I'm not usually like this. Thinking like this, I mean. It's just hard sometimes. Sometimes it hurts so much, and no matter what ou do, you always plaster that stupid grin to our face, telling everyone that you're okay, there's no need to worry. And inside, there's some bottomless pit of guilt, unhappiness and darkness that seems to want to swallow you whole. I can't help but think I wanted the suspect to let go of me over that edge. I actually told him to let me go over that edge.
We were working a case, it was simple, really, just pursuing a stupid musclemarine thatliked beating his ladies. Or, the night's ladies. We followed him to a building, ran after him, and this is so cliché it hurts, ended up doing the final battle on the rooftop. Before I could react, the guy had grabbed me and held me from my neck, threatening to drop me. Fifteen floors. I could feel the wind on my skin, that little bit of rain, and I could see the stars above me. I fought to get his hands off my throat, not so I could breathe, but so I could drop all those fifteen floors down and into the pavement, leaving my mark on the pavement and as a spot on the statistics. That's when I told him to let me go, to drop me. The suspect got confused, and Gibbs pulled him towards him, throaing him down, as McGeek pulled me onto the roof and I gasped for air.
I never was very happy. I don't even know how 'happy's' supposed to feel like. As a child, I never experienced those 'good times' everyone keeps talking about. I was always a scrawny looking kid, I got bullied at school, I got bullied at home. My mother was a raging alcoholic, and my father.. my father is a chapter on his own. My mother hung herself, while I was in the room with her, telling me over and over and over how it was my fault she was doing what she was, telling me what a bad kid I was. My father walked in with her hanging there and I had wet myself and sat shivering in a corner. I can't forget those eyes of his. He changed very much that day. It wasn't until my thirteenth birthday he called me a slut and started to come into my bedroom, nailing me to the bed three times a week.
When I was sixteen, I got away. Started playing football, got recognized, almost went pro when Pitt broke my leg. I ended up as a cop. It was nice at first. Then they found out about me dating guys and I ended up in a hospital. And the hole started forming inside me. They riduculed me over and over, so I finally just got up and left. Two years. I went to another place. This time I got shot, and the guy who did it was never caught. Because they didn't care about me. The hole grew a lot that time. And in Baltimore, they saw me as I was molested by a guy. I saw them too, but I never told them. I couldn't. Their laughing faces still haunts me to this day.
Then one day, leroy Jethro Gibbs walks into my life, he smelled like sawdust and something more subtle. No aftershave. He took one look at me, we worked one case together, and I was hired. A Federal Agent. He never asked why I had those bruises on my face, or why I didn't speak to my fellow detectives. His eyes never showed pity on me, like a lot of other people's eyes did.
I met the team. A woman named Caitlin Todd who was nice to me. Oh we sniped at eachother, bickered, but all in good nature. It was her I first shared my secret with. That I was into guys. She looked at me and smiled, saying that I was her friend no matter what. And then she hugged me. I didn't cry then.
I met Timothy McGee too. Nice kid. He always does his best to help me when I'm injured, and he now knows I'm into guys.
Abigail Sciuto knew when I first met her.
Donald Mallard as well.
And Jimmy Palmer.
The only one I didn't dare tell, was Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
The hole was forgotton and filled up.
Then Kate died. Got shot. Gibbs went ballistic. I almost told him then. That I longed for him. Lusted after him. Had lusted after him as long as I'd known him. I didn't cry at Kate's funeral. I plastered a stupid grin on my face as Abby played the jazzy tune when we walked away from there.
The hole was back. Bigger this time. They all had someone to talk to, Gibbs had Ducky, Palmer and Mcgee had Abby. I had myself and my old ghosts. I almost bit a bullet then. But there were no bullets in the chamber. I got so drunk I passed out that night and ended up in the hospital. Noone noticed. The hole grew bigger.
Ziva David came into our lifes after Kate's departure from this world. I never told Ziva about me. We got locked into a shipping container once. They played a stupid joke on me, and then there was this guy on the rooftop, and here I am. On the same rooftop Kate died. Sitting here alone in the rain. I'm not even cold anymore. I'm numb.
I knew it couldn't last forever. The holw ate me and scarred me through and through. I'm emotionally dead. Gone. Forever. And now I'm here. Just waiting. Wanting. Needing. I'm such a looser. So. Here I am Kate, coming to join you. At this spot you died. And this is the spot where I die with a holw in my scull, to let the hurt seep out through and disappear. I'll probably go to hell for this, but I don't really care.
This is it. I lift my gun and put it in my mouth, and I'm sure it's loaded, 'cause I did it this morning. I pull the trigger now. Doing it. Doing iiiiiiiiit... and-
klick
Klick? Am I dead?
I open my eyes. I'm still on the rooftop, gun in my mouth. It clicked. I pull out the magazine. Empty. But I'm sure it was loaded this morning? I check the chamber. Nothing. Not a single bullet.
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"I took it out at lunch today" a voice said behind him. He didn't turn around. He knew it was Gibbs. Gibbs always knew. Not a lot, but enough. He could feel Gibbs crouch down next to him, and a hand landed on his shoulder. he wanted to scream to the man, tell him to fuck off, leave him alone to die. But he couldn't. He was just...numb.
"I'm sorry Tony" Gibbs said.
"For what? It's not your fault... none of it is. It's me, boss, I'm the one who wants this" Tony said, he didn't even know where the words came from, they just came.
"You went through a lot of shit... I can't believe I never knew. And I'm sorry I never asked about those bruises" Gibbs said.
"I spoke out loud? I thought I was thinking" Tony said. Had he really spoken out loud? All of it?
"You did.. you looked.. different" Gibbs sighed.
"You heard the thing I said.. about you?" Tony asked.
"I did.. and I can't believe I've been so stupid. I'm not a guy who can just.. express my feelings. And neither are you. I thought all those women-"
"-fiction-"
"- were real. I know now. And Tony.. I.. when I looked at you that firs time, I fell. Hard. On my face. In love with you" Gibbs said.
Tony risked looking up at Gibbs. The rain was coming down hard now. They were both soaking wet and freezing as tears started to trickle down Tony's face. That's when Gibbs embraced him, stroking over his back, holding him tightly as he started rocking back and forth, letting the tears roll silently, mixing in with the rain.
"It's going to be okay Tony.. I'm here. I know I haven't been, but I am now. I'm here, and I won't ever let you go! I love you so much! So damn much!" Gibbs whispered in Tony's ear. That's when Tony started sobbing. Loudly. And Gibbs's embrace tightened so much it hurt, but in a good way.
"I promise I'll stay with you forever Tony.. forever, you hear me?" Gibbs murmured. Tony nodded into Gibbs's shoulder, sobs wrecking his body. That's when he noticed something.
It was freezing here in the rain.
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AN: Okay, depressing. Just needed to drag you all down in the mud with me :P Oneshot or not? Dunno if I should keep continuing on this. I thought it was beautiful... I actually liked it. I'm such a perv..
Review, tell me what you think, oneshot or not?
Disclaimer: All hail DPB and his delicious brain.
Wow, first time with no Tony whumping (Less than my other stories), I deserve a prize.. oooh, chocolate!