AN: So, the episode last night was CRAZY! As soon as it ended, I got this idea and since I have another snow day today, I was able to write it out. It starts with the hospital scene conversation between Maggie and OA. I use some dialogue from the episode, but tweak and add my own spin. Then it moves to a missing scene. Having lost someone myself, I can really identify with what I think Maggie might be experiencing. I hope you enjoy!
Maggie-
I hear his footsteps approaching, but can't take my eyes off the little girl playing with her mother down the hall. He's waiting for something, but I don't know what to say.
"I keep thinking about how Jason wanted to have kids," I finally manage, needing to fill the silence. "And I was the one who wanted to wait. I was worried about my career or whatever."
I roll my eyes at myself for being so stupid, so worried about the wrong things.
"I just wish I'd have taken that leap, you know? Then maybe part of him would still be with me." I try not to cry. "Or if I was at home pregnant, he wouldn't have been on the road that night."
"What happened to him, isn't on you, Mags. There's nothing you could have done." I feel him begging me to look at him, but I can't.
Then I ask him the one question I still have. "How did I not see that it wasn't an accident? I should have known!"
"If the signs weren't there, you couldn't have. No one else did." I know deep down he's right, but I still feel guilty, like I let Jason down.
"OA, I think I've been too afraid to look, to really face that he's gone..." I look into my lap, staring at my hands and still willing myself not to cry. I'm fighting back a river at the thought of what could have been, of what has been stolen from me.
"I still have all his clothes in the closet. I just don't open the door," I confess then.
OA doesn't know what to say. Of course not, neither do I. But still, I'm glad someone knows now.
"Mags," he says, pulling me from my dark thoughts. I still keep my head down, not meeting his gaze.
"Wherever this goes... I'm with you. Always."
I look at him then, so moved by his statement. Words can't explain how thankful I am for this man, my dear friend who has always had been back. I search for words to say, but the doctor is calling my name, pulling me back to reality as he prepares to deliver some terrible news.
XXXXX
There's a knock at the door at exactly 7:00, like clockwork. True to his word, he arrived with takeout and beer. It's been just over a day since we learned Cutler died. It's been a hard day, but I keep moving. Slowly I've been trying to get a grasp on Cutler's involvement in Jason's death. That Jason is, in fact, gone.
OA's smile as I answer the door is welcoming, and I quickly invite him in.
"I brought your fav," he announces as he heads to the kitchen and starts to pull boxes out of the bag.
I put the beer in the fridge after grabbing two bottles and follow him into the living room with two plates of food. He hands one to me as I hand over a fork. We sit comfortably and engage in light conversation about what we did on our rare day off. I don't have much to say about today, but I point to a pile of empty boxes in the corner.
"I was wondering what those were for. Thought maybe you were making a run for it." He's joking, but there's some truth hidden there, too.
"I spent a lot of time today trying to talk myself into emptying Jason's closet. But I don't know if I can do it alone. I don't think I'm strong enough." It's a harsh confession, but true. The number of times I almost started today is absurd.
"Well, that's ridiculous. You're the strongest person I know," he says nonchalantly. I look at him, not sure I believe, but can tell he means it. "I know it's not my place, but if you want help, I'm here."
I look at him again searching for signs of truth.
"I meant what I said, Maggie. Wherever this goes, I'm here. That means more than just in helping you find whoever is responsible."
He's smiling again, and I can't help but smile in return. I'm really lucky, even in the midst of this unimaginable heartache, to have him.
"Thanks," I say quietly. Nothing else needs to be said.
XXXXX
It takes nearly four hours, a hundred near breakdowns, and three bouts of actual tears, but it's cleaned out. At first it felt almost like I was betraying Jason, but the longer I was at it, the more I was reminded of Jason's character and how he wouldn't want me to struggle so much, to feel that way.
True to his word, OA stayed the whole time though more for moral support than anything, even as it got later and later into the night. He just taped up boxes as I finished and labeled them with what I told him. He never once looked uncomfortable or uninterested, and offered words of encouragement when needed.
The best advice came when I broke down that third time as I looked into a nearly empty closet. Of course, I tried to hide the tears from him, but it was obvious he knew. He didn't say anything at first, just put a hand on my back which I kept turned to him to keep my face and tears from view. Then, after the tears stopped and I was able to continue grabbing clothes from hangers he said, "You're not pushing Jason out of your life because you're clearing out the closet. You're just helping you're heart do a little healing. He'll always be with you."
It was a strange moment hearing OA speak like that, talking about something so far from conversations we normally have, but it was true, and I needed to hear it.
Now that we are finally done, I have a few articles of clothing I couldn't yet box up on my bed. OA pushes the full boxes back into the closet. I look at him, curious.
"Keep them for awhile. You don't want to regret getting rid of anything. There's no rush, no timeline," he explains simply.
Standing there, just a couple feet in front of me, I couldn't help but give him a huge, friendly hug.
"Thanks for being here," I say as I pull away.
He smiles. "Always."
I look at my watch and sigh in surprise. "I didn't realize how late it is- nearly two! Sorry for keeping you so late."
He shakes his head and says, "don't worry about it." He heads to get his jacket and then to the door. As he is leaving, I thank him again. He stops, halfway in the hall, and turns back to look at me.
"Call me if you need anything." Then he's gone.
It's still hard, still heartbreaking, and I'm still filled with hundreds of questions. As I try to figure out what happened to Jason and who wanted him dead, things will only get harder. But I'll have a good friend here with me all the way. That makes all the difference in the world. I know he won't stop helping me until we get answers, until I get justice for Jason. And we will. The bastard behind this better run. Because we're coming, and we can't be stopped.