I should have known. All of that time he had spent with him. I should have known it was something more than friendship. But I wanted to stay deluded in my illusionary world where he remained innocent, where he remained close to me. But that world was shattered that night, the night where I found them. I had followed the trail, the breadcrumbs if you will; I followed the signs that led me eventually to the kitchen of the dorm. It was when I pushed that door open that the world shattered around me. There he was. My Kevin, pressed up to the wall, Kibum's tongue down his throat. It was on that spot, that moment, that night, when my heart had died. It stopped beating; it bled the anguished sorrow through my system, this poisonous sadness tainting me to the core. It resonated and burned, this pain to real to heal.
So here I sit today, atop this bench gaze wondering around the serene scenery, though the majesty of this place was lost on my darkened mind. My eyes continue to bleed the sadness that had been welling up over these past few days. It finally grew too much to bear, everyday faced with his smile, knowing that he was truly happy with Kibum, and I Lee Kiseop would never hold a place within his heart. I was unnecessary.
A shattering breath shook out of my throat as I choke on my tears, I can only wish that they would drown me eventually, at least that way I would be put out of my misery, I would never be forced to see his happiness in the arms of the other.
This bench in the middle of the park, it is situated so close to the edge of the 100 foot cliff. It would be so simple for me to walk those few minuet steps over the edge. It would take so little for me to make this pain go away forever. It's all I want this point, I can't face another day of 'skin ship' if that is what they want to call it. But I know better. I know every touch, and every smile would lead to more later in the evening. I know that it will only get worse as times grows, I know that I can longer handle this, handle the pain of my everyday life. But am I really ready to throw everything away to make everything disappear over that edge?
I push myself away from the bench and take those steps, the ones that situate me at the edge. I look down at the swirling waves, down to a tomb that could burry me forever. Would anyone really care if I take this jump? Probably not. I am just the background to the group. I would never be missed. I was never important. If I took this leap now, would anyone even see? The people walking through this park, they would be blind to my disappearance. I know that no one would notice. Just as no one had noticed the boy sitting on the bench broken.
My feet test the waters shuffling closer to that edge, small fragments of stone breaking away from the cliff and tumbling to the fate I sought. Buried in the waves forever. My breath is shaking as I stand here, wind whipping at my hair making my clothes fly around me. My eyes locked onto the view below, my heart and head in conflict.
Afew of the crystalline tears roll down my face as I close my eyes, I was ready. I take that step and I'm flying, flying over the edge, flying to the water. Then there is nothing. I'm floating in emptiness, and I'm gone.
(kevin's POV)
I'm pacing, continuously. I swear that I am going to wear a hole in the floor with how many times I am crossing over the same spot. But isn't this what people do when they are nervous, panicking. Just as I am at the moment.
Kiseop was gone. He had left the dorm. I know what he had seen, but it wasn't what he believed. Kibum had been drinking, he believed I was Xander. Kiseop had walked in, I had seen it in his eyes. That pain flashing through the deep brown eyes. It had broken me inside to see his pain. But before I could explain a thing, he was gone. And he hasn't come back.
To say I worried would be an understatement, hysteric is the more appropriate fraze. I had run after him but he was too fare gone, and so here I am, passing before the door just waiting for him to walk through, so I can explain everything to him. Unbreak his bleeding heart. I don't want kiseop to be in pain, especially if I am the root cause. If I had known he liked me I would told him, told him I loved him also. But I hadn't known, until I had seen that look in his eyes. The look was so agonized.
Tears spark in the corner of my eyes as I throw my fist at the wall with a scream, blood leaks down from my hand that was cut along the rough surface. I slide down the wall, falling into a ball at the base. This pain echoing in my heart I can imagine is only a fragment of what he is feeling. I couldn't protect him from the pain, isn't that what you are supposed to do with the person you love? Protect them from pain and cherish them. I hadn't done neither and maybe now it was too late?
My world of pain is pierced by the sound of ringing, that shrill cry screaming of hope as I dash for the phone. Clasping the white plastic in my hand I hold it to ear. Though, this is not what I wanted to hear.
The plastic phone falls to the floor and shatters, I tumble down soon after. The news ringing on repeat through my ears.
My Kiseop is gone.