri thought, 'Just hide it for now, Yuuri. Get off the ice and get somewhere private so you can break down.'
Ignoring the other skaters, Yuuri skated to the gate. He quickly put on his skate guards and sped into the empty changing rooms. As soon as Yuuri entered the changing room, he immediately unzipped his jacket and tried to hurriedly pull it off. It was suffocating, the clothes clung to his frame. The jacket was thrown to the side.
Legs failing, he fell onto a bench. He sat hunched as he gasped for breath.
In through the nose, 2, 3, 4, 5. Out through the mouth, 2, 3, 4, 5. In. Out. No. He couldn't do it. He couldn't breathe past the lump. A headache was rapidly forming.
Again tears formed in Yuuri's eyes. Within 3 seconds they began to fall.
His entire body felt too hot, and his breathing was heavy. Yuuri was so focused on trying to stop himself hyperventilating that he was oblivious to the door opening behind him.
An accented voice came from behind him, "Oi, piggy. Don't think you can just skip practice if you want to beat me."
Yuuri hunched over quickly, trying to hide the tears from Yurio. He could hear the younger skater's footsteps circling him before stopping directly in front of him.
Yurio questioned, "Katsudon, what's wrong with you? Don't tell me you're crying over flubbing a few jumps."
Yuuri choked back the tears and, silently and subtly tried to wipe them away.
Yurio sounded slightly panicked, his voice a half octave higher, "Katsudon, look at me. What the hell is wrong?" Yurio grabbed the older man by his shoulder and forced him to sit up right.
Yuuri met his eyes. Yuuri's chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath.
Yurio asked, eyes wide, "Are…are you hurt?"
Yuuri shook his head quickly.
The Russian boy looked sceptical as he quickly turned to the door and said, "I'm going to get help."
Yuuri leapt forward, eyes wide, he grasped Yurio's hand, "No."
"You can barely breathe! We need medics. Are you trying to kill yourself?" Yurio said with a snarl.
Yuuri pulled his name counterpart towards him and together they sat back on the bench. He managed to gasp out, "I'm okay. It's…just…a panic attack."
He clasped Yurio's hand in his, trying to ensure the boy never left. "Just stay…please."
The Russian nodded and sat silently as Yuuri tried slowly regaining his breathing. To anyone passing by, the younger man would appear as unaffected by the tears of his competitor, as anyone would expect from his public persona. Not many would have noticed how the boy held the elder's hand tightly.
Finally, Yuuri managed to talk again.
"Thank you. I'm sorry if I worried you."
Yurio asked hesitantly, "Do you often get panic attacks?"
Yuuri shook his head. "No, not panic attacks. I always have anxiety but the panic attacks only happen every so often."
"Then what caused this one?"
Yuuri bit his lip as he thought. He said, "It was already heightened today because of the competition and lack of sleep. I think when I fell it finally was just too much."
Yurio asked, "You are fine now?"
Yuuri smiled, "I'm just tired; panic attacks take a lot out of you." After a pause he continued, "And my head is a bit fuzzy, it feels like I just woke up."
Yurio nodded, pulled his hand from Yuuri's, and stood, "We should get back to the rink. The main practice will be over and the first skater will be beginning."
Yuuri forced himself to stand. "I'm ready. Lets do this."
The two namesakes walked out the locker room and began to head to the rink, pausing briefly to allow Yuuri to splash his face in the bathroom. As soon as they entered the main rink, Viktor ran up to them.
Viktor said in accented English, "Thank god. JJ is finished skating, and Phichit is nearly done also. Yuuri, you are next."
Yuuri quickly moved to the rink side ready to enter. Viktor passed him a bottle of water and Yuuri took a quick sip.
Yurio and Viktor stood beside him. Viktor asked, "Are you okay?"
Yuuri nodded. At that moment, he heard the intercom activate. It announced, "Next competitor is Yuuri Katsuki representing Japan. He will be skating to an original composition entitled 'Yuri on ice'."
He pressed his forehead to Viktor's as he said, "Don't take your eyes off me."
Viktor nodded. Yuuri pulled off his skate guards and stepped onto the ice. Looking back, he gave the two Russians a determined nod.
He skated the middle of the rink and took his starting pose. As the music started he allowed himself to drift and focus entirely on creating a story with his body. The next thing he knew he was sliding to a halt to thunderous applause.
He looked to where he was pointing, Viktor smiled widely at him. Hesitantly, he skated towards his fiancé. Viktor grasped his arm, and pulled form the ice into his arms. They stood there, holding each other for a long moment before Yurio nudged into them.
"You need to go to the kiss and cry, idiots."
Blushing, Yuuri nodded. He quickly put on the skate guards that Viktor handed him and they left to get his scores.
Sitting on the bench, they closely watched the screen. The screens flickered as they were updated.
The announcer said, "The score for Yuuri Katsuki from Japan is... 221.58! This is astounding. He has broken the world record set by his coach and fiancé Viktor Nikiforov. He is currently first place."
Overwhelmed with emotion, Yuuri broke down in tears. Viktor hugged him. In his ear, he heard Viktor whisper, "I'm so proud of you. I can't wait to skate against you next season."
Yuuri looked up at him with a wide smile, and wide eyes. After sitting for several moments, they stood and moved to where the other skaters were watching the competition.
Chris and Otabek skated next. All the skaters yelled deafening encouragement to them. Then finally, it was Yurio's turn. He had already broke the world record for the short program and everyone was on the edge of their seat to see whether he could break this one just as Yuuri had.
Yurio flew across the ice. Every jump was landed perfectly. Every spin was beautiful. The only thing that anyone could beat him on was the performance component.
As Yurio finished and stepped off the ice, Viktor and Yuuri jumped to the feet and sped to just outside the kiss and cry. Their proud smiles beamed at Yurio from the side.
Yurio looked across and spotted them. He pretended to have no reaction but several people noticed a small upturn of his lips.
Eventually, all the scores were announced and the winners took their podium.
Yuuri grinned up at Yurio as he held his silver model. JJ stood across the other side. From speakers around the stadium, the Russian national anthem could be heard.
Yurio crouched down slightly in between photos and murmured, "You should tell Viktor about your anxiety. He might be able to help."
At that moment, the photographer gestured to them to all stand on the middle of the podium. As Yuuri stepped up and wrapped his arm around Yurio's waist, he quietly said, "I'll tell him after this and before the press conference."
"Good. I'm sorry if I did anything to set off a panic attack in the past."
"You never."
"I'm glad."
It was rather obvious that JJ was listening in but the two were in their own world.